Fredflintstone Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Ok, here goes. My wife had an affair and I found out via some emails and I confronted here straight away. I love her and wanted to reconcile and she did also. She's showed nothing but remorse but that hasn't stopped me from losing it several times. It's been about 10 weeks since dday but I really get angry still, she slept at his house with my son sleeping in the other room with the OM's son. My poor son didnt realise what they were doing he thought they were friends and for some reason was willing to keep it from me, although I think he would have eventually told me. I have had arguments which lead to my wife throwing me out at ungodly hours of the night whereby I had no where to go but I did end up staying. I have had my things damaged or destroyed during this, she knows what she's done is the biggest kick in the teeth that I have ever experienced and I know I played my part in the circumstances leading up to this affair. I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM). The thing is I am looking for a place to go after the time I have spent trying to reconcile because of the trouble that has happened, I never thought we would even talk to eachother with all the crap we've said and done since dday. I just don't want to jeopardise whats left of us, I think if I moved out it would stop alot of arguments but she thinks I would begin to like my new single status and not want to come back. This really P*sses me off because I think to myself if she has all these feelings now why didn't she just realise this while this was going on. She knew it was wrong but thought it was only friendship and that it was harmless. She's also said that she's felt unloved for most of our 18 year relationship, to which I replied that if that was true I would have left immediately upon hearing of this affair or even before when I've had several chances to leave. I wonder now if I should just try a temporary separation and see if she's right and I don't actually want to be with her anymore or if I'm right and things get better because we're not always around each other during this phase or our reconciliation. I'm just not sure if I should tough it out and go through all this crap or just find a place to chill out and get my thinking head on. She's treating me like I'm the one who's cheated, checking my phone and where I've been more than I do to her! what a hippocrit! Anyone have any views or past experience with this?
Bryanp Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Wow - bringing your child over to the OM's house where she had sex with him while your son was in another room says it all. If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting? Why you would wish to remain with a spouse who could do this to you in such a horrible humiliating and disrespecting way is beyond me. I wish you luck. 2
Author Fredflintstone Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Wow - bringing your child over to the OM's house where she had sex with him while your son was in another room says it all. If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting? Why you would wish to remain with a spouse who could do this to you in such a horrible humiliating and disrespecting way is beyond me. I wish you luck. she never had sex whilst my son was there this happened after but I still hate it.
TylerDurdenn Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 18 years and she does this.. I feel for you OP. 1
BetrayedH Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 It's common for anger to come later. Initial reactions are many times a sort of damage control, trying to keep your family together. But once some time has passed and you feel safe that she's not going to up and leave, the anger comes out. Once I was sure my wife's affair was over, we were reconciling, in MC and so forth, that's when I was like, "Hey, by the way, I don't much appreciate this." Sleepless nights, weight loss, obsessive mind-racing, mind movies...I got pissed. So you're thinking of a trial separation. Of course your wife doesn't like it; she doesn't want her H to play single while he's married. What a concept, right? But to some extent, she may be right. Traditional views on them are that they work - if you want to detach and/or divorce. The idea is that distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder; it makes it grow more distant. Maybe they're right. Personally, I think it's probably a good idea to detach. You both need to make rational, non-emotional decisions. That's hard to do when your biggest trigger is in bed next to you. You don't know if you should scream or make love. And your WW really needs to think, too. She just had one foot out the door but now she's afraid to lose you? If that's about guilt, fear, or obligation then maybe she should think some more. If you do it though, no dating. You don't need to experiment with being single; you know what that was like and gave it up for marriage. Take some time away if you need to in order to decide that you want to stay but make no mistake, you're not single. You just need time and space to clear your head, not to date. If your wife doesn't like your terms for reconciling, she's welcome to file for divorce. 6
devilish innocent Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Infidelity isn't something you can just decide to "get over". It's normal to have feelings like what you're describing. If you just try to ignore them or hide them under the rug, then they will keep coming back. The only way I've known people to overcome these problems is when they've spent a while with a marriage counselor and put in a lot of work into rebuilding the relationship. Then those marriage can sometimes be stronger than they've ever been in the past. But separating when you're feeling this way is only going to push you further apart when you need to be growing closer together. I realize you're frustrated when you keep get into arguments that seem to drive a wedge between you. That's why you need a new perspective from a professional who's worked with other couples who've been in your shoes. You can also pick up books about overcoming infidelity as well. But just avoiding the arguments or moving away isn't the solution. You have to learn how to face the problems. Good luck!
Stillscared Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Thanks for sharing your anger. It's been 6 weeks for me from D-Day (1 year affair for my H). And we haven't split at all, but I went from being afraid to show my anger, to showing my anger only to have him say "it scares him". Now of course, our arguments are about my anger, not about his affair. I think MC will help. From everything I read my anger is normal, it's just he doesn't like to face it. Too bad. If he doesn't like it he can leave. I didn't start the affair, I'm just having to deal with it and sometimes that isn't pretty at all. Tell your wife to suck it up. She's the one who cheated. Not you. Good luck to you. 5
Try Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM). You do not know any of these things. Rule number one when dealing with cheaters: just because she and her affair partner say something is true, does not mean that it really is true. she slept at his house with my son sleeping in the other room with the OM's son.she never had sex whilst my son was there this happened after but I still hate it. And you believe that although she was in a sexual affair with the other man (OM), and although she slept over while your son was sleeping in the next room, that she did not have sex with OM while your son was asleep because she said so? Really? Are you under the impression that cheaters do not lie about their affair? Of course she had sex with him when she slept over, that was the whole point of the sleep over. Cheaters lie. She is a cheater. She is lying. Cheater lie so often that there is even a term for their most common form of lying. It is called trickle truth (TT). In TT they admit only what they have to admit to minimize the damage. 6
Author Fredflintstone Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 You do not know any of these things. Rule number one when dealing with cheaters: just because she and her affair partner say something is true, does not mean that it really is true. And you believe that although she was in a sexual affair with the other man (OM), and although she slept over while your son was sleeping in the next room, that she did not have sex with OM while your son was asleep because she said so? Really? Are you under the impression that cheaters do not lie about their affair? Of course she had sex with him when she slept over, that was the whole point of the sleep over. Cheaters lie. She is a cheater. She is lying. Cheater lie so often that there is even a term for their most common form of lying. It is called trickle truth (TT). In TT they admit only what they have to admit to minimize the damage. I know it sound naive of me, especially here but I have posted my reasons for it in great depth in this forum.
Artie Lang Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) STOP! Don't let your wife turn this on you. This is called blameshifting and you need to stop her in her tracks. You might've been 50% responsible for the troubles in your narriage, but her affair is all on her..... she needs to OWN IT! now, if this man is married, you need to inform his wife- expose it! Edited November 10, 2013 by Artie Lang 5
harrybrown Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 So has she stopped all contact and written a NC letter? Has she shown remorse for cheating or just for getting caught? Has she written a timeline for you of the affair and has she been tested for stds? 1
2sunny Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 she never had sex whilst my son was there this happened after but I still hate it. I don't believe that! But still - you think it would still make it ok? Not for me it's not ok!!! 1
2sunny Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I know it sound naive of me, especially here but I have posted my reasons for it in great depth in this forum. Why is SHE mad at all at YOU? Sheez! Kick her out NOW! She's not sorry she cheated - she's ONLY sorry you caught her! BIG difference! Have her move NOW!
BHsigh Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Ok, here goes. My wife had an affair and I found out via some emails and I confronted here straight away. I love her and wanted to reconcile and she did also. She's showed nothing but remorse but that hasn't stopped me from losing it several times. It's been about 10 weeks since dday but I really get angry still, she slept at his house with my son sleeping in the other room with the OM's son. My poor son didnt realise what they were doing he thought they were friends and for some reason was willing to keep it from me, although I think he would have eventually told me. I have had arguments which lead to my wife throwing me out at ungodly hours of the night whereby I had no where to go but I did end up staying. I have had my things damaged or destroyed during this, she knows what she's done is the biggest kick in the teeth that I have ever experienced and I know I played my part in the circumstances leading up to this affair. I know she wants to be with me I know it's over between them, I know that the few times they had sex it wasn't her who initiated it ( I confronted the OM). The thing is I am looking for a place to go after the time I have spent trying to reconcile because of the trouble that has happened, I never thought we would even talk to eachother with all the crap we've said and done since dday. I just don't want to jeopardise whats left of us, I think if I moved out it would stop alot of arguments but she thinks I would begin to like my new single status and not want to come back. This really P*sses me off because I think to myself if she has all these feelings now why didn't she just realise this while this was going on. She knew it was wrong but thought it was only friendship and that it was harmless. She's also said that she's felt unloved for most of our 18 year relationship, to which I replied that if that was true I would have left immediately upon hearing of this affair or even before when I've had several chances to leave. I wonder now if I should just try a temporary separation and see if she's right and I don't actually want to be with her anymore or if I'm right and things get better because we're not always around each other during this phase or our reconciliation. I'm just not sure if I should tough it out and go through all this crap or just find a place to chill out and get my thinking head on. She's treating me like I'm the one who's cheated, checking my phone and where I've been more than I do to her! what a hippocrit! Anyone have any views or past experience with this? Ok, your first mistake was telling her right away that you wanted to reconcile, you should have given yourself some time to think it over, and given her time to prove to you that she really was remorseful. As far as her checking your phone and tracking where you go, it's normal, it's just her guilt over her affair transferring over to you. Just roll with it and keep tabs on her as well. You should both be an open book with each other anyways. That being said, explain to her that you need to get away sometimes to think and clear your head, I took a whole lot of walks early on for just that reason. The anger is tough, I still get angry.
Sparta Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Hey Flintstone stop for a minute and listen to what these people have to say...!!! she's lying she's cheating she slept with him dude get your head out of your ass and get her the out of your house. She cheated not you. I don't get it so many BH (Betrayed Husband) come on here and other forums get the best advice from people who are actually going through the same experience or have been through it... And don't listen they only have your best interest not hers they have your pain I know how you feel. 2
Lokahi117 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 We as posters need to be careful to get upset with people who come here looking for advice and may not follow the collective wisdom. This is a difficult road for all of us. And I can be sure that no one comes here looking to deal with any attitude for "not following advice given". This is a place for support for the betrayed spouse not harsh judgement. That being said, I do think that separation helps you decide what is best for you. Of course she is worried. I'll post a story here in a bit from the other website for talk about marriage.com and it will show what it's like when a man gets single. As for the idea that you left being single for being married......well yes you did, however you hadn't been married before and had no idea of what that looked like. Well it's a lifelong commitment.....until there is infidelity......then all bets are off and you can choose where your life goes. If you want to separate and see how things look dating your wife then so be it. I chose to separate and a lot who do find their wives now have to compete for your attention against all the other woman who recognize a good man. And then your not just stuck with her, if you choose her then great. But she will behave differently knowing that she has lost the obligation that you stay with her. Right now she knows you have to stay. Leaving and living separate lets her know this is serious and she better bring her A game if she wants to keep you. You're not some guy with no options. Let her see what life really looks like separately. Get her an apartment, don't move out, after all you didn't cheat, she did. A remorseful spouse will know that there should be consequences to her actions and you should not have your life change one bit more than it already has. Then live apart for a while, six months to a year and she will see what it will be. But be careful because we all know its easier for most women to get attention and be chased than it is for men so the separation may be a way she sees she wants life separate from you as we'll. My separation has been positive for me. You will be seen as a man with a lot of options and you will begin to wonder if its worth being with a wife that cheated. I know I am wondering this right now. 3
tom670 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 STOP! Don't let your wife turn this on you. This is called blameshifting and you need to stop her in her tracks. You might've been 50% responsible for the troubles in your narriage, but her affair is all on her..... she needs to OWN IT! now, if this man is married, you need to inform his wife- expose it! I agree don't let her gaslight you. Expose to hs wife asap do not tell your wife just do it. 1
tom670 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Have her write you a timeline of the affair. She should want to do anything and everything to help you heal. If her timeline doesn't make sense...polygraph. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 she slept at his house with my son sleeping in the other room with the OM's son. My poor son didnt realise what they were doing he thought they were friends and for some reason was willing to keep it from me, although I think he would have eventually told me. 1, my H swore on our children's lives that he hadn't been with his OW when he never came home one night 'absolute bull'!! She is talking crap 2, MORE IMPORTANTLY!!!!! The position she has put your son in and the emotional confusion/effect she has selfishly put upon your son is totally wrong...I would be furious and would never forgive her She is a bitch! :mad: 2
Try Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I know it sound naive of me, especially here but I have posted my reasons for it in great depth in this forum. I have read all of your posts and read all of your reasons, and all it did was confirm that you know nothing more than what she and her lover have told you. What gets me is that at your wife's prompting, you actually met up with her lover, you amazingly let her come to the meeting with her lover, you sat there as he told you details to your face about how he f**ked your wife, and then walked away thinking that he told you the truth. The guy thinks nothing of you. All you are to him is the guy that has a wife that let him have his way with her. Why on earth would this make you think that you know the truth? More amazingly, rather than feeling humiliated by the experience, you actually said about the meeting with him that "it was a positive outcome for me though". WTF?? The truth is that the only reason that their stories matched is because they had it well rehearsed. And the only reason that he would even talk to you, is because she asked him to with the promise that the sooner that she was able to calm you down, the sooner they could resume the affair, but this time they would be more careful. Nothing that you have posted did anything but reinforce my previosus statement that "You do not know any of these things. Rule number one when dealing with cheaters: just because she and her affair partner say something is true, does not mean that it really is true." 1
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) I just don't want to jeopardise whats left of us. ...she has managed to destroyed ever ounce of what is left of your marriage I think if I moved out it would stop alot of arguments but she thinks I would begin to like my new single status and not want to come back. Selfish....selfish....selfish!!!!!! DO NOT MOVE OUT!! She needs to go, pack her bags call here bluff, shock her and man up to her!! I'd love to meet your wife! She knew it was wrong but thought it was only friendship and that it was harmless....cause she is self absorbed and self centered She's also said that she's felt unloved for most of our 18 year relationship, to which I replied that if that was true I would have yep of course it's all your fault!!! Omg!! Seriously call her bluff, pack her bags, wake her up! And show he you mean business! Have some you time and NC... Give yourself some headspace and respect xxxxx Had all this crap from my Ex! Don't put up with it any longer, she has done n said enough Edited November 10, 2013 by Shocked Suzie
Author Fredflintstone Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 So if everything she says is lies and, according to some, still having/planning to carry on. Then there's no point. Should I listen to anything I think or does me actually knowing my wife put me at a disadvantage?
Shocked Suzie Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 (edited) So if everything she says is lies and, according to some, still having/planning to carry on. Then there's no point. Should I listen to anything I think or does me actually knowing my wife put me at a disadvantage? It's not what she is saying it's what she is doing, done and how she is treating you...Doesn't matter at the moment what she is saying...look at her actions! She is treating you like a fool and a doormat. because you love her and live in hope you are allowing her and being blind to what is really going on here. Just give yourself a break, have some head space... I know how hard it is, ive been there and she is not being fair on you one bit 'it's all about her' and it's not....she will have no respect for you and will continue to stuff you around all the time you allow her to, unless you stand up for 'you' she will then have to make a choice on way or another ...this way you will know SS x Edited November 10, 2013 by Shocked Suzie
jnj express Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 You state there were problems in the mge---did they ever get discussed tween the 2 of you????---or did the both of you, just go about life, day to day, as if nothing mattered and there were no problems No matter what your wife had no justification for going to her lovers house, and for sure no justification for taking your child there---in all reality, she didn't know him that well, to know that he might have been a criminal/druggie/crazy---how much and well did she really know her lover As to you leaving the home---DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME--IF YOU ARE OUT OF THE HOME NOW, GET BACK THERE AND STAY THERE NO MATTER WHAT---in a D, any decent atty will nail you for ABANDONMENT---so go home and stay home If your wife wants to check on you, that is OK---there is NO privacy in a mge---but by the same token, you can check on her also It seems from what you are writing---your wife is showing little, if no accountability/remorse/willingness to do the heavy lifting, TO MAKE THIS MGE WORK If you trigger, and that is a normal response to her cheating---she should be helping you thru your pain---and doing what is necessary to help you out---again by the same token, you do not have right to be abusive You need to go home, and stay home, and at the same time, figure out what you really are willing to live with the rest of your life in re:this woman you are still married to---cuz as of right now---your existence is just day after day of MISERY---is that what you are looking for, for the rest of your life???????
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