Fran Posted March 16, 1999 Posted March 16, 1999 I have been dating a man for 9 months now, and something tells me he might be gay. First off all, he is not very affectionate with me and claims that he is just not a "physically agressive male." Secondly, he can't ever sustain an erection right before we decide to make love, and because of this, we have only made love once in 9 months together. When I asked why he couldn't keep his erection, he claimed that he was angry at me for some previous arguments we had together, and says that he can't get excited when he feels angry inside, and therefore can't have sex. I have aksed him if he was gay, and he became extremely angry and denied it. One time in particular when I asked him, he didn't call me for two weeks. Lastly, he also mentioned he was approached by a gay male in a public place, too make a long story short, my boyfriend gave the man his business card. I care a lot for this man, but I am questioning his sexual orientation a lot! What do you think, and what can I do about my situation, I am incredibly frustrated and confused!! I need advice please!
Thiamine Posted March 16, 1999 Posted March 16, 1999 I have been dating a man for 9 months now, and something tells me he might be gay. First off all, he is not very affectionate with me and claims that he is just not a "physically agressive male." Secondly, he can't ever sustain an erection right before we decide to make love, and because of this, we have only made love once in 9 months together. When I asked why he couldn't keep his erection, he claimed that he was angry at me for some previous arguments we had together, and says that he can't get excited when he feels angry inside, and therefore can't have sex. I have aksed him if he was gay, and he became extremely angry and denied it. One time in particular when I asked him, he didn't call me for two weeks. Lastly, he also mentioned he was approached by a gay male in a public place, too make a long story short, my boyfriend gave the man his business card. I care a lot for this man, but I am questioning his sexual orientation a lot! What do you think, and what can I do about my situation, I am incredibly frustrated and confused!! I need advice please! I would be frustrated too! But don't ask him straight out if he's gay...how would you feel if he came up to you and asked the same thing? Kinda piss you off too wouldn't it? Also, just because he gave a gay guy his business card doesn't mean anything really..I have bi/lesbian friends who talk to me, and that doesn't mean they like me "in that way". I think you should have a talk with him; express your feelings and if he still denies being gay, start thinking about other things...like other aspects of the relationship that could be causing him to act like this. If all else fails and he won't open up, dump him. Good luck! Love, Thiamine
kiey Posted March 16, 1999 Posted March 16, 1999 Maybe your boyfriend thinks a relationship is more than just sex. He may also be attracted to you , but possibly not physically. I had the same problem with my boyfriend for a while, but he's a very aggressive male and I thought he was cheating, when he was really under a lot of stress. Just give him some time. If he hasn't jumped your bones after a couple of more months, get rid of him. Sex isn't everything, but it sure makes things interesting/exciting. I have been dating a man for 9 months now, and something tells me he might be gay. First off all, he is not very affectionate with me and claims that he is just not a "physically agressive male." Secondly, he can't ever sustain an erection right before we decide to make love, and because of this, we have only made love once in 9 months together. When I asked why he couldn't keep his erection, he claimed that he was angry at me for some previous arguments we had together, and says that he can't get excited when he feels angry inside, and therefore can't have sex. I have aksed him if he was gay, and he became extremely angry and denied it. One time in particular when I asked him, he didn't call me for two weeks. Lastly, he also mentioned he was approached by a gay male in a public place, too make a long story short, my boyfriend gave the man his business card. I care a lot for this man, but I am questioning his sexual orientation a lot! What do you think, and what can I do about my situation, I am incredibly frustrated and confused!! I need advice please!
LoveAngel Posted March 16, 1999 Posted March 16, 1999 I would be frustrated too! But don't ask him straight out if he's gay...how would you feel if he came up to you and asked the same thing? Kinda piss you off too wouldn't it? Also, just because he gave a gay guy his business card doesn't mean anything really..I have bi/lesbian friends who talk to me, and that doesn't mean they like me "in that way". I think you should have a talk with him; express your feelings and if he still denies being gay, start thinking about other things...like other aspects of the relationship that could be causing him to act like this. If all else fails and he won't open up, dump him. Good luck! I agree completely. It sounds more like he's experiencing a lot of stress instead of uncertainty about his sexuality. "Gay" is a buzz word of the 90's and people are quick to think anyone who acts in a manner not normally associated with their gender must be homosexual. He's told you already that he's not gay. While the "Dawson's Creeks" and "Jerry Springers" of our day paint a different picture, there are usually more rational, simpler explanations to things other than something as radical and frankly, rediculous as sexual deviancy. There isn't this secretive underworld of homosexual business card trading that you may think there is, nor is his inability to maintain an erection any sign of homosexuality. If he's having problems in that area, they're most likely a result of excessive stress, but could be medical in nature as well -- consult a physician. Yeah, I'd be really pissed if someone asked me if I was gay, for a number of reasons. Mainly I myself believe that people are a lot more deeper and complex than sexually driven animals out for gratification. Turn off the TV and look a bit deeper at your relationship. Be more accepting of others. By you questioning his very sexuality, you're pushing him away. Step back, and place yourself in his shoes and just think what you'd do if someone asked you that? Personally, I think you should be thankful he didn't walk out on you on the spot. I'd take that to mean he cares about you a lot. Best wishes, LoveAngel
Dennis Posted March 26, 1999 Posted March 26, 1999 Dear LoveAngel, I think that your answer is totally wrong! How can you tell someone who is having these kind of problems that her judgement is totally wrong? Her perception of the situation is much better than anyone elses. Instead of making her feel uncertain about her own judgement it would be better to give her the advice to open the communication about this problem with her partner. No-one of us can give her the real anwers she needs. Besides this all there is a very good possibility that her friend is gay. And there is nothing bad about it. Some people are very afraid of the reaction of people in their environment about their sexuality. Because of that they adjust their life-style enormously. Being gay isn´t a thing of the nineties! It´s just that in present times being gay is accepted much better than in the past. Gay is not a buzz word from this time. It is the attitude of people like you who make it still difficult for other people to be openly happy with their sexuality. Dennis
LoveAngel Posted March 26, 1999 Posted March 26, 1999 Dennis, Dear LoveAngel, I think that your answer is totally wrong! You're welcome to your own opinions! That's the purpose of this forum. How can you tell someone who is having these kind of problems that her judgement is totally wrong? Her perception of the situation is much better than anyone elses. Instead of making her feel uncertain about her own judgement it would be better to give her the advice to open the communication about this problem with her partner. No-one of us can give her the real anwers she needs. My opinions of the conclusions she drew stem only from the information she provided. Fran stated that she believed her boyfriend to be homosexual for a number of reasons which she stated, including: his claims of being "not physically aggressive," cannot sustain an erection, and that he accepted a business card of a gay man in public. Now if you think that that is sufficient evidence to say that a man who you love for nine months and who has been in a relationship with you for that amount of time is lying to you about his sexuality, then that raises some concerns for me. Communication is not the issue here: She's directly confronted him multiple times regarding his sexuality. We don't make the claim of "giving answers" here. We provide a forum for discussion, nothing more. In case you missed it, our disclaimer can be viewed here. Besides this all there is a very good possibility that her friend is gay. And there is nothing bad about it. Some people are very afraid of the reaction of people in their environment about their sexuality. Because of that they adjust their life-style enormously. Yes, the possibility exists that he's questioning his sexuality. The possibility also exists that he's a Russian spy. However we're not going to call the CIA "just in case." She's got one thing to go on in this relationship and that's his honesty with her. If she can't trust him, then the question no longer becomes one of sexuality, but rather one of trust. Your personal experiences with your sexuality have caused you to form your own opinions, and that's fine. But pushing their validity on others isn't the way to be heard. If he's having issues with his sexuality, then by all means he's more than welcome to post here, or better yet and probably more appropriately, seek the assistance of a professional counselor. Being gay isn´t a thing of the nineties! It´s just that in present times being gay is accepted much better than in the past. Gay is not a buzz word from this time. It is the attitude of people like you who make it still difficult for other people to be openly happy with their sexuality. I'm sorry to hear you say that. And I'm sorry to tell you I feel that you're wrong. Yes, homosexuality is more accepted today than it has been in the past. But along with awareness comes laziness. The fact that it has been brought to such a spotlight increases the awareness of the condition and makes it yet another definition to place upon oneself. And yes, I do call it a condition. I won't be a victim to the pollitical correctness of the day. It is devient behavior from the biologically appropriate sexual functions we as animals have to reproduce. Causes, beliefs, and genetics aren't what we're questioning here. You, of all people, should know that we all come in different colors of the rainbow. We all lie on different spots of the human spectrum, even in terms of sexuality. However, these arguments should not be used to support a paranoid idea that a close one is "gay." "Gay" is a buzzword of the 90s. As as many as 10% of the population is persecuted for their homosexuality, even more are forced to face the questions of society when they step outside the boundaries of their gender roles. It's easier to label a man who enjoys traditionally "feminine" activities or to label a woman who partakes in "male" activities as "homosexual" than it is to come to terms with accepting a blatant departure from the socially accepted roles of the day. It is the attitude of people like you that prevent us from walking together as one. You, like Fran, have turned an issue of simple trust into a parade of support for a man who has openly denied being homosexual to "come out of the closet" and "be happy with who he is." Being happy with who you are does not involve labeling and grouping yourself in society. It only furthers you from your goal. If he's happy with who he is, and she's not, then she's the one that needs to move on. You don't change others. You change yourself. Dennis Best wishes, LoveAngel
Thiamine Posted March 30, 1999 Posted March 30, 1999 Dear LoveAngel, I think that your answer is totally wrong! How can you tell someone who is having these kind of problems that her judgement is totally wrong? Her perception of the situation is much better than anyone elses. Instead of making her feel uncertain about her own judgement it would be better to give her the advice to open the communication about this problem with her partner. No-one of us can give her the real anwers she needs. Besides this all there is a very good possibility that her friend is gay. And there is nothing bad about it. Some people are very afraid of the reaction of people in their environment about their sexuality. Because of that they adjust their life-style enormously. Being gay isn´t a thing of the nineties! It´s just that in present times being gay is accepted much better than in the past. Gay is not a buzz word from this time. It is the attitude of people like you who make it still difficult for other people to be openly happy with their sexuality. Dennis Dennis- We went off on the information we had; which sounded as though the woman in the relationship could not trust the guy, because she thinks he is gay. I personally have absolutely no problem with gay/lesbians, I'm just saying she shouldn't push him away by not trusting him and make accusations. It would break up any relationship. Love, Thiamine
Fran Posted March 31, 1999 Posted March 31, 1999 Hey guys and girls, Thanks for all your advice and support. Unfortunatley, this man has ended our relationship and no longer wants even to be friends. I guess asking him these questions only drove him away or just hit too close to home. Either way, I have lost him. I tried all I could, but nothing worked. He's totally indifferent to me now, and claims he never had any feelings for me from the beginning. Ouch. Who knows what his problem was or is...but its over. Thanks again. Talk to you all when the next man comes along, hopefully I wont have to be asking for advice. I have been dating a man for 9 months now, and something tells me he might be gay. First off all, he is not very affectionate with me and claims that he is just not a "physically agressive male." Secondly, he can't ever sustain an erection right before we decide to make love, and because of this, we have only made love once in 9 months together. When I asked why he couldn't keep his erection, he claimed that he was angry at me for some previous arguments we had together, and says that he can't get excited when he feels angry inside, and therefore can't have sex. I have aksed him if he was gay, and he became extremely angry and denied it. One time in particular when I asked him, he didn't call me for two weeks. Lastly, he also mentioned he was approached by a gay male in a public place, too make a long story short, my boyfriend gave the man his business card. I care a lot for this man, but I am questioning his sexual orientation a lot! What do you think, and what can I do about my situation, I am incredibly frustrated and confused!! I need advice please!
Clueless Posted April 4, 1999 Posted April 4, 1999 Fran, I have been in this exact same situation! I dated a guy for about 6 months and we had become very close. I never understood why we weren't more involved sexually though, I would often try to initiate sex with him and he would turn me down because he as "too tired" or had to "get up early." I never came right out and asked him if he was gay, and to be honest with you I never could have, that's just not my style. My advice to you is to sit down with him and have a nice long talk, find out what things he may be angry at you for from the past and try to work these feelings out. If he is holding in feelings of anger then it's very possible it could be affecting your whole relationship. Relationships need to be based on good communication and honesty, also they need to be free of accusations because accusations (like being gay) will just put his defenses up even more against you. In case you were wondering how my situation turned out, I ended up breaking up with my ex, not because I thought he was gay, but because there was an obvious lack of interest on his part. My ex and I are now the very best of friends, we talk on the pone for hours, go to the movies together (We even check out guys together!) My ex confided in me a month after we broke up that he was gay, he had never told anyone else before and said my supportiveness made it easy for him to share his secret with me. He knew I loved him no matter what, and he was right! Always, Clueless
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