Need to let this out...

[leannaray]

I recently cheated on my husband of nine years and have been filled with the guilt (that I completely deserve) since ending the affair months ago.

I started flirting with a coworker while we were on a project together for a week. We're both in our thirties. He was single.

The next thing I knew he and I were texting back and forth. It seemed fairly innocent. I enjoyed flirting and the attention I was getting because it filled the void that my husband no longer cared to fill.

One day we decided to meet up and spend a few hours together. We kissed. It should've stopped there, well, it should've never gotten there.

Weeks later we joined our fellow coworkers for a movie. That night, we slept together. My husband knew I was with "friends" but didn't know the situation. They all thought I was divorced. I started telling everyone at work I was single..."what the hell am I doing?" I thought, but I felt like I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole.

A week or two passed. I found myself driving to his house. He lived alone. We'd go out, have dinner, have sex, then I'd go home. I'd lie and tell my husband I was with family.

I saw him a total of 5-6 times outside of work. I finally got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. He started to become possessive, needy, and demanding of having our relationship rise to the next level.

I lost interest in the affair and realized that I could not continue to have a relationship with both men at the same time. I chose my husband.

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again. I know that if I tell, our marriage will be over. A lot of people in these forums say to tell the truth, but then their stories either begin or end with "my now ex-spouse......"

I'm so lost. I've been carrying this secret inside me this whole time, not telling a soul out of fear of being judged.

Edited November 10, 2013 by leannaray
Needed to add some other information.

[bobwhite007]

How would you feel if he had done that? Would you want him to tell you? You think he cannt tell somethings up? I know I can. The reason they say to tell is because the truth is the only thing that will lead to complete healing.true he may leave but you gotta tkae that chance. If he loves you maybe he will come back after he cools down. Find another job asap cause your fixin to lose yours. Nobody wants a stinkin liar on the payroll.

[Stillscared]

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

 

Your husband will be able to heal better if he learns of the affair from you, rather than from someone else. You've been married 9 years. Read everything in the 2nd post on this forum and you may have a chance to save your marriage. Good luck.

[not-so-sure]

I have not told my BS yet but as each day passes that moment gets closer, even though I know i won't do something so terrible ever again, nor do I know the consequences. It's simply getting in the way of me reconnecting with my BS.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Two alternate pieces of advice. Pick which one you want, or mix and match:

 

1. Try to be an adult and take some responsibility for your actions. Tell your husband. Trust me, this is going to come out one way or another. Better if you tell now.

 

2. Continue to lie to your husband. It was his fault because he stopped caring to fill your void the way he used to. Tell other man you will continue to have sex with him if he will keep your secret. Tell other man you lied to him, you are not single, you are not fully divorced yet, and for financial reasons you have to keep things with him under wraps until you come to a full settlement agreement with your husband. When it finally does come out, tell your husband it was his fault, that other man was filling the void that your husband no longer cared to fill, and that husband should have known you were the type that needed that void filled or you would seek the void-filling elsewhere.

 

Do you really need to ask what is the right thing to do?

[karnak]

Do you have kids?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I saw him a total of 5-6 times outside of work. I finally got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. He started to become possessive, needy, and demanding of having our relationship rise to the next level.

I lost interest in the affair.

 

If other man had kept it casual, would you still be having an affair with him?

 

Only thing that changed to make you stop was that other man became NEEDY, which is very unattractive; the affair did not end for any reason to do with your husband.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The next thing I knew he and I were texting back and forth. It seemed fairly innocent.

 

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss.

 

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again.

 

Well, as long as you have no desire to ever commit adultery again, then I'm sure everything will be OK.

 

By the way, before this affair started, did you ever have a desire to commit adultery? From your post, it seems the answer is "NO," but yet it still happened.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

 

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again. I know that if I tell, our marriage will be over. A lot of people in these forums say to tell the truth, but then their stories either begin or end with "my now ex-spouse......"

 

I'm so lost. I've been carrying this secret inside me this whole time, not telling a soul out of fear of being judged.

 

Which is it? You are afraid of telling because it will end your marriage, or you are afraid of telling out of fear of being judged?

 

Everything you posted shows no concern for your husband, only for yourself. Selfish people will make selfish decisions.

 

There is no law against being selfish and you do not need our permission to lie to your husband.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I recently cheated on my husband of nine years and have been filled with the guilt (that I completely deserve) since ending the affair months ago.

I started flirting with a coworker while we were on a project together for a week. We're both in our thirties. He was single.

The next thing I knew he and I were texting back and forth. It seemed fairly innocent. I enjoyed flirting and the attention I was getting because it filled the void that my husband no longer cared to fill.

One day we decided to meet up and spend a few hours together. We kissed. It should've stopped there, well, it should've never gotten there.

Weeks later we joined our fellow coworkers for a movie. That night, we slept together. My husband knew I was with "friends" but didn't know the situation. They all thought I was divorced. I started telling everyone at work I was single..."what the hell am I doing?" I thought, but I felt like I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole.

A week or two passed. I found myself driving to his house. He lived alone. We'd go out, have dinner, have sex, then I'd go home. I'd lie and tell my husband I was with family.

I saw him a total of 5-6 times outside of work. I finally got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. He started to become possessive, needy, and demanding of having our relationship rise to the next level.

I lost interest in the affair and realized that I could not continue to have a relationship with both men at the same time. I chose my husband.

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again. I know that if I tell, our marriage will be over. A lot of people in these forums say to tell the truth, but then their stories either begin or end with "my now ex-spouse......"

I'm so lost. I've been carrying this secret inside me this whole time, not telling a soul out of fear of being judged.

 

Is there anything in this post, anywhere, that says or demonstrates you love your husband?

 

It seems to be all about no longer finding the other man attractive, fear of being exposed at work, fear of losing your job, and fear of being judged.

 

Am I missing anything?

 

Do you realize that most of us on this section of the forum were the ones who were cheated on? I think I speak for most of us when I say we did not like being lied to and deceived, maybe even more than the actual cheating itself, the lying and deception and covering it up are what usually leads to the divorce.

[harrybrown]

You need to tell your H. If he had an affair, you would want to know.

 

The POSOM will tell him if you do not.

 

Find a new job away from the AP.

 

HAVE YOU BEEN TESTED FOR STDS?

 

If not, do not have relations with you H.

 

Or did you use protection? (that sometimes fails)

 

You have built a wall around your relationship with your H. Tear down the wall. Be transparent with your H. Have you had IC to help you deal with how you could break your vows?

 

Write him a timeline and diary of the affair. Do not TT him.

[road]

You need to go NC with the OM so you must leave the job.

 

Other you need's are to tell the OMW and your BH.

 

 

And you did get physical with the OM. That means you had sex. Intercourse is one of many forms of sex.

[Bryanp]

If the OM is threatening to tell your boss then I guarantee you he is going to contact your husband. Your husband better hear it from you first.

 

Have you been tested for STD's? You put your husband at risk for STD's.

[bubbaganoosh]

If the OM is making threats about going to your boss, can you imagine if he found out you were lying to everybody about your marital status and dropped a line to your husband? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

 

You got a bunch of problems as it is and if you keep lying what makes you think it will get better? It always happens when you weave your lies that you eventually get caught in your own web. Then any chance of working things out with your husband as slim as you say it is will be null and void. Not only will you lose your husband but all the friends you deceived with your lies too.

[Leaving]

How can you say you love your husband when you go around telling coworkers you are single:confused:A happily married wouldn't do that

 

you were looking for trouble going out lying and being alone with a man.Things no married women should partake in.

 

The best thing for you to do is tell your husband asap(No Rug sweeping)

 

Cut all contact with the OM(find another job if possible or transfer to a difference department)

 

Show your husband that you are truly sorry and committed to making your marriage work.

[Realist3]

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again. I know that if I tell, our marriage will be over. A lot of people in these forums say to tell the truth, but then their stories either begin or end with "my now ex-spouse......"

 

Is he trying to extort or blackmail you into keeping the affair going?

 

That is usually an empty threat. If he goes to the boss the affair is definitely over and he could lose his job, so he really has nothing to gain. He is just playing on your mental state. If you cave in he will have control of you forever. Don't fall for it.

 

The second part is a crap shoot. Most statistics say the vast majority of people stay together, but from the anecdotal evidence we see here, not so much.

 

My advice would be to try and find another job ASAP, and keep it to yourself.

[leannaray]

Is he trying to extort or blackmail you into keeping the affair going?

 

That is usually an empty threat. If he goes to the boss the affair is definitely over and he could lose his job, so he really has nothing to gain. He is just playing on your mental state. If you cave in he will have control of you forever. Don't fall for it.

 

The second part is a crap shoot. Most statistics say the vast majority of people stay together, but from the anecdotal evidence we see here, not so much.

 

My advice would be to try and find another job ASAP, and keep it to yourself.

 

Thanks, Realist3. You've offered the soundest advice.

 

I know in my post it came off as I do not love my husband, but this was the first time I have ever typed out or even have said anything regarding the affair. My thought process was all over the place, I didn't want to write 4,000 words of rambling and so I kind of left the gist of everything.

 

Backstory, my husband has been emotionally absent from the marriage for the past two years. One year ago, after I caught him having an emotional affair with an old high school friend, I somewhat checked out of the marriage. I know that by him doing this, does not justify my actions, but I did not feel all that great having everyone that sees this thread thinking I'm some callous, bored, attention seeking woman.

 

i fell into temptation. I hate myself for it. I can't take it back, I can only move forward.

 

As for the OM, we work in different departments, completely separate from each other. We have different supervisors. I DO plan on getting another job, as I cannot stand to see this man any longer.

 

And Mickey_Fitzpatrick, you asked "If other man had kept it casual, would you still be having an affair with him?

Only thing that changed to make you stop was that other man became NEEDY, which is very unattractive; the affair did not end for any reason to do with your husband."

 

By "needy", I mean crazy. He has demonstrated mental instability and signs of bipolar disorder.

No. If he kept it casual, I would have still ended the affair. Not for any other reason that I love my husband and it could not continue.

[leannaray]

I'd say you're in quite a mess. Infidelity can be devastating, not just for the BS, but also for you. No one thinks about the consequences of their actions while they are making poor decisions. But it is something we all have to face one way or the other when we do something that hurts ourselves or others.

 

I would encourage you to start making the right decisions for you and your family right away. You can't erase the past but you can address things properly and move on in the right way.

 

I think it would really help you to start seeing a counselor as well. The issues in your marriage that contributed to your poor decision must be determined and addressed if your marriage is to be saved.

 

I agree with everything you've said. I do plan on seeking personal as well as marriage counseling very soon.

[tiredofitall2]

I recently cheated on my husband of nine years and have been filled with the guilt (that I completely deserve) since ending the affair months ago.

I started flirting with a coworker while we were on a project together for a week. We're both in our thirties. He was single.

The next thing I knew he and I were texting back and forth. It seemed fairly innocent. I enjoyed flirting and the attention I was getting because it filled the void that my husband no longer cared to fill.

One day we decided to meet up and spend a few hours together. We kissed. It should've stopped there, well, it should've never gotten there.

Weeks later we joined our fellow coworkers for a movie. That night, we slept together. My husband knew I was with "friends" but didn't know the situation. They all thought I was divorced. I started telling everyone at work I was single..."what the hell am I doing?" I thought, but I felt like I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole.

A week or two passed. I found myself driving to his house. He lived alone. We'd go out, have dinner, have sex, then I'd go home. I'd lie and tell my husband I was with family.

I saw him a total of 5-6 times outside of work. I finally got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore. He started to become possessive, needy, and demanding of having our relationship rise to the next level.

I lost interest in the affair and realized that I could not continue to have a relationship with both men at the same time. I chose my husband.

Now the other man is threatening to tell my boss about our affair. I don't know what to do. I just want to get on with my life.

I don't feel like it would be constructive to tell my husband about this affair because it has ended and I have no desire to ever commit adultery again. I know that if I tell, our marriage will be over. A lot of people in these forums say to tell the truth, but then their stories either begin or end with "my now ex-spouse......"

I'm so lost. I've been carrying this secret inside me this whole time, not telling a soul out of fear of being judged.

 

You should quit your job anyway, You shouldn't be working where the OM works.

 

If he's saying he will tell your boss what makes you think he won't tell your H?

 

You did the right thing in chosing your H.

[Bryanp]

Again if the OM is unstable like you say and is threatening to tell your boss then surely he will inform your husband. How can you not see this?

[crederer]

Your general reaction seems selfish. You're worried about how the consequences are going to effect you. You also have done a pretty good job of blameshifting towards your husband with this one (him not taking care of your "needs").

 

I think the only way that things even have a chance of improving for you is if you are indeed truly remorseful.

[harrybrown]

Tell your H and get tested for stds.

 

He does need to know. You will build a wall between the 2 of you, if you do not tell him.

[leannaray]

Tell your H and get tested for stds.

 

He does need to know. You will build a wall between the 2 of you, if you do not tell him.

 

I do not have STDs. We used protection.

[leannaray]

Your general reaction seems selfish. You're worried about how the consequences are going to effect you. You also have done a pretty good job of blameshifting towards your husband with this one (him not taking care of your "needs").

 

I think the only way that things even have a chance of improving for you is if you are indeed truly remorseful.

 

Yes, my general reaction was fairly selfish because I was frustrated at the moment.

 

I believe I made sure to say that I deserve the guilt. I also said this:

"Backstory, my husband has been emotionally absent from the marriage for the past two years. One year ago, after I caught him having an emotional affair with an old high school friend, I somewhat checked out of the marriage. I know that by him doing this, does not justify my actions, but I did not feel all that great having everyone that sees this thread thinking I'm some callous, bored, attention seeking woman."

 

So no, I was not blameshifting. I was giving a small reason of where my mind was at.

[beach]

I do not have STDs. We used protection.

 

Did your mouth ever touch his penis?