Need to let this out...

[leannaray]

No. Obviously.

[beach]

No. Obviously.

 

Obviously?

 

When someone cheats - it's never obvious what may or may not have happened.

 

Why don't you change jobs?

[Clay]

Don't tell him?

 

That is the sound advice?? So lie and hope he never find out? Live with the fact of the lie. Pray you never drink and slip up. Is this what marriage is suppose to be about?

 

I understand why you would be mad and hurt since your H cheated on you first. I would be upset too. That information is out in the open now and you both can make sound decisions on whether to stay together or not. It sounds like you did forgive him and stayed with him.

 

Why not tell him and be back on equal ground to make the same choices. Would he not forgive you? I would at least give him the chance.

 

As far as the job I would quit today if you want to have any chance of R.

 

Clay

[Realist3]

is the one un-remorseful serial cheater!

 

You have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Many on this board seem to make it a sport to drive people straight to divorce when it is completely unnecessary.

[Realist3]

Don't tell him?

 

That is the sound advice?? So lie and hope he never find out? Live with the fact of the lie. Pray you never drink and slip up. Is this what marriage is suppose to be about?

 

I understand why you would be mad and hurt since your H cheated on you first. I would be upset too. That information is out in the open now and you both can make sound decisions on whether to stay together or not. It sounds like you did forgive him and stayed with him.

 

Why not tell him and be back on equal ground to make the same choices. Would he not forgive you? I would at least give him the chance.

 

As far as the job I would quit today if you want to have any chance of R.

 

Clay

 

Some of you don't understand the concept of a greater good. Mane an IC will tell their clients not to tell because it serves as a greater good for the relationship and the family, especially if it is over.

[Realist3]

leannaray,

 

There is an old saying about misery loving company and this board is a great example of that premise. You are going to get hammered by people telling you to fess up because it is the 'right thing to do'. But before you take that advice realize that 95% of them are divorced BS's. Just keep that in mind.

[Realist3]

There are a lot of badly trained marriage counselors who will say do not tell,

 

Strictly opinion and conjecture.

 

 

every major expert recognized says exposure and honesty is the only way to go.

 

This is simply untrue.

 

I respect your right to have your opinion on the matter, but to speak in such absolutes on such a disputed topic in professional circles is not being quite honest. The professional opinions on the matter are pretty much 50/50.

[Realist3]

The advice most people offer to a person considering telling their spouse about their affair is, "Don't." Surprisingly, this attitude of secrecy is reinforced by the standard advice from marriage counselors, therapists, and advice columnists. Many of them are adamant in their belief that a person shouldn't tell their partner about an affair...

 

10 characters and beyond.

[jnel921]

It was so easy to lie to your H, your coworkers, and your boss and convince them you were single so that you could justify your selfishness and sleeping with the OM.

 

It was only when your back was against the wall and now the OM wanted something from you that you couldn't handle it. Was you H the winner by default as he never wanted anything from you... only your love, honor and respect.

 

It is very easy to hear WS mention how us BS were lacking filling a void and blame us for spreading or sticking them... not so the case. This was your choice! A bad one at that. Next time you want to get attention speak to your H. His is the only one you should care to have.

 

You need to come clean on your own to him. Hearing it second hand will only make it worse especially if you wind up losing your job over it.

 

Give him the choice to decide if you are truly remorseful. Maybe he will stay.

But if you stay quiet....believe you me... what doesn't come out in the wash always comes out in the rinse!

[leannaray]

Beach, yes, "obviously" was my answer because I am old enough to know that oral sex could lead to an STD. And I will quit my job as soon as I can get another one. These are not easy times financially for most....

 

And Knosith, I am not a regular on these forums. It's my first post and first time here. I am not aware of who is who and what their situation is.

 

And I liked Realist's advice for what was said about the blackmailing. I know what I did was wrong, but the OM attempting to blackmail me at work is wrong as well. Regardless of whether I decided to tell my husband or not, I will not have my entire reputation ruined because of someone who feels like he needs to seek revenge on me for ending a relationship.That will only harm my husband and myself more, as friends and family would get involved. How humiliating would that be? I want this to be between me and him.

 

And yes, I wouldn't seek marriage counseling unless I told. But I do plan on seeing a therapist for my own issues. Hoping to find possible courage and peace from them in my current situation.

 

I know many of you here were the BS, I've been there, and I am sorry. I did not come here expecting anyone to give me advice on how to conceal this affair or to make myself feel better. I just wanted to see different outcomes from people in similar situations and how they got through it. I should've thought long before I posted what I was going to say, as I can only imagine getting more and more attacked as this thread keeps on.

[leannaray]

It was so easy to lie to your H, your coworkers, and your boss and convince them you were single so that you could justify your selfishness and sleeping with the OM.

 

It was only when your back was against the wall and now the OM wanted something from you that you couldn't handle it. Was you H the winner by default as he never wanted anything from you... only your love, honor and respect.

 

It is very easy to hear WS mention how us BS were lacking filling a void and blame us for spreading or sticking them... not so the case. This was your choice! A bad one at that. Next time you want to get attention speak to your H. His is the only one you should care to have.

 

You need to come clean on your own to him. Hearing it second hand will only make it worse especially if you wind up losing your job over it.

 

Give him the choice to decide if you are truly remorseful. Maybe he will stay.

But if you stay quiet....believe you me... what doesn't come out in the wash always comes out in the rinse!

 

I wish people that comment on this thread read through ALL of the comments, seeing as I explained further what the background of this was....

[violet1]

Is he trying to extort or blackmail you into keeping the affair going?

 

That is usually an empty threat. If he goes to the boss the affair is definitely over and he could lose his job, so he really has nothing to gain. He is just playing on your mental state. If you cave in he will have control of you forever. Don't fall for it.

 

The second part is a crap shoot. Most statistics say the vast majority of people stay together, but from the anecdotal evidence we see here, not so much.

 

My advice would be to try and find another job ASAP, and keep it to yourself.

I agree. I don't agree just because I'm currently in an affair. I've been on ALL sides of the infidelity spectrum. I was once unknowingly the OW, my H cheated on me many years ago and now I'm currently in an affair. I had very bad experiences with exposure. When I exposed the cheater as the unknowing OW, I got called a slut. I told my family and my H's family when he cheated. His family blamed me and part of my family disowned me for a few years because I chose to reconcile with a cheater. The way I was treated felt much worst than my H cheating. If I could go back, I would have never told a soul about his cheating. Although I'm planning for a divorce, I'll never tell my H about my affair. Believe it or not, I really wish I hadn't found out about my husband's cheating. It damaged my self esteem and trust for years. I even used his cheating as a justification for me to cheat almost a decade after it happened.

 

I do understand why the others suggest you confess though. If you choose not to then I suggest you get into IC immediately to help prevent it from happening again. Definitely look for another job and get the OM completely out of your life.

 

Best wishes!

[harrybrown]

Ok, so you will not tell him. That is your decision.

 

If he cheated on you again, would you want to know?

 

How do you feel about your H now? If you want to stay with him and improve your marriage, be careful about the wall that you are building between you to protect your secret.

 

Does your H ever show up to your work? To try and reconnect after the affair fog, some have had success and some failures. But more work secrets are not helpful in building a close relationship.

 

Do you ever initiate relations with him? Do you think of the OM when you have relations with your H, or some other man? Do not ever tell him, but if he is your backup plan, and you do not love him anymore, set him free.

 

If you do love him, make him a priority in your future.

Edited November 12, 2013 by harrybrown
correction

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I will not have my entire reputation ruined because of someone who feels like he needs to seek revenge on me for ending a relationship. I want this to be between me and him.

 

How do you intend to stop other man from telling your boss?

 

Does other man even know you were married?

 

Does other man intend to lie to your boss or tell the truth? It sounds like he is threatening you with the truth.

 

Blackmail is a crime. I do not know if what other man is doing is criminal, but maybe you should talk to the police. Problem is it may then become public.

 

I am not sure what to believe. You are painting other man as crazy, but from his point of view he might just be hurt and very angry at having been led on and then unceremoniously dumped after he fell in love with you.

 

Meanwhile, you actually lied to everyone at work that you were single - not just the other man, but everyone. If I found out that one of my co-workers who went out partying occasionally and said she was single really was married, I would think SHE was the crazy one.

[atreides]

 

Regardless of whether I decided to tell my husband or not, I will not have my entire reputation ruined because of someone who feels like he needs to seek revenge on me for ending a relationship.That will only harm my husband and myself more, as friends and family would get involved. How humiliating would that be? I want this to be between me and him.

 

I am always blunt but to the point,

It amazes me how many like to play with fire but don't want to get burned.

 

I read your back story, it is a moot point. You stayed with him, moved past it, you forgave him of sorts or just rug swept it. If you then lied and did not forgive your H, you lied to yourself and your H for what he did. You then lied again by having an A.

 

 

And yes, I wouldn't seek marriage counseling unless I told. But I do plan on seeing a therapist for my own issues. Hoping to find possible courage and peace from them in my current situation.

 

Tells me everything, you want this hushed up, swept under the rug, yeat again while you continue to lie to yourself and your H. There is no type of IC that helps when one lies to themselves.

 

You liked realist's post on blackmail because it is a shift of blame and a nice stroll in victimville. When having an A or a shared relationship, you can't control the AP and they not develop further feelings beyond what you want or for that matter be as emotionally stable as yourself, which is a lie in itself. You started that fire and on one else, it has many exponential outcomes.

 

I just wanted to see different outcomes from people in similar situations and how they got through it.

 

Translation, you wanted to see "statistical" information as in someone got through it too, scott-free.

 

There is no way around a hurt AP who likely wants the relationship to continue, they are either bluffing or not. You however, if remorseful would tell your H and it either ends your M and the lies or you guys get a fresh new start where false forgiveness does not rule the day compounded with resentment and etc. The sad thing is, you chose your husband because the AP did not workout, too "needy." You say you would have ended it, but that variable is as dynamic as unforeseen consequences when one plays with fire.

 

Most of all you stated you did not want to be judged, sometimes that is what's best when it is either constructive or not, it is the many images reflected back at us in the mirror, when we are looking, truly looking at ourselves.

Edited November 12, 2013 by atreides

[leannaray]

Okay, it's kind of annoying when a lot of you chime in thinking you know what I am feeling or planning on doing.

 

I don't WANT to tell my husband. That doesn't mean I WON'T tell him. This just happened. I am trying to weigh the pros and cons.

When I said "I just wanted to see different outcomes from people in similar situations and how they got through it."

it's exactly what I said. Other spouses that have cheated, what did they do, how did they confess, what about therapy....etc....

Don't try to make it more than it is. There are no subliminal messages here.

 

Yes, this person IS mentally unstable. He told me things that made me come to this conclusion. I will not share what he told me in this public forum. He pursued me knowing I was married. We had been working for the same company for four years. When told I was married, he told his friends he was going after me despite that fact. I found this out later.

 

Yes. i lied to people at work. Divorce was where I figured my marriage was going. I made a mistake. So did your spouses.

 

Here's some advice for some of you that come in here to troll cheating spouses and take out your anger: Get it out of your mind. Stop joining these forums and reliving your past. Obviously you all haven't forgiven your spouses. If you actually have forgiven them, let it go. If they feel anything like I do, they're already tortured by their own guilt and remorse.

If you can't forgive, stop condemning them, and start over.

 

Oh, and thanks Violet1. Best wishes to you, as well.

[TurningTables]

May I ask what you did after you found out about your H's EA? Did you attend marriage counseling?

 

I have another question that has been already asked-Do you have children?

 

 

Going on what you have written, if you did not "fix" why your H had a EA, then your affair was a accident waiting to happen. It seems that your marriage still has issues from the past. If you do not address these first, you or your H will fall into another affair. I know a lot of posters here seem to be harsh on you, but they all know from past experience, if you do not tell your H, history will repeat itself. You wont be happy if you do not find out why your H had the EA in the first place. Things will continue and what was lacking before, will be lacking again.

There are ways to get around not telling. You both can still go to counseling, but there will always be an elephant in the room. YOU cannot fix your M by yourself!

 

TT

[leannaray]

May I ask what you did after you found out about your H's EA? Did you attend marriage counseling?

I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in a state of shock for awhile. I've always had a poor self image, my husband knows this. We didn't seek marriage counseling, but we should have. All he really did was delete contacts from his phone and delete more female friends on SN sites. He asked if I wanted to do weekly checks on his phone, I declined, because I didn't want to be that wife and I knew he could easily wipe messages away anyways.

 

I have another question that has been already asked-Do you have children? No, fortunately, we do not.

 

This will NEVER happen again. It was completely out of character for me. I was in a very bad place emotionally and got swept up in a terrible situation. I created my own rabbit hole. if I could take it all back, I would. Now whether or not he decides to strike up another EA...I don't know. And you know what? I would prefer not to know. I wish I never found out that he had an EA in the first place.

 

Harrybrown, I have no intentions of keeping a wall. I withdrew from the marriage long ago to match his emotions towards me at the time. That's just how he is. But I am trying my best to change that.

 

And atreides, i really do not know your situation, but your conclusions are very presumptuous.

The sad thing is, you chose your husband because the AP did not workout, too "needy." You say you would have ended it, but that variable is as dynamic as unforeseen consequences when one plays with fire.

No. That wasn't the case. I can't go back and rewrite my post now, so my sloppiness is in everyone's view to judge. I planned on ending the affair earlier on, because I did/do love my husband. I said "needy" because I'm trying to be vague here. This is a public forum after all. I cannot release ever detail of the OM and my conversations throughout and after the affair.

 

I've already had issues currently with email hacking, prank phone calls and the best one yet, Mormoms being summoned to my front door claiming I requested their presence online.

[atreides]

Okay, it's kind of annoying when a lot of you chime in thinking you know what I am feeling or planning on doing.

 

I don't WANT to tell my husband. That doesn't mean I WON'T tell him. This just happened. I am trying to weigh the pros and cons.

 

 

I am not a BS or a WS, there is no bias here. But the infidelity forum may not be the forum for you. The OW/OM forum where more support is given for the WS who as you come off as, "want to get away with it" or live with the lie not having told your H. Saying you dont want to tell is enough for most and of course saying that it does not equate to never telling him is a moot point from the perspective of those that are a BS or a reconciled WS. You say pros and cons... it cheapens what you are saying to many, as if to have an array of choice to outcome when most will want to advise you to come clean to end the lies. However that wont help you with your out of control AP. The OM/OW forum will help with that, not this one. I would make a thread just on how people dealt with that kind of AP.

 

 

When I said "I just wanted to see different outcomes from people in similar situations and how they got through it."

it's exactly what I said. Other spouses that have cheated, what did they do, how did they confess, what about therapy....etc....

Don't try to make it more than it is. There are no subliminal messages here.

 

In this forum

Find Sophie's story on this forum, titled

"He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed"

"Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce"

then do searches for users like coolit and compulsivedancer

 

they have great stories to read through.

 

Yes, this person IS mentally unstable. He told me things that made me come to this conclusion. I will not share what he told me in this public forum. He pursued me knowing I was married. We had been working for the same company for four years. When told I was married, he told his friends he was going after me despite that fact. I found this out later.

 

Go to the OM/OW forum, they will have far better advise as how to handle your out of control AP.

Edited November 12, 2013 by atreides

[atreides]

And atreides, i really do not know your situation, but your conclusions are very presumptuous.

The sad thing is, you chose your husband because the AP did not workout, too "needy." You say you would have ended it, but that variable is as dynamic as unforeseen consequences when one plays with fire.

No. That wasn't the case. I can't go back and rewrite my post now, so my sloppiness is in everyone's view to judge. I planned on ending the affair earlier on, because I did/do love my husband. I said "needy" because I'm trying to be vague here. This is a public forum after all.

 

It is a public forum, but all we have to go off of is what is written. What i stated is that, knowing with certainty that you would have ended the A with unknown variables such as a different kind of AP that can at this point never be known is far more presumptuous.

 

 

This will NEVER happen again. It was completely out of character for me. I was in a very bad place emotionally and got swept up in a terrible situation. I created my own rabbit hole. if I could take it all back, I would. Now whether or not he decides to strike up another EA...I don't know. And you know what? I would prefer not to know. I wish I never found out that he had an EA in the first place.

 

No, no, no.. .that would not be fair to you. It seems like you are content to live with your own lies and live with lies by your H. This is sad, of course you should know. I would tell your H the very same thing, why have a M like that. It is not fair to either of you.

[leannaray]

I think I'm done with these forums all together. I will tell my husband on my own time after seeking advice from a therapist on how to handle it.

 

I know there's no way to deliver this information that will not be hurtful, but I definitely do not want to come off as how you all are perceiving me.

Edited November 12, 2013 by leannaray

[atreides]

I did not intend to come off as a troll to you as you stated, but i think i gave you a fair post, 2 posts back giving you some great stories here to read and forums to post here in LS.

 

reposting it

In this forum

Find Sophie's story on this forum, titled

"He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed"

"Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce"

then do searches for users like coolit and compulsivedancer

 

their stories may have great insight and also post in the OM/OW forum, there the posters can help with an out of control AP. just read back 2 posts for the rest of my post. I want you to get the best of LS but where you post is everything.

Edited November 12, 2013 by atreides

[RAN65]

I think I'm done with these forums all together. I will tell my husband on my own time after seeking advice from a therapist on how to handle it.

 

I know there's no way to deliver this information that will not be hurtful, but I definitely do not want to come off as how you all are perceiving me.

 

If the OM tells your Husband before you tell him !!!

[dichotomy]

I do think you need to tell him - none the less - while you decide you do need to:

 

1) Get another job. Work very hard and fast on this.

2) Get IC.

3) Be prepared (if and when) to answer some very difficult questions and be honest. Beside uncomfortable stuff like sexual details, the bigger one of "why" will be necessary (see IC above). Don't blame shift.

4) If your going to delay telling your husband, I would write down as many details about what happened as possible, memories have a way of fading on specific details (see 3 above). Write down very detailed accounts when - what, who said what, etc.... Save emails or texts (yes your husband should have these if and when you tell him).

5) Don't EVER have kids if you have not told him yet.

[harrybrown]

When telling a spouse, some have written a timeline and diary of the affair.

 

Then they give that to the spouse. It helps to avoid trickle-truth. TT is very damaging to a relationship.