So angry!

[Artie Lang]

So if everything she says is lies and, according to some, still having/planning to carry on. Then there's no point. Should I listen to anything I think or does me actually knowing my wife put me at a disadvantage?

 

i think you should take your time and assess the situation.

 

 

there are certain steps you must take in order to try and reconcile, if that's what you want. you must be willing to play hardball here..... you're marriage is at stake.

 

sometimes the "right thing to do" isn't the most popular.

[Fredflintstone]

You state there were problems in the mge---did they ever get discussed tween the 2 of you????---or did the both of you, just go about life, day to day, as if nothing mattered and there were no problems

 

No matter what your wife had no justification for going to her lovers house, and for sure no justification for taking your child there---in all reality, she didn't know him that well, to know that he might have been a criminal/druggie/crazy---how much and well did she really know her lover

 

As to you leaving the home---DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME--IF YOU ARE OUT OF THE HOME NOW, GET BACK THERE AND STAY THERE NO MATTER WHAT---in a D, any decent atty will nail you for ABANDONMENT---so go home and stay home

 

If your wife wants to check on you, that is OK---there is NO privacy in a mge---but by the same token, you can check on her also

 

It seems from what you are writing---your wife is showing little, if no accountability/remorse/willingness to do the heavy lifting, TO MAKE THIS MGE WORK

 

If you trigger, and that is a normal response to her cheating---she should be helping you thru your pain---and doing what is necessary to help you out---again by the same token, you do not have right to be abusive

 

You need to go home, and stay home, and at the same time, figure out what you really are willing to live with the rest of your life in re:this woman you are still married to---cuz as of right now---your existence is just day after day of MISERY---is that what you are looking for, for the rest of your life???????

 

She has shown plenty of remorse to the point her health is suffering and, at the doctor he advised her to go to hospital. Her bp has become life threatening. I can't get my wife to leave with good conscience as I have a young son that needs a home and I work.

[Shocked Suzie]

i think you should take your time and assess the situation.

 

 

there are certain steps you must take in order to try and reconcile, if that's what you want. you must be willing to play hardball here..... you're marriage is at stake.

 

sometimes the "right thing to do" isn't the most popular.

 

This is right,

 

look at the long term...ATM what is in place is not working 'it's all about her' and it should be all about YOU. Then when she is responding in the full correct manner then it would be time to look into you marriage and see if it can be fixed.

 

Remorse, guilt... Whatever she has still treated you badly but still makes it all about her .... Turn it around to save your marriage if that's what you want

 

X

[Darren Steez]

Ok, here goes.

 

My wife had an affair and I found out via some emails and I confronted here straight away. I love her and wanted to reconcile and she did also. She's showed nothing but remorse but that hasn't stopped me from losing it several times. It's been about 10 weeks since dday but I really get angry still, she slept at his house with my son sleeping in the other room with the OM's son. My poor son didnt realise what they were doing he thought they were friends and for some reason was willing to keep it from me, although I think he would have eventually told me. I have had arguments which lead to my wife throwing me out at ungodly hours of the night whereby I had no where to go but I did end up staying. I have had my things damaged or destroyed during this, she knows what she's done is the biggest kick in the teeth that I have ever experienced and I know I played my part in the circumstances leading up to this affair. I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM). The thing is I am looking for a place to go after the time I have spent trying to reconcile because of the trouble that has happened, I never thought we would even talk to eachother with all the crap we've said and done since dday. I just don't want to jeopardise whats left of us, I think if I moved out it would stop alot of arguments but she thinks I would begin to like my new single status and not want to come back. This really P*sses me off because I think to myself if she has all these feelings now why didn't she just realise this while this was going on. She knew it was wrong but thought it was only friendship and that it was harmless. She's also said that she's felt unloved for most of our 18 year relationship, to which I replied that if that was true I would have left immediately upon hearing of this affair or even before when I've had several chances to leave. I wonder now if I should just try a temporary separation and see if she's right and I don't actually want to be with her anymore or if I'm right and things get better because we're not always around each other during this phase or our reconciliation. I'm just not sure if I should tough it out and go through all this crap or just find a place to chill out and get my thinking head on. She's treating me like I'm the one who's cheated, checking my phone and where I've been more than I do to her! what a hippocrit! Anyone have any views or past experience with this?

 

Eh? Yet she took your son over to OM house and let him sleep in the same room as OM's son while she slept in OM's room? How do you explain this? She doesn't have to climb on him (initiate) but she sure wanted to have sex with him. That's why she went to his house with your son. She wanted to have sex

[Try]

So if everything she says is lies and, according to some, still having/planning to carry on. Then there's no point.

Accept that she is telling you trickle truth, and that you know only some of the truth and not all of the truth. You cannot operate under the belief that you know things to be true, when you really do not know. I was specifically pointing out that when you said "I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM)", that you had no way of really know if any of this was true or not. Once you understand that you do not know that these things are true, you will understand the need to stay alert and the need to keep digging so that you can verify everything. You need to demand that she give you complete transpancy which includes all passwords without complaint, and an agreement not to delete anything from anyone until you have had a chance to look at it. It also means that she agree to full no contact (NC) with the other man (OM). Her going with you to see the OM with you even though you made it clear to her that you did not want her to come, was not a good sign as it showed her that you were weak on enforcing NC.

 

Should I listen to anything I think or does me actually knowing my wife put me at a disadvantage?

Knowing her is an advantage. The problem is that any advantage that you have from knowing her is offset by the fact that she knows you.

 

What concerns me most is that she has successfully gotten you to buy into her blame shifting that you did things that drove her into the OM's arms. This blame shifting shows a lack of full remorse for her actions. Without this full remorse, she is vulnerable to seeing the OM again in the future. You know in your heart that she wants to, so the question becomes will she? Without full remorse she probably will. With full remorse she might still but the odds are lower. Stop accepting any blame for her cheating. Please understand that there is no excuse for cheating. If she had issues she needed to make the effort to work them out with you. The fact that you stated that you had already been trying to be a better husband prior to you discovering the affair, shows that she could have worked things out with you. You both are 50%-50% responsible for your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her affair.

 

You accepted what she and the other man said as the truth. Based on this you forgave too easily and did not demand that there be consequences for her action. You accepted shared blame for the affair. Based on this she is not fully remorseful. Nowhere do I see you demanding full transpancy, or demanding full no contact with the other man. It is not that you are foolish for making these mistakes, as these are common errors done by many that post to this forum this early after discovery. But now that you know, you need to correct these things, and yes it is OK to change your mind about forgiving her so quickly. You need to tell her that you were in shock when you tried to forgive her so quickly, but you now know that for it to be real, forgiveness must be earned by her actions going forward. Good luck. You did not deserve any of this.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Try

[Fredflintstone]

Accept that she is telling you trickle truth, and that you know only some of the truth and not all of the truth. You cannot operate under the belief that you know things to be true, when you really do not know. I was specifically pointing out that when you said "I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM)", that you had no way of really know if any of this was true or not. Once you understand that you do not know that these things are true, you will understand the need to stay alert and the need to keep digging so that you can verify everything. You need to demand that she give you complete transpancy which includes all passwords without complaint, and an agreement not to delete anything from anyone until you have had a chance to look at it. It also means that she agree to full no contact (NC) with the other man (OM). Her going with you to see the OM with you even though you made it clear to her that you did not want her to come, was not a good sign as it showed her that you were weak on enforcing NC.

 

Knowing her is an advantage. The problem is that any advantage that you have from knowing her is offset by the fact that she knows you.

 

What concerns me most is that she has successfully gotten you to buy into her blame shifting that you did things that drove her into the OM's arms. This blame shifting shows a lack of full remorse for her actions. Without this full remorse, she is vulnerable to seeing the OM again in the future. You know in your heart that she wants to, so the question becomes will she? Without full remorse she probably will. With full remorse she might still but the odds are lower. Stop accepting any blame for her cheating. Please understand that there is no excuse for cheating. If she had issues she needed to make the effort to work them out with you. The fact that you stated that you had already been trying to be a better husband prior to you discovering the affair, shows that she could have worked things out with you. You both are 50%-50% responsible for your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her affair.

 

You accepted what she and the other man said as the truth. Based on this you forgave too easily and did not demand that there be consequences for her action. You accepted shared blame for the affair. Based on this she is not fully remorseful. Nowhere do I see you demanding full transpancy, or demanding full no contact with the other man. It is not that you are foolish for making these mistakes, as these are common errors done by many that post to this forum this early after discovery. But now that you know, you need to correct these things, and yes it is OK to change your mind about forgiving her so quickly. You need to tell her that you were in shock when you tried to forgive her so quickly, but you now know that for it to be real, forgiveness must be earned by her actions going forward. Good luck. You did not deserve any of this.

 

I want to reconcile, I haven't forgiven her. I have demanded full Nc and I've known where she's been and who with since dday. I speak to them on the phone. I've made her delete her fb and Twitter accounts as well as take control of her email, changed pw etc. I've made her throw away anything she's ever worn with him. I've already told her to go with him if she wants, he's single and can offer her a much better life than I can with what I've seen. After he'd had sex with her she realised she didn't want it to go that far and started moving her stuff back home before I found out. He wanted her to move in with her, she refused before I knew anything. When she confirmed my suspicions she told me that I could have the house, no questions asked because of how guilty she felt over how wrong it turned out. I do not in anyway take responsibility for her decision to have an affair, I only claim part responsibility for the conditions of our marriage which made her vulnerable to having an affair. We have both made changes to ourselves since it's just finding out if that's enough. I have, however arranged a viewing of a possible property for me tomorrow. I'll see how that goes, if I go and she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. Work on us, listening, go to him, divorce it's going to be that simple.

[Shocked Suzie]

Cheaters will lie on their own lives, their mother's lives, their sainted Grandma's lives, and their very own children's lives - all while staring you STRAIGHT in the eye.

 

Lying has become an elevated art form for these people. They do it over and over and over every single day they're IN an affair. Once they're caught, do you think they just magically LOSE that ability to lie right through their teeth? Hardly.

 

To believe anything out of her lying mouth at this point (or any cheater's mouth for that matter) is just pure folly, OP.

 

 

They also start to believe their lie, convincing themselves that what they are doing and how they are treating old loved ones is justified

 

Just tread carefully and follow your gut, you may know your wife...but how well do you know your new wife

 

Good luck I hope you guys manage to rebuild your M xx

[BeholdtheMan]

OP, keep this up and you'll be well on your way to becoming a doormat.

 

Unconditional commitment to reconciliation when she has disrespected you in such a disgusting way tells her that: she has you by the balls, you're the one who's afraid of her leaving...in other words, she has the power.

 

You are putting your cheating wife in the position of power relative to you by guaranteeing her that you'll never leave. You have to seriously consider leaving her and let her know that you're considering the option of divorce.

 

Consider divorce. Don't just do so to see her reaction, do so because your dignity demands it.

 

Of course, her reaction will also provide you with valuable insight. If she comes crawling back after you start taking action to separate/divorce, it might be a sign that she's willing to put effort into reconciliation. If she lets you go, you're better off leaving her. Why would you want a wife who's completely indifferent to your marriage?

Edited November 11, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Fredflintstone]

OP, keep this up and you'll be well on your way to becoming a doormat.

 

Unconditional commitment to reconciliation when she has disrespected you in such a disgusting way tells her that: she has you by the balls, you're the one who's afraid of her leaving...in other words, she has the power.

 

You are putting your cheating wife in the position of power relative to you by guaranteeing her that you'll never leave. You have to seriously consider leaving her and let her know that you're considering the option of divorce.

 

Consider divorce. Don't just do so to see her reaction, do so because your dignity demands it.

 

Of course, her reaction will also provide you with valuable insight. If she comes crawling back after you start taking action to separate/divorce, it might be a sign that she's willing to put effort into reconciliation. If she lets you go, you're better off leaving her. Why would you want a wife who's completely indifferent to your marriage?

 

I have been considering it, I have researched online and had all the paperwork, until she found it. If I get this new place I'll get more and fill it out. She doesn't want a divorce, she wants us to be together, she made a mistake. Problem is ofcourse I've seen what she's done to try and reconcile and feel she means it. Most people here don't, I am taking on board what others are saying but it's not relevant to the original post. I was just looking for opinions on leaving to avoid further conflict to help reconciliation.

[Fredflintstone]

Thanks for sharing your anger.

It's been 6 weeks for me from D-Day (1 year affair for my H). And we haven't split at all, but I went from being afraid to show my anger, to showing my anger only to have him say "it scares him". Now of course, our arguments are about my anger, not about his affair. I think MC will help. From everything I read my anger is normal, it's just he doesn't like to face it. Too bad. If he doesn't like it he can leave. I didn't start the affair, I'm just having to deal with it and sometimes that isn't pretty at all. Tell your wife to suck it up. She's the one who cheated. Not you. Good luck to you.

 

Her anger at me leaving and the extents she has gone to, to stop me are scary. I get angry that she never thought it through, never realised the damage it would cause to our family and extended family. It's an absolute mess here, the worse thing is when we separated and she went to her mothers house I realised then that I loved her more than anything. Then, ofcourse I found out about the affair, which changed all our lives and future plans.

[Fredflintstone]

Infidelity isn't something you can just decide to "get over". It's normal to have feelings like what you're describing. If you just try to ignore them or hide them under the rug, then they will keep coming back. The only way I've known people to overcome these problems is when they've spent a while with a marriage counselor and put in a lot of work into rebuilding the relationship. Then those marriage can sometimes be stronger than they've ever been in the past. But separating when you're feeling this way is only going to push you further apart when you need to be growing closer together.

 

I realize you're frustrated when you keep get into arguments that seem to drive a wedge between you. That's why you need a new perspective from a professional who's worked with other couples who've been in your shoes. You can also pick up books about overcoming infidelity as well. But just avoiding the arguments or moving away isn't the solution. You have to learn how to face the problems. Good luck!

 

I realise the wisdom of your words, it does make sense.