Colors Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I will try to keep this as short is possible... I've had two serious relationships in my life. The first one lasted three years, but after two years I was over my infatuation with the girl and should have let it go then. Now, in my current relationship of three years, the same thing has happened. About two years into the relationship I began losing interest and now I feel that I'm trying to save a sinking ship rather than jump overboard. The first girl wasn't marriage material, but this one is, which causes me to hesitate. She has pretty much everything I want, but for some reason the love I feel is waning. It causes me to question my own ability to love longterm as both relationships have fizzled in the exact same time frame, even though the girls did nothing to cause it. It also leads me to realistically question the nature of love itself... For instance, my parents do not have a loving relationship. They say that eventually couples lose that passion and ultimately you need to marry someone you can be great friends with. I think this sounds accurate, in which case staying with my girlfriend and working on rekindling our flame might be best. Beyond the passion (or recent lack of it), she is a great friend and partner. Then there is the other view, that love is this magical force that should just happen and make things work for a couple. I feel like this may be an immature way of thinking that could lead me to jump ship and potentially lose something I'll regret down the road. I also think this is more associated with the initial infatuation stages of a relationship and then after that staying strong together actually requires work. To conclude... The prospect of meeting my "true love" is enticing to me, but I'm not sure something like that actually exists. And I'm hesitant to give up a great girl to search for it, fearing regret down the road. My own track record also causes me to pause... I seem to lose interest in my lovers after a few years. I would love to hear any and all advice you guys could offer to help me make sense of what I'm feeling and how to respond to it.
NJtoDC Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I wonder if talking to a therapist might give you better insight and sound advice than we can. With that said, has anything changed in your relationship with the current GF other than the honeymoon ending? Is something lacking or amiss? Whether with your current GF or future wife you will have to work at maintaining the relationship. Sometimes you will have to choose to love even when you are not feeling lovey dovey. What do you mean about being enticed by the idea of meeting your 'true love'. Is this GF not that for you? Was she when you were still in the honeymoon period? If she was, and nothing has changed for the worst relationally, I would imagine the error is in your perception of true love. Is there anything you are lacking in your relationship that would cause you to have a grass is greener attack? Also, could this uncertainty be related to the prospect of marriage in the near future? Are you afraid of commitment? After 2 years, especially depending on your GF's age, she may very well expect this relationship to move to the next phase. Edited November 10, 2013 by NJtoDC 1
Yookie Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 The honeymoon phase is over. You continue the relationship because you WANT to be there. This happens to everyone. 1
ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 How old are you by the way? And realistically - do you expect to feel all consuming passion for the next 30, 40 years? The initial "lust" phase is to get you in and to establish a bond. That's the easy part. Then it changes and that's when real love Should kick in. If you find your feelings - and I'm not talking about lust and passion - changing to where you're not interested, you need to talk to her or talk to a relationship counsellor and sort out what your feelings are.
Bigcitydreamer Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 This is a really really interesting question and I hope you get more responses because I have no idea of this answer and I've wondered the same thing many times. I hope people have some personal insight on this!
crederer Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 It is pretty typical. You really have to work on the relationship. The lusty part of it never lasts forever and typically slows down at the 2 year mark. If the rest of the relationship is strong and there are things you can work on together to make it better, then I'd stick with it, personally. True love does exist, just maybe not the way you envisioned it. Life isn't a romantic comedy. 1
nomadic_butterfly Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 I will try to keep this as short is possible... I've had two serious relationships in my life. The first one lasted three years, but after two years I was over my infatuation with the girl and should have let it go then. Now, in my current relationship of three years, the same thing has happened. About two years into the relationship I began losing interest and now I feel that I'm trying to save a sinking ship rather than jump overboard. The first girl wasn't marriage material, but this one is, which causes me to hesitate. She has pretty much everything I want, but for some reason the love I feel is waning. It causes me to question my own ability to love longterm as both relationships have fizzled in the exact same time frame, even though the girls did nothing to cause it. It also leads me to realistically question the nature of love itself... For instance, my parents do not have a loving relationship. They say that eventually couples lose that passion and ultimately you need to marry someone you can be great friends with. I think this sounds accurate, in which case staying with my girlfriend and working on rekindling our flame might be best. Beyond the passion (or recent lack of it), she is a great friend and partner. Then there is the other view, that love is this magical force that should just happen and make things work for a couple. I feel like this may be an immature way of thinking that could lead me to jump ship and potentially lose something I'll regret down the road. I also think this is more associated with the initial infatuation stages of a relationship and then after that staying strong together actually requires work. To conclude... The prospect of meeting my "true love" is enticing to me, but I'm not sure something like that actually exists. And I'm hesitant to give up a great girl to search for it, fearing regret down the road. My own track record also causes me to pause... I seem to lose interest in my lovers after a few years. I would love to hear any and all advice you guys could offer to help me make sense of what I'm feeling and how to respond to it. Not sure how old you are but you need to look at things from her eyes. Would you feel comfortable from a practical standpoint if she stayed with you despite waning feelings. I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who is in two minds about me. I want my man to be confident in me and in "us." Nothing will be perfect and I agree with your parents that your life partner needs to be your best friend and there must be compatible more than just a "spark." Although you must have a strong attraction to her mind, body, and spirit. For me, the pragmatist, love has to be actions that lead to feelings and not the other way around because although you may "love" someone, you may not always like them and feelings are too unstable to purely base something as important as love on to me. A mans actions are what proves to me he loves me and drives me to love him rather than just my own raw emotion. This is not a popular stance though
Never Again Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 For instance, my parents do not have a loving relationship. They say that eventually couples lose that passion and ultimately you need to marry someone you can be great friends with. I think this sounds accurate, in which case staying with my girlfriend and working on rekindling our flame might be best. Beyond the passion (or recent lack of it), she is a great friend and partner. Then there is the other view, that love is this magical force that should just happen and make things work for a couple. I feel like this may be an immature way of thinking that could lead me to jump ship and potentially lose something I'll regret down the road. I also think this is more associated with the initial infatuation stages of a relationship and then after that staying strong together actually requires work. You've got the intellectual side of it down, but you've got to convince your heart to follow. “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières The relationships that last are based on deep, intimate friendships (where both partners KNOW that). The "spark" comes and goes - you fall in and out of love, and then back in again....over and over. Honestly, be glad that it lasted 2 years. The "honeymoon period" infatuation can end as early as 6 months and typically ends around a year but can last up to 2. Many people choose to leave at this point because it's...well, easy. The obsession piece, the intense interest, from the hormonal fueled beginning is gone. If you leave...you're not going to just "feel" that you make a mistake. Oh, you might know it, you might think it and wonder it...but that gut wrenching pull of desire and regret? Not so much. Those intense feelings happen because of the "high" of the honeymoon. Oh, they come back here and there. Do something exceptionally romantic or exciting...go on a roller coaster or have a steamy night of passion...and they'll briefly return. At this point, it's about CHOOSING to love. Falling in love is a magical event, but believing that real love functions this way certainly is immature and I'm glad you recognize that. To throw the cliche out there: "No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance it is by choice." You may not realize you make the choice, but choosing not to act is still a choice, and then all hell breaks loose. I'd suggest doing something exciting with her. Put in some real effort and see what "comes next". If you want it, stick to it. If you don't, leave.
Recommended Posts