Stillscared Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 As the BS, I'm struggling with the fact that my H's family have been so ugly to me throughout the past several weeks. (D-day was about 6 weeks ago). My husband and I reconciled on D-Day; he went NC. We're working on our marriage. He quit his job where she worked, and sold his car (they had used it during the 1 year affair for meeting, kissing, out of town trips). But his family has offered little to no support for our marriage or R (they text and support him, tell him they love him and verbally trash me behind my back - as if the affair were my fault!) My MIL even allowed the OW to come into her house (crying) and listened to her for 30 minutes. The same MIL wouldn't even return my phone call... His mom and sister haven't once called to offer support to me. I'm devasted by the affair (duh.) But I'm dumbfounded by the indifference and mean-spiritedness of his mom and siblings. I know they love their son/brother, but I now feel that they're enemies of our marriage. How could they be so cold to me when I'm the one who's been betrayed? Has anyone run into this? I'm not sure how to move past it.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 How did they treat you before this? Were they very friendly, warm and loving, as if you were their new daughter, or did they always keep you at arms-length, as if you were just an acquaintance of their son who might someday be gone? I am assuming the latter. The marriage is between you and your husband. When you got married, you made each other the most important people in each other's lives. The problem you have now is not with your husband's family, but with your husband. What you are describing is not all that uncommon, even when there has been no infidelity. You are the not the first recent spouse to have the in-laws bad-mouthing or sniping at. What is needed is for your coward of a husband to STICK UP FOR YOU TO HIS FAMILY and adamantly tell them in no uncertain terms that either they can support you and be nice to you and STOP TALKING SMACK ABOUT YOU or he will have nothing to do with them. He can tell them that HE CHOOSES TO BE MARRIED TO YOU, and that if they can't be supportive of that, they should just keep their big traps shut. 7
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I can't say that I experienced what you experienced. My in-laws (or outlaws) at least had the courtesy to lie to my face, while talking bad behind my back. I'm not sure it was any better that way. The real solution to your problem is your husband. Most of what they know about you they hear from him and what do they hear? Through this whole process, he is the one that has been trashing you and making you look bad. Naturally, they believe their son/brother. Since then you two have reconciled, but he has not reconciled you with them. You need to have a serious conversation with the family and figure out a way forward and he has to take the lead on this. ASSUMING you had a good relationship before and now it is bad, he is the key person to fixing this problem. 2
harrybrown Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Have your H get over there and set his mother straight. How would she feel if her husband had an affair? and how would she feel if everyone supported the OW? Did she teach him morals? Have your H fix this now. The entire family should be NC with the OW. There is a website called she is a homewrecker. Post her on that site. Has your H been tested for stds? I hope you and your H are in MC so that he can learn somewhat of the pain and hurt that he gave to you.
bubbaganoosh Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) When my first wife and I divorced, her family turned against me in a big time way. My EX wife had a nasty temper and bad mouthed me and these people should have known that they were hearing her version only and to them it was good enough. Some of the family were more hostile than others but none the less, I was always good to them and helped them out on many occasions. Sad part about it was my in laws had enough skeletons in their closet to start their own haunted house and I could have hurled it back at them with what I knew but I also knew that two wrongs don't make a right and it would only get worse, so I let it go even though it hurt to here the crap they were saying. As it always is, the truth came out and I wasn't the rat in the wood pile like they made me out to be and on Christmas day way back in the mid 80's, I had to go over and pick up my daughter. My MIL was nice and when I came in she asked me to sit down and wished me a merry Christmas along with the rest of the family and she said " We were just talking about you" and the door was left WIDE OPEN with that statement and I looked at her with a smile and said "Yeah, I'll bet you were" and you could here a pin drop in the room. There wasn't a soul in that room that could look me in the eye and I found out then and there that you could get revenge without saying anything. They knew they were wrong and they now had to live with it. To this day these people have been really nice to me and have invited me to some of their family functions. Maybe it will happen for you too once they pull their collective heads out of their ass's. Good luck. Edited November 10, 2013 by bubbaganoosh
jnel921 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Sounds like your H's family probably knew what he was doing and brought this woman around and they were ok with this. How did you find out? Why after a year did he choose you? Was it because he really wanted to or was it because he got caught? You have to consider the relationship you had with his family prior to all of this. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 As the BS, I'm struggling with the fact that my H's family have been so ugly to me throughout the past several weeks. (D-day was about 6 weeks ago). My husband and I reconciled on D-Day; he went NC. We're working on our marriage. He quit his job where she worked, and sold his car (they had used it during the 1 year affair for meeting, kissing, out of town trips). But his family has offered little to no support for our marriage or R (they text and support him, tell him they love him and verbally trash me behind my back - as if the affair were my fault!) My MIL even allowed the OW to come into her house (crying) and listened to her for 30 minutes. The same MIL wouldn't even return my phone call... His mom and sister haven't once called to offer support to me. I'm devasted by the affair (duh.) But I'm dumbfounded by the indifference and mean-spiritedness of his mom and siblings. I know they love their son/brother, but I now feel that they're enemies of our marriage. How could they be so cold to me when I'm the one who's been betrayed? Has anyone run into this? I'm not sure how to move past it. Because WS have a way to amplify the little problems in their marriage when talking to friends and family. They do this to justify their lying and cheating. To pacify their own guilt and feel justified and supported. Blood is thicker than water and they finally believed that he was just your victim. That he wouldn't have gone WW if it weren't for your abuse. He will have to come clean with them and be honest about his fault in all of this, but that takes a back seat to your marriage issues, counceling and your R at the momnet. His family will have to wait. 2
crederer Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I'd be asking your husband where they're getting their ideas from (hint, probably from him). He probably gave them a sob story about how terrible of a wife you are and that's why he had the affair. I could be wrong but it's common for this type of blame shifting to happen in order for the WS to feel less guilt. 1
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