Why do I keep feeling guilty for what happened to my ex?

[Woggle]

I know I shouldn't and it makes no sense to do so but her mother and mine keep drilling it into my head and at behind a lot of my bravado I am sort of an insecure person.

 

From what I hear her seeing me out with my wife just completely drove her over the edge and she knew that it was over and always will be over. Her addiction became much worse and she resorted to criminal behavior that landed her in prison. Her family tells me it's just not fair that I get to have a nice and happy life while she rots and I actually let it to get to me.

[anne1707]

Woggle

 

You keep dragging up the past for no good reason. If you want to destroy your future happiness then this is the right thing to do. However if you really want to live a happy and fulfilling life with your wife then forget your ex. She is no longer part of your life. You just need to realise that.

[Woggle]

The other day I ran into one of her friends and supposedly my ex in on suicide watch in prison. She asked me how do I live with myself after I just threw out like some garbage?

[anne1707]

Based on what we know of your ex, anybody who is a friend of hers is no friend of yours. Stop doing this to yourself. I know from my own personal history that you have to let go of the past at some stage. You know this makes sense but you just get yourself into these twisted knots now and then. Let go Woggle and go give your lovely wife a big hug.

[heartshaped]

We all know well and good that's not what you did.

 

Your ex's problems are not your fault or responsibility. She's a grown woman who made poor choices in life and that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

[Woggle]

I know logically all of you are right but having it drilled into my head from a young age that the man is always to blame no matter what gets to me sometimes. That subconcious guilt is still there.

[whichwayisup]

I know I shouldn't and it makes no sense to do so but her mother and mine keep drilling it into my head and at behind a lot of my bravado I am sort of an insecure person.

 

From what I hear her seeing me out with my wife just completely drove her over the edge and she knew that it was over and always will be over. Her addiction became much worse and she resorted to criminal behavior that landed her in prison. Her family tells me it's just not fair that I get to have a nice and happy life while she rots and I actually let it to get to me.

 

Stop talking to her family Woggle. You're bringing this stuff on yourself by contact with them and your mom.

 

Your ex's issues are hers and they were there all along and that had nothing to do with you. None of it is your fault so dont' feel guilty. Having compassion and hopes that one day she'll better herself is healthy but self blaming and allowing her family to make you feel guilty serves no purpose.

 

Now, put it all out of your wife and focus on your current wife. You can't control what others think and do so if your ex is driven nuts because you're happy now and moved on, that's all on her. Not you!

[Woggle]

Stop talking to her family Woggle. You're bringing this stuff on yourself by contact with them and your mom.

 

Your ex's issues are hers and they were there all along and that had nothing to do with you. None of it is your fault so dont' feel guilty. Having compassion and hopes that one day she'll better herself is healthy but self blaming and allowing her family to make you feel guilty serves no purpose.

 

Now, put it all out of your wife and focus on your current wife. You can't control what others think and do so if your ex is driven nuts because you're happy now and moved on, that's all on her. Not you!

 

I agree but when I run into her friends and they tear me apart it gets to me. They say it's all my fault that her life spiraled out of control. I never knew I had that kind of power.

 

This is all the more reason to move to Cali. No more running into them or my family or anybody else that seems to just want to bring me down.

[whichwayisup]

I agree but when I run into her friends and they tear me apart it gets to me. They say it's all my fault that her life spiraled out of control. I never knew I had that kind of power.

 

This is all the more reason to move to Cali. No more running into them or my family or anybody else that seems to just want to bring me down.

 

Woggle, they are going to protect her as they are her friends and say whatever. YOU KNOW NONE OF IT IS TRUE, so just ignore them. they are not your friends at all...You know that too. They are, like your ex, finding someone to blame and your ex is NOT willing to own or admit that she is royally messed up and she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. It's sick and twisted.

 

Your ex is a grown woman who made bad choices, got into drugs and probably has some mental health issues as well. NONE of that is your doing or your fault! believe that!

 

Yes, GO to Cali and start a new happier and healthier life. Leave NO forwarding address to those who you cannot trust. ANd that includes your mom...Gotta cut the cord, no guilt. She is poison, just like your ex.

[Woggle]

Woggle, they are going to protect her as they are her friends and say whatever. YOU KNOW NONE OF IT IS TRUE, so just ignore them. they are not your friends at all...You know that too. They are, like your ex, finding someone to blame and your ex is NOT willing to own or admit that she is royally messed up and she refuses to take responsibility for her actions. It's sick and twisted.

 

Your ex is a grown woman who made bad choices, got into drugs and probably has some mental health issues as well. NONE of that is your doing or your fault! believe that!

 

Yes, GO to Cali and start a new happier and healthier life. Leave NO forwarding address to those who you cannot trust. ANd that includes your mom...Gotta cut the cord, no guilt. She is poison, just like your ex.

 

I know but the self hatred instilled from a young age sometimes creeps back up. Much of my bitterness with women sometimes is me trying overcompensate and reverse that self hatred but it is a very destructive way to do it.

 

It's just hard when I can sometimes run into them at the grocery store and instead of leaving it alone they blame me for the fact that don't have their friend around anymore.

[whichwayisup]

I know but the self hatred instilled from a young age sometimes creeps back up. Much of my bitterness with women sometimes is me trying overcompensate and reverse that self hatred but it is a very destructive way to do it.

 

It's just hard when I can sometimes run into them at the grocery store and instead of leaving it alone they blame me for the fact that don't have their friend around anymore.

 

It is hard and you have triggers. Just be strong and fight those feelings.

 

In your mind say "I wish my ex well, I wish her no harm." This might enlighten you and also see things from a healthier angle.

 

next time you see her friends, walk away, don't even speak to them or allow them a chance to speak to you.

[Sanman]

Something I learned a long time ago is that I am responsible for no one's happiness except my own. Each person has to make the right choices for themselves. As the the cast of Jersey Shore making you feel guilty, tell them to stuff it. She screwed her own life up.

[Emilia]

I agree but when I run into her friends and they tear me apart it gets to me. They say it's all my fault that her life spiraled out of control. I never knew I had that kind of power.

Did you hold your ex's hand when she shot through the windows of your house?

This is all the more reason to move to Cali. No more running into them or my family or anybody else that seems to just want to bring me down.

Think so. You managed to surround yourself with some seriously screwed up people.

[crederer]

My ex likes to remind me from time to time how well I seem to be doing and it's not fair because she's having such a horrible life and somehow this is my fault?

 

My life is mediocre at best and a lot of the negative things that happen to her she brings on herself.

[Woggle]

If her friends and family really loved and cared about her instead of blaming me for everything they would make her actually take responsibility for herself for once. They are just a bunch of enablers if you ask me. How am I responsible for things she has done years after we even spoke to each other?

[Elliotte]

I've been there, hurt people who didn't deserve it. I apologized to those I negatively affected, some forgave me, some didn't. I feel it is a part of growing as a person to feel bad about it, but also to move on from that regret. Even if the other person doesn't forgive you, you need to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes in order to move on with your life. Everyone has made bad decisions in their past, if you let it keep you down for too long however, you're sacrificing too much of the present and it feels a lot better to be present for those you care about now!

[Woggle]

I've been there, hurt people who didn't deserve it. I apologized to those I negatively affected, some forgave me, some didn't. I feel it is a part of growing as a person to feel bad about it, but also to move on from that regret. Even if the other person doesn't forgive you, you need to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes in order to move on with your life. Everyone has made bad decisions in their past, if you let it keep you down for too long however, you're sacrificing too much of the present and it feels a lot better to be present for those you care about now!

 

The thing is that I never hurt her. I was in a position where there was no choice other than to get her out of my life before she dragged me down as well. It's not my fault she threw her life down the toilet.

[whichwayisup]

If her friends and family really loved and cared about her instead of blaming me for everything they would make her actually take responsibility for herself for once. They are just a bunch of enablers if you ask me. How am I responsible for things she has done years after we even spoke to each other?

 

Exactly! You're not responsible for any of that! And yes they are enabling her.

 

See how easy that was to say/type out? Now what you need to do is try your best to react and feel this way RIGHT AWAY instead of letting them or anybody else make you feel guilty or blame you.

 

The thing is that I never hurt her. I was in a position where there was no choice other than to get her out of my life before she dragged me down as well. It's not my fault she threw her life down the toilet.

 

It isn't your fault at all. Not one bit.

 

See right now you're realistic and logical too. Level headed and thinking clearly. Apply this more often, then any zhit they all throw at you will not affect you at all.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Woggle, from your threads I would say you are an insecure person, yes.

 

As for your ex, she is responsible, as we all are, for creating and maintaining our own happiness. There is no guilt here.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know logically all of you are right but having it drilled into my head from a young age that the man is always to blame no matter what gets to me sometimes. That subconcious guilt is still there.

 

So why don't you go to a therapist?

[Taramere]

So why don't you go to a therapist?

 

He did, but there's only so much therapy can achieve. I don't mean that with any disrespect to Woggle. Therapy doesn't magically resolve all of a person's trust issues, or completely rid them of a sense of shame that was instilled into somebody from early in their childhood. Probably the best anybody can expect from therapy is assistance in finding healthier coping mechanisms rather than expecting therapy to provide magical cures for all that ails them emotionally and psychologically.

 

I think generally his reasoning that he is not responsible for her problems, and that her friends are enabling her with this sort of Woggle-blaming, is the kind of healthy approach that a therapist would encourage. They'd probably also say "you don't have to engage with these people, or defend yourself from what they think/say about you."

[Woggle]

So why don't you go to a therapist?

 

I am seeing one but this stuff just gets to me sometimes and I need to post about it. The blame game from the people around her almost bothers me more than her actions. She is just a sick and messed up person but her friends and family should know better instead of just blaming me because I am the man. My own mother should know better. Did they expect me to just sit there and take it and maybe end up getting killed or something?