NJtoDC Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 She has her own vision of her ideal man in her own mind but feel for whatever reason he is currently beyond her reach so settles for you out of desperation but she will continue to lust after her ideal man as being with you isn't what will truly make her happy. She may also have alot of self-esteem issues and develop a resentment towards you as her relationship with you is just a reminder to her of how unattractive she is so that she has to settle for a "loser" instead of if she were just more beautiful being with her real prince charming . In the end basically the relationship falls apart or just isn't all that satisfying at all for both people. And the same thing basically works with both genders. Anyway what do you think about this subject, I'm curious. If we talk superficially I can't relate as a woman to lusting after the hot stud I'm not with. I think women tend to value character over looks when it comes to long term relationships. You want a man who will be a pleasant mate, a cooperative partner, a good father, a diligent worker, and a faithful husband. If your average looking Joe treats you well, I think most women will think their husband hung the moon and be very attracted to him. Now if she settles in character quality or important expectations that are not being met? No matter how hot that man is she will likely regret her settling for a man who doesn't met her needs, one of which is not a pretty face to look at. In the end, if we compromise on the things that mean the most to us, the things that make us truly happy and content (out of desperation, not knowing any better, impatience) we are settling in the negative way that can lead to breakups if we ever get our head clear and our self worth out the gutter- whatever the cause. Are most men that focused on looks over character? I know we talk with that generalization, but I truly hope it's not the rule but the exception.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) THIS is what you want and how you and your partner should feel! Not... "She / He is great but they are average looking or fat / overweight..." Holy Crap! How is it even possible to think / feel / marry someone you feel that way towards?!?!?! Why so much importance on the physical? Not everyone is going to end up with their idea of "hot" If you are unattracted to your SO then you probably settled. And why can't someone say that their SO is fat/overweight? Is it bad to be with someone who is overweight? Is it bad if someone finds overweight attractive? Why does mentioning the partner is fat automatically mean they settled? It's just being honest. Edited November 10, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus
NJtoDC Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I'm not sure what post you're referring to but I wanted to respond. And why can't someone say that their SO is fat/overweight? Sometimes in these types of threads (not this one) a shallow person so focused on looks, status, and 'settling' below their league may well dismiss the input of someone who is fit and has a fluffy wife. They judge the poster as settling for not holding out for a standard the OP alone holds and projects on others. In the real world I would hope a husband (in particular) wouldn't go around talking about his wife's weight issues. In our society calling your wife fat is not a desirable thing. I did see, however, a farmer in Kenya being interviewed who dreamed with pride of having "a fat cow and a fat wife", a thing of beauty and status in his culture...I love me some Kenyan men...lol. So to call your wife fat in public would be to put her down for her physical appearance. Now if you said to your friend, "Mannn, my new girl has some sexy ham hocks!" you are complimenting her for her thick thighs. Totally different. It's just disloyal to talk bad on our partner and it totally depends on how we feel about their appearance and how we talk about them. Now if you love your wife and are worried about her well being you could gently and lovingly broach the subject if you must. It could be hard because society and the media sets high expectations for the appearance of women. We are told overweight is unattractive. But if someone was really worried about their wife they can do their best to reassure their SO of their unconditional love and support, that they still (hopefully) think they are beautiful but are just concerned. Is it bad to be with someone who is overweight? Of course not. Is it bad if someone finds overweight attractive? Of course not. There's someone for everyone!
xxoo Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 In regard to the topic of settling...how do you ever know you're not settling...? The most you can do is speculate... Because this person lights you up like no one else, and you think you're the luckiest person the world to have them. Even if they're fat. 2
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I'm not sure what post you're referring to but I wanted to respond. And why can't someone say that their SO is fat/overweight? Sometimes in these types of threads (not this one) a shallow person so focused on looks, status, and 'settling' below their league may well dismiss the input of someone who is fit and has a fluffy wife. They judge the poster as settling for not holding out for a standard the OP alone holds and projects on others. In the real world I would hope a husband (in particular) wouldn't go around talking about his wife's weight issues. In our society calling your wife fat is not a desirable thing. I did see, however, a farmer in Kenya being interviewed who dreamed with pride of having "a fat cow and a fat wife", a thing of beauty and status in his culture...I love me some Kenyan men...lol. So to call your wife fat in public would be to put her down for her physical appearance. Now if you said to your friend, "Mannn, my new girl has some sexy ham hocks!" you are complimenting her for her thick thighs. Totally different. It's just disloyal to talk bad on our partner and it totally depends on how we feel about their appearance and how we talk about them. Now if you love your wife and are worried about her well being you could gently and lovingly broach the subject if you must. It could be hard because society and the media sets high expectations for the appearance of women. We are told overweight is unattractive. But if someone was really worried about their wife they can do their best to reassure their SO of their unconditional love and support, that they still (hopefully) think they are beautiful but are just concerned. Is it bad to be with someone who is overweight? Of course not. Is it bad if someone finds overweight attractive? Of course not. There's someone for everyone! Yes, to call her fat in public during a conversation. This thread is a different situation. Saying you have an overweight wife in this context is not a mean thing. It served that person who said it to make his point. Simply stating your SO is overweight is NOT putting down her appearance... that's just the way some people are choosing to look at it. Edited November 10, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus
TheGuard13 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Settling is only a bad thing if it limits you somehow when you would otherwise prefer not to be, or, more to the point, if it makes you unhappy. People should be flexible, because life isn't a rigid, structured thing, and neither are relationships. 3
Author Necris Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Is your fiance 6 feet plus in height, bodybuilder, and a multi-millionaire? If not, you settled (according to some). I think Anna Kendrick is the hottest woman on the planet. Should I hold out for her even though I am pushing 50, bald, average ht, have an average income and am not some kind of big record-label producer or Hollywood director???? Should I force myself to live a life of celibacy and being alone because anyone I can attract is going to be pale compared to Anna???? Am I settling if I find a woman who is not Anna Kendrick hot and successful singer/actress but who is a good person, is perfectly healthy and attractive and who treats me well????? IMHO it depends on how you want to define "settling" if settling is someone who treats you bad, or is a drunk, or abusive, or addicted or is a lazy slouch, then yes, I think people should hold out until they can find someone who they at least have some warm feelings for and who is at least a decent person who treats them well. For some people that will be difficult and they will need to embark on some serious self-improvement. But I do think for some others, their expectations are simply unrealistic and they are waiting for someone who far outweighs what they themselves are bringing to the table. I will have to say when I say "settle", I mean to describe a situation where someone basically is in a relationship with someone because they feel they have no other options, not someone who is in a relationship with someone that isn't "perfect". Everybody who gets into a relationship isn't going to be with a perfect person since perfect people do not actually exist.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I will have to say when I say "settle", I mean to describe a situation where someone basically is in a relationship with someone because they feel they have no other options, not someone who is in a relationship with someone that isn't "perfect". Everybody who gets into a relationship isn't going to be with a perfect person since perfect people do not actually exist. With that clarification yes it's bad to settle. There are always choices
Author Necris Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 With that clarification yes it's bad to settle. There are always choices To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do?
boaaaar Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do?Save the freedom, time and money for something/anything else, no point in doing otherwise. If sex is really necessary, then just buy it.
NJtoDC Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do? If two people are that hard up what is wrong with them? Anyhow, perhaps a relationship of practically is the best they can do. Isn't this what marriage used to be like, and still is in some cultures? A practical arraignment, feelings and attraction being novelties. My question would be are they happier together than alone? If it's bad personalities it seems to me it would be hard to get along. If you are both just unattractive to others and each other? Perhaps you can get along and care for one another. What a sad scenario. Glad this is atypical.
crederer Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 It's too broad of a question to get a legit answer. To some people, settling means getting with someone that doesn't hit every check mark on their "want" list. To others, settling means being with a total jack off because they're afraid to be alone. To others, it means their partner isn't good looking enough for them. In general, I think it's fine to "settle" (I hate using that word in this context) with someone that doesn't fit your desires in the looks department but not to settle with someone that treats you poorly. I've been with really beautiful women and women that are not exactly considered the greatest looking by societal standards. The reality is, either way, it doesn't make much of a difference to me in the overall relationship. 1
xxoo Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do? Focus on other things. People live without romantic relationships for year quite happily. Don't get into a relationship that is unsatisfying just to be in one. On the other hand, if it IS satisfying, who cares if she is attractive? If she's warm and soft, and the sex is good, and you love being around her, that's not settling. That's the good stuff.
GoodOnPaper Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do? You could give dating a shot but I would think that such a relationship where neither partner is very motivated would fizzle out on its own at some point. I only picture this sort of thing in a let's-get-together-if-we're-both-still-single-at-40 situation. If it would be a relationship of practicality, then a bad personality would be the big dealbreaker.
Author Necris Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Save the freedom, time and money for something/anything else, no point in doing otherwise. Agreed that seems like the rational response except most people will still feel a sense of loneliness and a need for companionship hence the reason why people settle. If sex is really necessary, then just buy it. That kind of reminds me of a show I watched where it was talking about lonely men buying $7000 sex dolls. But even then unless sex is really all you care about you'll still be lonely and feeling the need for companionship.
StanMusial Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 To further explain as an example let's say you are a guy can't seem to ever get a relationship going or even dates in years, always rejected, lonely, and from your perspective you can't see any choices at all anywhere. You then meet a girl you quite honestly don't find very attractive at all (could be a bad personality or unattractive looks or both doesn't really matter) but she isn't rejecting you either so what is this guy to do? The girl on the otherhand probably is in a similar predicament and may not really feel the guy is all that attractive either, but she is lonely. To clarify this isn't a personal situation with myself, but anyway what would you do? So in other words, sort of a last man/woman on earth sort of scenario. If there are really, truly, no other options, then you're not "settling" - you can only "settle" on a choice, if there are choices. That is reality - you could always choose to live in a fantasy land where you constantly daydream of the ideal mate, but sleep in a cold bed every night.
Author Necris Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 So in other words, sort of a last man/woman on earth sort of scenario. If there are really, truly, no other options, then you're not "settling" - you can only "settle" on a choice, if there are choices. That is reality - you could always choose to live in a fantasy land where you constantly daydream of the ideal mate, but sleep in a cold bed every night. So what you are saying is settling is when you have the choice between being with the person you really want and the person you aren't attracted to but for some reason you go for the person you aren't attracted to? That wouldn't make any rational logical sense. If you had the option on going on a date with the pretty funny girl or the obnoxious abrasive not so attractive girl why would you ever "settle" and go out with option #2 instead of option#1? And sense it doesn't make sense and assuming we are talking about rational people here then truly no one actually ever settles?
StanMusial Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 So what you are saying is settling is when you have the choice between being with the person you really want and the person you aren't attracted to but for some reason you go for the person you aren't attracted to? That wouldn't make any rational logical sense. If you had the option on going on a date with the pretty funny girl or the obnoxious abrasive not so attractive girl why would you ever "settle" and go out with option #2 instead of option#1? And sense it doesn't make sense and assuming we are talking about rational people here then truly no one actually ever settles? The way you explained it, there was no Option #1. Unless you kidnap her.
StanMusial Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 The way you explained it, there was no Option #1. Unless you kidnap her. By the way, don't do that. 2
Author Necris Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 The way you explained it, there was no Option #1. Unless you kidnap her. lol, im just saying from your explanation it seems you are saying settling truly doesn't exist since no one would go after the person they don't want if they have other options.
StanMusial Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 lol, im just saying from your explanation it seems you are saying settling truly doesn't exist since no one would go after the person they don't want if they have other options. No, my explanation is if you have only one option then you aren't settling. This is all theoretical anyway. Look at it this way, some people truly have FEW options. So choosing between them means, if they "settle", it's not by much. Meaning, they choose the best of poor options. It is what it is.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Is your fiance 6 feet plus in height, bodybuilder, and a multi-millionaire? If not, you settled (according to some). Well, he is 6'4. Don't care for the body builder aesthetic, but my fiancé is fit. He's not a millionaire, but he does very well as a physician. Interestingly, none of those things are in the top of my list of reasons why I think he's wonderful.
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