Update on the Lying liar and the skank he cheated on me with

[Raena]

I think you are acting crazy and psycho by following her on twitter. She obviously knows this and knows how to upset you by posting stuff you are going to read and react to. Why are you giving her this power?

 

I have one issue with what you said. I don't think I'm acting crazy or psycho by any means. I haven't said anything directly to her... I'm not "following" her on there... I can go directly to http://www.twitter.com/hername and see what she is writing without having to follow her. I don't even have a twitter account anymore. The only way she will know that I'm looking is if he tells her so. That's what I need to stop doing. Stop telling him that I know what she is writing. She needs to go ahead and keep on with her stupid posts because I'm documenting all of it to use in court against him... and her if need be. She has no real way of knowing what I'm doing or saying otherwise. All she knows is what he is telling her and I'm sure the two of them are getting a big kick out of making me look and feel like a fool. That is very evident. This goes right back to other threads where the discussion is about why anyone would expect the BS to behave in a perfect manner. He hurt me, he continues to hurt me and she is helping him do it. I have every right to be upset that she is doing what she is doing. I also have every right to be angry with him too. I don't think anyone would expect me to not react at all to this. Looking at what she writes and documenting it is the best thing I can do for myself at this point. It may help me in the future to explain to the judge why she should not be around my son.

 

What I do agree with is that it does give her power. The power to know that she can hurt me. The fact that she likes doing it says something about her character.

[liloldlady]

 

Things were very good until 7 months ago when this girl he is now planning to be with contacted me on twitter.

 

So sounds like he didn't change, just got better at keeping his other girlfriends hidden until this one who has a big mouth and is rebellious. And now she's his fallback, getting him by default. Lovely.

 

What on earth were you thinking dating him for 11 years?! Red flag if he's not marrying you.

 

He has been lying to me for the past year and half or so. Everything that I thought was true about him... all the changes we made in our relationship to make things work... all of it was a lie.

 

He's been with her that long? And you didn't have a clue the whole time? Wow.

 

. He knew that I couldn't deal with that.

 

Wow, so you made him choose you over a child? And you did it to prove to the other woman he was with that you'd somehow won? Now here you are all over again. Same lesson, different cast of characters.

 

never told him he couldn't see this child, just not to expect me to help him raise him.

 

Wow. You've really compromised yourself, and for a long time. I would leave a man for some BS deceit like that.

 

Either way, this man has manipulated and lied to me repeatedly the entire time I've known him.

 

You don't believe you deserve better. Hope you do one day soon! Your son deserve to see Mommy happy and being treated well. You're his example of how he will treat a woman, so please do your part to perpetuate a positive cycle for future generations.

 

I was a fool to believe anything he ever said to me. I'd be a fool to believe anything he has to say to me now.

 

You'd be a fool to allow him the privilege to communicate with you beyond text and email.

 

 

Just when I thought things were going well enough for us to make the next step and get married

 

What on earth gave you that impression? After 11 years? Girl, please.

 

I'm thankful for the advice you all give me on here. I really am. This helps so much to have a place to talk about it and get things off my chest. I'm a mess right now in so many ways and talking about it, explaining what he did, how things have gone down...it helps.

 

You're welcome.

[liloldlady]

unfollow her on twitter

 

Oh, no, she's not following her on Twitter?! Right? Reading, yes; follow, noooo...

 

if they even care.

 

Sounds like they talk about her a lot.

[liloldlady]

I don't even have a twitter account anymore.

 

Don't tell me you deleted it because of this long, drawn out drama. So unnecessary.

 

The only way she will know that I'm looking is if he tells her so.

 

Yet another betrayal. He's mocking you. Stop telling him your business. He is not on your side!

 

That's what I need to stop doing. Stop telling him that I know what she is writing. She needs to go ahead and keep on with her stupid posts because I'm documenting all of it to use in court against him... and her if need be. She has no real way of knowing what I'm doing or saying otherwise. All she knows is what he is telling her and I'm sure the two of them are getting a big kick out of making me look and feel like a fool.

 

Stop giving them ammunition. Woman up and get him out today. He'll find somewhere to go. This has gone on waaaaay too long. Tomorrow is not promised. Life can be great! Go get you some happy.

 

He hurt me, he continues to hurt me and she is helping him do it.

 

Yeah, I mean it's really, really weird that you are on her radar at all. Isn't it him she's supposed to be interested in? I could see if she was being a friend to him as he transitioned from one relationship to another because of a decision he made, but that is not the case. I wouldn't insult high school kids by calling this "high schoolish". This goes beyond. Make your exit.

 

Looking at what she writes and documenting it is the best thing I can do for myself at this point. It may help me in the future to explain to the judge why she should not be around my son.

 

Stop dreaming and live in the present. The dad doesn't want to be around the kid for the time being. Why should she? You're plotting revenge subconsciously I think, but you are the only one you can control.

 

Keep reminding yourself: he is not a catch.

 

What I do agree with is that it does give her power. The power to know that she can hurt me. The fact that she likes doing it says something about her character.

 

Who cares about her character? She's a stranger to you.

[Ladydrib]

 

He had me half believing him. Seriously. I almost believed him. Why? Because he knows that in a few days I'm going to know the truth either way so why lie? I don't get it. Why lie to me about it if that is what he is doing? What's the point? I'm going to find out, so why not just tell me like it is? I don't get it. Why not just get all the cards on the table?

 

 

You are very strong to be able to see through all these lies and deceit and to be able to ground yourself in the truth. It is so easy to believe someone you've trusted for years, especially when it is a sutuation where the truth is a tragedy - a truth no one would ever want to face.

 

Who knows why he lies. I would guess it is because he is a coward and doesn't want to look you in the eye if he admits he continues to betray you. Whether he is staying or not, he is too much of a coward to be honest. Some people lie no matter how obvious the truth is. I admire your strength in seeing through him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm scared that you're my reflection in the crystal ball for a few years down the road.

 

I've been with my husband 8 years. Had the cheating, separation, drinking relapse and sobriety. Ugh. He's still draining although I do love him. (No other child from cheating though).

 

I've seen so much on this site. It seems the quicker you 180 and let them go, the better off you are even if you don't expect it.

 

It happened to me during my separation too.

It's like you think somehow, if you say the right words that suddenly he'll just be like: "oh yeah, you've got a point. I've been a total moron. I get why you don't want me, why you're so sick of this crap and I better stop acting like a teenage boy before I completely damage my kid. Lets work out this co-parenting plan."

 

But no, they have to sit there yelling about how "it's all you."

 

We have been together for 11 years. We lived together off and on and had a very rocky relationship the first 5 years. Then he cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son and got the other woman pregnant.

 

I moved away to another state to be closer to my family when our son was 4 months old. He came up here to see his son on his 1st birthday and begged me to let him stay and try to be a father to his son.

 

He quit drinking and to be honest... most of the past 6 years were pretty darn good. He attributed most of the bad things that happened to us on his drinking and he wasn't wrong, that did play a huge role in what happened back then.

 

Things were very good until 7 months ago when this girl he is now planning to be with contacted me on twitter. You'd have to go look at my first thread to see what I was going through with all of that.

 

He has been lying to me for the past year and half or so. Everything that I thought was true about him... all the changes we made in our relationship to make things work... all of it was a lie. I believed in him. I thought he really wanted to make things work and it really seemed like he was doing that. I was happy. Our son was happy. He seemed happy, but then he started drifting away, took a job working nights and was never here.

 

I knew when I took him back that I was risking him doing it all over again. So yes, I blame myself for that now. I shouldn't have done it, but he seemed so sincere and he really was bending over backwards to convince me that he wanted to make it work. We dealt with the situation with the other woman back then in a way that worked for all of us. She is now happily married to another man and it all worked out for all of us. He didn't spend time with that child though and I think he blames me for that. He knew that I couldn't deal with that. With him working nights, that would mean that I would have to take care of that child for him while he worked and I wasn't comfortable with that. I set my boundaries and told him that he couldn't cross that line... never told him he couldn't see this child, just not to expect me to help him raise him.

 

Either way, this man has manipulated and lied to me repeatedly the entire time I've known him. I was a fool to believe anything he ever said to me. I'd be a fool to believe anything he has to say to me now.

 

I take ownership in all of this. I blame myself for letting this man continually be a part of my life. That was my fault. I knew what a jerk he was and what he was capable of doing but I really wanted to believe that he could change.

 

I know now without a doubt that he will never change. He is who he is. I have to stop beating myself up over his behavior. The only thing I can do is recognize that the choices I made allowed this to happen. It's a really tough pill to swallow. To know that because I allowed him back that I allowed him the opportunity to hurt me again. It makes me not want to ever trust anyone again.

 

You all have no idea how good he is at convincing other people that his mistakes are your fault. You see it here in how I am blaming myself. The thing is, I do need to blame myself. I allowed it to happen and therefore I'm to blame.

 

I got complacent. I really started to trust in him and believe in him. Just when I thought things were going well enough for us to make the next step and get married I find out that nothing has really changed. I'm right back where I was 7 years ago, pregnant and he was cheating on me.

 

I'm thankful for the advice you all give me on here. I really am. This helps so much to have a place to talk about it and get things off my chest. I'm a mess right now in so many ways and talking about it, explaining what he did, how things have gone down...it helps.

[Raena]

Someone asked if I deleted the account because of her...

 

The reality is, I created that twitter account years ago and never used it. The only reason why I went and started using it now is because that twit harassed the only 2 friends of mine who happened to be following my account. Repeatedly sent them messages until they contacted me and told me that she was looking to talk to me. So...I searched around and figured out my password to get on there only to have her do this. I deleted it recently because it isn't something I use regularly anyhow.

[Raena]

So sounds like he didn't change, just got better at keeping his other girlfriends hidden until this one who has a big mouth and is rebellious. And now she's his fallback, getting him by default. Lovely.

 

What on earth were you thinking dating him for 11 years?! Red flag if he's not marrying you. He brought up the topic several times, it was my choice to not pursue marriage. I wasn't sure we were ready for that and I was right

 

 

 

He's been with her that long? And you didn't have a clue the whole time? Wow.He works nights M-F and then days on Sat and Sun. No I really didn't have any clue. I work days so I rarely got to see him. I had my suspicions, but no real proof. I thought it was just my old trust issues with him surfacing. Now that I know what happened and when, it started right around the same time that I started questioning where our relationship was going because he was being so distant. Now I know why

 

 

 

Wow, so you made him choose you over a child? And you did it to prove to the other woman he was with that you'd somehow won? Now here you are all over again. Same lesson, different cast of characters.

 

No, the situation wasn't really like that. I just didn't get into a long winded explanation of that... my post was long enough as it was. What really happened is, she got married while she was pregnant and told my ex that she didn't want him to be a part of the babies life. Then, when the child was 3 years old, she got divorced and came after my ex for child support. THEN she wanted us to take him for 6 months out of the year. I considered it, but because he was working nights at a different job than the one he has now, I would have been the one raising the child, not him and I didn't feel comfortable with that. She was another one who acted like a real psycho when the cheating was going on. I really considered it, but found that I couldn't do it and couldn't believe he was asking me to raise the child he created when he cheated. But, that's another post. She recently got married again and is asking for my ex to give up custody so her hubby can adopt him.

 

Wow. You've really compromised yourself, and for a long time. I would leave a man for some BS deceit like that.

 

 

 

You don't believe you deserve better. Hope you do one day soon! Your son deserve to see Mommy happy and being treated well. You're his example of how he will treat a woman, so please do your part to perpetuate a positive cycle for future generations.

 

 

 

You'd be a fool to allow him the privilege to communicate with you beyond text and email.

 

 

 

 

What on earth gave you that impression? After 11 years? Girl, please.

 

 

 

You're welcome.

 

There... see the bold comments in response to your thoughts. Thanks...

[OpheliaSong]

The OW is living rent free in your head. She would be so happy with that.

[Raena]

The OW is living rent free in your head. She would be so happy with that.

 

Ugh... I wish I could just get her the heck out!

 

Seriously though... the way this has all dragged out over months and months of questions and doubts and now finally the truth but yet there are still more truths to be told. I guess this is what people mean when they say "trickle down truth". It's driving me insane.

 

I suspect that I will feel much much better once he is finally gone.

 

Next order of business is to find another place for my son and I to live. I can't continue to live in this house with all these memories here. Darned if I didn't JUST sign the lease here last month though!

[jnj express]

Hey Raena----I know your H's lover is a lowlife/scum/POS-------BUT----you have no beef with her

 

Your beef is with one person and ONE PERSON ONLY---THE PERSON YOU TOOK VOWS WITH, THE PERSON WHO SAID THE WORDS THAT HE HAS YOUR BACK FOREVER (as in to have and to hold etc.)

 

So stop with the OW, and go where you need to go, and that is after your skanky POS H.---for he is even more of a lowlife, skanky POS., than his lover---cuz he is the one and only person, who is allowing all of this to happen---HIM AND ONLY HIM

 

As to who your H. allows around your kids---you do have a say so up until your Custody hearing-------google your state's family codes---and read everything there in all the sections-------you will then know, what any atty. knows, as this is where they get their info.---the only diff tween you and them, they go into court every day and practice their craft---you just need to know the law---and its there for the reading.

[Raena]

If what you say about your H is true and I believe you, and what he is saying to you, i was just reading about psychopaths and sociopaths, hard to believe, but they do live with us and lead apparently normal lives. The lying to get what they want.... that is the hardest to understand, they will say and do anything to get it:eek: and have no empathy for who they hurt.

 

Positive Poppy... you got it. I was thinking back over how he has been for as long as I've known him and then I spent some time talking to his ex-wife. Between the two of us, we've known him since he was just out of high school. We both recalled the countless times his own mother warned us about him. She saw him for what he is and neither of us listened to her. He had us believing that his own mother was a psychopath. The reality is... he's the one with the issues. I would imagine he learned it from somewhere though... these things can be both genetic and environmentally caused. I'm no psychologist but I work in a field where I have first hand knowledge of what that is. Read up on Anti-social personality disorder. He pretty much fits the bill for all of it.

 

Not that it matters in the end... labeling it doesn't solve the issue of how to deal with him. I just need to be smarter and stronger than he ever thought I was. He may think he has me under his thumb but the reality is, he doesn't and he will find that out soon enough.

[liloldlady]

The only reason why I went and started using it now is because that twit harassed the only 2 friends of mine who happened to be following my account. Repeatedly sent them messages until they contacted me and told me that she was looking to talk to me.

 

Wowwww, she was on a mission!

 

Why did she have to send direct messages to your friends repeatedly? Something like that lands in my inbox, I'm sharing it with the person concerned immediately!

[liloldlady]

He works nights M-F and then days on Sat and Sun. No I really didn't have any clue. I work days so I rarely got to see him. I had my suspicions, but no real proof.

 

What kind of suspicions? What did you see?

 

Now that I know what happened and when...

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

 

THEN she wanted us to take him for 6 months out of the year. I considered it, but because he was working nights at a different job than the one he has now, I would have been the one raising the child, not him and I didn't feel comfortable with that.

 

Oh, my.

 

She recently got married again and is asking for my ex to give up custody so her hubby can adopt him.

 

Goodness gracious! I hope you find a nice simple relationship next time around. It isn't really supposed to be so complicated.

[Artie Lang]

if you plan on divorcing, why are you even dealing with him at this point- HE'S NO GOOD!

 

you know damn well he's lying!

 

 

just stop giving these people headspace.

[Raena]

Wowwww, she was on a mission!

 

Why did she have to send direct messages to your friends repeatedly? Something like that lands in my inbox, I'm sharing it with the person concerned immediately!

 

Oh this was over a short time span. She literally peppered them with this over and over again in about an hours time... they did let me know right away.

[Raena]

if you plan on divorcing, why are you even dealing with him at this point- HE'S NO GOOD!

 

you know damn well he's lying!

 

 

just stop giving these people headspace.

 

Yeah I know Artie... thanks for the reminder

[Raena]

What kind of suspicions? What did you see?

 

He wasn't calling me on his lunch break at 8:00 anymore.. when he first started working there he made a point to call every night and talked all through his lunch break. He also rarely responded to my texts.

 

He started sleeping on the couch every night... telling me that he just fell asleep there watching TV or that I was sprawled across the bed and he didn't want to wake me up (he didn't get home from work until 2:30 am and I have to be up at 5:30 am.)

 

Our sex life dwindled. I attributed that to the lack of access to each other. The only nights we had together were Saturday/Sunday nights really and he would often come home from work, eat dinner and then lay on the couch and fall asleep by 7:00 pm.

 

The real red flag for me was the phone. We had an account together for our cell phones. I was the primary holder of the account so all notices were sent to me. I kept getting notices that he was over his data and text message limit. That's when I started looking at it closer, wanting to know who in the world he was texting so much with. His explanation is that is was the "guys at work" that they text each other all night long because their work areas aren't close together. I did see a bunch of calls and texts to the same numbers, but nothing really stood out.

 

It wan't until she contacted me that I figured out who he was talking to. I google searched the phone number of the first call he made right after I asked him who she was. It came up with her name from an ad she had posted on craigslist. Then I went back and saw that he had been talking to her pretty much nonstop from January until March when she contacted me.

 

Since then he has admitted that he ended the relationship with her from November to January because she was doing drugs. I only saw the few months of contact so I didn't know it had been going on for so long.

 

I did watch the phone logs afterwards and there was no more contact with her from that number. We don't have a joint cell phone account anymore though. He made sure to end that when our contract was up.

 

The rest I've pretty much already explained... but these are the suspicions I had

[ComingInHot]

I don't know if I'm correct BUT I think that if you two are NOT M'd, then you don't have to "share" custody at all w/him UNLESS deemed by the courts. And like you wrote previously, "that could take months"

 

If I am correct, then track , document, record etc.. and build a as that your son will be in a hostile environment w/exLoser and OW Per the acquired evidence.

 

In the meantime, be "busy" or "forget full" and not at home, OOPS** when he asks to take your son. I'm sure people "forget" these things sometimes right? And w/out a binding, legal marriage contract to disolve during a D, then no custody agreements are in place. He moved out, so You, at the moment are the Only one caring for him...

 

When he pisses and moans about it, record it then tell him to "Stick It" w/a nice smile. Maybe even tweet about the fact he left w/out supporting your son... (ya, don't do that*)

[Raena]

I don't know if I'm correct BUT I think that if you two are NOT M'd, then you don't have to "share" custody at all w/him UNLESS deemed by the courts. And like you wrote previously, "that could take months"

 

If I am correct, then track , document, record etc.. and build a as that your son will be in a hostile environment w/exLoser and OW Per the acquired evidence.

 

In the meantime, be "busy" or "forget full" and not at home, OOPS** when he asks to take your son. I'm sure people "forget" these things sometimes right? And w/out a binding, legal marriage contract to disolve during a D, then no custody agreements are in place. He moved out, so You, at the moment are the Only one caring for him...

 

When he pisses and moans about it, record it then tell him to "Stick It" w/a nice smile. Maybe even tweet about the fact he left w/out supporting your son... (ya, don't do that*)

 

I love the way you think... lol. Your posts are pretty much always spot on.

 

I think you are right... I don't HAVE to let him go stay at his fathers house. It would probably look bad on me when we do go to court if I didn't allow him to see him at all though.

[liloldlady]

if you plan on divorcing, why are you even dealing with him at this point

 

They've never been married.

[liloldlady]

I did see a bunch of calls and texts to the same numbers, but nothing really stood out.

 

Did you investigate those numbers at all prior to...:

 

It wan't until she contacted me that I figured out who he was talking to. I google searched the phone number of the first call he made right after I asked him who she was. It came up with her name from an ad she had posted on craigslist. Then I went back and saw that he had been talking to her pretty much nonstop from January until March when she contacted me.

 

I see.

 

Well, onward & upward for you.

Edited November 11, 2013 by liloldlady

[Raena]

Did you investigate those numbers at all prior to...:

 

 

 

I see.

 

Well, onward & upward for you.

 

I did investigate them, but nothing came up. Most of the time if someone is using a cell phone, the number won't be published in the white pages. It was only a matter of time before I figured it out.