Need to let this out...

[BHsigh]

leannaray,

 

There is an old saying about misery loving company and this board is a great example of that premise. You are going to get hammered by people telling you to fess up because it is the 'right thing to do'. But before you take that advice realize that 95% of them are divorced BS's. Just keep that in mind.

 

As a reconciling BS, I would have to say that you have to tell your husband.

 

You telling him = bad

Him finding out another way = much worse

 

Just keep that in mind, with a crazy om that's not getting his way, I would say that the chances of your husband finding out through him are pretty high.

 

But hey, do what you want, you're the only one that matters anyways, and you're smart enough to make your husbands decision for him. What would he know about choosing to leave or stay with a cheating spouse anyways?

 

And that is exactly what you are doing by not telling him, you're making this decision for him .

Edited November 12, 2013 by BHsigh

[Try]

I will tell my husband on my own time after seeking advice from a therapist on how to handle it.

I am glad that you will be telling your husband. If your husband found out on his own later, the affair would be new to him and it would feel to him like it just happened. He will view everything that happened between the two of you from the time of the affair until he found out as a lie. In a sense the affair does not end until your husband knows and the two of you deal with it together, so the sooner that you tell him the better. One more thing about you telling him. If you tell him, he will be much more inclined to beleive much of what you say about the affair. If he finds out from someone else, such as your unstable affair partner, he will be far less inclined to beleive anything that you say about affair, and will fear a worst case version of the affair.

[Snowflower]

I think I'm done with these forums all together. I will tell my husband on my own time after seeking advice from a therapist on how to handle it.

 

I know there's no way to deliver this information that will not be hurtful, but I definitely do not want to come off as how you all are perceiving me.

 

Sorry some of the posters have been giving you a rough time with some of their responses here. It happens frequently. I wish people wouldn't project what they wished would have happened to them onto you.

 

If you want some further, more objective advice without feeling like you're in the hot seat, perhaps read through those threads that were mentioned by another poster. It might give you a different perspective.

 

I do believe you need to tell your husband but I'm not going to run roughshod over you to try to convince you. It's your life and your marriage. I do think you and your H have a lot of issues though and some counseling will help you both decide what you want for the future of your relationship.

 

Good luck!

[peaksandvalleys]

I think I'm done with these forums all together. I will tell my husband on my own time after seeking advice from a therapist on how to handle it.

 

I know there's no way to deliver this information that will not be hurtful, but I definitely do not want to come off as how you all are perceiving me.

 

 

Just a word of advice from a BS who found out on her own and my WS swears he was going to tell me at some point, you might want to read my response to his actions. Just for further information I am hurt and angry and that drove my actions.

[bosunmate]

Until you tell your husband the truth your marriage will always be a lie.

When you do tell don't hold anything back or it will make the healing process

much harder. Whatever you decide good luck.

[2sunny]

Beach, yes, "obviously" was my answer because I am old enough to know that oral sex could lead to an STD. And I will quit my job as soon as I can get another one. These are not easy times financially for most....

 

And Knosith, I am not a regular on these forums. It's my first post and first time here. I am not aware of who is who and what their situation is.

 

And I liked Realist's advice for what was said about the blackmailing. I know what I did was wrong, but the OM attempting to blackmail me at work is wrong as well. Regardless of whether I decided to tell my husband or not, I will not have my entire reputation ruined because of someone who feels like he needs to seek revenge on me for ending a relationship.That will only harm my husband and myself more, as friends and family would get involved. How humiliating would that be? I want this to be between me and him.

 

And yes, I wouldn't seek marriage counseling unless I told. But I do plan on seeing a therapist for my own issues. Hoping to find possible courage and peace from them in my current situation.

 

I know many of you here were the BS, I've been there, and I am sorry. I did not come here expecting anyone to give me advice on how to conceal this affair or to make myself feel better. I just wanted to see different outcomes from people in similar situations and how they got through it. I should've thought long before I posted what I was going to say, as I can only imagine getting more and more attacked as this thread keeps on.

 

Peace doesn't come FROM the counselor - it comes from within.

 

Although it's difficult to have peace and happiness while living in lies and betrayal.

 

You can decide not to tell husband - and do ALL the ACTION that's required to make up for your bad behavior.

 

And that would require you to change.

 

Are you willing to change?

[Yesterday]

Leannaray,

Sorry that you have put yourself in this situation, I believe you as many that if you could, it would never have happened. We live with our choices, good and bad.

 

You had issues with your husband, he may not have been absolutely honest about his EA and you stated he was leaving something out of your marriage, obviously you were too. Very few spouses cheat, most talk to their spouses about things that bothers them. There also was a moment when you told yourself it was alright to f**k another man, to disrespect yourself, your husband and place your marriage at risk.

 

Know this that although you hurt to be judged here, it is nothing compared to the explosion of pain your husband is about to feel about your deceit, lying and allowing another man to get what he wanted from you.

 

Reading your posts, you believe you got played by your AP who told your co-workers in advance of his intentions despite the fact that you were married. Followed by your declaration to co-workers that you were single? So you have discussed your affair at work since you heard what the AP said about his intentions, and your co-workers know you lied to them about being single? Your boss may already be aware or has heard a rumor. Finding another job is important to your NC with your AP, and for a new start for yourself.

 

Marriage is built on trust and intimacy. That has been broken, whether your husband is aware of it or not. Tell him when your ready, know that the longer you wait the greater the risk. Tell him with humility and acceptance of your part in the affair, he owns his own EA, but that did not give you a pass. Own your affair yourself.

 

Your affair was not a mistake, it was a weakness in your character. Your husband needs to know who he married. Your strength in coming forward, along with complete remorse and honesty will afford you the best opportunity to re-build your marriage.

 

 

Good luck,

[turnera]

I lost interest in the affair

I chose my husband

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair

I just want to get on with my life

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair

Of course you don't.

 

Tell me about the selfishness you see in the above words you wrote.

[turnera]

I know what I did was wrong, but the OM attempting to blackmail me at work is wrong as well.

You can't be blackmailed if you go and tell the truth first.

[katielee]

integrity - telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

[Realist3]

Blackmail is a jailable felony offense. If you went and talked to an investigator at your local PD he would likely help you greatly without having to file a formal complaint. He would most likely pay the offender a visit and let them know what legal ramifications they would face. And most people don't really care for jail.

[beach]

Since you THINK it "just happened" - you need to delve DEEP into how you ALLOWED it to become that way - by asking yourself how YOU participated in a way that let him into your life.