What does "feel the pain" actually mean?

[mendsley]

You always hear everyone say "make sure you FEEL the pain and not go around it." But, what does that exactly mean? Sounds simple enough, but at the same time it's confusing. For example; if I lay in bed and think about my ex I'm feeling a ton of pain, but people always say to not do that. But, if I get out of bed and go do something I still feel pain but not as much. Does that mean going out is preventing me from feeling the pain?

 

I only used going out as an example, but it can relate to finding new hobbies, engulfing yourself in your work, taking vacations and what ever else people say one should do while going through a break-up. It just seems like keeping your mind off things is not feeling the pain in it's full effect.

 

One last thing, people say only date when you're over your ex. Makes sense because you don't want to bring emotional baggage to the new relationship, but to me, getting into another relationship is almost the same as keeping busy. When you meet someone new the pain is still there, but now you're occupied with someone new so you are not feeling the pain like you would if you were alone.

 

Give me your feedback, and explain it in a way a six year old could understand.

Edited November 10, 2013 by mendsley
Spelling

[movingbackwards]

Staying busy and being in a rebound relationship aren't the same thing. Yes you are helping mask your feelings but one is involving another human. The reason it's not good to date after you've broken up is because you are not emotionally ready and while it may initially feel good, those residual feelings will start to affect your new relationship up because you never truly "felt the pain" Feeling pain IS good and it is needed to help you heal. Even feeling the pain while laying in bed is good for you early on. It helps you rationalize your feelings and exhaust the thoughts, but doing it too much isn't good. You need to get out and stay busy not only to redirect your focus but also to improve your life, meet new people, find new things you enjoy, personal accomplishments ect, because those are the things that are going to help you move on. Mainly you need to let it just be a natural process and not worry about how much pain you should be feeling. Just know that it will go away eventually and you can start living your life again.

[Grumpybutfun]

mendsley:

The end of relationships are painful. You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened…or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. The more time you spend wallowing in the pain and the what could have been, the less time you get to spend on finding the things in life that make you happy. Moving through the pain is different than wallowing in the pain. Feel what you feel, then understand that this pain does not define you.

Best,

Grumps

[strive]

You always hear everyone say "make sure you FEEL the pain and not go around it." But, what does that exactly mean? Sounds simple enough, but at the same time it's confusing. For example; if I lay in bed and think about my ex I'm feeling a ton of pain, but people always say to not do that. But, if I get out of bed and go do something I still feel pain but not as much. Does that mean going out is preventing me from feeling the pain?

 

For me, because I've been so bent on moving on and making progress, I just forget to actually feel hurt. I get too focused on the 'someday' that the pain gets ignored and buried. It isn't healthy because it'll eventually come back in the worst way and twice fold. So now I try to cry whenever there is a need: a sad memory, breaking NC, accidentally learning about what he's doing from well meaning friends. I cry to 'mourn' these hurts so that I never have to think of them again.

 

Now lying in bed thinking about your ex all day, I think that's wallowing. You're allowing yourself to swim in the pain. You have to go out so not to feel the pain constantly, and go back in every once in a while to feel it, mourn it and eventually let it go.

 

 

One last thing, people say only date when you're over your ex. Makes sense because you don't want to bring emotional baggage to the new relationship, but to me, getting into another relationship is almost the same as keeping busy. When you meet someone new the pain is still there, but now you're occupied with someone new so you are not feeling the pain like you would if you were alone.

 

I think this is different for everyone and their views of dating. For me, go ahead and flirt with people, date casually, or sleep around. It'll help you move on. But always tell the other party that you're not interested in a real longterm relationship. Going into a relationship while still hung up on your ex, well that's what a rebound is and it's not healthy for everyone involved.

[Lizrd3000]

Listen to:

 

Rascal Flatts - let it hurt

 

And you'll understand!

[radiodarcy]

Feel the pain pretty much means don't try to numb yourself to the negative feelings that we all go through when coping with a break up.

 

Excessive drinking, eating, partying and promiscuity would be examples of how people avoid (or at the very least numb) the pain rather than simply just sitting with it and allow themselves to feel the hurt, disappointment, anger, and sadness that come with losing someone you love.

 

I know when I allow myself to feel the pain, I literally feel it in my gut. It's akin to being punched in a stomach by a prize fighter (not that I would ever want to know what *that* actually feels like ) and I literally have to sit down and allow it to run its course.

 

Of course there is a fine line between feeling the pain and dwelling on it. So when I find that I am thinking about the break up to the point where it's consuming all my time; that's when I take a break and find something else to do. Whether it's unloading the dishwasher or running an errand.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I didn't "feel the pain". Instead I blocked it out of my mind and never dealt with it. 20 years later I'm dealing with it. It's been an interference in my day to day activities but I'm hoping I can put it to rest now.

 

I think it may have been better if I didn't run from the pain in the first place.

[Mario79]

I can tell you how I really feel my pain. Listening to a song that really makes me think about her and looking at old pictures, and your attention is completely based on that, it will move you to your core and it will hurt like hell. But that can be different from person to person.

 

The emotional baggage stuff, I would say thats hard to do, there is always baggage, if your feelings from the previous relationship are still there. If when you look at this new person you are not looking for your ex and you are happy then that baggage is not a big deal then.

[PennGuy]

I was guilty of telling myself and my friends that I was fine a week after the breakup. I said I had "me" back and I can be myself again and laughed and carried on like I didn't care at all. I even posted a thread here about it. I, like many have done before, was circumventing the hurt that I knew I felt, but lied to myself to make it go away.

 

I never wallowed or laid in bed all day during the pain process, but I cried when I needed to. Some nights after work, I cried hard. And I mean just sobbed. I couldn't even be around family Chirstmas night because that holidat without her was hollow and meaningless. I had to come to terms with what happened and my part in the happening. I had to reflect on who I was in that relationship and how I helped destroy it. I would never be a better person or be a better partner to someone else if I just buried it all, put a smile on my face, and carried on like I was no worse for the wear.

 

So feeling the pain doesn't necessarily mean laying in a dark room, drunk, and listening to Cure for a week straight. That's not healthy. Feeling the pain is letting yourself mourn, reflect, grow and heal.

 

I'm a better person from the breakup. I'm so much of a better person for my new girlfriend. She is so much better for me. She's not a huge sports nut, but lets me watch my football and "cars" on Sundays when we don't have plans. She said she would watch paint dry as long as it was time with me.

 

The weird part is that all this change is thanks to getting my heart broken two. I'm still the same guy deep down. I'm not totally different...maybe I did't change much at all? Maybe it's just getting older? All I know is I'm not the same man I was before.

 

But I digress.

 

Feel the pain. Experience the negative side of life along with the the many positives.

[mea_M]

My view of feel the pain is fairly simple. Work the steps. Acknowledge it, get angry at it, cry over it, understand it. And finally accept it. Acceptance is key to letting go. I use to look at the things that have gone wrong in my life in a negative way. Now I look back and see what I learned. My best to you.

 

Mea