I hate dating. Especially the first date.

[LovelyLamb]

I have never once been excited for a first date, no matter how much I like the guy, how I met him, or who asked who. I once hooked up with a guy I met at a club, then went out with him the next day, and it still didn't lessen the anxiety of a first date. I still almost bolted when I saw him again.

 

I think* I have a date tomorrow with my coworker, and even though I've been longing for this day for months, I'm still thinking about cancelling on him just to end this anxiety I'm feeling.

 

I think this is one of the main reasons I've been single for the past year and perfectly fine with it - because I simply hate dating and hate going through the process of going out with different guys. I've never actually cancelled a first date though, I just have thought about doing it each time.

 

How can I get over this anxiety I'm feeling? Or should I just tell my coworker never mind and lessen the load that's on my shoulders?

 

 

 

*I say think because I asked him to the movies and he said yes. He has shown signs that he believes it to be a date (flirting, touching me, allowing coworkers to joke around about us dating, etc.) but we have not officially said it's a date. He may end up telling me that we're just friends tomorrow, so I'm mentally preparing myself for that.

[40 Fonzarelli]

Try to see your feelings as feelings of excitement rather than anxiety. You are probably anxious because you want him to like you. Just be yourself.

[windybunny]

Are you scared because you don't know if the person you're dating will actually work out? Is it the fear of the unknown? How do you act during the date? Just make sure it won't become a self-fulfilling prophecy

[LovelyLamb]

It's more of being scared of what they expect will happen, and how it is different from what I expect to happen I think.

 

I'm not sure if I should offer to pay for my movie ticket since I asked him. I know he has an issue with girls offering to pay when they go out, since to him it's a sign of being friend zoned. Each time we've gone out, he's offered to pay but I've declined, which I know upsets him. But, since I asked him and I'm not 100% sure if it's a date, what do I do?

 

I'm also nervous over if this is the beginning of the end of our friendship if things don't work out. I love having him as a friend, so it'd break my heart if that's the case.

 

But in the past, I generally have acted somewhat nervous and flirty with all the guys. Most of the time they've admitted it was cute, and I've always gotten asked to go on a second date. My coworker and I already know each other pretty well though, so I'm unsure of what we'll talk about, what will happen after the movie, if we should grab food/drink, or whatever. What if he just says "that was nice, I'll see you at work?"

 

I'm trying to be excited, but it's just too hard right now with all these fears.

[NJtoDC]

Maybe you could think through and articulate what causes you anxiety on first dates. I see you began in this thread. I find identifying the anxious thoughts and thinking them through logically and calmly (while not in the moment) can help me to talk myself through my anxieties a little when I am in the heat of the moment. Maybe there are some things you can identify that you can resolve within yourself and decrease that stress.

 

OTOH, I totally get the stress about who pays. I feel that way even after 7 months with my BF.

[jba10582]

The ego is making up roles for you. You try and act in role you perceive the other to expect and he tries to act in a role the he perceives you to act and expect and neither becomes the true authentic self. So in a way, it is really four different people there at the date. Don’t try and resist it too much, but rather be aware of these emotions as they are happening. Your mind is very clever in the ways it creates anxiety and fear from bad situations. On the other end,think of how athletes imagine themselves learning a sports move through visualization. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy as they visualize the positive experience and thoughts over and over.

Edited November 10, 2013 by jba10582

[LovelyLamb]

Thank you all so much for the advice! I think it's an excellent point how there will be four "people" on the date, and I think that that will help lessen the stress. Due to the jokes our lovely coworkers made yesterday about us going to the movies, I'm certain that he's feeling somewhat nervous as well, so thinking that helps me feel a bit better.

 

But I think my anxiety stems from the fact that:

 

1.) I grew up with social anxiety disorder, and the mere thought of ever dating someone would freak me out to the point where I declined all offers I had throughout high school. It wasn't till after high school that I was able to conquer my fear and realize that not all men are bad.

 

2.) I have been hurt several times from guys, and most of the time it was because I gave all of myself, and they only gave a portion of themselves to the relationship. The thought of going through that process again is terrifying.

 

3.) Like I said earlier, I don't know what they expect, but I respect myself to the point where 9/10 times I refuse to sleep with someone until we're exclusive (that 1/10 time was when I hooked up with that guy from the club). Most guys my age like to date/sleep around, and I'm not like that. I know my coworker is an amazing guy, but to think that he may have a slight hope that he'll get lucky tomorrow makes me nervous.

 

But I think I will use the visualizing technique and try to imagine how I'll act, that's great advise

[NJtoDC]

Thank you all so much for the advice! I think it's an excellent point how there will be four "people" on the date, and I think that that will help lessen the stress. Due to the jokes our lovely coworkers made yesterday about us going to the movies, I'm certain that he's feeling somewhat nervous as well, so thinking that helps me feel a bit better.

 

I don't know that I would group date but in your case I can see the benefit. First, because it could ease the pressure and your anxiety. Two, because there is no getting lucky on a group date...lol.

 

But I think my anxiety stems from the fact that:

 

1.) I grew up with social anxiety disorder, and the mere thought of ever dating someone would freak me out to the point where I declined all offers I had throughout high school. It wasn't till after high school that I was able to conquer my fear and realize that not all men are bad.

 

Are you being treated for your anxiety? If not, medication and/or counseling can be helpful.

2.) I have been hurt several times from guys, and most of the time it was because I gave all of myself, and they only gave a portion of themselves to the relationship. The thought of going through that process again is terrifying.

 

Maybe try letting the guy set the pace than. I know how it is to give and give. Us women are nurturers. It's hard not to get sucked in and lose yourself.

 

3.) Like I said earlier, I don't know what they expect, but I respect myself to the point where 9/10 times I refuse to sleep with someone until we're exclusive (that 1/10 time was when I hooked up with that guy from the club). Most guys my age like to date/sleep around, and I'm not like that. I know my coworker is an amazing guy, but to think that he may have a slight hope that he'll get lucky tomorrow makes me nervous.

 

But I think I will use the visualizing technique and try to imagine how I'll act, that's great advise

If you decide ahead of time the best way to deal with the things you are worried about, you won't be stuck in the moment.

 

Why let the possiblity that he hopes to get lucky tonight (most guys would like to get lucky tonight...lol) make you nervous? Set your boundaries. Is it ok for him to cuddle on you? Kiss you? Touch you? Decide now before you are in the heat of the moment. If he pushes a boundary sweetly explain that you like to take things slow.

 

 

[LovelyLamb]

No, I'm not being treated for anxiety and never have been. It only really comes back when I feel put on the spot and am nervous about how to act (such as dating). For the most part, I've overcome it quite well on my own.

 

I think you gave some wonderful advice, especially with suggesting him to set the pace. I generally like to take control, and he's even commented that I like to be the man in our relationship due to this....it's hard letting someone else take control and make the decisions when I've gotten so used to doing it.

 

But I think the thought that he wants to get lucky makes me nervous because I'm so physically attracted to him. That's what I first noticed when I met him months ago, and since getting to know him, my feelings for him have grown to more than just that. If he makes a move, I may give in because I'd want to, and I know I shouldn't yet...I don't want to yet.

[NJtoDC]

 

But I think the thought that he wants to get lucky makes me nervous because I'm so physically attracted to him. That's what I first noticed when I met him months ago, and since getting to know him, my feelings for him have grown to more than just that. If he makes a move, I may give in because I'd want to, and I know I shouldn't yet...I don't want to yet.

 

Ahh, I see. Getting a fuller picture now. So you've know dream guy for a bit now, you already have sexual chemistry building up, this is a first "date" but it's not officially so. You think he wants to make a move, which makes you nervous (isn't that sexual tension fun while it lasts? LOL) especially because you kinda want it to happen too.

 

Have you thought through if you really want it to progress to that right now? You're grown (I assume), know how to use protection, but I wonder if you have more interest in him than just sex. If you want more to develop between you I'd think through whether sleeping together before you are even officially dating to be the best way to get there.

 

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how you make out. Don't panic and cancel!

[ArcaneLady]

When you have anxiety, everything seems 10 times larger and worse than it is. Overthinking is a huge issue for me - and I'm almost 42.

I'd strongly suggest seeking help, whether it be counselling or a short term medication until you can learn to deal with it.

 

It may be helpful to see your anxiety as outside yourself and not part of you, and deal with it separately. Deal with the anxiety as anxiety alone, when I get anxious I tell myself "how bad is this situation really? Is it life threatening? Is the world going to end? Have I been asked to solve the Middle East conflict? No. I will look at this situation as a whole and recognise my anxiety as a separate issue and not allow it to cloud my judgement".

 

It's just a date honey XD

[LovelyLamb]

Ahh, I see. Getting a fuller picture now. So you've know dream guy for a bit now, you already have sexual chemistry building up, this is a first "date" but it's not officially so. You think he wants to make a move, which makes you nervous (isn't that sexual tension fun while it lasts? LOL) especially because you kinda want it to happen too.

 

Have you thought through if you really want it to progress to that right now? You're grown (I assume), know how to use protection, but I wonder if you have more interest in him than just sex. If you want more to develop between you I'd think through whether sleeping together before you are even officially dating to be the best way to get there.

 

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how you make out. Don't panic and cancel!

 

I definitely don't want anything physical to happen just yet. Yes it would be amazing if it did, but I want to date him, not just sleep with him. He's a wonderful guy, great friend, and the thought of being with him just seems right. First guy I've met in a long while that I felt this way about.

 

But! I do feel a lot less anxious about tomorrow, so thank you! I don't foresee myself actually cancelling just yet, and if I don't, then I'll post an update about things for sure.

[NJtoDC]

I definitely don't want anything physical to happen just yet. Yes it would be amazing if it did, but I want to date him, not just sleep with him. He's a wonderful guy, great friend, and the thought of being with him just seems right. First guy I've met in a long while that I felt this way about.

 

But! I do feel a lot less anxious about tomorrow, so thank you! I don't foresee myself actually cancelling just yet, and if I don't, then I'll post an update about things for sure.

 

I'm glad you are holding off on sex. The tension is awesome and maddening but I think it usually is for the best, to lay a foundation and establish a relationship.

 

I'm glad you feel a lot less anxious now! Do you think the lack of clarity of "is it or isn't it a date" is driving you nuts? If I already knew and had the hots for a guy, and was sure he felt the same, I would be a ball of nerves too- butterflies, nauseous, tingly, all warm and fidgety. I hope you guys can move this to the next step tomorrow!

[Kate9292]

I have never once been excited for a first date, no matter how much I like the guy, how I met him, or who asked who. I once hooked up with a guy I met at a club, then went out with him the next day, and it still didn't lessen the anxiety of a first date. I still almost bolted when I saw him again.

 

I think* I have a date tomorrow with my coworker, and even though I've been longing for this day for months, I'm still thinking about cancelling on him just to end this anxiety I'm feeling.

 

I think this is one of the main reasons I've been single for the past year and perfectly fine with it - because I simply hate dating and hate going through the process of going out with different guys. I've never actually cancelled a first date though, I just have thought about doing it each time.

 

How can I get over this anxiety I'm feeling? Or should I just tell my coworker never mind and lessen the load that's on my shoulders?

 

 

 

*I say think because I asked him to the movies and he said yes. He has shown signs that he believes it to be a date (flirting, touching me, allowing coworkers to joke around about us dating, etc.) but we have not officially said it's a date. He may end up telling me that we're just friends tomorrow, so I'm mentally preparing myself for that.

 

I know, right?

 

I had exact same feeling on a few first dates. I ended up cancelling on all of them. Maybe some of them would go well and we would be together, but I'm in LTR now anyway, so it doesn't matter.

 

I tell myself that if they were right for me, I wouldn't have this kind of anxiety. And it must be true, I didn't have it with my current bf. Our meetings felt much more natural from the beginning.

[LovelyLamb]

So...I had to stop by my job before meeting up with my friend and before going out with him tonight, and he was there. Since I was going to go from being there to the movies, I was already in my "date outfit" and looking pretty cute I must say. I asked him before I left what time worked for him tonight and he said tonight wasn't good after all due to school stuff he had to get done, and said that he knew I thought he was lying, but asked if Thursday worked instead or if I was working a double.

 

Me: Yeah, I think you're lying, but no I'm off Thursday so that'll work.

Him: Okay, so we're going to the movies together Thursday, right?

Me: Yup! See ya then.

 

Although i believe him 100% I'm not too happy, but I guess it works out in the end for both of us. I get to study some more, and he gets to get his stuff done, so I can't complain. Plus, it gives me another opportunity to get dressed up and not be as anxious.

[petitefleur]

Good luck! I relate to your anxiety. I get so anxious I make myself sick, literally. It's ridiculous

[Phantom888]

When I was dating regularly, I LOVED 1st dates! It's so exciting to meet new women. And if there is chemistry, there will be a full evening of making out and flirting. So much fun! As a rule, I never sleep with the woman on the 1st date, but I'm sure a lot of them want to. It just builds more anticipation. They usually get really sexually charged by the 2nd date, and wants to come over to my place. Then I decide if I want to keep seeing her BEFORE anything happens. This is exciting stuff!

[LovelyLamb]

Good luck! I relate to your anxiety. I get so anxious I make myself sick, literally. It's ridiculous

 

Thank you! I have definitely made myself that nervous too. I'm much more calm now, but hopefully the nerves don't come back between now and Thursday..

[LovelyLamb]

When I was dating regularly, I LOVED 1st dates! It's so exciting to meet new women. And if there is chemistry, there will be a full evening of making out and flirting. So much fun! As a rule, I never sleep with the woman on the 1st date, but I'm sure a lot of them want to. It just builds more anticipation. They usually get really sexually charged by the 2nd date, and wants to come over to my place. Then I decide if I want to keep seeing her BEFORE anything happens. This is exciting stuff!

 

I'm very jealous of your ability to enjoy first dates so much. I don't think I've met anyone who has loved them so much I honestly do enjoy them, but the wonder of what will happen before it actually happens is what gets me the most.