shankers Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I just recently broke up with my gf who I have been dating for a year now. She is one of those needy people that lives in fear of some things. She has the paranoia thing going on when it comes to most people. In addition there are trust issues as well as just plain insecurities. Unfortunately she pushed me away because of her needy and insecure behavior. At this point she still wants to continue on with the relationship. However im not so sure. I have done EVERYTHING to make her feel loved however nothing is working. Sometimes I make minor mistakes and its like 40 steps back. I finally realized its not me that had to make her feel secure, it was herself. I have told her she is being needy and insecure before. She told me she was going to get therapy session at her school. The thing is im tired of giving her chances. However Im slightly scarred to leave simply because of the fact that she may change after therapy. I kinda of feel like I was doing all the work to make her secure however she didn't do anything for herself. She kinda had that Ill complain about it yet do nothing about it. When I just recently left her she started trying more however it still wasn't enough for me. Any body go through these situations?
windybunny Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Well if shes willing to get therapy that means shes trying hard to change. I am a needy person trying to change as well so I guess I'm going through what your gf is going through. You can try asking her if shes needy because shes scared of losing you? Is it because her world revolves around you and too focused on you?
Author shankers Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 her world doesn't revolve around me but sometimes i feel as if she cares to much if that makes any sense. I tried everything ans shes just destroying herself and our relationship. its to much for me. this is like the 60th time we have broken up and all and its just ridiculous.
Keenly Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 In my experience needy people can change, it this change usually doesn't take place until they are alone. And for a while too.
Author shankers Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Thats reassuring actually. looks like thats what im going to have to do.
Author shankers Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Take a long break from her. That is definitely the best course of action I think. 1
oldshirt Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 . I have done EVERYTHING to make her feel loved however nothing is working. Is that EVERYTHING what you need to feel loved or what she needs to feel loved?????? It's easy to confuse the too and people often do. People often do for their partner things that they would like to have done but doesn't really mean a hill of beans to their partner. That 5 Love Languages book does a fairly good job of dealing with that. It could be that you two are just trying to speak different languages with each other. Otherwise sometimes when we see someone as "needy" it's not that there is anything wrong with them or that anyone is doing anything wrong. It's just that people are unable/unwilling to provide that which the other person needs to feel desired/wanted/loved/needed/appreciated etc. When they're not getting it they whine and moan and behave in an insecure and paranoid manner and we attach the label of 'needy' onto them. If the other persons wants/needs/desires is realistic and the other isn't able/willing to provide them, then that is simply a mismatch in people. But if the other person's wants/needs are unrealistic then it is a personal issue with them.
OpheliaSong Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Not that I have ever seen. Needy people are needy for a reason and the older they get the more disappointed they seem with life. Therefore they get needier. If she is castrating you over minor mistakes, you are learning how to walk on eggshells and that is no way for someone to live. I think I would find someone who is easier to get along with.
mutcer23 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I agree with windybunny...the ex broke up with me about two months ago because of all the unnecessary fights I created due to similar issues like your ex.. he said he still wanted to be there for me and I agreed it would be ok..however 3 weeks after the breakup I just stopped contacting him because I realized that I could not change if I was constantly relying on him. I am now on day 33 of no contact and I have realized that I kept wanting him to make me happy when it is I who can make myself happy and I kept wanting him to protect me from this world where I thought I was victim..I now realize that my thoughts about myself are my own worst enemies. I too will be going to a school counselor for help and honestly that shows a lot about someone wanting to change. so yes needy people can change..its not easy but its possible.
todreaminblue Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Paranoia and neediness are two different things you know, I have paranoia and it is a completely different feeling to needing someone both stem from insecurities but they are completely different..... i have had guys cling to me ...and it isnt fun......i feel guilt which is one thing i should not feel..... if a girl is making you feel not good in the relationship she isnt right for you.....take a break and see what happens......deb
StanMusial Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 In my experience needy people can change, it this change usually doesn't take place until they are alone. And for a while too. I will add that it's usually because they have to, not because they want to. Sort of a sink or swim scenario.
Author shankers Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 She is 100% needy. Like mutcer 23 said starting fights for no random reason. Idk if she like to argue for the sake of arguing or what. I do know that she magnifies the negativity in every situation we have and doesn't focus on the good. She cant stand on her own 2 feet and needs reassurance constantly. She has some paranoia as well. I dont know if anyone has heard of hyper-vigilance but yea she has it. She records every thing she hears and seas and interprets it differently. Sometimes I ask people a story. Its always an exageration from what she interprets and its kind of annoying now. Questions and Answers about Low Self-Esteem (LSE) The first two or three bullet point of her are spot on.
Author shankers Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Good luck with that Mutcer. You can change if you really want to. The world isnt all that scary of a place and I definitely think you can find your pace in being alone.
Author shankers Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 @oldshirt i have tried really hard for a year now but to no avail. I cant keep on constantly reassuring her every time something little happens. In addition I feel like a therapist rather than a boyfriend. SO yes some of her needs are unrealistic.
ArcaneLady Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 What do you perceive as being "needy"? Perception is everything. One person may think something happens "all the time"; the other may see it as never happening. Thing is when you break up with her she will feel more insecure. It'll just reinforce that she is unworthy and need more reassurance (if this is ACTH the issue). An idea may be to go to a counselling session together and let an objective person hear the pair of you together. Going back to the perception thing - you may be blaming her as being needy but how do you know YOU'RE not the one with the problem? Perhaps her behaviour is a reaction to you being cold or letting her do all the emotional work and you not even realise. My ex always sees the faults in others and never himself, and lives his life accordingly. So consequently I totally blamed myself and took all the blame in our marriage. Everything that went wrong he said was my fault. He could be nasty to me, I'd defend myself and I'd somehow be the one who ended up apologise for over reacting!! Time, soul searching and advice let me realise the fault was not all mine. It could be your dynamic that is the issue.
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