Non-exclusive dating

[missmiss123]

I met a guy last week, went out with him on about 4-5 dates, slept with him on 3rd, told him I'm serious and he said he is looking for something serious as well but then he dropped these bombs into our conversations across the dates:

 

What do you think of a guy who says:

 

'I want to keep me options open for as long as possible'

' I want to meet new people'

'would it bother you if I slept with someone else purely for physical needs (i.e. met at a night club) but nothing emotional' I said yes so he said 'then don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to'

 

I'm not comfortable with the fact that he is keeping his options open

[missmiss123]

I'm going to talk to him tonight telling him I'm not comfortable with what he said and that I see this going somewhere.... I have no idea how this will turn out or how to phrase the question/statement.. In fact, it might even seem a little crazy since I've only known him for a week.

 

Anyone think I should go ahead with my plan?

[Conners]

I'm going to talk to him tonight telling him I'm not comfortable with what he said and that I see this going somewhere.... I have no idea how this will turn out or how to phrase the question/statement.. In fact, it might even seem a little crazy since I've only known him for a week.

 

Anyone think I should go ahead with my plan?

 

Please do not, you've known him for a week.. you will defintley come across as clingy from a guys point of view. You are basically asking to be exclusive with him when you hardly know him, guys love the chase and i'm sorry to say that you had sex with him wayy too soon. I'm not saying it's not going to work out but I doubt it will.

 

The best thing you can do right now is walk away from this guy, he's obviously not that into you if he wants to keep his options open. If you REALLY like him, the best chance would be to distant yourself completely and hope he comes to you.. no one likes a clinger sorry

[Mascara]

Don't sleep with someone until you both agree you're not seeing anyone else.

 

If he wants to keep his options open, that's fine - but you only sleep with people who aren't dipping their wick into anyone else.

 

Therefore, he can still date you, but he can't sleep with you.

 

Mind you, you've already slept with him, so I'm not sure how you take that back without looking like it's all gameplaying.

[StanMusial]

I'm going to talk to him tonight telling him I'm not comfortable with what he said and that I see this going somewhere.... I have no idea how this will turn out or how to phrase the question/statement.. In fact, it might even seem a little crazy since I've only known him for a week.

 

Anyone think I should go ahead with my plan?

 

You've known him for one week, had 4 or 5 dates, slept with him, he has already told you more than once he plans to date around and even have casual sex with others. And you "see this going somewhere". Where, exactly?

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to talk to him tonight telling him I'm not comfortable with what he said and that I see this going somewhere.... I have no idea how this will turn out or how to phrase the question/statement.. In fact, it might even seem a little crazy since I've only known him for a week.

 

Anyone think I should go ahead with my plan?

 

I'd have this conversation. Actually I never would have slept with him before having this conversation & confirming that we were exclusive but that ship sailed.

 

As another poster pointed out, he's probably not going to be happy with your position. So you need to be prepared to stick to your guns & walk away if he isn't prepared to give you exclusivity. (After 1 week & based on his prior statements I doubt you are going to get the relationship you want). It's OK to want it. It's OK to break it off with him if you aren't getting it.

 

What's not OK is to say you want this, then stick around & continue to sleep with him while he's doing God knows what with God knows who. If you allow that to happen you have no pride, you're a doormat & you are going to end up miserable

[veggirl]

Nooo don't tell him "I see this going somewhere" because obviously HE DOESN'T.

 

NO guy would risk f*cking it up with a girl he likes with those idiotic statements. He doesn't care if he f*cks it up though cause he's just not that into you.

 

If you are very into commitment/exclusivity then you should probably not be sleeping with guys on a 3rd date. It's been ONE WEEK and you are trying to lock him down, that's too soon...on the other hand, if he was into you he wouldn't be talking about hooking up with other girls.

 

I think you moved way too fast and now it's time to move on and forget him. This guy is never going to be your boyfriend.

[oldshirt]

He has been upfront and honest with you. He has told you what his intentions are and where he stands.

 

You have the right to tell him what your intentions are and where you stand.

 

If the two do not match up then you simply aren't a match. ......you aren't a match even though he is handsome, even though he is pleasant, even though he is sexy....

 

 

Dating simply an interview and tryout process to find the right match for you. This is no different than interviewing someone for the day shift and having them tell you that they have other things going on during the day and that they can only work the night shift.

 

You need to be honest with yourself on what you want and what you are willing to settle for and what you are not willing to settle for.

 

If you must have an exclusive relationship in order for you to be in the game, then this guy simply is not it. He is just simply not a contender or a viable candidate for that position. That doesn't mean that he is a bad guy or that there is any wrong doing on either of your parts here. You are just looking for different things and wanting to do different things with your time.

[oldshirt]

What do you think of a guy who says:

 

'I want to keep me options open for as long as possible'

' I want to meet new people'

 

 

 

I think it is a guy who is being open, honest and upfront about not wanting any kind of exclusive, serious relationship with you at this time and that he wants you to be aware of where he stands on the issue and where you stand with him.

 

This is all fair and on the up and up on his part. It is his right and he has been honest about it so it is all fair.

[NJtoDC]

You've known him for one week, had 4 or 5 dates, slept with him, he has already told you more than once he plans to date around and even have casual sex with others. And you "see this going somewhere". Where, exactly?

 

To the STD clinic I imagine...

[oldshirt]

'would it bother you if I slept with someone else purely for physical needs (i.e. met at a night club) but nothing emotional' I said yes so he said 'then don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to'

 

 

That is him declaring himself that if he has an opportunity to bounce on top of some other gal that he is going to do it whether you give your stamp of approval or not.

 

At this point he has declared this relationship as 'anything goes' and you will not have any claim to point fingers, or to blame, or to judge, or to cry 'foul' if he meets, dates and sleeps with other women.

 

and to be fair, you have the same right as well. He has the right to do whatever he wants but so do you. At this point you don't have the right to tell him not to see other people nor to judge him or accuse him of any wrong doing.

 

Nor does he have the right to try to restrict any of your dating or sexual activities. You two are two completely noncomitted people who are free to do whatever you want.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm not comfortable with the fact that he is keeping his options open

 

If you want comfort, then you are going to have to move on and find someone else that is willing to date you exclusively. he isn't.

 

It's as simple as that.

 

Two options here -

 

#1 Seek comfort, which means that you will have to walk away and find someone else that is willing to date you exclusively to provide that comfort.

 

#2. continue seeing him and live with the discomfort that causes.

[oldshirt]

I'm going to talk to him tonight telling him I'm not comfortable with what he said and that I see this going somewhere.... I have no idea how this will turn out or how to phrase the question/statement.. In fact, it might even seem a little crazy since I've only known him for a week.

 

Anyone think I should go ahead with my plan?

 

What is your purpose with this discussion???

 

If it is to state your position so he is aware of where you are coming and knows where you stand on the issue so he will be making an informed decision then go ahead.

 

However if your reason for doing this is to try to change his mind or to try to get him to change his behaviors to get him to do what you want, it will likely end badly and you will appear clingy, manipulative and perhaps even crazy.

[oldshirt]

This all boils down this -

 

You can't change his mind, his feelings or his behaviors. You can't control him or his actions. You can only control yourself.

 

You can either -

 

A. accept being a date/(or a bang) of opportunity and accept that he going to be seeking out, dating and banging other girls and you two can basically be FWBs or each other's booty call.

 

or

 

B. calling this a near-miss and moving on.

 

 

Those are really your only effective choices. Any attempts at manipulation or changing him or controlling him will go down in flames.

[LovelyLamb]

I agree with everyone else on here that there's little you can or should say that can change his mind at this point. I think it could mean that he is enjoying his single life so much, or might be dating someone else right now (or a few others) and doesn't want you to be surprised if you find out. But, I've slept with someone so early on before so I can't judge you. Thankfully it worked out for me in the end and we stayed together for a while, so hopefully this does for you too.

 

One way though that you can get back a sense of control in the situation, is if you tell him that you regret sleeping with him so soon (if you do), since i'ts not your typical dating before. Ask him how he feels with taking a step back and just try getting to know each other some more, and seeing each other less frequently, say 2-3 times a week, and eliminating the sex part of the relationship till you are both on the same page when it comes to the level of seriousness. This will help you figure out exactly where he stands when it comes to you, as well as putting you on more of a dating route where he can learn to respect you again. But, if he cares as little as he implied he did with his comments, then he may not take the bait.

[NJtoDC]

OP- I have read through your post history. There is a theme there of setting your standards very low, putting up with being treated poorly, and clinging to guys (who are no good).

 

It seems to me that you are undervaluing yourself. You are not setting the bar high enough with regard to how men treat you. You are grasping for whatever is in front of you. Why? Think about it, maybe even talk with someone about it (a friend or counselor).

 

Find out what it is you want in your romantic pursuits. It sounds like you want a loving, committed relationship. Consider how you want to carry yourself, and the behaviors you want to adopt, to get you on the path to the type of relationship you want.

 

PLEASE- Get some input and think through your standards in men. What do you want? What do you deserve? What is a need and a deal breaker? What common values, morals, desires, and interests do you want? Ask your older, happily married family members, what is a good man? Your expectations are terribly low. I don't think you realize how low your expectations are and how much better a man should treat you. Find out how loving, committed husbands treat their wives and make some big adjustments in how high you set the bar.

 

Think about how you value yourself. Do you think you are worth being treated well? Do you think you have been expecting men to treat you well? Why have you allowed men to walk on you and chase after and pine for them like a lost puppy?

 

Unless you change your mindset, your choices, your expectations, your standards, and your perception of self-worth you will continue to have these types of experiences with men. They are deprecating. devaluing, risky sex with a promiscuous man, and emotionally draining to you.

 

I see you like to read self help books. I know none are 100% on the mark, and we don't want to get into game playing, but I saw you read Steve Harveys book.

 

Go back and read "How to Think Like A Man" again. Some of it, like expecting a man to get your car door and pull out your seat, may be a bit much for most people. However, he talks about how to value yourself. He talks about how to practice your value with standards that show your self respect and the respect you expect a man to have toward you. He talks about waiting for sex, which I also think you should do as you are not looking for a FB.

 

Best luck. It's time to make a change girl. You are worth more than being used and then pining for the no good men you are used by.

Edited November 10, 2013 by NJtoDC

[d0nnivain]

While I don't think telling him that you want exclusivity will change his mind, if you don't tell him you don't even give him that option. While it's highly unlikely it's still remotely possible.

[missmiss123]

OP- I have read through your post history. There is a theme there of setting your standards very low, putting up with being treated poorly, and clinging to guys (who are no good).

 

It seems to me that you are undervaluing yourself. You are not setting the bar high enough with regard to how men treat you. You are grasping for whatever is in front of you. Why? Think about it, maybe even talk with someone about it (a friend or counselor).

 

 

 

Thanks for everyone's comments. We spoke last night, and he slept with another girl the night before, I was upset and appreciated his honesty. I told him that I need some sort of committment otherwise we shouldn't see each other anymore. His excuses were that he is afraid of committing if there are any sorts of doubt in his mind, and only when you have experienced and matured, you can make the right choice. He said he will have 2 weeks to think about it. I'm ok with that... but the reason he needs 2 weeks is because he has plans with another girl this weekend, and he really wants to see her to elimate all doubt and if he committs to me, he will be 100 committed. I trust him, because he is honest and truthful and it... I think I will wait 2 weeks and see what his answer is, no I will not be having anymore sex with him in between. That just makes me feel used... but I think in 2 weeks time, there is a chance that we'd be together because he really likes me but wants to be 100% sure before making a 100% committment.

 

I know I sound naive... but I think this really could work....

[Mascara]

Oh my days. Seriously, you should walk away from this guy now.

 

All that's going to change in 2 weeks is that he won't tell you about it any more.

[phineas]

Thanks for everyone's comments. We spoke last night, and he slept with another girl the night before, I was upset and appreciated his honesty. I told him that I need some sort of committment otherwise we shouldn't see each other anymore. His excuses were that he is afraid of committing if there are any sorts of doubt in his mind, and only when you have experienced and matured, you can make the right choice. He said he will have 2 weeks to think about it. I'm ok with that... but the reason he needs 2 weeks is because he has plans with another girl this weekend, and he really wants to see her to elimate all doubt and if he committs to me, he will be 100 committed. I trust him, because he is honest and truthful and it... I think I will wait 2 weeks and see what his answer is, no I will not be having anymore sex with him in between. That just makes me feel used... but I think in 2 weeks time, there is a chance that we'd be together because he really likes me but wants to be 100% sure before making a 100% committment.

 

I know I sound naive... but I think this really could work....

 

After reading this, let me tell you what is going to happen.

He's going to keep trying to sleep with other women.

If he can't find a FWB in a few weeks he's going to call you up & make you his new FWB because he knows you will drop your panties for him.

He won't tell you that you are a FWB.

 

He will keep seeing other women & he will drop you the second he finds a new piece of ass.

 

Why do this to yourself?

Seriously?

He will hurt you if you give him the chance.

 

All you are doing is damaging yourself to the point where you start distrusting every man, making obscene rules for dating & end up old and alone with your cats.

[todreaminblue]

met a guy recently pretty sure he isnt exclusive ...but i am ...he doesnt need to know it.......i am not dating others even with given opportunity ....i cant focus on more than one and i am not sure if you would call it dating...yeah it is.....because i dont hold hands with friends......his motor is running a little too

fast fro me so going to have to adjust that.....i am not a multiple dater.....doesnt mean i expect him to "settle" for me don't even know if i will settle....but ill date him and go deeper......give him that chance.....ill give it a month or two to see if feelings other than companionship develop ....of it doesn't go anywhere ill say goodbye......if he asks me i will tell him the truth i am not dating others...i see him at the moment as a companion.....and i do have feelings for someone else that can't go anywhere......if he accepts that then it is good to progress...if he doesnt, then i have done no wrong..i have done the right thing by being truthful even though i am shooting myself in the foot.......i will be honest every step of the way....even abotu the ex who sleeps on my couch.....ill introduce him if he likes to meet him...i8f not yeah ....i need and want my ex to move out....my ex knows it....no confusion no lies......if i find out he is dating others..quite regularly...after i have a discussion with him, i would back off and let him have others.....not me......not interested in sharing saliva with muplitples..........

 

 

tell him you are exclusive with him, don't put it on him that you want him to be but say how you view how you feel and what you want....then you will fiind out how he views you and him dating.......if it doesnt match....move on.......best wishes....deb

[NJtoDC]

Thanks for everyone's comments. We spoke last night, and he slept with another girl the night before, I was upset and appreciated his honesty. I told him that I need some sort of committment otherwise we shouldn't see each other anymore. His excuses were that he is afraid of committing if there are any sorts of doubt in his mind, and only when you have experienced and matured, you can make the right choice. He said he will have 2 weeks to think about it. I'm ok with that... but the reason he needs 2 weeks is because he has plans with another girl this weekend, and he really wants to see her to elimate all doubt and if he committs to me, he will be 100 committed. I trust him, because he is honest and truthful and it... I think I will wait 2 weeks and see what his answer is, no I will not be having anymore sex with him in between. That just makes me feel used... but I think in 2 weeks time, there is a chance that we'd be together because he really likes me but wants to be 100% sure before making a 100% committment.

 

I know I sound naive... but I think this really could work....

 

You met him a week ago, what is so wonderful about this guy to stay around while he sleeps around for two more weeks 'thinking about it'? How is going out on this other date going to help solidify his interest in you? If he was truly interested in something serious (as he stated) I don't think he would have the balls to say this stuff:

 

'I want to keep me options open for as long as possible'

' I want to meet new people'

'would it bother you if I slept with someone else purely for physical needs (i.e. met at a night club) but nothing emotional' I said yes so he said 'then don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to'

 

Does this not completely turn you off? You want something serious. He wants to play the field as long as possible, find NEW dates, and have no strings attached sex with other women (I assume while you are giving it to him as well), and the last one really shows how much he respects you. If you don't like his intentions don't ask questions? Wow.

 

How in the world did he get you to wait on him for two more weeks? Is he rich, famous, Brad Pitt? What?

 

He's scared of commitment? All you are asking is for him to date and sleep with only you. This isn't marriage or engagement. He's not even actively dating anyone else, just has a date set up. The desire to practice promiscuity is not a quality you want in a serious BF is it?

 

You can not know if he is honest and trustworthy. You've known him one week. He has made his desire to screw around town known to you. He's not ashamed of it. How do you know he won't tell you what you want to hear and do what he expressed he actually wants behind your back? You don't. Is this the kinda mindset you want in a potention BF? Seems you've learned enough about him in just one week to suggest he is not the right one for you.

 

I wouldn't wait two weeks for sex either. If he is sleeping around a couple days ago he could get an STD that takes a few months to test for. How do you know he is STD free? Promiscuous behavior is a big risk factor. Not everything can be prevented through condoms either: such as HPV and herpes. Plus, condoms break.

 

Yes, you sound naive. if you think this is a good idea why not run it past someone older and wiser who you respect? You are not valuing yourself in this situation. It's a terrible idea.

 

If you insist on waiting for this schmuck, please go on other dates while you wait. I don't think it would take much to meet a guy more worth your time than this one. You may be able to see this in less than two weeks.

[missmiss123]

But he is being so honest with me. I truly believe that if he commits, he will be honest, truthful and loyal. That's why he can't so easily make a commitment effort. Gosh I'm cringing while writing this...... I think I will wait 2 weeks, but in the meantime, not sleep with him and try to go on dates with others. I'm not waiting around doing nothing, juts giving him the space/time he might need.

[NJtoDC]

But he is being so honest with me. I truly believe that if he commits, he will be honest, truthful and loyal. That's why he can't so easily make a commitment effort. Gosh I'm cringing while writing this...... I think I will wait 2 weeks, but in the meantime, not sleep with him and try to go on dates with others. I'm not waiting around doing nothing, juts giving him the space/time he might need.

 

Hon, it IS naive (as many people have pointed out) to think that you know this man's character based on one train wreck of a week. You know only what he allows you to know. NO ONE knows a person in a week!

 

He was honest about sleeping around, not wanting to commit, lay the field, and have another first date before he decides if you deserve his undivided attention. This does not make him noble or honorable, it makes him an anomaly...lol. It certainly doesn't point to how seriously he takes commitments or you.

 

I'm glad you cringe writing this. I hope it means you are seeing things a bit more clearly. You have projected honorable character, serious relationship potential, and a solemn reverence (therefor hesitation) for the commitment of exclusivity onto this man you've known for a week that sounds like an *******.

 

You are teaching him how he can treat you if he does do you the honor of no longer screwing other women. For your own sake, since you won't end this nonsense yourself, I hope he does. You are going to get hurt. You can do better. You are hanging your hopes on...I'm not even sure what.

 

What is so great about this guy, seriously? What has he done to deserve you? What has he done to deserve your waiting on him?

Edited November 10, 2013 by NJtoDC

[missmiss123]

Sweet Jesus. Your posts make YOU cringe? I'm crapping myself here, I want to give you advice or something but like someone else mentioned, I read your past posts and honestly got a little sad. It seems like any advice goes a little unheeded, and you don't seem to have a lot of self value. Nothing you do is gonna "fix" this guy or change him to what you want him to be. Which in this case seems to be a committed guy. Of which there are literally thousands of out and around you.

 

I get that it may be a mental inclination for you to like guys who maybe don't value you much, or can be seen as "projects", but I really wish you could find an alternative. One that might not leave you heartbroken or sitting in a clinic. Or both.

 

 

What should I do then? i already told him I will wait 2 weeks... I can't exactly message him and take my word back...? Or should I wait until he asks to see me again, and then I tell him that I won't see him until he makes a decision....? I won't be doing anything in the meantime, i'll just live life and see what happens... see his actions...