mirage12 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I was dating a girl I went to school with for the past 8 months and we broke up yesterday. We went to law school together and we graduated a few months ago at the same time. It's been such a roller coaster relationship because there's always been external pressure on us, because of when we started dating - figuring out graduation, months of hell studying for the bar exam, and then stress waiting for bar exam results. She's started working at a very, very high pressure job and she doesn't handle stress well - at first she had a lot of anxiety because of the job and in the past few weeks that anxiety turned to depression. I love her so much and this break is especially hard because I don't think wet split because the two of us were incompatible or because we weren't good for each other, or because there was no foreseeable future. I treated her really well and was so supportive during these hard times and the split came 100% for her - she doesn't think she can date at this point in her life, she needs to "fix herself" and she felt guilty/horrible about the way that she had been treating me in the past month or so. We talked about how a break wouldn't work because she doesn't know how long it's going to take for her to figure out how to move forward with the new job/how to begin this next stage of life. I don't want to lose her or to have her be completely out of my life, especially because I feel like we split because of a circumstantial conflict, not because we didn't love each other...but I can't think of anything I can do to save it. What do you guys think? I feel so empty.
mutualove Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I can relate to you.Almost same amount of time and the other things you said about everything being good and you treating her good (just like my case) but then she saying she can't go any further.In my case I would give all the time she needs if I knew after that time she'd come back to me and she wouldn't go off with somebody else because it's just not fair.But I don't know that and nor do you in your case.You love her and she loves you but... I have the same "but" in my situation but I'm learning to let go little by little.It hasn't been long only two weeks for me don't know about you.I'm lost as you are but I'm ready to let mine go because if she cared that much she'd fight for it as much as I do and not just up and go that easily... 1
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I can relate to you.Almost same amount of time and the other things you said about everything being good and you treating her good (just like my case) but then she saying she can't go any further.In my case I would give all the time she needs if I knew after that time she'd come back to me and she wouldn't go off with somebody else because it's just not fair.But I don't know that and nor do you in your case.You love her and she loves you but... I have the same "but" in my situation but I'm learning to let go little by little.It hasn't been long only two weeks for me don't know about you.I'm lost as you are but I'm ready to let mine go because if she cared that much she'd fight for it as much as I do and not just up and go that easily... I was in the same situation...my ex and I were about a month from our 2yr when she told me the same ****. She wasn't happy with herself, wasn't sure if she was feeling the spark (not sure if yours have mentioned that) but a lot of stresses of work at her new job and moving. She asked for a break. I told her I thought breaks were bull**** and she disagreed. She clarified several times it was a break, not a breakup, and that there was a difference between the two. She just needed to clear her head. 2 weeks later (only contacted her once during that 2 week break), we broke up. She mentioned the same type of things. She wants me in her life, doesn't want to loose me - but just needs to work on herself right now and see where we are in 6mo. I told her I can't be her friend and we ended on good terms in hopes for the future. OP, Start to detach yourself and start to move on. Breaks are a bunch of crap. You dont run from your problems. If you want a chance in the future, end on good terms. Show her you care enough to let her go to work on herself. Then go NC. If she comes back, she comes back....if not, then you're already starting to move on. Good luck man. 2
Author mirage12 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 OP here. I've gone through breakups before and I know that they've always been hard. For some reason, I'm really struggling with this one because of the way that it ended. I know that what my ex said she really meant, at least to an extent - she really is hurting right now and is suffering from tremendous pressure to the point where she is miserable in all aspects of her life, and I could see that. I know it's also maybe just selfish, but I'm having such a hard, hard time letting her go. We've been through so much stress and external pressure, so many hard hard times together in the past months that I want to try to say to her that this is just one more hard time that we can try to weather together. I know that NC is the best way, but all I want to do is to try and reach out to her one more time, maybe send her an e-mail or write her something just so I can try to do something more than sit idly as she starts to slip out of my life. I go back and forth - in some ways the breakup isn't so bad because my contact, both physical and communication-wise, had fallen off a lot anyways since she began working 1 month ago. But I'm totally lost without her. The worse part for me is waking up in the morning, when I'm completely sober and reality sets in that she's not a part of my life anymore. I don't know what to do, all I want to do is to talk to her.
Author mirage12 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I guess I also want to say or tell her some things I couldn't articulate as we were actually breaking up...how much she's meant to me while we were together, how many things we've done/gone through together, how she's become my best friend, good memories we've shared, etc. etc. I know I'm really just spinning my wheels here and that it probably won't help but I feel awful sitting here with that on my chest, thinking that I should've said more. Would it be that horrible to break NC just a little bit to say some of those things?
organizedchaos Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I was in the same situation...my ex and I were about a month from our 2yr when she told me the same ****. She wasn't happy with herself, wasn't sure if she was feeling the spark (not sure if yours have mentioned that) but a lot of stresses of work at her new job and moving. She asked for a break. I told her I thought breaks were bull**** and she disagreed. She clarified several times it was a break, not a breakup, and that there was a difference between the two. She just needed to clear her head. 2 weeks later (only contacted her once during that 2 week break), we broke up. She mentioned the same type of things. She wants me in her life, doesn't want to loose me - but just needs to work on herself right now and see where we are in 6mo. I told her I can't be her friend and we ended on good terms in hopes for the future. OP, Start to detach yourself and start to move on. Breaks are a bunch of crap. You dont run from your problems. If you want a chance in the future, end on good terms. Show her you care enough to let her go to work on herself. Then go NC. If she comes back, she comes back....if not, then you're already starting to move on. Good luck man. My situation is very similar to yours. Got similar reasons from her. A break then the bu.
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) My situation is very similar to yours. Got similar reasons from her. A break then the bu. Just found out today that she felt self conscious around me because of her weight to the point where we weren't having sex often.... I don't know exactly what to think about that... Makes me feel like I'm the problem...but its not me. Edited November 11, 2013 by xUnknown
Author mirage12 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I've had bad breakups before but this one feels bad because I'm not able to come to terms with the fact that it's 100% over...because of the way that it ended, I know she needs to be alone or not dating so that she can figure out her life/get to a better place. But that's leaving me with a minor glimmer of hope that maybe she won't forget me when she does figure it all out, and that tiny bit of hope and the way we left things on good terms is driving me crazy. I know all the NC rules and so far I've been good...after the immediate breakup we only texted once back and forth, her saying how sorry she was/how she doesn't want to hurt me, me saying how I understand she needs this but that I'll always be there for her. I want to talk to her so badly, to figure out how she's doing because I know she's struggling with a lot of life stuff right now. I'm also frustrated at myself because I feel like there are a lot of things I want to say but didn't get to. I want to write her something brief, because I feel like I'm passively letting everything slip away and I haven't tried to fight to keep us going the way I want to. There will be a period in a few weeks when we get our bar results back that will either be a huge load of relief for her, or will put her in a far worse place than she already is. I've thought too about waiting to see how she's doing until then? I'm at a complete loss here. I haven't contacted her since the final few texts following the split but I feel like I'm just giving up and I want to do something, anything... 1
Author mirage12 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Anyone have thoughts on this? Sorry to be so anxious, I feel like I'm going insane. And thanks everyone...this board has helped me through relationship issues many times in the past.
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Anyone have thoughts on this? Sorry to be so anxious, I feel like I'm going insane. And thanks everyone...this board has helped me through relationship issues many times in the past. Write it down if you need to. But don't send it. EVERYONE here will suggest the same. Its unfortunate, but it will only push her further away. When my ex and I first went on a break, I wanted to do the same. When we had the BU talk, I told her that I almost did the letter thing but I was afraid it would have came off as clingy and pushing her away...she agreed that is how it would have seemed. Girls don't like clingy guys...doing that will only make you look that way. You're only a day or two in...give it some time. You're head is still a mess from all the emotional distress you've had. Don't make any rash decisions, like calling/texting/writing a letter begging her to come back...You'll regret it later. EVERYONE of my friends, this was before I joined LS, suggested the same, and I'm glad I took their advice. Write what needs to be written down, as ifyou were going to send it...but DON'T. You'll feel so much better about getting it all out that you most likely won't even want to send it. Keep your chin up bro. It gets better. Its difficult..but it does.
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 hi mirage, self conscious issues and stress can be killer.....you sound like a loving companion......and have stood by her......as far as the self conscious issues goes......study can do havoc to fitness......fitness is key when studying even more so to relieve stress levels.....kick boxing......you lose fitness and study will start to fail......or a relationship...or both...breaks are bull.....you work it out or you dont.......let her know you will be there for her.....but you arent goign to eb there if she doesnt try and work on it together.....to be together you have to work together......with stress without stress and through good and bad times you build up a coping manual by this method...including weight gain and weight loss.....the more you experience together the more resilliance you build to actually breaking up... thats my thoughts on it anyway... be firm with what you want......in a non combative way ...asking for what you need and what you desire is not wrong....hiding it is.....you cant compromise with one person sitting at the table having a one sided conversation, that is what a break, is a one sided unanswered conversation......very annoying and disheartening......... talk it out...as far as weight goes i fully understand....when you are with soemoen you love you want them to desire you ...if you dont feel desirable then you struggle with thinking why anyone would desire you.....if you are repulsed...then you think others are repulsed......normally the ones you truly care for because others dont matter to her or what they think doesnt matter...she is concerned how you perceive her as she struggles with her own body image .....because she truly cares what you think...show her how you feel abotu her and her body dont say it.....do it.....soft touches...i have a photographic memory so when my ex would look at me after i gave birth to his girls i felt him study me and have a picture in my mind of the look in his eyes......it will never go away...he was dissecting my body and form finding me lacking...he is a body builder......he would change when i lost weight......i never changed......i loved him regardless of his weight or scars or muscle tone.....you have to prove you feel the same about her....regardless......she will have confidence because of that fact....i truly gained confidence when my ex used to tell me and show me when we made love how my body attracted him how he appreciated me as a woman....he made em feel liek a woman ........he was able to maintain confidence in himself uber confidence because i made him feel desired......so therefore desirable...too much so......he didnt return that unless i was a certain weight and shape...... how do you look at her, how do you show her you desire her?......deb
Author mirage12 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Thanks for responding guys. In my case (OP here), my ex didn't have any body or self-image issues, that was another poster responding. But I do understand what you're saying about working through tough/stressful challengers together. That's why the breakup was so hard, because we weathered horribly unnatural stress together for most of our relationship and we were making it work. The change came when she began working, she changed in a way I haven't seen her ever be before, she's just in a bad, miserable place and I know she's been sinking deeper and deeper into it. I just wish we could've tried to work together this last challenge together just like we've worked through all of the other challenges.
todreaminblue Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Thanks for responding guys. In my case (OP here), my ex didn't have any body or self-image issues, that was another poster responding. But I do understand what you're saying about working through tough/stressful challengers together. That's why the breakup was so hard, because we weathered horribly unnatural stress together for most of our relationship and we were making it work. The change came when she began working, she changed in a way I haven't seen her ever be before, she's just in a bad, miserable place and I know she's been sinking deeper and deeper into it. I just wish we could've tried to work together this last challenge together just like we've worked through all of the other challenges. sorry i sometimes get posts mixed up......about the body issue thing.....anyway if she truly cares for you things will work out....it is a shame if you have weathered trials to not get through this one......but then that was my problem i woudl go through thinking we can gt through it look what we have come through and i fought hard......you have to have two fighting to make it work....i never enter into a relationship unless i know i can fight for it to last......through the crap adn the good times i stick by my partner unfortunately i sunk deep into a spiralling illness....and he decided it was enough and went full on to an affair ...mental illness is hard to deal with e coudl have made it through ....maybe.....but it wasnt meant to be....... too sick and really tired to fight the tide of emotion i felt so i let him go.... i wasn't well enough to fight for the both of us......or i probably would have...i was fighting the court system for my son that took all my mental energy. what i am trying to say by sharing my history is that my relationship went through many trials and couldnt make it through an affair.....fifteen years it lasted and it ended faster than it began......i believe it was meant to end.....we are friends phone friends.....we have children...eh i smore supportive than he was back then.... soemtimes you have to let them go to find what is right for you ...if they are right for you they come back if they dont, wasnt meant to be ....your relationship is waiting out there somewhere could be there with her or not.....go easy on yourself and give her the space she needs to see what she is missing...be firm if she says can we be friends its a no you are too invested in her to be a friend now....all or nothing..good luck .....deb
mutualove Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I was in the same situation...my ex and I were about a month from our 2yr when she told me the same ****. She wasn't happy with herself, wasn't sure if she was feeling the spark (not sure if yours have mentioned that) but a lot of stresses of work at her new job and moving. She asked for a break. I told her I thought breaks were bull**** and she disagreed. She clarified several times it was a break, not a breakup, and that there was a difference between the two. She just needed to clear her head. 2 weeks later (only contacted her once during that 2 week break), we broke up. She mentioned the same type of things. She wants me in her life, doesn't want to loose me - but just needs to work on herself right now and see where we are in 6mo. I told her I can't be her friend and we ended on good terms in hopes for the future. OP, Start to detach yourself and start to move on. Breaks are a bunch of crap. You dont run from your problems. If you want a chance in the future, end on good terms. Show her you care enough to let her go to work on herself. Then go NC. If she comes back, she comes back....if not, then you're already starting to move on. Good luck man. Yup I know what you mean.Mine wanted me in her life too she said she'd text me and call me from time to time and she's there whenever I need her but I told her I couldn't be normal friends with her.She didn't want to lose me either.The problem is she didn't have answers maybe GIGS maybe not.She said she didn't know if in the future whether sooner or later she could she said maybe yes maybe never.She just didn't have answers and I felt she didn't even know what she wants herself.We ended on good terms.I mean I ended it but she was the one that actually did it not me.And this was all yesterday and I believe I did well and right now I'm not having the terrible feelings that I had before that in the past two weeks.
Scale Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I was in the same situation...my ex and I were about a month from our 2yr when she told me the same ****. She wasn't happy with herself, wasn't sure if she was feeling the spark (not sure if yours have mentioned that) but a lot of stresses of work at her new job and moving. She asked for a break. I told her I thought breaks were bull**** and she disagreed. She clarified several times it was a break, not a breakup, and that there was a difference between the two. She just needed to clear her head. 2 weeks later (only contacted her once during that 2 week break), we broke up. She mentioned the same type of things. She wants me in her life, doesn't want to loose me - but just needs to work on herself right now and see where we are in 6mo. I told her I can't be her friend and we ended on good terms in hopes for the future. OP, Start to detach yourself and start to move on. Breaks are a bunch of crap. You dont run from your problems. If you want a chance in the future, end on good terms. Show her you care enough to let her go to work on herself. Then go NC. If she comes back, she comes back....if not, then you're already starting to move on. Good luck man. So it has been 13 months since we broke up and it was mutual. But she had got into depression before that, as we got in LDR and we were too having hard circumstances in life (I due to career and she due to depression). Same thing she said I'm getting distance and that spark is not there and I don't know I'm confused. Sometimes she wrote to me saying never leave me no matter what I say. BUt then I proposed the breakup for her to be happy as I feel I and our relationship was causing her depression and unhappiness. I don't know girls are very confused and I thought its just a phase we will be back together as she was very crazy about me. But no, she then started to date my friend and even him knowing it all my feelings for to bring her back and how serious I am about her, he still went forward. I still feel horrible and wish her back, now especially since got back to my country n city for good (she refused to even be friends after she told me she's falling for him and refused to meet me even when I came back until today, we don't talk. She blocked me from everywhere.) So basically we can't do nothing but try our best few times and show that you care (which all I did) and then let it be for her to self realize. If your feelings were genuine, she will realize sooner or later. I'm just working on my life trying to find a job in this horrible world economy and try keep her at the back side.
Author mirage12 Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 OP here. Got an update last night and would love to hear your opinions on it. I was talking to a friend of mine who also knows her, and he was telling me about a conversation he had with her. He couldn't remember when it was but it was before she an I started dating. She was asking him about another guy she had gone on a few dates with, and talking about how this guy was great - smart, had money, etc. but the issue was that he was serious, and at the time she wasn't - she understood that it was her last year before she began working and she'd never be able to have fun this way again...and she just wanted to have fun. When I hear about that conversation and translate that to our relationship, part of it makes sense to me, especially if it was always her plan all along to focus 100% on her career and be single when she started it so she could do that. There are also some parts that don't make sense to me - the "fun" for us ended in May, 6 months before we broke up, when we graduated from school. At that point, we began studying for the hardest test of our lives and for months it was so difficult to have a relationship/be dating someone during that stressful time. And then after that we were apart for weeks because we both went on separate trips and travelled...but still stayed together through all of that. When we were breaking up, she kept saying things to me like "you're perfect" and "you're incredible" over and over; it didn't make sense to me why she would need to say those things, it was more than was necessary at that point. The only possible conclusion I can come to is that although she didn't ever intend to have a serious relationship this past year, we lasted longer and stayed together because she ended up falling for me. But that didn't or couldn't change the fact that she knew she had to be single when she began work? Does any of this make sense to you guys? Am I misreading? Thank you all.
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