Jump to content

Just when you're starting to move on...


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

5-months since she pulled the plug on our 3-year relationship and after the spending the last 3-months in no contact, I am getting to a better place without her in my life and assumed she was happily moving on with hers.

 

You know what they say about assumptions...

 

I woke up this morning and saw I received a text from my ex around 3 in the morning today, saying "Miss you". Luckily, I had a pretty heavy night of drinking last night so was already "asleep" when she sent this.

 

So as I'm thinking about what I can get for lunch that will help the hangover from the previous night she sends another text, "Sorry. Drunk."

 

I'm not reading anything into these two texts and am certainly not going to respond (she'll have to do a hell of a lot better for that!). But I have to admit it was a bit of an ego boost because clearly I'm still on her mind and things might not be working out as well for her as she anticipated.

 

I don't have any expectations of this going anywhere and am going to keep moving on in my life without her, but to the extent a possible reconciliation might happen I feel the balance of power is shifting.

 

Reflecting on my personal situation going through this over the past five months I see a couple of things:

 

1) When I got the rug pulled out from under me out of the blue I was absolutely shattered, worst experience of my life. However, there was nowhere for me to go but up. My ex didn't want the r/s anymore and there was nothing I could do but exit her life completely.

 

2) For my ex however, she obviously saw some potential "better" opportunity causing her to end it with me. Initially, she probably was very happy with whatever it is she's been up to post-breakup.

 

I'm not perfect (who is?) but I know that in general I was a very supportive partner for her. The ex is finding that out now and while I'm happily getting myself back without her, she is starting to realize what she so callously threw away.

 

3) No Contact: Ya, this is really the only way to go when your world has been upended. It is hard as **** at first, but if you are able to objectively look at the situation it is all you can do. It gives you the ability to re-center yourself, gives the ex the ability to find out (for better or worse) what they threw away.

 

It is hard to see at first but like everyone on here says No Contact allows you to move on without the ex in your life and puts you in a better situation to figure out if there is any chance of a possible "second chance" (assuming the ex approaches you).

 

Just my thoughts, but to everyone, hang in there and FOCUS ON YOU!

 

Trick

  • Like 12
Posted

I'm so happy you didn't respond to the first text!! :cool:

Posted

Nice! Well done. Great avice. Thanks for sharing.

Posted

She still loves you, naturally. I did the same with my ex. I was with him just as long as you were with your ex. He did the same thing, sending drunk texts and I would send him drunk texts. We would then apologize the next day, oh sorry we were drunk. You guys clearly love each other.

  • Like 2
Posted

And p.s sorry if i'm coming off rude, but you don't need to be all like, oh look at what she's lost. That honestly irritates me. You're in the same boat just as her. You lost HER too…. She's probably someone amazing too. I mean, why the **** were you with her the past three years!?! You guys BOTH lost each other. Both your losses. Not just her loss.

Posted
And p.s sorry if i'm coming off rude, but you don't need to be all like, oh look at what she's lost. That honestly irritates me. You're in the same boat just as her. You lost HER too…. She's probably someone amazing too. I mean, why the **** were you with her the past three years!?! You guys BOTH lost each other. Both your losses. Not just her loss.

 

well, she did dump him, and he is on here, im pretty sure he does realise what he lost. i think what he means is that he realises that she now also realises what she lost.

 

Its a bit of a different feeling too, if you get dumped it sucks but you can move on without regret because barring there being a specific reason you broke up there wasn't really anything you could've done, especially if you were blindsided by them 'not being sure or loving you but not being in love with you'.

 

If you dump someone and then realise life is not so rosy it can eat you up because in this case you know, you could've done something, you doubt your decision and maybe have to live with regret for a while, especially if the person you dumped goes from strength to strength and continues to be happy in their life.

 

It's two different kinds of moving on, one is like getting cut, it hurts immediately but as soon as its done it starts healing and before long its ok even if there's a scar. the other is like pulling a muscle at the gym, you might feel a twinge at the time but don't realise anything is wrong until you wake up the next morning seized up. But that too will heal in time.

  • Like 5
Posted
And p.s sorry if i'm coming off rude, but you don't need to be all like, oh look at what she's lost. That honestly irritates me. You're in the same boat just as her. You lost HER too…. She's probably someone amazing too. I mean, why the **** were you with her the past three years!?! You guys BOTH lost each other. Both your losses. Not just her loss.

 

You are right that it's both dumpee and dumper's losses, but you forget that both do not suffer loss at the same time intervals.

 

The OP as the dumpee, suffered loss, but his loss was the greatest because he was the one who got dumped and had to go through a long NC healing process. It's been 5 months and he's healed. His ex decided to come out of the woods after 5 months of silence to say she misses him? Well guess what? It wasn't his fault she didn't want him. She could have well have had GIGS and took the easy way out.

 

Where was she when he was the one suffering from heart break? Where was she when he was wishing and hoping she come back?

 

The only loss the dumper experiences now is dumper's remorse. It's a loss, but it's certainly not the same as trying to mend a broken heart of losing someone you loved.

  • Like 3
Posted

I'm 3 months broken up, our situations sound similar.

 

Cheers to keeping our heads on straight and managing expectations.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thanks to all of you that have responded.

 

Mari,

 

I think I dodged a potential bullet with that initial text. I was pretty drunk that night and I'm not sure what my response might have been if I had been awake when she sent it.

 

Greenfairie,

 

Thanks for your thoughts as well, but I don't agree with what you posted. Me and my ex have not been sending drunken texts back and forth. This is the first I've heard from her in the past three months.

 

Maybe my initial post comes across as "oh look at what she's lost" but that's not the intent of my posting this. You are right we did both lose each other, but she was the one that caused this loss with the breakup out of the blue. That loss hurt like hell for me, but all I could do was move forward without her.

 

Over the past five months I've done a ton of reflecting on what happened and my role in it ending. Like I said I'm not perfect but her leaving out of the blue without a chance to try and address the problems on both our ends and her lack of giving me any kind of thanks or appreciation for all I gave her during the three years we were together destroyed me five months ago.

 

When something is destroyed you do your best to rebuild, which having no other option is what I have been doing with myself. Initially it hurts and is hard but piece by piece you rebuild who you are and at some point down the road get yourself back.

 

Solely based on my experience, I think what might be going on for my ex is a slow realization of what she tossed aside. As I've been picking up the shattered pieces she has to deal with what she discarded and may not be finding with whatever she's been looking for.

 

We both "lost" each other but as the dumpee in my situation all I can do is move up without her. On the other hand she has to face what she threw away.

 

Trick

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted
I'm 3 months broken up, our situations sound similar.

 

Cheers to keeping our heads on straight and managing expectations.

 

Thanks and hang in there, it gets easier as time passes.

Posted

Hi Trick,

 

Same thing happened to me this weekend. You can see my recent post as well. Almost 5 1/2 months since she ended our 1.4 year relationship, she suddenly feels it's ok to show up and ring my door bell to "apologize" to me for being a lousy girlfriend. Really? She then texted.

 

I agree that it is an ego boost when we get dumped to have the dumper reappear and try to engage in dialogue with us. It's feels pretty terrible to love someone and for them to say they don't want us in their lives anymore. It hurts like hell. Well, they made that decision. Now, we have the power to let them back in our lives by communicating with them or not. My ex was a nasty person to me the last couple of months. Her text got ignored and any further attempt will also be ignored. She made her decision and kicked me out of her life and the life's of her children that I fell in love with for no reason other than her own selfish reasons and her issues.

 

They say once a relationship breaks up, that is was broken. I totally agree with this. The ex and I broke up several times and there was clearly reasons for it. My new girlfriend of 3 months and I have had zero issues and only reinforce what a GOOD relationship should be like.

 

I hope you continue to give your ex the cold shoulder. Reconciliations almost NEVER work out. I had a buddy who got dumped, his ex reappeared a few months later. He agreed to meet up with her. He had sex with her and then blew her off and hasn't spoken to her sense. It's called Karma and she got hers...

  • Like 1
Posted
Like I said I'm not perfect but her leaving out of the blue without a chance to try and address the problems on both our ends and her lack of giving me any kind of thanks or appreciation for all I gave her during the three years we were together destroyed me five months ago.

 

I can totally relate to this. In hind sight, I was an incredibly supportive partner. Especially toward the end when she was (unknown to me) contemplating leaving. I know you are never supposed to give with the expectation of receiving, but the lack of any apology or sign of appreciation hurt. Still does.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

Rec,

 

The lack of appreciation has been by far the most hurtful thing for me. I sacrificed so much for the ex and stuck by her side during the 3 years we were together and for her not to at least acknowledge that cut me to the core when she pulled the plug.

 

We still had a month on our lease when the ex decided she didn't want the r/s anymore but told me she still wanted to keep living with me for the next month. That was the point I walked away and later in the evening told her there was no way that was happening.

 

After that there were a couple months where she hoped we could meet and "talk", about what I don't know. I avoided these meetings and I think she was using my lack of closure on her part to keep me hooked.

 

Five months later the pain is still there, but more importantly is I realize I'll probably never get the closure or acknowledgement but I can deal with it.

 

Trick

  • Like 2
Posted
Rec,

 

The lack of appreciation has been by far the most hurtful thing for me. I sacrificed so much for the ex and stuck by her side during the 3 years we were together and for her not to at least acknowledge that cut me to the core when she pulled the plug.

 

We still had a month on our lease when the ex decided she didn't want the r/s anymore but told me she still wanted to keep living with me for the next month. That was the point I walked away and later in the evening told her there was no way that was happening.

 

After that there were a couple months where she hoped we could meet and "talk", about what I don't know. I avoided these meetings and I think she was using my lack of closure on her part to keep me hooked.

 

Five months later the pain is still there, but more importantly is I realize I'll probably never get the closure or acknowledgement but I can deal with it.

 

Trick

 

So sorry to hear what you have been through.

Posted

Ya, I'm even further removed from the BU than you and it still hurts. I've tried to figure out why and you basically nailed it: "I'm not perfect". If I were, I'd be able to smile knowing I had such a positive impact on another's life. But I guess it's the feeling of being given up on, that your best wasn't good enough for them, that I'm struggling to see past. Who are they to take advantage of my kindness? It leaves a lot of room for resentment.

 

You and I sound a lot alike. Hang in there. The fact that she doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you made tells me she was emotionally immature and probably not deserving of your friendship.

Posted

Wow this thread is extremely similar to my situation. Just like the OP I was not perfect either. I was in a depression slump for a few months because of my job and acted irrationally and was not nice at times but instead of talking through things or supporting me my ex left without warning after a 4 1/2 year r/s, we lived together as well.

 

I'm 2 1/2 months post breakup and over a month of NC, sadly I hope I get a drunk text like you, not because I want her back but for the satisfaction of knowing that I'm still on her mind and maybe she regrets what she did. I know it does not matte but I think most people here would smile if their ex realized they ****ed up.

 

Knowing that you healed after 5 months gives me hope, I still think of her everyday and am still coping but I'm glad I have got to the point where I blocked her Facebook and avoid any urges of trying to find out what's going on in her life either through friends fb or asking family members who can still see her profile. At least now I can get drunk and not have to give my phone to a friend so I don't try to contact her or look for clues of what/how she is doing.

Posted

Thank you for this. I am having to undergo NC after being pretty much abandoned by someone I thought I had been building a relationship with via online during the past several weeks; only to have him disappear for several days at a time and reappear with some vague explanation.

 

I am only on day 3 on NC and am reminded of how hard those first few days of NC can be. Had I not undergone NC with another ex years ago (thanks to this site) I would be even worse off than I am now.

Posted

I'm also 5 months post breakup of a 3 year relationship, and 3 months into NC. I haven't heard from the ex, but glad to see you doing so well and you have me wondering if I would be so strong as to not reply to a text from my ex, and giving me inspiration to be as strong as you have been here. Thanks!

  • Author
Posted

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. This place has been a huge resource for me.

 

I do think I dodged a bullet by being more or less passed out when the text came through. I'd like to think I wouldn't have responded but last time this happened three months ago I told her to f-off and felt horrible about my response.

 

I would also like to say that I still have my rough patches, had one a couple weeks ago where I just couldn't get her off my mind. So while these emotional feelings still come flooding in on occasion they are nowhere as intense or as long in duration as they were during the first couple of months post-bu.

 

I suspect that I haven't heard the last from her but can see I can ignore these meaningless texts from her. If something serious comes along from her, well at that point I'll be in a better position to evaluate things.

 

I'll keep you posted if anything further develops and stick to NC it does get easier.

 

Trick

  • Like 1
Posted
Rec,

 

The lack of appreciation has been by far the most hurtful thing for me. I sacrificed so much for the ex and stuck by her side during the 3 years we were together and for her not to at least acknowledge that cut me to the core when she pulled the plug.

 

We still had a month on our lease when the ex decided she didn't want the r/s anymore but told me she still wanted to keep living with me for the next month. That was the point I walked away and later in the evening told her there was no way that was happening.

 

After that there were a couple months where she hoped we could meet and "talk", about what I don't know. I avoided these meetings and I think she was using my lack of closure on her part to keep me hooked.

 

Five months later the pain is still there, but more importantly is I realize I'll probably never get the closure or acknowledgement but I can deal with it.

 

Trick

 

 

Really sorry about what you're going through. She sounds like the way she handled it was cold. I have to admit, when I ended my relationship with my ex bf who I was with for 4 1/2 years… I just abruptly ended it out of nowhere. It was like we fought over something petty and then the next thing I said, I want this to be over. I look back and I see that I've been holding in my frustrations with the relationship for months and felt we both weren't growing.. Something HAD to give. I thought ending the relationship was the best thing for the both of us. I think I was kind of in a state of shock too going through all the motions. I cut off everybody. I was still in pain though, but kept telling everyone how happy I was and how much better it is without the ex. We still kept being friends too and we spent a week together before he left to go out of state for the summer. I bawled the night before he left. I think that was when it really hit me, so I didn't date anyone for the whole summer, waited for him to come back, picked him up from the airport and everything was back to where we were. Little did I know, he was starting to date MY best friend. That absolutely destroyed me. I really thought I was going to die or something because I never imagined being in such a world of pain because of two people I once loved and trusted…. Today, I'm stronger than ever. I do still miss/love and ALWAYS will care for my ex. I'm sure she feels the same but just cannot express it in the best way she can. It's SO hard. I couldn't communicate to my ex how I really felt except for showing him affection. I'm the worst with words, and maybe she is too :/

I'm sorry if my post came off like Oh you're only saying you're suffering and she isn't. I didn't mean it to come off like that. I think my frustrations came from my OWN personal experiences with my ex bf blaming the entire relationship on me, assuming I didn't give a **** or didn't appreciate him enough. That's bull****. It kind of sucks because once you're an ex, you put a wall up that you won't let the ex see how heartbroken and hurt you are.

  • Like 1
Posted

And hey, NC DOES truly get easier. I didn't believe it at first. It felt TOO ****ing hard. I was like, how the **** does one do this??? But keep yourself surrounded with good company. I kept myself busy for months and I couldn't believe how time flew by like that. I do not feel tempted any more to text him or to even respond. I'm in the state of mind where I'm like, "I feel okay not sending a message or not replying to his message for months..maybe even years!" A year ago, I wouldn't have felt like that because it was all so emotionally raw for me…. If I think about it deep enough, it still does make me tear up a bit. It's really sad.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

No worries Greenfaire,

 

Thanks for a bit of background about your breakup and what you've dealt with in the aftermath. There's not a lot of comments from people that ended the r/s and post here regretting it. So thanks for that, I value the input.

 

Ya, the way my ex ended it was cold. For a couple weeks while the ex was moving out she kept wanting to meet and talk. I was a mess and after leaving a couple of hand written notes on the table about how I loved her and the past three years we were together but wanted her to be happy and wished her the best of luck I pretty much cut it off.

 

I never received a note of thanks or appreciation for all the crap I did for her during those three years. All I got was I hope we can talk when you're ready.

 

Screw that.

 

The ex broke the r/s and if she wants it back it's on her to fix it. I'm ignoring her moving on and suggest the same to all the other dumpees.

 

Trick

  • Like 1
Posted

I would look at it like, you got a text saying that she missed you. The, you received a text the following day saying. "Sorry, drunk". Thus, it tells me that she didn't mean it. It was a drunkin mistake and that text should have never been sent.

 

Continue to move on dude.

Posted
I never received a note of thanks or appreciation for all the crap I did for her during those three years.

 

As much as I know that stuff sounds great, it's better that you didn't.

 

In situations like this, gratitude is just a wolf in sheep's clothing. It sneaks behind your defenses and jabs you where it hurts most.

  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...