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I've been with my gf for 4 years and she tells me she doesn't think im the one

windybunny

By windybunny
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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Hi guys, first post here!

 

I've been with my gf for 4 years and I'm currently 21 and she's 19. I always thought things were going pretty well but she suddenly told me she wanted more space in the relationship. She also told me not to be too serious about the relationship and should take things as they come cause I do too much for the relationship. She says i "might be the one" and "might not be the one" as she never knows what will happen in the future.

 

Is she preparing to break up with me whatnot?

 

She told me she loves me but is not sure if she loves me ALOT so I'm not sure what she really means. This is our first serious relationship (shes dated a few guys for short term before) and I was wondering if shes saying this just cause she has nothing to compare this with?

 

Personally I feel like shes the one because our relationship has been so vibrant..part of me wants to talk the logic back in to her to save this but I have no idea what I should do

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*missed out a few facts
Eivuwan Established Member

Eivuwan

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It is because you are both very young. If she is not taking things as seriously as you, then maybe you should not take things as seriously as well.

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Keenly Established Member

Keenly

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She's 19. Its not that you are not the one. Its that SHE is not the one.

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Shepp Established Member

Shepp

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I wouldn't say you were too young (id be the hypocrite of the century if I said that), I'd be dead hurt by that comment thou - I'd personally back off big time, stop being so available but that I can be hot headed so that might not be the best advise....just don't put your heart on the line for this one!

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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You two have grown up together. She probably loves you like a brother. Not uncommon nor unreasonable. Don't fear change. You can't stagnate forever.

beyond Established Member

beyond

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I'm so sorry, I know it hurts like hell.

 

It's hard to say this and even harder to do, but you need to let her go and have her 'space' for both your sakes.

Biscous Established Member

Biscous

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You didn't do anything wrong. People drift apart.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Thank you everyone for your replies. She thinks giving both of us space will be beneficial for the relationship as I really hope it will. I mean just 4 years down the drain? I really thought this "could be it". I mean after all the effort and time I've put in to you NOW you tell me I might not be "the one"?

 

And yes it does hurt like hell! From everyone's advice it seems like the only thing I can do is to give her space whilst expecting the worse. She says if we were meant to be then everything will fall in to place :mad:

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Titania22 Established Member

Titania22

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It's not 4yrs down the drain. It's 4yrs of invaluable experiences, that have helped shape you into the man you are now. All things in life end, it doesn't mean that all things are a waste of time.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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All things in life end, it doesn't mean that all things are a waste of time.

 

Thank you for this. It lets me see this whole situation in a different perspective. Well now that you say it, I have learnt a lot in this relationship. Very brightening thing to hear in this situation.

 

I talked to her and she said she wants to have a future with me and still wants to be with me but is still warning me to not be so "into" it as in making my life revolve around her. She says she loves me but shes not sure if she loves me A LOT..whatever that means! She said if I am able to feel that she loves me a lot then it is a lot but if I can't then its not a lot...Personally I can genuinely feel that she loves me a great deal but I have no idea what shes trying to say.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Thank you for this. It lets me see this whole situation in a different perspective. Well now that you say it, I have learnt a lot in this relationship. Very brightening thing to hear in this situation.

 

I talked to her and she said she wants to have a future with me and still wants to be with me but is still warning me to not be so "into" it as in making my life revolve around her. She says she loves me but shes not sure if she loves me A LOT..whatever that means! She said if I am able to feel that she loves me a lot then it is a lot but if I can't then its not a lot...Personally I can genuinely feel that she loves me a great deal but I have no idea what shes trying to say.

 

I think what she's trying to say is that she isn't as interested or invested in this relationship any more. This is hurtful, but natural considering she was only 15 when you started dating. People change tremendously in that time, and throughout their young adulthood too.

 

The only thing you can really do is give her space. She's warned you that she's got one foot out the door - telling you that you shouldn't centre your life around her is basically saying that she doesn't want you to get hurt when she ends it.

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Guitarisgood Established Member

Guitarisgood

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Don't want to be a downer but that's the pre-cursor to lets just be friends. You've either gotten boring/ too nice guy (which sounds like the case) while she has met someone better or wants to see what else is out there or most importantly, wants space. Absolutely like others say, it is 4 years of invaluable experience but from how you speak, I think you need to man up and see things logically rather than emotionally like a female.

 

What should you do now? Drop off the face of the earth! If she messages or initiates then of course act like there is no problems but don't hang around. Call up your friends and start going out with them preferably a few females. What you have to do now is to show that you don't need her and that she needs you in her life. SHE has to validate herself to you now.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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but from how you speak, I think you need to man up and see things logically rather than emotionally like a female.

 

I agree that I've been too emotionally attached with this whole situation and I really needed you guys to wake me up.

 

From what you guys say, it does seem like a break up will be coming anytime soon and I should be prepared for it. Nonetheless, I should be making myself less available and see what happens. Right?

 

I feel as if I've turned into this immature 13 y.o. blindly in love!:mad:

MrCastle Established Member

MrCastle

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Dude she's 19. I'd be more concerned if she said you were the one.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I agree that I've been too emotionally attached with this whole situation and I really needed you guys to wake me up.

 

From what you guys say, it does seem like a break up will be coming anytime soon and I should be prepared for it. Nonetheless, I should be making myself less available and see what happens. Right?

 

I feel as if I've turned into this immature 13 y.o. blindly in love!:mad:

 

Yes, that's best right now. Give yourself some time to evaluate what you really want, too. Focus on yourself - cliche, but important advice. Make sure that you know yourself apart from her, that you have a separate identity. That will help carry you through rough times.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Thank you everyone!

 

I am trying to be less available but she just got angry at me for being less available..what am I dealing with?!

 

Im sorry if I appear to be annoying or what here..its just that I'm very confused here.

ArcaneLady Member

ArcaneLady

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I started going out with my ex husband when I was 16. At 39, I left him after he drifted out of the marriage and my life, along with a bunch of other issues we couldn't get past.

 

I never thought we'd change so much. You have a hell of a long growing up and changing to do. You have time. In order to have a successful relationship with someone else, you need to know yourself first. Travel. Learn. Meet other people. Date casually for fun. Settle down when you've had enough experience to know who you are and know how the world works. You are still almost a kid - and she's even younger. Be proud that she showed enough maturity to save you heartbreak later. Some relationships that young stay the long haul but many don't. You will move on and in time you'll find someone who will be the right one.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Does her saying this necessarily mean its over because she does seem to still want to be together. Or does it mean take it easy?

 

I realize that there's lots of time for us to grow and to develop, and whichever one fate chooses me to take, it'll be beneficial for both parties.

 

My biggest fear is that shes keeping me around until some better guy comes along, hence the mixed signals.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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I agree that I've been too emotionally attached with this whole situation and I really needed you guys to wake me up.

 

From what you guys say, it does seem like a break up will be coming anytime soon and I should be prepared for it. Nonetheless, I should be making myself less available and see what happens. Right?

 

I feel as if I've turned into this immature 13 y.o. blindly in love!:mad:

Since this young lady has already moved on emotionally by the time she utters the words 'she doesn't think I'm the one', pre-empt the inevitable and move on tomorrow. It's Veteran's Day, a day to honor those who bravely served their country in time of conflict. Plenty of them had loving spouses and girlfriends who waited and agonized over their safe return. That's what you're looking for. This is a dry hole. Move on. My sympathies.

crederer Established Member

crederer

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Dude, she's prepping to dump you. She probably doesn't really know what she wants but she will very likely dump you sooner or later to see what else is out there. I've seen this plenty with women (not saying men don't do it, I just don't date men so i have no experience in that area).

 

I'd end it first if I were you, as being the dumper tends to have some sort of psychological advantage in moving on.

Guitarisgood Established Member

Guitarisgood

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This is how I would go about things. Long story short, agree and amplify - tell her, ever since she has told you this that you feel the same now too about her and need time to 'soul search' yourself. Tell her (if you actually still do) that her you care a lot about her and you'll always be open to her when she is ready. In the mean time, to just see what happens. From there, no more starting messages or getting into contact. If she contacts you first, by all means, reply. If you see her out, acknowledge her but no hanging around etc.

 

Essentially what you are doing now is spinning things on to her to show her you don't need her in your life. It proves beneficial to both of you because you get to move on and trust me in a few months most likely you'll meet someone even more amazing and your 'break up lovey dovey' goggles will fall off on top of your new life full of hobbies and career building stuff or she will really want you back after some actual 'soul searching'.

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Logically, all of your answered are spot on. This is not the woman I need in my life. The reason why I'm so unwilling to let go is because I know I'm not that desirable. Since I am not tall, good looking or sociable in any way, it really makes it difficult for me to "get back out there" . Although I do have a strong self-esteem, for some reason I can't seem to get myself out there and meet people.

Titania22 Established Member

Titania22

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Thank you for this. It lets me see this whole situation in a different perspective. Well now that you say it, I have learnt a lot in this relationship. Very brightening thing to hear in this situation.

 

 

No problem. I get it hurts right now, especially being that she is stringing you along a little while longer, and you don't have that clean break. Don't be fussed about her being upset by you pulling away. Tell her, that since she isn't 100%sure about you, need some space and distance, so you won't be so attached to her. She might get sure, once she missed you, or at least it won't hurt quite as badly when she does break it off for good.

 

As for other perspectives to brighten you, the fact you have had 1 serious 4yr relationship with a girl already, means that you will already look better in the eyes of most women then all the guy that haven't managed to have any.

Eivuwan Established Member

Eivuwan

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Logically, all of your answered are spot on. This is not the woman I need in my life. The reason why I'm so unwilling to let go is because I know I'm not that desirable. Since I am not tall, good looking or sociable in any way, it really makes it difficult for me to "get back out there" . Although I do have a strong self-esteem, for some reason I can't seem to get myself out there and meet people.

 

You said that you are not desirable but have strong self-esteem. What are your strengths? What makes you think someone else won't appreciate you for the things you like about yourself?

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windybunny Member

windybunny

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Sigh I've decided to let go, its not going to be easy but its something I have to do.

 

 

You said that you are not desirable but have strong self-esteem. What are your strengths? What makes you think someone else won't appreciate you for the things you like about yourself?

 

I dont really have any strengths but I have no idea where my self esteem comes from either. Im just scared to let go cause I know it'll take me years to find someone again.

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