A weekend in the "moving on" process...

[sambo77]

This "moving on" stuff is tough. This weekend has been the strangest roller coaster.

 

Friday afternoon. My son's mum picks him up from school and he's with her until Sunday afternoon.

 

I get home from work. I'm feeling positive. Like I might even be OK (little did I know, I spoke too soon). My new rowing machine is here...so I row 8km...eat my favourite meal...read a bit...and turn in. Feel quite good.

 

As soon as I'm in bed my thoughts turn to her. For some reason I keep thinking of the moments where we made love here, cuddled, laughed, played. I instantly miss her.

 

Sit in bed and write "draft messages" that I'd like to send her. Wonder what she's doing. Keep trying to forecast what she'd say if I contacted her. This rubbish stops me sleeping until 1.

 

Saturday. On a day when I could sleep in until whenever...I wake at...7?! FFS. Try to be positive. Actually have breakfast...duck eggs...good choice. Try to be positive and work on a book review and a paper I'm writing at work. Am really, really productive. Then...at 5...boom the roller coaster dips again, dramatically. I'm crying....like a baby...out of nowhere?!

 

Start Googling..."dealing with loneliness after breakup"...."miss her so so much"..."will she come back"...Google MUST know the answer to these questions...surely?! All the links on my searches are that purple colour...I've opened them all before...so Google can't do sh?t for me.

 

I realise...again...that there is no quick fix for my pain...and am once again faced with it...I feel like I have no f&£king idea what to "do" - everything feels pointless, difficult, a chore.

 

God knows why, but I decide to go out alone Saturday night (next week I thankfully have friends to do stuff with!). Walk into town in the rain with an umbrella. Sit in a bar with a newspaper and pint...this ain't helping me at all.

 

All guys I see remind me of the sorts of guys who'll be hitting on her. It stings like hell. I can't stick it. So I leave after an hour. Walk around the city in the rain...crying inwardly...miss her so so much...walk where we walked together. Even though I'm not religious I ask God (on the off chance he exists) to please help me get through this.

 

Get home...eat something...feel calmer and have no idea why I thought forcing myself to go out alone would help. It didn't. Do more work on my paper. Bed.

 

Wake up at...10...cool. But horrid feeling of anxiety and emptiness are back in pit of stomach. Have more duck eggs left so eat them again. Try to inspire myself by watching some inspirational talks...Viktor Frankl gave a great one on his time in concentration camps during WWII. I figure he must be right that suffering does ultimately lead to growth.

 

Travel to London on train to collect my son. I am so angry at his mum...who left us to sod off to London with her new man two years ago...leaving me to raise him in every sense. All she does is swan around the city every day, go out every evening...and looks after her son for less than two days/week. Some mother. I feel angry that she's left me to carry the burden of parenting almost alone. Can hardly look at her.

 

On the way home I realise I'm creaking at the seams here. Emotional burdens everywhere...feel intense anxiety in my chest and stomach. Realise my ex really was a source of comfort. I felt like I belonged in the world...like someone gave a sh?t. I don't feel that any longer. Feel very alone.

 

We get home. We read books together. I play with him. He has dinner. He goes to bed. I feel...empty. Tomorrow I will be very busy at work.

 

When I was a kid I never dreamt that there would be whole chunks of my life where I literally feel like I'm living each day because "I ought to" and not because "I want to." I'm trying here...but I don't know what I'm "trying" to do? To just survive? To find new meaning without her? To wait for a storm to pass?

[AnyaNova]

This "moving on" stuff is tough. This weekend has been the strangest roller coaster.

 

Friday afternoon. My son's mum picks him up from school and he's with her until Sunday afternoon.

 

I get home from work. I'm feeling positive. Like I might even be OK (little did I know, I spoke too soon). My new rowing machine is here...so I row 8km...eat my favourite meal...read a bit...and turn in. Feel quite good.

 

As soon as I'm in bed my thoughts turn to her. For some reason I keep thinking of the moments where we made love here, cuddled, laughed, played. I instantly miss her.

 

Sit in bed and write "draft messages" that I'd like to send her. Wonder what she's doing. Keep trying to forecast what she'd say if I contacted her. This rubbish stops me sleeping until 1.

 

Saturday. On a day when I could sleep in until whenever...I wake at...7?! FFS. Try to be positive. Actually have breakfast...duck eggs...good choice. Try to be positive and work on a book review and a paper I'm writing at work. Am really, really productive. Then...at 5...boom the roller coaster dips again, dramatically. I'm crying....like a baby...out of nowhere?!

 

Start Googling..."dealing with loneliness after breakup"...."miss her so so much"..."will she come back"...Google MUST know the answer to these questions...surely?! All the links on my searches are that purple colour...I've opened them all before...so Google can't do sh?t for me.

 

I realise...again...that there is no quick fix for my pain...and am once again faced with it...I feel like I have no f&£king idea what to "do" - everything feels pointless, difficult, a chore.

 

God knows why, but I decide to go out alone Saturday night (next week I thankfully have friends to do stuff with!). Walk into town in the rain with an umbrella. Sit in a bar with a newspaper and pint...this ain't helping me at all.

 

All guys I see remind me of the sorts of guys who'll be hitting on her. It stings like hell. I can't stick it. So I leave after an hour. Walk around the city in the rain...crying inwardly...miss her so so much...walk where we walked together. Even though I'm not religious I ask God (on the off chance he exists) to please help me get through this.

 

Get home...eat something...feel calmer and have no idea why I thought forcing myself to go out alone would help. It didn't. Do more work on my paper. Bed.

 

Wake up at...10...cool. But horrid feeling of anxiety and emptiness are back in pit of stomach. Have more duck eggs left so eat them again. Try to inspire myself by watching some inspirational talks...Viktor Frankl gave a great one on his time in concentration camps during WWII. I figure he must be right that suffering does ultimately lead to growth.

 

Travel to London on train to collect my son. I am so angry at his mum...who left us to sod off to London with her new man two years ago...leaving me to raise him in every sense. All she does is swan around the city every day, go out every evening...and looks after her son for less than two days/week. Some mother. I feel angry that she's left me to carry the burden of parenting almost alone. Can hardly look at her.

 

On the way home I realise I'm creaking at the seams here. Emotional burdens everywhere...feel intense anxiety in my chest and stomach. Realise my ex really was a source of comfort. I felt like I belonged in the world...like someone gave a sh?t. I don't feel that any longer. Feel very alone.

 

We get home. We read books together. I play with him. He has dinner. He goes to bed. I feel...empty. Tomorrow I will be very busy at work.

 

When I was a kid I never dreamt that there would be whole chunks of my life where I literally feel like I'm living each day because "I ought to" and not because "I want to." I'm trying here...but I don't know what I'm "trying" to do? To just survive? To find new meaning without her? To wait for a storm to pass?

 

I think I feel something similar right now.

 

Though I'm far enough away, I don't want the relationship back at all and know I couldn't trust him not to leave again, probably because of my AVPD I don't feel like the world can be right until he acknowledges me, lets me know that things are all right and that we are all right and the is never going to happen.

 

And it's like I've lost so many days to feeling like I'm just getting through and not really enjoying them.

[strive]

I have days like that too (mostly when I have nothing to distract me). I use those days to 'feel the pain' as they say. When something makes me sad or angry, I cry it out for maybe 5 mins and afterwards I feel instantly better. Then next time I don't feel sad/angry about those thoughts anymore.

 

Maybe you're just like me. We try too much to move on or keep ourselves too busy with our children that we don't make time to properly grieve.

 

Hang in there. You're already stronger than you think.

[mtnbiker3000]

When I was a kid I never dreamt that there would be whole chunks of my life where I literally feel like I'm living each day because "I ought to" and not because "I want to." I'm trying here...but I don't know what I'm "trying" to do? To just survive? To find new meaning without her? To wait for a storm to pass?

 

I had a similar discussion with my therapist. She calls it a 'transition' phase. Kind of like just treading water rather than swimming in any particular direction.This is normal. We've all been here. Just remember, it's all part of the process and can't be skipped or rushed. You just have to get through it however you can.

 

And you will do just that...

[xUnknown]

I hear ya Sambo. I'm in that exact same stage as you. 1mo post BU. I'm trying to stay positive but it hurts when that person who you could always go to isn't there any longer.

[yorkie]

Wow that was good to read sambo. I feel like that all the time I cant even concentrate on my work. I feel your pain so badly as I am going through exactly the same feelings and tbh its getting worse for me. Some nights im up at 3am cos I cant sleep until I get up at 7am for work. Apparently it gets better. Tbh I really do not know I ask the same questions into google everyday I just cant cope inside.

[Trick1004]

Sambo,

 

Hang in there, its absolutely debilitating initially but as time passes things slowly get better.

 

It's been about five months for me and while I didn't notice the process at the time, looking back I'm worlds better off now than three months ago.

 

Trick

[mtnbiker3000]

Sambo,

 

Hang in there, its absolutely debilitating initially but as time passes things slowly get better.

 

It's been about five months for me and while I didn't notice the process at the time, looking back I'm worlds better off now than three months ago.

 

Trick

 

Yeah, that's how it works. It just takes time. I'm 8 months NC and I'm pretty much 90% better. It was a hard road (not finished yet, but close) and sometimes it feels as though you won't make it. But you will. I promise you

[Haydn]

With you Sambo. Ive done the book and pint in the pub. Looked around and felt nothing but abject misery. I couldn`t do anything, its so crippling and like you there are days where its so hard to get out of bed. Trouble sleeping rising early. Keep being the great dad you are and PM me if you want to talk. I have a daughter and i know how hard it can be parenting and dealing with your own feelings. Your ex put you here, try not to let it spill over to your boy. I made this mistake early on in the depths of misery and even entertaining what life would be like if i was not around. Its so Hard but i am with you in how you feel every step of the way. Take care. Haydn

[radiodarcy]

I like your post. Of course, not because I like what you're having to go through - - but because I can relate. Nothing it worse than having to wait out a storm (which is in effect what you're doing) after a break up.

 

I'm not sure of the nature of your break up (i.e. who dumped who); in my case he was the deserter - - in every sense of the word.

 

He came and went for days at a time; until - - for the sake of my mental health I went full on NC. But the nature of the way things were left still have me clinging to that four letter word called "hope" that he will come back. Even though the rational side of me knows it's best that he doesn't.

 

But like you I struggle trying balance the coping mechanisms I have at hand: Do I sit at home? Where all I can do is pace and think about him until I feel like a caged animal with separation anxiety? or am I better off trying to get out and interact with people? All along, inwardly feel very much the same way I felt when I was sitting at home?

 

Neither scenario feels any better than the other. I fall asleep early, around 6 or 7 at night, then wake up around 3 am and I'm back to dwelling on him again.

 

My patience with everyone from people all the way to my beloved pets is running thin. I feel restless. Going to the gym helps some but I can only stay and work out for so long.

 

The only comfort I have it knowing that I have been through this sort of thing before and with a relationship that last much longer than this one did. If I made it through that one I can make it through this one.

 

And you will too. Just give it time and keep coming here for support. It really does help.

Edited November 11, 2013 by radiodarcy

[sambo77]

I had a similar discussion with my therapist. She calls it a 'transition' phase. Kind of like just treading water rather than swimming in any particular direction.This is normal. We've all been here. Just remember, it's all part of the process and can't be skipped or rushed. You just have to get through it however you can.

 

And you will do just that...

 

Yeah...it feels exactly like treading water. That's an apt metaphor. I am going "nowhere" and just to go nowhere I am using more energy than I have ever used in my life. All my strength....just to survive.

[sambo77]

With you Sambo. Ive done the book and pint in the pub. Looked around and felt nothing but abject misery. I couldn`t do anything, its so crippling and like you there are days where its so hard to get out of bed. Trouble sleeping rising early. Keep being the great dad you are and PM me if you want to talk. I have a daughter and i know how hard it can be parenting and dealing with your own feelings. Your ex put you here, try not to let it spill over to your boy. I made this mistake early on in the depths of misery and even entertaining what life would be like if i was not around. Its so Hard but i am with you in how you feel every step of the way. Take care. Haydn

 

Thanks buddy. Even though nobody should have to go through this (it's a freakin massive design flaw) it's comforting to know others are in the same boat. Thanks for your support (and thanks to everyone else too). It truly helps to know that others are walking this pathway too...and that some of you have gotten further along it than I have.

 

Thanks...will def PM you.

[mtnbiker3000]

Yeah...it feels exactly like treading water. That's an apt metaphor. I am going "nowhere" and just to go nowhere I am using more energy than I have ever used in my life. All my strength....just to survive.

 

I know exactly what you are describing and I was here myself. Still am in some ways

 

Just know that even though you don't appear to moving, or you can't measure it. You are. You really are. Just 'surviving' or 'exisitng' is a victory and pushing you in the right direction. I know it's very hard to tell, but you are doing well

[mtnbiker3000]

Even though nobody should have to go through this (it's a freakin massive design flaw) it's comforting to know others are in the same boat.

 

Time to get existential. But I truly think that life wouldn't be so sweet if it weren't for the opposite side, pain. Ray Bradbury often writes about this theme. Check out the short story: "The Happiness Machine" Wow, can't believe I remember that from Jr. High

[30andsad]

Sambo, I know exactly where you are, it is so very similar to what my days are. Sometimes totally fine and then right back into the gutter. I'm sorry you are going through this as well, but like you say it is relieving in some odd way to know you're not the only one experiencing this. That is what is so helpful about this forum, just knowing others who feel your pain can relate and give support because it definitely makes you feel so bad that you feel you're the only person in the world who could feel this down.

 

The roller coaster is part of the healing though, we'll get there eventually even though it feels this ride might never end right now. Keep pushing on!

[geegee81]

I totally relate to you and I understand.

 

 

It’s been a month since my break up, and overall I’ve been doing well and living life. Ive went out on a date each week, and I have a few new love interests. It feels good to know that I’m still desirable. But I occasionally get sad, I even cried for a few minutes today. I still miss him, I do. But the show must go on. I can’t and won’t stop life because I’m stuck on a man that doesn’t want me. It just wasn’t meant to be.

 

I think it’s important to keep moving forward.

[Trick1004]

Time to get existential. But I truly think that life wouldn't be so sweet if it weren't for the opposite side, pain. Ray Bradbury often writes about this theme. Check out the short story: "The Happiness Machine" Wow, can't believe I remember that from Jr. High

 

I tend to agree with this outlook as well. While this has certainly been the most painful thing I've ever gone through, I've learned the depths from which I can bounce back and have had to take a long, hard look in the mirror at my own shortcomings.

 

So a part of me is even now glad this happened and I suspect as more time passes I will value this experience more and more. It's going to make the highs so much greater in the future.

 

Trick

[mtnbiker3000]

Ive went out on a date each week, and I have a few new love interests.

 

Don't forget to take some time before too many 'new love interests' to reflect and grow as an individual.

 

I think it’s important to keep moving forward.

 

Yes, but also to slow down and get used to being cool with just good ol' you.

[mtnbiker3000]

I tend to agree with this outlook as well. While this has certainly been the most painful thing I've ever gone through, I've learned the depths from which I can bounce back and have had to take a long, hard look in the mirror at my own shortcomings.

 

So a part of me is even now glad this happened and I suspect as more time passes I will value this experience more and more. It's going to make the highs so much greater in the future.

 

Trick

 

Yup. This has been my mission and my mantra!!! Grow, learn, and become a better version of me!! Physically and mentally. Thanks *you know who*

[Haydn]

Huge fan of Ray, Illustrated man. Sorry off thread but Ray is a fantastic read.

 

 

Time to get existential. But I truly think that life wouldn't be so sweet if it weren't for the opposite side, pain. Ray Bradbury often writes about this theme. Check out the short story: "The Happiness Machine" Wow, can't believe I remember that from Jr. High

[me85]

I really enjoyed reading this thread.

 

I for one, do believe that God exists.

 

You sound like such a good person with natural/normal feelings. I too feel very much alone in this world. I am sorry for the things you are going through. I can only imagine the challenges you face from day to day being a single parent.

 

Please remember that "This too shall pass."

[sambo77]

I really enjoyed reading this thread.

 

I for one, do believe that God exists.

 

You sound like such a good person with natural/normal feelings. I too feel very much alone in this world. I am sorry for the things you are going through. I can only imagine the challenges you face from day to day being a single parent.

 

Please remember that "This too shall pass."

 

Thanks for your kind words. You can't imagine how much they gave me strength tonight. I had a friend over for dinner and it always seems in the moments after someone has left my house that the feelings come flooding back powerfully. Like my brain suddenly remembers it "should be suffering" and turns the volume up to compensate.

 

Well...I want to believe in God...I see many friends who are believers gain great strength from their belief. And I'm kinda giving up on worshipping Google anyway.

[me85]

You're so welcome!

 

Your part about google was hilarious!

 

I googled how to tell ex to leave me alone & it led me here! So, ya…I trust in google too. lol

 

And hey, your ex isn't the last girl you're ever going to love.