Bad to settle?

[Necris]

Now this isn't anything personal about myself or anything but the other day I was just reading some article saying men shouldn't settle when it comes to getting a relationship and detailing some reasons why.

 

Basically the article was saying if you are going after a woman you think is unattractive because the women you actually are attracted to for whatever reason are unobtainable (they constantly reject you, they are all taken, whatever reason) chances are she also feels the same way about you even if she isn't directly expressing these feelings. She has her own vision of her ideal man in her own mind but feel for whatever reason he is currently beyond her reach so settles for you out of desperation but she will continue to lust after her ideal man as being with you isn't what will truly make her happy. She may also have alot of self-esteem issues and develop a resentment towards you as her relationship with you is just a reminder to her of how unattractive she is so that she has to settle for a "loser" instead of if she were just more beautiful being with her real prince charming . In the end basically the relationship falls apart or just isn't all that satisfying at all for both people.

 

And the same thing basically works with both genders.

 

Anyway what do you think about this subject, I'm curious.

[Necris]

Settling is for idiotic chumps with some issues.

 

Is being alone while waiting for a "great one" really that bad?

 

I hope all you dads reading this start hugging your kids more and Moms make sure you give them plenty of lap time. Otherwise your kids will think they are worthless and be open to settling.

 

Oh but this is also very common, I hear of settling alot.

 

Also funnily enough if a guy who isn't attracted to let's say overweight/obese women and says he'll never settle for one he's considered to be a very shallow individual.

[heartshaped]

I think people that tend to "settle" have unrealistic expectations of their partners.

[Kate9292]

Of course you shouldn't settle.

 

Put yourself in other person shoes. Would you think your gf would be happy to hear that you don't really like her, but you are afraid of being alone and can't do any better?

 

Or would you like it if it was your gf who settled for you but secretly wanted someone else all along?

 

Funny thing about relationships is that it isn't just about YOU, YOU and only YOU. There is other person there too and you have to consider them as well.

[GoodOnPaper]

I don't buy the premise of the article. Women have a very strong sense of whether they are into someone and they aren't going to commit a lifetime to someone unless they think they are really into him. After years of being rejected and getting half-hearted dating/relationship efforts from women, all of a sudden I met my wife who stuck to me like glue even though she was much more into me than I was into her.

 

I also think "settling" is not nearly the black-and-white issue that it's presented as on LS. No one is going to date someone they are truly unattracted to -- it's more an issue of dealing with conflicting feelings. My wife is very overweight by LS standards, but she has great skin, a proportionate figure and a very feminine personality that lights up a room. Of course, being a young, insecure 20-something who's too focused on external validation, I was very concerned about how I would be viewed for having an overweight gf. In the long run, that was a silly worry. Now we're trying to navigate middle age - with all the household and child raising issues - just as the couples who started out with crazy physical chemistry are. There are different challenges but actually LIKING my wife is not one of them. I'm constantly surprised how difficult that seems to be for a lot of long-term couples.

[d0nnivain]

Compromising your fundamental principles is bad. realigning your unrealistic expectations is not settling.

 

In college a friend of mine decided that she wanted to marry a well muscled man who was at least 6 feet tall, was well educated, looked as good in jeans as in a tuxedo, who was commmitted to his family, was a sparkling conversationalist and was a multi-millionaire who loved to travel. As we got older she added to that list -- no kids, never been married & a full head of hair.

 

Approaching 50 I have suggested to her that she needed to re-evaluate her criteria. She has to a very limited extent: she dated a billionaire who was under 6 feet & had adult children. When they got together he told her his deal breakers & one of them was that he would never introduce her to his kids. At first she said OK then pushed & pushed to be included in family holidays that he finally ended it. She continues to evaluate men based on their incomes.

 

Yes, I think she ought to change her standards & "settle" for a mere mortal who isn't perfect or she really will die alone.

[soccerrprp]

People who succumb to the pressure of having a relationship out of some NEED/DESPERATION are the ones that settle.

 

I'm dating a woman who would be considered average in body type. I have and still would have the option of dating a woman who is slim or athletic build. I prefer women who are slim/athletic. Have I settled? Hell no!

 

People who, with open eyes, choose to accept a person that does not meet all of their idealistic criteria are not settling. They are being realistic and opening themselves to finding real love.

[irc333]

Is it BAD to settle. Not necessarily, because this author on the TODAY Show states that it may not be necessarily bad to settle on "Mr. Good Enough" as opposed to "Mr Right".

 

The author mainly is dealing with the issues with women overly focused on crap that doesn't matter when it comes to a finding a mate for a serious relationship, but to focus on what DOES matter to them.

 

 

 

 

 

Now this isn't anything personal about myself or anything but the other day I was just reading some article saying men shouldn't settle when it comes to getting a relationship and detailing some reasons why.

 

Basically the article was saying if you are going after a woman you think is unattractive because the women you actually are attracted to for whatever reason are unobtainable (they constantly reject you, they are all taken, whatever reason) chances are she also feels the same way about you even if she isn't directly expressing these feelings. She has her own vision of her ideal man in her own mind but feel for whatever reason he is currently beyond her reach so settles for you out of desperation but she will continue to lust after her ideal man as being with you isn't what will truly make her happy. She may also have alot of self-esteem issues and develop a resentment towards you as her relationship with you is just a reminder to her of how unattractive she is so that she has to settle for a "loser" instead of if she were just more beautiful being with her real prince charming . In the end basically the relationship falls apart or just isn't all that satisfying at all for both people.

 

And the same thing basically works with both genders.

 

Anyway what do you think about this subject, I'm curious.

[oldshirt]

I think Anna Kendrick is the hottest woman on the planet.

 

Should I hold out for her even though I am pushing 50, bald, average ht, have an average income and am not some kind of big record-label producer or Hollywood director????

 

Should I force myself to live a life of celibacy and being alone because anyone I can attract is going to be pale compared to Anna????

 

Am I settling if I find a woman who is not Anna Kendrick hot and successful singer/actress but who is a good person, is perfectly healthy and attractive and who treats me well?????

 

IMHO it depends on how you want to define "settling" if settling is someone who treats you bad, or is a drunk, or abusive, or addicted or is a lazy slouch, then yes, I think people should hold out until they can find someone who they at least have some warm feelings for and who is at least a decent person who treats them well.

 

For some people that will be difficult and they will need to embark on some serious self-improvement.

 

But I do think for some others, their expectations are simply unrealistic and they are waiting for someone who far outweighs what they themselves are bringing to the table.

[NJtoDC]

My wife is very overweight by LS standards, but she has great skin, a proportionate figure and a very feminine personality that lights up a room. Of course, being a young, insecure 20-something who's too focused on external validation, I was very concerned about how I would be viewed for having an overweight gf. In the long run, that was a silly worry. Now we're trying to navigate middle age - with all the household and child raising issues - just as the couples who started out with crazy physical chemistry are. There are different challenges but actually LIKING my wife is not one of them. I'm constantly surprised how difficult that seems to be for a lot of long-term couples.

 

 

I love this. I get it. I am overweight. My BF loves me, likes my body. I have fleeting thoughts of "what will his friends think of him? If they aren't impressed with me how will it affect his view of me? Will he be proud to show me off as his woman?"

 

It's a shame to even think it but the worry is rooted in truth. Many people are critical of others, and assess their value, based on the external. Some times I think it take a thick skin to have a thick body...lol.

[StanMusial]

It seems to me that if you're unwilling to compromise here and there that you're basically hoping to hit the numbers in the lottery. That you have some incredible ideal in your mind that is not based in reality.

 

I think everyone comes to terms with it on their own timetable and in their own way. I know there are a lot of inexperienced guys on here that piss and moan that they can't find a girl that looks a certain way - all I can say is when you pile hay onto the haystack it gets harder to find the needle. Same thing applies to the girls on here who can't really figure out what is important to them and maybe don't really want a real relationship anyway.

 

I guess I'm lucky. I was never that picky really LOL. I've ditched the hot sorority girls because I just didn't like their personality and I've dated the cute corporate girls/schoolteachers/nurses/salesladies with the funloving and real attitude and I never felt like I was "settling". I liked them until I didn't. LOL.

 

My gf now didn't go to college. She's smart as a whip though and ambitious with her life. Actually much more than almost all of the women I meet that are just treading water with advanced degrees and $100k of debt.

[irc333]

Right, eventually there MAY come a time for someone to throw away their silly laundry list.

 

I have a friend of mine, she said she threw away her list when she met a certain someone that she had known for a while. He was going through a divorce, but there was an attraction between them.

 

When his divorce was final, she asked him to lunch, after that they hit it off.

 

 

 

 

It seems to me that if you're unwilling to compromise here and there that you're basically hoping to hit the numbers in the lottery. That you have some incredible ideal in your mind that is not based in reality.

 

I think everyone comes to terms with it on their own timetable and in their own way. I know there are a lot of inexperienced guys on here that piss and moan that they can't find a girl that looks a certain way - all I can say is when you pile hay onto the haystack it gets harder to find the needle. Same thing applies to the girls on here who can't really figure out what is important to them and maybe don't really want a real relationship anyway.

 

I guess I'm lucky. I was never that picky really LOL. I've ditched the hot sorority girls because I just didn't like their personality and I've dated the cute corporate girls/schoolteachers/nurses/salesladies with the funloving and real attitude and I never felt like I was "settling". I liked them until I didn't. LOL.

 

My gf now didn't go to college. She's smart as a whip though and ambitious with her life. Actually much more than almost all of the women I meet that are just treading water with advanced degrees and $100k of debt.

[runningfar]

 

This sounds like one of the Suckers / "Nice" Guys I was speaking about earlier.

 

Why not hold out for someone who wasn't fat? Were you not "swift with the ladies" and didn't have many options?

 

.

 

And look where being a nice guy got you!!! Happily married! Enjoy the years of wedded happiness with someone who's company you still enjoy you have coming to you! Hahaha... Oh, wait... those things sound good...

[NJtoDC]

Settling is for idiotic chumps with some issues.

 

Is being alone while waiting for a "great one" really that bad?

 

I hope all you dads reading this start hugging your kids more and Moms make sure you give them plenty of lap time. Otherwise your kids will think they are worthless and be open to settling.

 

Do you mind if I ask you what defines a "great one" for you? How old are you? Are you looking for a good woman to settle down with?

[StanMusial]

I think Anna Kendrick is the hottest woman on the planet.

 

Should I hold out for her even though I am pushing 50, bald, average ht, have an average income and am not some kind of big record-label producer or Hollywood director????

 

Should I force myself to live a life of celibacy and being alone because anyone I can attract is going to be pale compared to Anna????

 

Am I settling if I find a woman who is not Anna Kendrick hot and successful singer/actress but who is a good person, is perfectly healthy and attractive and who treats me well?????

 

IMHO it depends on how you want to define "settling" if settling is someone who treats you bad, or is a drunk, or abusive, or addicted or is a lazy slouch, then yes, I think people should hold out until they can find someone who they at least have some warm feelings for and who is at least a decent person who treats them well.

 

For some people that will be difficult and they will need to embark on some serious self-improvement.

 

But I do think for some others, their expectations are simply unrealistic and they are waiting for someone who far outweighs what they themselves are bringing to the table.

 

And what if you were tall and handsome and rich, and met Anna Kedrrick, but she preferred dating musicans for some reason? Or she was married? If you dated someone else does that mean you settled?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I have found absolutely everything I could ever want in a partner in my fiancé - and I feel extremely lucky. Hopefully he feels the same way.

 

So based on personal experience, I'd say yes, it's bad to settle. If not for yourself, then for the partner you're "settling" for.

[xxoo]

For me, setting means not being in love. When I'm in love with someone, their good points become inflated and faults are minimized in my mind. I want to be with this person. Everyone else simply falls short.

 

People who settle are looking for something other than love, imo. They are looking for superficial qualities that will make them feel better about themselves.

[irc333]

For me, setting means not being in love. When I'm in love with someone, their good points become inflated and faults are minimized in my mind. I want to be with this person. Everyone else simply falls short.

 

People who settle are looking for something other than love, imo. They are looking for superficial qualities that will make them feel better about themselves.

 

Actually, it is the other way around. Those who are looking for love are not looking for superficial qualities, those that do settle have realized that they were being foolish in their expectations of what they seek in a mate.

[StanMusial]

I have found absolutely everything I could ever want in a partner in my fiancé - and I feel extremely lucky. Hopefully he feels the same way.

 

So based on personal experience, I'd say yes, it's bad to settle. If not for yourself, then for the partner you're "settling" for.

 

Is your fiance 6 feet plus in height, bodybuilder, and a multi-millionaire? If not, you settled (according to some).

[xxoo]

Actually, it is the other way around. Those who are looking for love are not looking for superficial qualities, those that do settle have realized that they were being foolish in their expectations of what they seek in a mate.

 

Those who settle wanted more than they got.

 

Those in love can't imagine wanting more.

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me, setting means not being in love. When I'm in love with someone, their good points become inflated and faults are minimized in my mind. I want to be with this person. Everyone else simply falls short.

 

People who settle are looking for something other than love, imo. They are looking for superficial qualities that will make them feel better about themselves.

 

That's how I see it. Settling is very black and white. You are either in love or you aren't. If you have to think about it, you aren't.

 

It's not about comparing some traits and finding the best....it's about an instinctive feeling that has nothing to do with measures and scales.

[soccerrprp]

You call it realistic... I call it settling but whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

Well, what YOU call settling is my being "settled" with the woman that I have found! Transcending my, once unnecessary criterion. AN AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT woman whose body "wasn't" my ideal of perfect, but made me realize I didn't need THAT kind of perfection.

 

Like I said, I could have continued dating other women who were slim/athletic, but why when I've found the woman I've fallen in love with?

 

And oh, yes, I sleep VERY WELL AT NIGHT!

Edited November 10, 2013 by soccerrprp

[NJtoDC]

Well, what YOU call settling is my being "settled" with the woman that I have found! Transcending my, once unnecessary criterium. AN AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT woman whose body "wasn't" my ideal of perfect, but made me realize I didn't need THAT kind of perfection.

 

Like I said, I could have continued dating other women who were slim/athletic, but why when I've found the woman I've fallen in love with?

 

An oh, yes, I sleep VERY WELL AT NIGHT!

 

No one has mentioned one of the issues with focusing too much (didn't say not at all!) on physical features: beauty fades.

 

We all have different attributes that float our boat physically. We can all chose how high to set our expectations for looks and the external. Does she have to have a slim build, be shorter than me, perfect teeth, blue eyes, can I accept flaws or imperfections, physical limitations, etc.

 

I think most would find it reasonable to not settle for someone we are unattracted to and can't see every developing that attraction too. As a side, I wonder if a lot of men understand or experience growing in attraction that isn't there in the beginning, as they grow to know and love the charecter of their mate?

 

Anyhow, there is the average girl next door and Angelina Jolie. Both are attractive, how attractive on the outside is 'good enough'? How long do you chase an ideal that has a shelf life? When do you look for the true treasure of a good woman?

 

Why oh why is character, decorum, emotional maturity, stability, and virtue of the potential future mother of their children not a bigger topic of discussion? Is it an issue of looking for a quick lay, being shortsighted, shallow? I don't know. Every situation is different.

 

I've had choices of more attractive men who just so happened to also be more well off, and less attractive men who were just an average joe paying the rent. I chose the average Joe. Why? Because I prioritized what mattered most on my check list.

 

The guys who ranked higher on my prioritized list happened to be the guys who's values and character best met my expectations. If I had gone with the better looking, more well off men....I would have been settling.

Edited November 10, 2013 by NJtoDC

[USMCHokie]

In regard to the topic of settling...how do you ever know you're not settling...? The most you can do is speculate...

[NJtoDC]

In regard to the topic of settling...how do you ever know you're not settling...? The most you can do is speculate...

 

Great point! I was typing a long thoughtful post to a (now vanished) poster about this. It seems the more highly someone things of themselves for their looks, their status, their wealth- the more frustrated they are for not bagging the woman they 'deserve'.

 

They're like a item up for auction on ebay, who's owner things that item is very valuable. They set a high reserve price. They get some page views but little or no offers because others do not assess their value or the quality of their item as highly as they do. the buyers aren't valuing the seller at the price the seller things they deserve. You either lower your valuation or hold out for someone who things you are worth more than most do.

 

Continuing the analogy: If someone persistently can't sell their items it's likely not a lack of sophisticated enough buyers to know the items worth, its more likely the sellers perception is off. When you are trying to sell (or date) and you meet no success you can try changing the approach, the venue, the pics...eventually you will have to look at yourself and reevaluate. I think some call this....settling? It's a matter of perspective and humility.