Silence. Is she still alive???!!

[LimboDancer]

My ex broke it off nearly two months ago. We’d been living together for about a year, but she took a new job and moved about 7 hours away. When she got the job we talked about me picking up too and going with her. But then she decided no – things had been difficult for us and she needed some months apart, the classic “taking a break”. I resisted and thing eventually turned to absolutely going our separate ways. Well, our parting has been far from that up to now. I’ve chased her and she has responded with extremely mixed signals.

 

Besides helping her move out and get moved into her new house, I’ve gone and visited her twice since the move. She has acted like we are a couple during these visits. In between the visits, hardly any contact and emotionally cold. I’ve broken down a few times practically begging her for us to be together with her response of course being to pull back even further. So then I’ve backed off, gone temporary NC and she starts throwing out breadcrumbs to which I’ve responded to every time.

 

This last visit was no exception. I had long had tickets to a sporting event near where she now lives that we had planned to go to before we broke up. I told her I was still going to the event and did she want to go? She said she didn’t know. I pushed it, she got angry. I toned things down and she finally said that we should check in later in the week to see how her indecision was.

 

I didn’t call her after that but she called twice. On the second call which was the night before she knew I would be leaving to come up her way, she spent a ton of time quizzing me about my plans – where was I staying, how long would I be up there, etc. Finally she invited me to come stay with her, implying that she was going to go to this event with me. Her attitude was so grudging that I seriously considered not going but in the end, of course I did.

 

During my drive up it was like she turned 180 degrees in just a few hours! She was calling and texting me from work and by the time I got there she was very happy to have me there. She was warm and connected like when we were a couple. She initiated sex, when I was fully prepared not to touch her. And yep, I went for it – silly putty in her hands. We spent 5 days together and had a great time. She went over the next couple months of her work schedule with me, eluding to spending more time together but not actually suggesting anything firm. She specifically mentioned the upcoming holidays. Her work requires her to be on call so she has to be close to or at home in case she gets called in so this would definitely involve me coming to stay again. I had resolved not to take the lead on making a plan– I’m the one who has done so both times since the break-up and I want her to be the one to take the lead on getting together again, especially if she is inviting me into her home. So I left with no future rendezvous determined.

 

When I returned home she was in touch for a day or two – calling me and texting me lots. But thanks to lots of reading on this forum, I had decided I absolutely needed to go no contact. The relationship had become entirely one sided. Following the break up I had continued to shower her with gifts, gave my time and sweat in helping her get settled in a strange new place, initiated visits – basically kept on chasing – all the while getting hot and cold, mixed signals in return.

 

So I stopped communicating a week ago. And ironically so did she. The times before I’ve had the classic “breadcrumb” communications but this time nothing. She has been silent and so have I. I do sometimes wonder is she is alive. Or maybe she met someone. Maybe she has blocked me on phone, text and email and I don’t even know it. This last visit was really a good one. Why would she say things like “when I see you again..blah, blah” and extend carrots to come visit if she does not want me anymore? What is going on here? Help! Should I reach out? Does she need me to help her through this time by taking the lead on making get togethers happen or do I need to give her space to sort out whatever the hell is going on? Most of all I just want to stop yearning for her. Not knowing if we have a certain future is tearing me apart and a great part of me soooo wants to move on from this seeming limbo.

Edited November 9, 2013 by LimboDancer

[InnocentMan]

Sounds like a Mexican stand-off.

[LimboDancer]

:rolleyes:That helps. Feel much better now!

[LimboDancer]

Anyone out there with constructive thoughts or advice? I'm in a bad place.

[Zahara]

Please do yourself a favor and continue NC. Enough of chasing. And yes, she's alive. The only one you need to help is yourself and that means focusing on moving on and healing.

[what_a_blonde]

My ex broke it off nearly two months ago. We’d been living together for about a year, but she took a new job and moved about 7 hours away. When she got the job we talked about me picking up too and going with her. But then she decided no – things had been difficult for us and she needed some months apart, the classic “taking a break”. I resisted and thing eventually turned to absolutely going our separate ways. Well, our parting has been far from that up to now. I’ve chased her and she has responded with extremely mixed signals.

 

Besides helping her move out and get moved into her new house, I’ve gone and visited her twice since the move. She has acted like we are a couple during these visits. In between the visits, hardly any contact and emotionally cold. I’ve broken down a few times practically begging her for us to be together with her response of course being to pull back even further. So then I’ve backed off, gone temporary NC and she starts throwing out breadcrumbs to which I’ve responded to every time.

 

This last visit was no exception. I had long had tickets to a sporting event near where she now lives that we had planned to go to before we broke up. I told her I was still going to the event and did she want to go? She said she didn’t know. I pushed it, she got angry. I toned things down and she finally said that we should check in later in the week to see how her indecision was.

 

I didn’t call her after that but she called twice. On the second call which was the night before she knew I would be leaving to come up her way, she spent a ton of time quizzing me about my plans – where was I staying, how long would I be up there, etc. Finally she invited me to come stay with her, implying that she was going to go to this event with me. Her attitude was so grudging that I seriously considered not going but in the end, of course I did.

 

During my drive up it was like she turned 180 degrees in just a few hours! She was calling and texting me from work and by the time I got there she was very happy to have me there. She was warm and connected like when we were a couple. She initiated sex, when I was fully prepared not to touch her. And yep, I went for it – silly putty in her hands. We spent 5 days together and had a great time. She went over the next couple months of her work schedule with me, eluding to spending more time together but not actually suggesting anything firm. She specifically mentioned the upcoming holidays. Her work requires her to be on call so she has to be close to or at home in case she gets called in so this would definitely involve me coming to stay again. I had resolved not to take the lead on making a plan– I’m the one who has done so both times since the break-up and I want her to be the one to take the lead on getting together again, especially if she is inviting me into her home. So I left with no future rendezvous determined.

 

When I returned home she was in touch for a day or two – calling me and texting me lots. But thanks to lots of reading on this forum, I had decided I absolutely needed to go no contact. The relationship had become entirely one sided. Following the break up I had continued to shower her with gifts, gave my time and sweat in helping her get settled in a strange new place, initiated visits – basically kept on chasing – all the while getting hot and cold, mixed signals in return.

 

So I stopped communicating a week ago. And ironically so did she. The times before I’ve had the classic “breadcrumb” communications but this time nothing. She has been silent and so have I. I do sometimes wonder is she is alive. Or maybe she met someone. Maybe she has blocked me on phone, text and email and I don’t even know it. This last visit was really a good one. Why would she say things like “when I see you again..blah, blah” and extend carrots to come visit if she does not want me anymore? What is going on here? Help! Should I reach out? Does she need me to help her through this time by taking the lead on making get togethers happen or do I need to give her space to sort out whatever the hell is going on? Most of all I just want to stop yearning for her. Not knowing if we have a certain future is tearing me apart and a great part of me soooo wants to move on from this seeming limbo.

 

Take the lead on making get together happen? No. Absolutely not. You need to take a stand for yourself and realize that if she really wants to be with you she will show you and help male these things happen. Even if she is going through a tough time, if she wanted to be with you SHE would make the effort.

 

Not trying to sound harsh in that, I'm just trying to help you understand that there is no need for you to put forth all the effort. Even if she has a job where she has to be on call, if she wanted to spend time with you she should invite you and not leave it up to you to essentially invite yourself, you know? You need to feel welcome and she needs to make it enticing for you to go.

 

Anyway, it does sound like she doesn't really know what she wants right now and it's not up to you to convince her that you are it. You will wind up feeling like a fool if you do so.

 

I would continue NC. Unless she sends you some groundbreaking text that proves she wants to be with you and is sorry and misses you, then I wouldn't bother responding to anything. Not even the breadcrumbs if they start coming again. Those just cause more stress on you than you need, and it's so much more empowering when you ignore them.

 

Focus on yourself, and try to move on with your life and see what else might be out there. Don't put your life on hold for this one, I'm know there are plenty out there who would appreciate your attention.

[j.gman]

She is playing hot and cold. That means she still care about you.

She still want SOME part of the relationship, but not the whole thing.

 

However, you ruined it with her by keep responding to her breadcrumb.

You need to go hard on the NC. No Contact means no contact. No visit, no phone,

no text...

[LimboDancer]

Take the lead on making get together happen? No. Absolutely not. You need to take a stand for yourself and realize that if she really wants to be with you she will show you and help male these things happen. Even if she is going through a tough time, if she wanted to be with you SHE would make the effort.

 

Not trying to sound harsh in that, I'm just trying to help you understand that there is no need for you to put forth all the effort. Even if she has a job where she has to be on call, if she wanted to spend time with you she should invite you and not leave it up to you to essentially invite yourself, you know? You need to feel welcome and she needs to make it enticing for you to go.

 

Anyway, it does sound like she doesn't really know what she wants right now and it's not up to you to convince her that you are it. You will wind up feeling like a fool if you do so.

 

I would continue NC. Unless she sends you some groundbreaking text that proves she wants to be with you and is sorry and misses you, then I wouldn't bother responding to anything. Not even the breadcrumbs if they start coming again. Those just cause more stress on you than you need, and it's so much more empowering when you ignore them.

 

Focus on yourself, and try to move on with your life and see what else might be out there. Don't put your life on hold for this one, I'm know there are plenty out there who would appreciate your attention.

 

Great reinforcement, thank you. I can't figure out what made her stop reaching out though, especially after such a positive visit! Did she finally resolve to move on? Did someone else come along? Or is this truly just an unneeded standoff?!

[dustinthewind]

What you is a girl that is very self absorbed and selfish! She is throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you close enough until something better comes along. She needed you to get her moved in, she wanted to go to the event because she had nothing better lined up... Your so blind in love you don't understand you will soon be a memory to her...a very faded memory! This sounds harsh but I have been where you are so no since in sugar-coating whats happening, you are more into her than she is to you so when you understand that you NOW have to get your balls back and man up and move on and shift the power back to YOUR side and here is how...

 

Stay NC and I mean don't answer a single question from her... I know you want her back but a girl that is really into you will not treat you as an option, she will treat you like a priority... If she does not call you with a clear apology of how she has treated you and a sincere pleading to reconcile then simply let her fade away along with the memories...

 

Now think back through when you dated her, I bet she was distant alot, I bet you paid for everything and i bet when she was cold you tried to buy her happiness with retail items or dinners or whatever, and this temporarily satisfied her for about a day until she became cold again..YOU CAN'T WIN WITH A SELFISH PARTNER!

 

This will bother you even when the next girl comes into your life because we want what we cant have, and SHE is in control of your emotions right now.. So as hard as this sounds, stay NC and put her on ice and act like she doesnt exist!.. She most likely will not come back and meet someone new, but it will now bother her that she is not YOUR priority and you will slowly feel your power come back by taking control of your emotions...Sorry dude I know this sucks, but don't let these selfish people destroy you and make you Jaded...Just accept this is not the right Match and move forward... Someone else will come into your life and you have to do a better job of picking a partner that best suits your needs!

[aybc123]

Sounds like a Mexican stand-off.

 

More like stalemate. Unless there's a third party we don't know about, which actually, reading OPs post again there may well be.

[LimboDancer]

More like stalemate. Unless there's a third party we don't know about, which actually, reading OPs post again there may well be.

 

If so, I'm blown away that she can't tell the truth. She always talked about how important honesty was, and to her credit she always has been totally honest. Up to now?

[aybc123]

She always talked about how important honesty was

 

People say the darndest things.

 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-54teyGU7qRQ/TZ8VyH5pt2I/AAAAAAAAAOY/SfAnnHYc_6g/s1600/kids-say-the-darndest-things.jpg

 

I don't know man but there's usually someone else involved in a breakup or someone going silent and acting a way that is not congruous to them.

 

If there is then she's probably rationalising it that you aren't together so there's no need to tell you and you're not contacting her so you must be fine with it etc.

 

You're never going to know one way or the other though and just have to make your peace with that.

[LimboDancer]

Uggh..she just called and left message "…just calling to say hi. I hope you're doing well and I'll catch up with you later."

[aloneinaz]

Never listen to peoples words, monitor their actions. Her actions are telling you to move on.. Ask yourself why you'd want to put up with a person like this when there's plenty of women who want a solid, mutually satisfying relationship.

 

Move on is my vote unless you want to always be her plan b...

[LimboDancer]

Uggh..she just called and left message "…just calling to say hi. I hope you're doing well and I'll catch up with you later."

 

Well, after sleeping on it and considerable thought I left her a message this morning. Tomorrow, I leave for work meetings near where she now lives and on our last visit we had talked about getting together during that time. So rather than ignoring that conversation or making assumptions regarding the reason for no contact, I left a message reminding her I would be up there and that maybe we could hang out. I'm already regretting it.

 

Oh sure, she might call back tonight or even tomorrow, but what if she doesn't?

 

I don’t think anyone should hang waiting for a “breadcrumb” phone call to ignore in order to feel better about getting dumped, because it may never come. But imagine the power (not over her but in myself) that I would have had by staying NC. I would have taken this work trip knowing full well that she knew I was nearby (she didn’t need my phone message to remind her) and that I wasn’t getting in touch. Even if the truth is that she wouldn’t have thought twice about me, it is the mindset that would have really helped my ego. And we all have a right to bolster our ego after being dragged through the dirt.

 

I lost that opportunity by leaving that message. Instead I’ll spend the afternoon and evening wondering if she will call. Then the next few days on my work trip getting more and more bummed out that she hasn’t reached out. Is there someone else, does she just not care at all anymore, blah, blah, blah. I can feel the downward spiral already. All self inflicted.

 

This is why all the voices here saying no contact are so important to listen to. If not back to square one, I’ve definitely taken several steps backwards.

Edited November 11, 2013 by LimboDancer

[LimboDancer]

In the end she called and of course, told me she wouldn’t be available during the time I was there – this errand that errand, work, meeting a friend etc. She also spent the bulk of that phone call crying about something going on in her life, that is legitimately upsetting. But interesting that she let go so much about it with me.

 

Then, on the first day of my trip she texted twice and called once, none of which I responded to. The next day she called again and I spoke to her because the call was in relation to a dispute with a third party that we need to cooperate on. That phone call also resulted in more personal chit chat she was obviously interested in what I had been up to, in particular, the prior evening when I hadn’t replied to her.

 

All in all I get the sense she is lonely and struggling. If there is another she’s hiding it well and it goes against her nature not to reveal this. I really want to reach out to her with some invitations / suggestions on seeing each other in the near future. Part of me thinks this will help her bridge the gap she feels in determining whether or not she wants to resume our relationship. The other part of me thinks it’s a waste of time and that if she wants to be together she’ll tell me. And the last part of me tells me not to care, **** her and move on. I need guidance / reinforcement to do the right thing. This is driving me nuts.