what's up with my situation?

[davecity]

Any advice would be much helpful.

 

Until 2 weeks ago my college girlfriend (19 yrs old) and I (22 yrs old) had been dating for over 8 months. We had originally started dating at the tail end of my last semester at college as I was a senior and she was a freshman. We spent the summer together in Ithaca and our relationship flourished. After the summer drew to a close we decided that we loved each other and that we would cope with the long distance.

 

Starting her fall semester I made a conscious effort to try to see her as much as possible and we saw each other about twice a month (which I thought was adequate considering our circumstance). The time we spent together was most wonderful and we made it consistent to talk on the phone every night before we both went to bed.

 

In any event, at the tail end of our relationship she kept telling me how it tears her apart that she can't see me on a day to day basis. She told me that she is incredibly happy when I'm at school visiting her but once I leave she becomes sad. I thought these were just emotions that a girl goes through when coping with a long distance relationship and didn't really think anything of it except telling her that we would make it through and that I loved her deeply. Then two weeks ago she decided that she needed to take a month break to figure out her life because she felt like she was too dependent on me for the sources of her happiness, support and overall well-being. She said that in order to figure out what she wants out of life she needs to be alone for a while.

 

I asked her why she needed time alone, and told her I was willing to do anything to help her overcome her ambivalent feelings in her life. She replied that she needed to be alone and that she was not taking a break because she did not love me, but that she needed to love herself before she could commit to any relationship. Reluctantly I agreed to the month of NC although I was still confused as to why I couldn't be a part of her life during this crucial time. Subconsciously I guess I wanted to hear her say that either she didn't love me anymore or that she had found someone new so that I could simply mourn and move on with my life but she adamently denied both of these reasons.

 

I attempted the NC only to fail and give in the next day because I obviously was going through withdrawal from not talking to her. She replied that she really needed this time alone. We still said we missed each other and that we loved each other.

 

A week later, I spoke with one of our mutual friends, and she had spoken with him and told him that if I had driven up the night that we had broken up, she probably would've gotten back together with me because that would've proved my love. When I heard this news I jumped into my car and started driving up only to have her call me halfway through the trip to discourage me from coming. She said that she really needed this time to be alone and that if I was coming up to try to get an answer one way or another then I should turn back but if I was coming just to see her then I could come. Not wanting to cause a rift, I decided to turn around and head home because I was not going to go against her wishes.

 

The next day we spoke on the phone and came to the realization that a month apart would not be enough time for her to figure out what she wants in life. She told me realistically that she needed several months to clear her head and that I shouldn't wait around for her because she believed that it would be extremely unfair for her to have me do so. We finally broke up for good. Later that day, not feeling satisfied with the final conversation I wrote her an email expressing my feelings:

 

"I know that I will never be able to forget you or the way I feel about

you, and I know that I will never stop loving you. Maybe in time all

these feelings will bring about a greater understanding of who I am

and what it is I truly want from any girl in my life.

 

I will never forget all the moments that we shared. Everything from

hogging the sheets to udon, wings to late night talking about nothing

to sharing special moments of sheer boredom. I can't help but think

that the time we did share was most incredible.

 

You are a beautiful girl in every way possible.

Your intellect combined with your selfless nature and sweet humor is

unparallel. Which is why I understand you need to put yourself as

your number one priority at this point in your life because you are

young and naive and don't really have a grasp on where you want to go

with your life.

 

I want you to have a fulfilling life filled with love, a family and a

successful career. I want you to experience college to the fullest

extent without any regrets. Most of all, I want you to be the

happiest person you are capable of being.

 

I don't want you to feel like you've made a mistake.

 

My door is always open to you because you always have a place in my

heart and that can never be erased.

 

All the love in the world and more"

 

She replied the following:

 

>Nothing we've ever shared will be forgotten. Everything we've done has

>not been in vain. Right now, I can't commit to anyone, not even

>myself. I must figure this whole thing out before I can move on with my

>life and have a relationship. I promise you that if our love is the kind

>that lasts a lifetime, then we will end up together someday. I'm not

>saying tomorrow or the end of next semester, or even before I graduate,

>but I'm not saying it can't happen either. You are, without a doubt, the

>most amazing person I have ever met. Your warm smile, deep caring, and

>incredible mind have taught me more than I have ever learned from

>another. From pasta to all the awful movies we've seen in theatres, to more pasta, to cheescake, I will cherish every moment we have ever spent together. Your hours and hours of

>orgo dedication will be forever engrained in my mind. I owe you the

>world, and you deserve it. If we don't end up together, then I hope you

>find someone who makes you happy and who loves you (and herself) very

>much. I will never stop loving you"

 

This gave me a better sense of where she was coming from because we both put it in writing.

 

Yesterday I definitely made a big mistake when I called her and accused her of liking another guy. She told me that I was driving her crazy with my questions and I told her I was just going through a lot of emotions and being irrational and I hope she understood and she said that she did but that I must understand that she cannot talk to me now.

 

Last night I spoke to her roommate whom I am good friend with and asked her to be honest with me. Turns out she simply said that my ex was not ready for a serious relationship. That she definitely loved me more than she had ever loved anyone before but she needed to have her space. I asked her if my ex had been seeing any other guy and apparently she had gone over to one of her guy friends place to watch a movie and knows that they did not hookup. Probing it further, I asked if my ex had said anything about what she thought about hte guy and she said that it didn't really seem like much but she didn't really know. Hearing this news I jumped to the conclusion that she was already pursuing other men and my heart sank. Perhaps she is simply seeking comfort in another man's arms?

 

Which brings us to now. I know that she is at a different point in her life and that a girl in college feels a rollercoaster of emotions throughout college and she probably genuinely is confused about where she is in life. I know that I need to respect the NC for a while and am willing to do so however I do not know how to keep the prospect of us in the late future a possibility. I am in no way going to live my life waiting for this girl however much I love her, but I also want to keep the door open to her in the future. Should I simply not contact her at all?

 

Many of my friends have told me that because she has made a decision, whether that decision be right or wrong, she will be happier with herself because she has made a decision and try to fulfill her need to go ahead and make herself believe that her decision was right. Eventually she will know whether that decision was right for her.

 

Thanks ahead and thank you if you have made it this far in reading,

 

dave

[tattoomytoe]

i say let her be....by continuing to contact her after repeated requets not to...you are probably driving her away more so.

 

quit quizzing her pals about her...of course they report back that you are checking up on her.....which totally invades her privacy/ space.

 

No contact! do it!

[NiCoLe20]

aww..im sorry for the pain & hurt your going thru right now....but i think the right thing for you to do now is grant her her space. obey the NC rule for however long it takes but dont put your life on hold for this girl. i understand that u have strong feelings for her but you gotta do your own thing for the time being, you know? i also think due to the distance, that she wants someone she can see more than twice a month..thats why she might of put you on hold. but then again she might just want her space to go out and do things and not be tied down. she's a freshman so everything is new to her now. the last thing on her mind right now is a boyfirned from the way she words things. hey if you guys are meant to be than it'llhappen...just dont revolve everything you do around her...she'll realize she lost something good and will come back, just give it some time