Birdistheword09 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I'm currently separated (for 9 months) after 15 years of marriage. In that time I've done my fair share of dating and have found most men out there to be flaky, dishonest and unreliable. After going on about 15-20 really terrible dates, I decided to throw in the towel. Literally, the day after deciding to stop dating I met a man who is separated and literally came out of the exact marital situation that I did (a cheating spouse). We actually caught our significant others cheating on the same day and in the exact same way. Needless to say, we hit it off instantly. We've been dating for 2 1/2 months and we had the "exclusive" talk and very casually decided that we are "girlfriend and boyfriend". Here's my problem. And yes, I know it's extremely shallow, so let me have it! It kind of bothers me that he's not as successful and cultured as I'd like. He's amazing in every other way. Nice, attractive, honest, reliable, funny, fun to be with and above all, a great father to his 3 kids. But I've had a second lease on life and envisioned myself with someone very different from who he is. I saw myself with someone artistic, cultured, educated, and successful. Someone I could travel the world with. But he didn't graduate from college (he went but dropped out), and is fairly "simple". I know that sounds terrible! I don't want to feel like I'm "settling". Thoughts? Am I just being way too picky?
Woggle Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Not telling you how to feel but he is probably much smarter than you think. Most learning is done out of the classroom. 2
Author Birdistheword09 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Yes, I see your point about not rushing into an exclusive relationship. It's not about being alone. I'm fine with with being alone. And I did date. And had really bad experiences. So when "he" came along it was a breath of fresh air and unexpected. And just to be clear. He's not unintelligent- I'm sorry it came across that way. And he makes a decent living from what I can tell. I don't know. Maybe it boils down to a big difference in interests.
happywithlife Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 First off, everyone heals from broken marriages/the end of relationships at different rates so don't let others tell you that you need to be following a rule regarding how long you should be single prior to dating. If you really know yourself and know that you are ready to be in a serious relationship than it's ok to be in one. I also don't think anyone on here will be able to tell you that you should or shouldn't pursue this relationship. You need to assess what is important to you and whether or not you can be happy being in a relationship with someone who may not make as much money as you had hoped. There are trade-offs in every relationship. What on your list of desirable traits are you will to negotiate on and what is an absolute need? No one can answer this but you. Having negotiable items on a list do not mean you are settling for less. Having non-negotiable items means you know yourself and what you need to make a relationship with you work. Best of luck with your decision!
OpheliaSong Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I would take some time to figure out what happened with your last marriage (a step by step of the breakdown) so I wouldn't repeat it. I would also not date for a while until I figured out what I wanted in life and made sure that I was emotionally ok.
FitChick Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I think every man and woman who is newly divorced and separated has fantasies about the glamorous single life. Just like single people have fantasies about being cozily married. The reality is quite different. You have to decide what your priorities are. You two could be each others "transitional relationship" -- the one that helps you truly separate emotionally from your former spouses. Then you usually move on to someone else. Why not enjoy it while it lasts? Just don't get pregnant. Many women haven't had sex in so long that they forget about a little thing like birth control.
soccerrprp Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 You've had a taste of the quality of men that are out there. For you, negative. Then you find someone who is decent and not good enough b/c....well, you have your preferences. Just don't drag this guy along until you find someone else. And oh, why not wait until you're divorced. Why such a long separation? Based on your preferences, it can't be money, right?
ArcaneLady Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Here's the thing: you can spend your life looking for "perfection" and never find it, or miss something almost perfect that's right under your nose. Compromise is a key in any relationship. Is this guy abusive, mean, a liar, miserable, inconsistent? Do you "need" him to make you feel cultured and intelligent? Does he have to match you 100% in every single way? You've come out of a bad relationship, and I sense you have a fear that if it isn't perfect somehow you're settling and therefore it's a failure. You said you went on 15-20 dates and they were all horrible with loser guys. Now you meet a perfectly nice guy and you're still not happy? Haven't you got it how rare nice guys are after all those bad dates? Do you want to pass this guy up and go back on the treadmill of another 15-20 losers? I think this says more about you than the guys you've met. If you're not going to be satisfied, I'd suggest you take some time to sort yourself out until you know what you want. Don't lead this guy on if you think you're above him. Honestly after my marital disaster - I'd take an overall decent guy any day than some lofty idea of so called intellectual and cultural quality. In the end, you're coming home to someone who is a good person - if I want culture I can read a book or visit a museum or watch a documentary. But they won't be there to soothe my tears, have a laugh or share important things with.
jenwon Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 You're probably looking for too much at this point. Being "separated" is a red flag to most good men. Not having a divorce finalized means you still have a lot of issues to deal with emotional and otherwise. Its not necessarily a bad reflection of you, but people will be scared off by the complicated situation
RonaldS Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 First off, everyone heals from broken marriages/the end of relationships at different rates so don't let others tell you that you need to be following a rule regarding how long you should be single prior to dating. If you really know yourself and know that you are ready to be in a serious relationship than it's ok to be in one. I also don't think anyone on here will be able to tell you that you should or shouldn't pursue this relationship. You need to assess what is important to you and whether or not you can be happy being in a relationship with someone who may not make as much money as you had hoped. There are trade-offs in every relationship. What on your list of desirable traits are you will to negotiate on and what is an absolute need? No one can answer this but you. Having negotiable items on a list do not mean you are settling for less. Having non-negotiable items means you know yourself and what you need to make a relationship with you work. Best of luck with your decision! In all likelihood, most of the people saying that it's not a great idea to get involved on a heavy level so soon after separating are those who have been divorced. Yes, everybody heals at different rates, but I will just come out and say it: there's no way you are ready for a real relationship 9 months after catching your husband cheating on you after 15 years of marriage. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. But I don't tell people what they should or shouldn't do, so do whatever blows your hair back. I guess I would implore you to examine yourself deeply and try to figure out why you are looking for a relationship already. And as a general rule of thumb, it's best to let a year or so pass post-divorce (not post-separation). Maybe you feel up for it, and that's fine. I would say this, though....you probably feel 'fine' right now, but if in a year you look back at right now, I would bet that you will be shocked by how you were really feeling. It is such a long and painful process. 9 months is nothing. It's not like a break-up...in a lot of ways, it's worse than a death. Good luck as you mode forward.
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