Dating disaster - turned into a positive.

[ArcaneLady]

After two years of being divorced, I decided to put myself out there to start dating again. Joined a dating website and met a guy who lived locally. Our conversations ranged from casual, to funny, to supportive, to sweet, to very intimate. So he wanted to meet, I said no as it was the first time I had for it, and I'm overweight with poor self confidence (kind of your athletic overweight), and I also have a couple of health issues; I used to be slender then a thyroid condition hit and it's been a massive struggle ever since). To my ex husband my sexual attractiveness was dependent on my physical appearance, he was never happy with me, controlling blah blah. Long story short I gave up on myself and let myself go (I also have a busted back and exercise is difficult). So, he wants to me meet, I put him off that idea...until I thought no, screw it, give it a shot. He was surprised but keen. So we meet, date goes well, we kiss, he says he wants to see me again. Two very impersonal emails that evening..... Then nothing since. Went from literally dozens of emails a day to not a thing. Days have gone by. So I sent him an email saying if he wanted to contact me he can, and basically left it at that.

 

Here's the thing.

 

He lied. And I'm more pissed off that he lied than how I feel. I felt a connection with him despite the fact he was different to the guys I'm normally attracted to. He was very magnetic and exciting. But am I going to chase him? Am I HELL. He made me feel alive and wanted for a few weeks but that was online. In the real world, he couldn't communicate and lied. I will not settle for that. I won't play any dating games. I won't stand for someone who says one thing and does another. If he can't be bothered to send a one line one minute email saying "hey, I know I said I liked you and wanted to meet, but I've realised I was too hasty/realised my life is too busy/complicated to see anyone/I got swept up in the moment and I'm sorry, shouldn't have lead you on", then fine, I would have accepted it. But nothing? RUDE. WRONG. BAD MOVE. And lying just compounded it. Will it make me distrustful or paranoid next time? Nope. I'll just establish that I want honesty and clarity.

 

I see too many people agonise over mixed messages, who play dating games or insist there are "rules". Here it is plain and simple.

 

If you aren't feeling it, say so as politely as you can as soon as you realise. Do nor allow someone else to be lead on.

 

If you say "I want to see you again", then stick to it. Or if you realise you made a mistake, apologise and make amends.

 

Do. Not. Play. Games. If you think you have had a great date, ask the other person if they did too. Then say "when should we get in touch again? Would you prefer a phone call or email?" Agree mutually and stick to it. If they don't, give them another chance (messages can and do get Lost), but then if they don't respond, wish them well and tell them you're moving on.

 

Don't over think. It creates confusion and complicates things. Listen, and be prepared to just go with the flow.

 

Don't buy into "Women do this, men do that". Communication is not gender specific, you don't need your genitals to be honest and open, what it takes is thought and sincerity.

 

Never lead anyone on. Cut your losses and leave gracefully if it doesn't work out. Never settle for poor treatment - someone playing hard to get is just playing games. Someone who comes on too strong If you're not feeling the same way is just desperate.

 

So anyway... There are more guys out there. I'm a little sad, a little lonelier, but a lot wiser. I tried for nearly 17 years to make my marriage work and I refuse to do it again.

[NJtoDC]

Welcome back to the world of dating, it's a jungle out there! Online dating especially! There will be rejection, and it will take a thicker skin in order to not get this upset and take it personal when someone goes dark on you. He did a slow fade. You may have to get used to it to forebear with online dating.

 

Either he was interested when he said he wanted to see you again, and changed his mind because of XYZ or he lied in effort to let you down easy. Not to condone lying but you were already feeling insecure about yourself going into this, do you think you would have felt better if he said at the end of the date, "Nice meeting you...<crickets>" or "Thank you for the date, but I don't think we are a match"? Lying is wrong but I'd prefer the slow fade from a guy.

 

I wouldn't put a man on the spot on a first date to tell me if he had a good time. A kind man will hate to have to tell you no. But then again, he could have had an nice time and still not think you are a match. I would offer my thanks and express my enjoyment of the night. If he chooses to do so also, good on him. If not, at least I have an idea that perhaps he isn't feeling it like I am.

 

I also wouldn't press him, if he says he had a good time, to nail down a time to call or email afterwards. He'll do it if and when he is ready. Why do I need an exact time and manner? Then if he gets busy or forgets he was nailed down, I would be bothered unnecessarily.

 

You suggest going with the flow, but the above two issues don't seem so easy going. You say coming on too strong could seem desperate. These things seem to be coming on strong to me. I could be wrong though.

 

It's a woman's world online, enjoy!

[ArcaneLady]

See this is where I think is half of where the issues are with dating.

 

Why not ask if the other person had a good time? Why wait for hours or days waiting and wondering? I've seen so many posts here saying "I thought we had a great time... Then nothing". Cue angst, much handwringing, anxiety, confusion, and distrust for future dates.

 

And the guy was the one who told me he wanted to see me again. But like I said - I realised by that evening it may not go that way.

 

Yes I was insecure but I also went in there knowing i had to take what came and not allow myself to be deluded or conned.

 

In future I'll be more upfront. If it went well great, if not, then move on. There were huge honesty issues in my failed marriage and I won't go there again. If I have to be blunt and upfront then I will. Why is honest communication so difficult for people to comprehend?

[Yookie]

I think you wasted too much "cyber" time on him before you two got to meet in person. You should get that part out of the way as soon as possible so that both parties can decide if there is enough attraction before you get emotionally attached to the online personality.

[ArcaneLady]

We are both single parents. Have any idea how little time you have in that situation??

 

He worked at nights on the weekends plus he was studying. That's what he said - I now longer even know if anything he said was true given his behaviour.

 

We didn't want to rush into meeting. By getting to know each other online, we established some kind of knowledge about each other. On our date we had plenty to talk about.

 

My issue here is that HE cut off communication without any explanation. This was after he said he wanted to meet again, and we shared a pretty strong kiss. They are deal breakers in my eyes. There were other signs but I didn't want to rush into assuming anything.

 

It takes a minute or two to let someone know the story. To leave someone hanging is unforgivable and a relationship destroyer. I will know better next time.

[NJtoDC]

 

Why not ask if the other person had a good time? Why wait for hours or days waiting and wondering? I've seen so many posts here saying "I thought we had a great time... Then nothing". Cue angst, much handwringing, anxiety, confusion, and distrust for future dates.

 

 

It may not seem like a big deal but I'd rather not put a guy on the spot on a first date like that, especially if you are going to get so upset if a guy fades in the future. If you put him on the stop, and he isn't interested or didn't enjoy himself, that's an uncomfortable position to be put in. Then if he lies to you since you asked directly, you are going to be very upset like you were about this first date's lie about wanting to go out again.

 

I know he volunteered this 'lie' but you have a strong reaction to this behavior. I say 'lie' because we don't know what happened with Date #1. He may have meant what he said. Things may have changed. Maybe he has been busy. Maybe he rethought his attraction on the way home. Maybe he is planning to contact you later in the week to set up a second date.

 

Yes, most likely he lost interest on the date or that night. You'd prefer (at least you do before someone actually does this to you) to have someone look you, ask them if they enjoyed themselves, and have them say "No. I'm not attracted to you/Not a match/Don't feel a connection/etc". But most people won't do that, even if you think that's the correct way.

 

Some people want to be polite and were taught if they don't have something nice to say to say nothing. So if a guy thanks you for your time, your company, said he enjoyed the night...but doesn't indicate interest in another date...I would leave it alone. Either he will let me know later he is interested or he was backing out gracefully (and honestly).

 

So please, if your gonna get upset if a guy lies about his interest, don't press him while still on the date to tell you 'if he enjoyed himself'. What does that question benefit you? If he enjoyed the dinner, does that info help? Or is the real question "So, do you think you like me and want to go on another date?" It seems this is the intention of that question.

 

Sometimes a person may want to marinade on the evening and consider their interest. This is also a challenge of being pressed for answers. If he wants to express positive feelings about: you, the prospects of a second date, how much he enjoyed the activity you did- he'll tell you.

 

If you want to tell him how you feel, ok. It opens up an opportunity for him to respond if he so chooses. If he doesn't? There is likely a reason.

 

Anyhow, this is a long discussion! Do what you like. We all do. I do hate to see you so worked up over these expectations from a man after your first OLD date. It seems like an emotional rant more appropriate for a flaky boyfriend than first date.

 

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Some are blow fish, some are clown fish, but there are good catches too. It will require a thicker skin though.

 

Good luck!

[FitChick]

Had he seen current, clear photos of your face and figure before you met?

[ArcaneLady]

Hate to say it but they all sound like weak excuses. If people were honest and dealt with things immediately then sites like this wouldn't have so many people going "but why?" I prefer honest communication and less wasting time faffing around and being "polite". Sorry, but if being polite to you means being dishonest to someone because you want to "spare their feelings" first up, then your logic is flawed because you're only going to hurt them more down the track! Why can't I say to a guy (or a guy to a girl) "I had a great time tonight, I hope you enjoyed it too". If I sensed hesitation, I'd then say "it's ok to say you're not sure, if you're not I'd rather you say now than us waste time wondering about it for days". I just do not get why people play these silly games. Be honest and save yourselves all this angst and stress.

 

I'm also 42 years old and it's not an "emotional rant" about a flaky boyfriend. It's part cautionary tale and also a form of advice - so many people are stressing as to why the other person didn't contact them. I'm here to say "be honest in the first place and avoid any confusion". If someone feels "put on the spot" by being asked if they had a good time, then they aren't near enough in touch with their feelings and I have spent too many years on people who wish wash around. If I want to see someone again, I'd like to know rather than wait five days because some stupid rule says you have to. If anyone keeps me waiting five days for a lousy follow up then what will happen later on? Screw silly games, I'm 42 and life is too bloody short! If someone my age doesn't know what they want by now then their maturity quotient needs work.

Edited November 11, 2013 by ArcaneLady

[FitChick]

Had he seen current, clear photos of your face and figure before you met?

 

Well, did he?

[ArcaneLady]

Oh and yes, we had seen photos of each other. I told him I was overweight and he freely admitted he was no oil painting himself.

 

My sole issue here is he said one thing and did another - it's just not excusable.

[NJtoDC]

Hate to say it but they all sound like weak excuses. If people were honest and dealt with things immediately then sites like this wouldn't have so many people going "but why?" I prefer honest communication and less wasting time faffing around and being "polite". Sorry, but if being polite to you means being dishonest to someone because you want to "spare their feelings" first up, then your logic is flawed because you're only going to hurt them more down the track! Why can't I say to a guy (or a guy to a girl) "I had a great time tonight, I hope you enjoyed it too". If I sensed hesitation, I'd then say "it's ok to say you're not sure, if you're not I'd rather you say now than us waste time wondering about it for days". I just do not get why people play these silly games. Be honest and save yourselves all this angst and stress.

You can do whatever you like. You have your ways. Perhaps you will adopt this direct, put him on the spot approach as you continue to your second and third dates. That's fine. Be true to yourself.

 

Personally? I've never done this. I've never had a guy not tell me how he felt in his own time, often giving feedback on the first date. If a guy didn't volunteer his feelings, that's probably cause there is no feelings there. I don't need to know where this is going at the end of the first date. It's too early for expectations. If he calls for a second date, he's interested. If a guy doesn't make his interest clear, he's probably not interested. Guys who are interested, in my experience, are aggressive in securing your attention and keeping your interest in the early stages.

 

I've not lied to a guy about my feelings but I will tell you this, from my numerous and not so long ago first hand experience of OLD, when a guy fishes for validation, affirmation, reassurance that things are going well, that I am attracted to them, or reassurance for his insecurities on a first or second date?

 

It's a very uncomfortable position to put someone in. It's often a turn off. Sometimes it shows insecurity. Let me offer what feedback or compliments I want to and when I am ready. I don't like being pushed. I'm sure guys don't like it either, especially since a decent guy doesn't like to hurt a woman's feelings. They'd rather fade into the woodwork than directly hurt your feelings.

 

To each their own. I've done well in my time online dating. My approach has not left me with angst or stress. And these aren't 'silly games'. Why do I need instant feedback on a guys feelings? Let him be in the moment, which is stressful enough as it is, without adding to it with direct and (what will seem to be) confrontational questions if the response won't be pleasant. Let him tell you what he is ready to tell you when he is ready. You are not in a relationship yet, if he wants to see you again he will call.

 

But press him if that is your style. Maybe it will work. Maybe it will put off a guy who is undecided being put on the spot.

 

 

I'm also 42 years old and it's not an "emotional rant" about a flaky boyfriend.

 

I know it isn't about a boyfriend, my point was that this reaction is over the top for the context. A guy you had one date with said he'd like to see you again. He communicated a couple times since, and you haven't heard back. Perhaps he did move on. I am saying your response to this situation was very emotional and was it not a rant? It had the tell tale signs.

 

It's part cautionary tale and also a form of advice - so many people are stressing as to why the other person didn't contact them.

 

I think anyone with online dating experience is fully aware of 'the fade'. I'm not sure where all these people stressing over why he didn't call after one date are, but I would suggest they find something better to do and move it along. This is classic OLD behavior.

 

If someone feels "put on the spot" by being asked if they had a good time, then they aren't near enough in touch with their feelings and I have spent too many years on people who wish wash around.

 

This is your perception. I think many people would feel 'put on the spot' if you asked for feedback on a date that wasn't to their liking, especially if they find you unattractive. I'm in touch with my feelings, but I'm also empathetic to the feelings of others and prefer not to put them on the spot or hurt their feelings. I would prefer my date back the heck off and allow me to express myself in the time and manner I feel is best. But you drive your own bus and do it your own way. Just because others have a different approach doesn't make you right and them wrong.

 

I'm here to say "be honest in the first place and avoid any confusion".

 

I agree, if your date indeed knew he was not interested at the time he said he wanted to see you again (which you don't know, but you call him a liar anyway) that is wrong. He had no need to volunteer that statement if he didn't feel it at the time.

 

 

If I want to see someone again, I'd like to know rather than wait five days because some stupid rule says you have to. If anyone keeps me waiting five days for a lousy follow up then what will happen later on? Screw silly games, I'm 42 and life is too bloody short! If someone my age doesn't know what they want by now then their maturity quotient needs work.

I wouldn't like a guy who is interested waiting five days to contact me either. The only guys who've behaved this way weren't really interested and nothing ever came of them and I.

 

I'm not sure your perception of five day wait game playing is typical of OLD though. I think your first experience just wasn't a good one. Only flakes who weren't interested behaved this way with me. Almost everyone else other guy I had a date with communicated daily. Hopefully the next guy will be less flaky and communicate the way you do.

 

Good luck!

Edited November 11, 2013 by NJtoDC

[ArcaneLady]

You seem to keep deferring to "the guy". There's no "rule" about who has to lead, and you seem to be rather antiquated in your approach, kind of waiting for the man to lead, that you mustn't put him on the spot or make him uncomfortable... This is 2013 and if a guy can't deal with a woman saying "did you have a good time or not" then women's equality hasn't come very far. You don't seem to understand, I am trying to get people to understand that game playing and not being upfront are causing so many issues that could be solved by being honest. It has nothing to do that I met this guy online - but since he was the one to stop contact abruptly after we met, even though he was the one to say he wanted to see me again, we shared a mutual (and more than 5 second kiss), I had sent an email (after a significant period with no contact) and he can't even send me a one line email saying "I changed my mind/don't feel the same way/don't have time... THAT is what I'm stating - it doesn't take much to be honest. I don't care when he did it - straight after, six hours or three days later - do NOT give out mixed signals and then expect the other person to understand let alone feel happy about it. Surely upfront honesty is better than deceit, or is this how society works now??

 

No amount of justifying on your behalf ever convince me that playing your games or keeping someone in the dark is a good idea. Also, please don't try to turn my statement into an "emotional" statement. That implies I am irrational or not thinking clearly. I am not moping over this guy, My feelings are cut and tried - I am simply saying "don't do this, it's rude, inappropriate and could be solved by being honest and upfront ". How has your untruthful approach served you by the way?

Edited November 11, 2013 by ArcaneLady

[FitChick]

Then state your preferences for rejection in your profile. Still no guarantee. Not everyone wants honesty when it comes to rejection.

[ArcaneLady]

I already have updated my profile and stated I want honest communication.

 

And what do you mean not everyone wants honesty when it comes to rejection?? You PREFET to be lied to?? That's messed up.

[NJtoDC]

You seem to keep deferring to "the guy". There's no "rule" about who has to lead, and you seem to be rather antiquated in your approach, kind of waiting for the man to lead, that you mustn't put him on the spot or make him uncomfortable...

 

I have my own ways. It's not about rules. Yep, I do tend toward traditional gender roles. It's not a bad thing. If a guy made me chase him he's gonna be waiting a long time. That's me.

 

Your advice is to do things your way, not holding to gender roles of dating. Good on you. I am more of the traditional type. You are not. That's ok isn't it? I date guys who like my approach. Which makes sense, since I am looking for a more traditional marriage. I imagine you are not. That's ok too.

 

I gotta say, I loved the OLD stage. The guys I dated haven't seen a lot of traditional girls, but knew what kind of woman I am up front, and they loved it.

 

I'm not afraid to put a guy on the spot. It's not my style. I feel no need to. Plus, I've mostly gotten a lot of positive feedback in he moment. Frankly, I hope you don't have to do it again either. Ideally, the guy will tell you how he feels (and be telling the truth). If you have to ask in order to get feedback, sometimes you might get honestly and sometimes you may get lied to. Being direct doesn't ensure honesty.

 

It seems part of our difference in perception is our different approaches to gender roles. To each their own. I assume you'll be looking to date a different kind of guy than I do. Perhaps your approach will be perfect for you.

 

 

This is 2013 and if a guy can't deal with a woman saying "did you have a good time or not" then women's equality hasn't come very far.

 

My approach isn't about equality or guys not being able to deal with directness. If you feel the need for a more aggressive and direct approach, ok. I don't.

 

You don't seem to understand, I am trying to get people to understand that game playing and not being upfront are causing so many issues that could be solved by being honest.

 

People will be honest or not of their own volition. Cornering a liar won't make them tell you the truth. Game players will be aloof until they're good and done being aloof! I don't think this discussion will change a game player or liars ways. Most people are honest and real.

 

Fortunately, it was just a bad first experience for you. There are probably plenty of non-game playing guys who will be a better fit for you.

 

 

I don't care when he did it - straight after, six hours or three days later - do NOT give out mixed signals and then expect the other person to understand let alone feel happy about it. Surely upfront honesty is better than deceit, or is this how society works now??

 

No, of course honesty is better than deceit. No one disputes this. These people will not change and they are out there OLD and in the real world. It's not nice but it's too common for me to get my feathers very ruffled over.

 

No amount of justifying on your behalf ever convince me that playing your games or keeping someone in the dark is a good idea. Also, please don't try to turn my statement into an "emotional" statement. That implies I am irrational or not thinking clearly. I am not moping over this guy, I have even cut and tried - I am simply saying "don't do this, it's rude, inappropriate and could be solved by being honest and upfront ". How has your untruthful approach served you by the way?

 

Why do you think I am untruthful? I agreed with you every time you said honesty is right. I told you specifically I have NOT lied to guys who put me on the spot. What are you talking about?

 

I do not play games. Where'd you get that from? Leaving someone in the dark? I don't demand to know how a guy feels. They tell me. I offer my feelings when I am ready, directly and honestly. It's one of the traits men seem to like about me. I make my interest, expectations, and feelings clear. Guys don't have to wonder what I am thinking. In light of that and because it puts me on the spot, I don't like it when an insecure man pushes me for validation but I will answer honestly while finding it off putting and annoying.

 

I've had great success with online dating. I'm not a model, I'm not well off, but I carry myself well, am confident, funny, and know what I want- and have had no problem peeking the interest of guys who I have mutual interest in.

 

So what exactly is your criticism with me?

 

[ArcaneLady]

I already have updated my profile and stated I want honest communication.

 

And what do you mean not everyone wants honesty when it comes to rejection?? You PREFER to be lied to?? That's messed up.

 

Since changing my profile and stating I don't want liars, I want single guys and open communication, I haven't had any interest. How ironic is that XD

[NJtoDC]

I already have updated my profile and stated I want honest communication.

 

And what do you mean not everyone wants honesty when it comes to rejection?? You PREFER to be lied to?? That's messed up.

 

Since changing my profile and stating I don't want liars, I want single guys and open communication, I haven't had any interest. How ironic is that XD

There's no need to add 'honest communication' to your profile. These men will either BE honest or BE liars saying they are honest. This won't keep liars out.

 

If you literally put "I do not want liars" you may not be getting messages because it's a negative and unappealing thing to put on your profile. It doesn't attract positive attention.

 

When I would see a guy say things like: I'm tired of games, no gold diggers, done with cheaters, liars need not apply, I'm not hear to fix your problems, my kids come first and if you don't like it there's the door...I kept it moving. They sounded angry, bitter, negative, and not like the kind of guy I want to meet.

 

[ArcaneLady]

Traditional? Oh dear. So the man is the boss and a woman who is upfront is aggressive? That's where we're never going to meet. Sorry, but in a relationship I'm equal. If he can't communicate with me on equal terms then we have no accord. Your approach would fit a very small minority of the population and given that it's 2013, I'd say won't work. I'm not sitting back with Doris Day playing in the background and looking at the phone to ring. I need to know where a guy stands on an equal footing so I know where I stand. A relationship after all is about two people.

 

And again - at least a guy knows not to even bother with lying to me. If that means most of the guys with online dating are liars and won't contact me - so be it. That's been my experience so far.

 

I think you want sunshine and roses honey and you ain't gonna find it.

Edited November 11, 2013 by ArcaneLady

[winny]

I would just say that be prepared that there would be many guys who would not reply to u... sometimes after the first ever text/email, sometimes after first date, sometimes fifth date, tenth date, after sleeping with u... etc etc...

Just because u r nice or polite u cannot expect others to b like that.

U have to accept that and move on

One guy did almost same thing to me... but who cares! I moved on to next guy

U have to take this lightly and enjoy the first few dates without any expectations... if they come back good... if they don't... better

[NJtoDC]

Traditional? Oh dear. So the man is the boss and a woman who is upfront is aggressive? That's where we're never going to meet. Sorry, but in a relationship I'm equal. If he can't communicate with me on equal terms then we have no accord. Your approach would fit a very small minority of the population and given that it's 2013, I'd say won't work. I'm not sitting back with Doris Day playing in the background and looking at the phone to ring. I need to know where a guy stands on an equal footing so I know where I stand. A relationship after all is about two people.

 

You have no idea what you are talking about. Identifying with a more traditional role does not mean I am not respected or valued as an equal.

 

You talk to me like my choices, of which I've given little detail of and you only assume to understand, are inferior. Just because you did not chose what I would call a more traditional gender role in a relationship does not mean my choice (and that of other traditional types) any less valid.

 

There are plenty of traditional gender roled people, especially in religious groups. Maybe we can make a list to check of those groups and check them off as we talk down about them. You seem to think I need to get with the times- 2013. Your post seems ignorant, closed minded, and rude. I think you should respect other peoples values.

 

Traditional dating roles are not some freakish remnant of a bygone era. It doesn't appeal to you, fine. Progressive is different, not superior. How about I accept (as I have already) your right to do things your way and you accept mine?

 

My 'approach' won't work? My 'approach' isn't a style of dating or some game- it is a reflection of my personal value system, tradition, and desire for my nuclear family. I'm a traditional woman in some ways, which you can only presume to know beyond that I let a guy take the lead in early courtship.

 

The guys I have dated were very interested in me. They haven't met many women like me, who want a man to step up and take the lead, and they were intrigued and very eager. I was feminine, charming, funny, a good cook, and seductive. It was a lot of fun and attention. None of them looked down on me as less than them. They loved being valued and appreciated as a man (speaking in gender roles here) in a traditional manner. It doesn't take away from my value. They valued me, respected me, and were smitten with me.

 

But I am many other things too: an honors student, intelligent, a natural leader, good with money, I sing, I play guitar, I'm caring, affectionate, passionate, creative, and nurturing.

 

My point is this- being traditional does not mean you lack depth, intelligence, and sit around waiting for the phone to ring. It does not mean your mind is not valued and your opinions don't count.

 

I respect your right to approach relationships in any manner you like. You gotta do what is right for you. Now, if you still less of my (and many other people's) choice I would appreciate it if you would at least be decent and refrain from belittling me outright.

[NJtoDC]

 

I think you want sunshine and roses honey and you ain't gonna find it.

 

 

Wow. Does that make you feel better?

[winny]

You have no idea what you are talking about. Identifying with a more traditional role does not mean I am not respected or valued as an equal.

 

You talk to me like my choices, of which I've given little detail of and you only assume to understand, are inferior. Just because you did not chose what I would call a more traditional gender role in a relationship does not mean my choice (and that of other traditional types) any less valid.

 

There are plenty of traditional gender roled people, especially in religious groups. Maybe we can make a list to check of those groups and check them off as we talk down about them. You seem to think I need to get with the times- 2013. Your post seems ignorant, closed minded, and rude. I think you should respect other peoples values.

 

Traditional dating roles are not some freakish remnant of a bygone era. It doesn't appeal to you, fine. Progressive is different, not superior. How about I accept (as I have already) your right to do things your way and you accept mine?

 

My 'approach' won't work? My 'approach' isn't a style of dating or some game- it is a reflection of my personal value system, tradition, and desire for my nuclear family. I'm a traditional woman in some ways, which you can only presume to know beyond that I let a guy take the lead in early courtship.

 

The guys I have dated were very interested in me. They haven't met many women like me, who want a man to step up and take the lead, and they were intrigued and very eager. I was feminine, charming, funny, a good cook, and seductive. It was a lot of fun and attention. None of them looked down on me as less than them. They loved being valued and appreciated as a man (speaking in gender roles here) in a traditional manner. It doesn't take away from my value. They valued me, respected me, and were smitten with me.

 

But I am many other things too: an honors student, intelligent, a natural leader, good with money, I sing, I play guitar, I'm caring, affectionate, passionate, creative, and nurturing.

 

My point is this- being traditional does not mean you lack depth, intelligence, and sit around waiting for the phone to ring. It does not mean your mind is not valued and your opinions don't count.

 

I respect your right to approach relationships in any manner you like. You gotta do what is right for you. Now, if you still less of my (and many other people's) choice I would appreciate it if you would at least be decent and refrain from belittling me outright.

 

There's no need to add 'honest communication' to your profile. These men will either BE honest or BE liars saying they are honest. This won't keep liars out.

 

If you literally put "I do not want liars" you may not be getting messages because it's a negative and unappealing thing to put on your profile. It doesn't attract positive attention.

 

When I would see a guy say things like: I'm tired of games, no gold diggers, done with cheaters, liars need not apply, I'm not hear to fix your problems, my kids come first and if you don't like it there's the door...I kept it moving. They sounded angry, bitter, negative, and not like the kind of guy I want to meet.

 

 

 

That is exactly what I do

[ArcaneLady]

Winny, I think you misunderstand me. I'm well aware that this will happen - the purpose of me making this thread was to open a discussion about honesty in dating. I'm 42 and far from naive. Also, using chat speak makes it very hard to read.

 

And to the other person - you derailed my thread by trying to push your traditional agenda, so anything sent your way is fair enough. If you can't debate in an adult forum and expect people to disagree with you then that's not my fault I'm afraid. Of course "lots" of guys like you, you cater to them exclusively. You're almost a caricature of a woman from years gone by. I had one relationship for most of my adult life. And any guy who expects me to be a stepford wife is going to be very disappointed XD

 

You've also got one hell of an ego!

Edited November 11, 2013 by ArcaneLady

[mammasita]

I don't understand the need for a "no I'm sorry, not interested".......isn't silence enough?

 

I mean, with on line dating, it's kind of the way the game is played. You talk, you meet, it works or it doesn't......aaaaaaand, on to the next. Again, it's a huge game - Why waste your energy?

 

You're desire for polite rejection is akin to a dumpee seeking closure from their dumper. Pretty damn unlikely.

[NJtoDC]

 

And to the other person - you derailed my thread by trying to push your traditional agenda, so anything sent your way is fair enough. If you can't debate in an adult forum and expect people to disagree with you then that's not my fault I'm afraid. Of course "lots" of guys like you, you cater to them exclusively. You're almost a caricature of a woman from years gone by. I had one relationship for most of my adult life. And any guy who expects me to be a stepford wife is going to be very disappointed XD

 

I'm not 'pushing an agenda'. I tried to relate to you as someone who has been there, done that with online dating. My point of reference is my personal experience, which happens to be traditional. We figured out late in the thread that the reason we do not see eye to eye is largely in part to our different views. It's a helpful realization, as we can stop sharing ideas as I see they won't be helpful to your POV.

 

The thread was derailed by your unpleasant and ignorant comments on my ways. I said my piece to defend an alternative choice, while respecting your right to a different POV. The fact that I am happy with, and successful in dating with my choice does not mean I am pushing an agenda. To the contrary, I have repeatedly said I respect your right to do as you please. Afford me the same.

 

I can debate on an adult forums, I and do it with thoughtful and intelligent ideas, and I don't resort to insulting people. Disagree with me all night, you certainly have. I don't mind. But the comments you have come up with recently? Wow.

 

As far as catering to men exclusively, you again have no idea...lol. But I'm not even sure what you mean. If you mean I cater to one man at a type, I am a one man woman. If you mean that I give and do not get, that would be another false and condescending assumption. I give a lot and I expect a lot. I'm very happy and so is my SO. I would hope you'd be happy for me instead of telling me how it ain't sunshine and roses, as I assure you, it is.

 

Just call me June Cleaver! I'm ok with that. You add the negative connotation, not I. I'm not a stepford wive. Being traditional is not being a robot. How ignorant you are being. It's very unattractive to talk to people this way. It's almost venomous how much I seem to bother you. What's up with that?

 

Can you not allow me my sunshine and roses while you have whatever it is you are seeking?