megamommy Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Hi everyone, I am very new to all of this. If you guys are interested in my story this is my post about it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/438561-lost-love-turned-emotional-affair-turned-physical-affair-similar-stories We are only 3 months into this "affair", and it only became physical three days ago! I have a very hard time dealing with the times we don't talk, the times he is home with his wife. On average we text each other Sunday - Thursday 7:30 PM - 3:30 AM while he is working graveyards. He will send me a morning text a few times a week. It seems that when we aren't talking I have a tendency to get paranoid and obsessive with my thoughts. "Is he over me?" "He's going to end it, I know it" I think negatively about it. I have started keeping a journal of all of the things I want to say to him when I can't, or if I don't feel are appropriate to say...like "I want you to leave her and be with me". How do all of you deal with being the OW when you're in love with your MM? 1
blue963 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Yes that is very difficult. The longer it goes on the more difficult it will become. I really dont have any advice other than if it becomes to difficult you will want to end it because it is causing you too much pain, mental energy, and emotional conflict. 3
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Hi everyone, I am very new to all of this. If you guys are interested in my story this is my post about it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/438561-lost-love-turned-emotional-affair-turned-physical-affair-similar-stories We are only 3 months into this "affair", and it only became physical three days ago! I have a very hard time dealing with the times we don't talk, the times he is home with his wife. On average we text each other Sunday - Thursday 7:30 PM - 3:30 AM while he is working graveyards. He will send me a morning text a few times a week. Only 3 months in and recently intimate - Are you sure you want to do this to yourself? It's only going to get more intense as time goes on and you'll fall deeper for him. Don't lose "you" in all this. Don't put him first. Enjoy the time spent with him but when not hearing from him or seeing him, focus on you, your life, friends and family, keep really busy. don't sit and wait, think and think and think. He is living his life when not with you so you need to do that as well. It seems that when we aren't talking I have a tendency to get paranoid and obsessive with my thoughts. "Is he over me?" "He's going to end it, I know it" I think negatively about it. Why are you insecure? Were you like this in past relationships or is it because it's an affair and he's married? Part of the affair dynamic is getting used to being second fiddle to his wife and family, he will spend time with you on his terms and when he can, but you need to understand you can't take up all of his time or even hope that he'll end his marriage to be with you. That's setting yourself up for a big fall and an big ouch! I have started keeping a journal of all of the things I want to say to him when I can't, or if I don't feel are appropriate to say...like "I want you to leave her and be with me". No, you shouldn't. Enjoy the A for as long as it lasts, expect respect and common courtesy from him but to hope and pray he falls for you, ends his marriage to be with you is pushing it. Don't view the affair as your everything, don't make him number one priority. To him it IS an affair, so keep it light and try not to get too serious. 3
WakingUp Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Mega, in my opinion you simply aren't cut out for this. Such very early days and you are hurting already... imagine how you will be feeling a year from now. Or five years from now. It gets much much worse, and may never get better. There is no way to "deal with it" if you are a living, breathing human being with feelings. Run, girl, run. 9
Cdngirl5279 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Trust me, it gets MUCH worse! I'm dealing with the aftermath of almost a year. If it is this early and you are hurting already, it will be a million times worse when you are a year in. End it now and run! You deserve someone who can give you 100% of their love and attention. Not the 'leftovers'. 5
carhill Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 How do all of you deal with being the OW when you're in love with your MM? Not an OW but I recall, during the decade or so I was an OM a generation or so ago, I dealt with the process by pursuing an otherwise full life, growing my business and enjoying friends and life experiences. Perhaps an OM's perspective, as a man, is different, in that most men don't feel impelled to be joined at the hip to a lover/spouse, merely confident that the lover/spouse is around and available and desirous of their company, love and care. Also, perhaps some of this is generational as I note today, with instant communication, people seem more focused on remaining constantly in contact and lack of that can and sometimes does appear to be distressing. Old farts like myself can go for days without contact with loved ones and not feel such distress. Even when I was married I wasn't chasing down my exW with texts and phone calls. We knew we'd be in contact and it was OK to not be in contact. It was pretty much the same when I was an OM (different person, long ago). Sure, I missed her but that's normal when one feels connected to another person. I saw it as a positive, an impetus to occupy my life and time with other things. YMMV> 3
wanting more Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I think if you're only 3 months into this, and you're already this hurt and upset when he's not with you, you are Definately not cut out to be the OW This could go on and on, and if you think you're hurting now, it'll be 100 times worse. The facts is, he has a wife. He'll spend more time with her than you. you can't sit there and wonder all these things they're doing while together. It'll drive you crazy. You should really think about how you're feeling so lonely now, and figure out how to move on. The holidays are coming up, as an OW whose not content with being just the OW, you're going to make yourself miserable 6
Cdngirl5279 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 You should really think about how you're feeling so lonely now, and figure out how to move on. The holidays are coming up, as an OW whose not content with being just the OW, you're going to make yourself miserable I couldn't agree more!!! I am SO glad things ended with my MM well before the holidays. I have a chance at enjoying them with my family, my beautiful nieces,friends and people who are in my life 100%. I deserve it, and so do you!!! 4
LilGirlandOW Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting OP OW. My affair is just over a year now, the first 6mnths was amazing, exciting. Then he told me he loved me and in that instant the game changed, I felt the same kind of anxieties as you, the wondering, worrying, waiting, analyzing, over analyzing, waiting, wondering.... I would come up with a billion things I wanted to say to him, but never wanted to ruin our "precious" time together. The only way this can truly end with no severe emotional roller coaster is you walking away and finding a single man. Option "b" you nag and pressure and ultimatum him to leave the wife, you loose. Option "c" he and wife split and you get more time with half the man you fell in love with as he sorts out his personal issues. You really just have your feet wet and really barely have your feet wet in this A, I think you know this isn't where you're supposed to be. I hope you find peace OP Xoxo 2
psm04 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Hi there. Like many posters have already said, this will only get worse and not better. The insecurity/jealousy is one of the reasons why my A is over. The holidays will be extremely difficult. You'll feel low thinking about him spending it with his wife like everything is fine. I am married, and I felt that way. I can't imagine being a single AP. Please take care of yourself and run away from this before it consumes you. People like us can't compartmentalize, and that's not a bad thing. But it is very bad in the context of an affair. You are only three months into this. My A was over two years long, and the insecurities never stopped. Towards the end, when my mind was already on ending it, I was able to handle things better. But even after the end, I struggle with the thoughts and wondering and over analyzing. 1
Author megamommy Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 It's all just very confusing. I'm not "hurting" per se, but I get lonely when we don't talk. I'm not heart broken, I'm not crying my eyes out like a little school girl. 3 months sounds like such a short amount of time but in reality we have known each other and ran in the same social circle for 12 years! I was there when he was devastated 3 years after his then gf, now wife, dumped him for another man. The best thing any of you have said is that I need to stay busy. Right now, I am a stay at home mom getting ready to go back to school. So I literally stay at home with my 18 month old all day long! I need to get out of this damn house and get my mind focused on other things.
LilGirlandOW Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 The best thing any of you have said is that I need to stay busy. I disagree, but take what you need from the advice given. IMHO, as someone's who's been there, done that for a year PA, much longer as friends, like yourself. You need to find a way to detach your love for him, focus your passion on your schooling.... I've never heard anybody post that their A goes from the emotional roller coaster phase into a fulfilling A relationship. Usually the emotional roller coaster crap is stuff us OW/OM deal with at the end. I believe you're at your end. Your end. It's not a healthy place & keeping busy while remaining in this situation is only a Bandaid solution 1
carhill Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 OP, so we're clear, relevant to how to handle the lonely times, what's your goal here? Advice regarding reaching a goal will vary with the goal sought. I presumed you wished to continue in the affair and gave advice predicated upon that goal. If that's wrong, clarify that. Having actively ended a long-term affair, I also have experience to share on that process too, but it's a bit different.
truthbetold Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) Even though she dumped him they found their way back together, you two play "cat and mouse games" by your admission. There's a distance that you mention you only can physically see each other every so many weeks/months, not exactly a recipe for success. It is however a recipe for lustful fantasies that will likely keep each of you hooked, unless he gets busted by her or grows a real conscience. Yes there are stories similar to yours. It's not all workplace stories. It's pretty common to read about old flames, HS sweethearts, or good friends that had that feeling back when but now reconnected on facebook it's a new phenomenon in this digital age, but it doesn't prove long lost soul mates it just means it's easier to get sucked into that temptation if you allow it. It's easy if you're boundaries are lax and due to the click of mouse or press send on your phone. Temptation plus the forbidden equal lustful thoughts that fuel a pseudo fantasy relationship that likely won't last the light of day. Right now because it's hidden it's fun and sexy but that won't last. Lust and limerence is not sustainable in the long run. You need to start thinking with your head. By the time you want to give him an ultimatum, he will have a newborn. Marriages are all about the highs and lows and growing stronger within that. If you really think he'll be able to leave his children who will be around 3 years old another that is a couple of months old, it's likely you're in denial of reality. Since you are long distance you have no idea of the reality of their marriage. It's not unusual for a cheating MM to spin their marriage is all disastrous. He wouldn't be able to get you into bed if he portrayed it was normal. But you even admitted he said they were in love with each other, just hitting a rough patch. You feel that your presence is going to cause that rift to become bigger. The odds are not stacked in your favor, especially not with a new baby. It's all your choice to continue on this path of pain. Edited November 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author megamommy Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Sunset Sky: Idealy yes, i would love for him to leave his wife and be with me. Realistically I now that there is only a 50/50 chance of that happening. I don't feel it's appropriate to tell him that, he knows me like the back of his hand I think he truly knows that's what I want. The problem is, he doesn't know what HE wants to come of all of this yet. It happened out of the blue, when we got back into contact we just assumed that things were going to be like they always were. Flirting, chatting and playing a little cat and mouse game. Neither of us expected it to go this way.. Today has been a much better day, I have done alot of thinking and soul searching about what I want. For now I am willing to accept that I am just a supportive friend. I have managed to get through the day without any fear, anxiety or bad thoughts. It is what it is and there is no reason for me to feel like it's something that it's not. I refuse to let this control my life as it has been the past few days. We are such good friends that we can actually talk about what is going on and how we are feeling, for the most part, without it causing any kind of uproar. I have informed him "I don't awnt you losing respect for me and I do NOT want this to ruin our friendship" his response as "I started this sweets, I wont lose respect for you and I haven't. If anything I have more because I am seeing you go for what you want and nothing is getting in your way." I have also considered that I won't be giving him any kind of ultimatum, I am going to give it one year of my life. Keep my options totally open to date other people and in a year I will end it, if things haven't gone the way I want. truthbetold: The distance is a problem but not a HUGE problem it's only 35 miles LOL I am talking myself into detaching, I will always care for him. However I know if I don't get it in check this whole situation as the possibility of completely destroying me. He has never made his marriage out to be something completely awful. I know he's unhappy, I know he questions if she was the right one to marry or if she was just there when he needed someone. He has said he loves her, he isn't sure if he's IN love with her anmore I understand that the new baby will bring them closer together. Who_Knows: I am currently in the process of getting ready to head back to school to finish my AAS in Dental Hygeine, because I just left my husband of 6 1/2 years I am living with my father. It's nothing to be judgemental about. I have only been home for 2 1/2 months and I have an incredibly supportive and helpful family
Author megamommy Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Are you strong enough for that? I don't think I would be. The insecurity and resentment that would build up from so much uncertainty would eat me up. I have a similar situation. But according to my guy, before we were involved, he had an agreement to divorce after the holidays. I think it wise to stick to the agreement, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. If he doesn't follow through, I'll be out. Like you, I decided there won't be an ultimatum. No one responds well to ultimatums. I considered dating to keep my options open. But that's just not me. I'm either all in or all out. And I think that would add more confusion to the mix. I don't want to hit Feb, find out he's still not filed and have to question whether something I did caused him not to go through with it. I don't want to sit around thinking "Did my dating other guys make him question my feelings for him? Maybe it's my fault and I should give him another chance." I'm giving it 100% and let him know 100% I want to be with him. So when it comes to the moment of truth, if he doesn't follow through, I'll have no second thoughts walking away. One year of trying to keep up a relationship but also keep my distance at the same time would drive me to major insecurity and probably depression. I'm worried that's what it'll do to you. Your situation sounds very similar to what I hope to achieve out of mine. I'm really confused about it all, as is he. He was having doubts in his marriage before I came trotting along and flipped it all upside down, now I'm not taking blame for it because he is the one that started pursuing me deeper, and it wasn't planned to be a physical thing. That just sort of happened. Right now we have both agreed that neither of our lives are on hold through this, but it is only 3 months in. Yes the feelings are there, and I truly don't think he is leading me on in anyway. We have always had that good of a friendship and that type of communication. But, it happened at a weird time. I do want to note that NEITHER of us knew they were expecting another baby until about a month and a half into this. I asked him when he found out if this is something he wants to pursue even with the new addition coming and he said "Yes. I don't know what it is that we're pursuing but I know I want you in my life". As time goes on I don't think I will feel any resentment towards him. I understand that this A might actually FIX his marriage rather than drive him to leave, or cause her to leave. It's all very confusing because in my heart I feel neither of them are happy, I know they decided to have another child in hopes that would fix things - I know because he told me so, I sometimes feel maybe she is cutting off affection, sex and spending quality time together ALONE as a couple because she wants to drive him away instead of breaking his heart, I also feel that he is possibly having this A to see if things could work out with me without having to leave something familiar. He has told me flat out he feels NO guilt about any of this, which leads me to believe he doesn't truly love her like he once did. Which I am open to, we have strong communication so trust is not an issue here. He says he's afraid of getting careless and wreckless, however he has already crossed that line by opening communication with me while she is home and not deleting text threads as soon as he gets off work like he was before we got together. Sorry about the tangent, I guess I needed to get all of that out.
Author megamommy Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Something you have to remind yourself though is that you can't consider everything he tells you as fact. He could be lying. He could be telling the truth. I've seen and heard enough to corroborate what my bf has told me that I feel comfortable giving him the benefit of the doubt. But until I see the follow through, I have to keep a certain level of skepticism in order to walk away if it comes to that. The only things you know is what you see with your own eyes and hear with your own ears. And even then you have to be careful you’re not viewing through rosy glasses or skewed by what he’s told you. If you see something that you think signals proof his relationship is having problems, he's going to leave her or she's going to leave him, stop and consider it from every angle. Consider what would think about the thing you're seeing or hearing if he never told you anything about his marriage. With no definite timeline and a baby on the way, I think you should step back and tell him that you'll be supportive of him but you need to just be friends until he knows where he wants to go with his marriage. I know that's a rough choice, but there's just so much potential for craziness and pain here. But you know better than anyone what you can handle. I recommend you read through other people's experiences and decide if you're tough enough to handle the worst if it comes to that. Any one of these threads where OW were lied to then just tossed aside could happen to either of us. We have to consider it a real possibility but at the same time not get overwhelmed by the fear of it happening. Just stay cautious and step back if you feel yourself getting insecure and not staying true to yourself. This is very true and something I often think about. There is the possibility of him completely leading me on, but because of our history and how well I know him I don't think he lies. I could be wrong though..
Quiet Storm Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 This is very true and something I often think about. There is the possibility of him completely leading me on, but because of our history and how well I know him I don't think he lies. I could be wrong though.. This happens in relationships with people from your past (not just affairs). Because you are comfortable and familiar with him, it creates a false sense of security. The so called "it was like we had never been apart" feeling, when in reality years or decades have passed...and you don't really know this person. Many women have been burned in similar "rekindled" "lost love" and "old friend" scenarios. They assume that the prior relationship indicates a connection, when in reality MM is just being an opportunist. they let their guard down way too fast because he feels "safe". Be careful. 1
MissBee Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, I am very new to all of this. If you guys are interested in my story this is my post about it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/438561-lost-love-turned-emotional-affair-turned-physical-affair-similar-stories We are only 3 months into this "affair", and it only became physical three days ago! I have a very hard time dealing with the times we don't talk, the times he is home with his wife. On average we text each other Sunday - Thursday 7:30 PM - 3:30 AM while he is working graveyards. He will send me a morning text a few times a week. It seems that when we aren't talking I have a tendency to get paranoid and obsessive with my thoughts. "Is he over me?" "He's going to end it, I know it" I think negatively about it. I have started keeping a journal of all of the things I want to say to him when I can't, or if I don't feel are appropriate to say...like "I want you to leave her and be with me". How do all of you deal with being the OW when you're in love with your MM? I don't think there is any magic way to deal with this. I think usually dealing with it involves some kind of adjustment of expectation and sometimes suppressing your real feelings in a way that may not be healthy. It is not the norm to be in love with someone with such restraints so because of that going against the grain it can be very difficult. Like you, I too experienced abnormal levels of paranoia in my own A that I didn't experience in my regular Rs. It wasn't because anything was wrong with me, it was that such a situation wasn't conducive to me feeling secure, for obvious reasons. The only suggestion I have is to not make a married person your priority in the same way you would your single bf who is exclusively committed to you. Don't expect to monopolize his time and don't monopolize his. It won't help 100% but for me, I saw other people, did other things and didn't make myself always available to him. Eventually I got frustrated and fed up and things ended but while it was still on, I relieved some of the paranoia/obsession about it by applying my own ways of compartmentalizing and distancing. Do I think this is a good thing? No. If you're in a "relationship" where you need special strategies to cope and deal with how badly it makes you feel, you should probably reevaluate. But if you insist on staying in it, then the least you can do is not make the MM your main focus and don't treat him in the same way you'd treat a single bf. Edited November 11, 2013 by MissBee
Author megamommy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Well, we agreed today to end it before either of us fall any harder. Before we ruin our friendship. He's not sure what he wants, I'm not sure what I want. The feelings are there and we have agreed to pick up where we left off IF he ever divorces... Thankfully we can go back to being good friends and it wont' be totally awkward.
hayleym Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Hi everyone, I am very new to all of this. If you guys are interested in my story this is my post about it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/438561-lost-love-turned-emotional-affair-turned-physical-affair-similar-stories We are only 3 months into this "affair", and it only became physical three days ago! I have a very hard time dealing with the times we don't talk, the times he is home with his wife. On average we text each other Sunday - Thursday 7:30 PM - 3:30 AM while he is working graveyards. He will send me a morning text a few times a week. It seems that when we aren't talking I have a tendency to get paranoid and obsessive with my thoughts. "Is he over me?" "He's going to end it, I know it" I think negatively about it. I have started keeping a journal of all of the things I want to say to him when I can't, or if I don't feel are appropriate to say...like "I want you to leave her and be with me". How do all of you deal with being the OW when you're in love with your MM? Over thinkers tend to do this all the time. I do it all the time, not just in this situation but with family and friends too. I need confirmation of how people feel about me I can't just remember it or assume it, I always think to the negative before the positive. When those down times hit, think over and over all the positive things he said and the positive actions he showed you and try to completely disregard the negative. Replay the positive instead until that becomes habit. It takes a lot of practice. Also, remember not everyone else is an over thinker so they are not over analyzing every single thing like you are. His mind is probably not changing as often as yours is. Believe in yourself and stay strong.
hayleym Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Well, we agreed today to end it before either of us fall any harder. Before we ruin our friendship. He's not sure what he wants, I'm not sure what I want. The feelings are there and we have agreed to pick up where we left off IF he ever divorces... Thankfully we can go back to being good friends and it wont' be totally awkward. If that's what you both want, good luck! Hadn't read your last post before replying before.
Author megamommy Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 If that's what you both want, good luck! Hadn't read your last post before replying before. It's what we both want for right now. I think he is feeling guilty about cheating, and I knew I was starting to fall too hard too fast. Sadly I am an over thinker, in very aspect of my life! I have never been able to just take things at face value...
hurtnomorerika Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 End this and end it now. Like all the other posters said it will only get worse with time. You will want him more and more and he will not be able to be there all the time and you will continue to get hurt. Get out while its still early or you will be like me 3 years from now wishing you could turn back the hands of time. You will realize you wasted time on a guy who you had to turn your whole life around to fit his schedule because you will begin to go along with what he wants to do just to see/talk to him. Get out now.
hurtnomorerika Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I think if you're only 3 months into this, and you're already this hurt and upset when he's not with you, you are Definately not cut out to be the OW This could go on and on, and if you think you're hurting now, it'll be 100 times worse. The facts is, he has a wife. He'll spend more time with her than you. you can't sit there and wonder all these things they're doing while together. It'll drive you crazy. You should really think about how you're feeling so lonely now, and figure out how to move on. The holidays are coming up, as an OW whose not content with being just the OW, you're going to make yourself miserable The bolded is true next thing you know you will stalking their FB, Twitter, etc trying to keep up with what they're doing, trying to read between the lines of their posts, coming up with excuses as to why he's hugged with his wife on a pic BUT he says he loves you. OP, you dont want to go there. Its not worth it. TRUST ME!
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