Weird night? Did he friend-zone me?

[Claysmommy]

I'm dating a fellow co-worker. The last couple of weeks he has been inviting me out. I turned him down both times because in both situations the events he invited me to involved meeting family members and hanging out with his family. It all just seemed like too much too soon, so each time I made excuses and didn't go.

Finally I decided to give it a try and last night I agreed to go out with him and a group of 7 of his male friends to a bar. Earlier that day we had car-pooled together from work and he took me out bought me pizza, etc. It was nice. He's a really a nice guy. Then he dropped me off at home and we planned to meet up at the bar. He told me I could take my time getting ready. So I did take my time. But I guess he arrived at the bar a little earlier than me(like at 7:30) and I didn't arrive until 9:30. Between these two hours where I was taking care of things, he called me like 8 times, trying to find out when I would be there--each time I told him I was on my way, but I mean again I had things I needed to take care of and I didn't realize that it mattered if I got there at little later since the bar closed at 3 AM. Then on like the 8th call he told me to just not come since it was obvious I didn't want to be there. He said he had been waiting for me in the parking lot, etc. So I left immediately and just came.

 

I was the only girl there. So yes it was a little awkward, because it was basically me sitting at the table next to him with all his guy friends. And he was like "Man what took you so long. I thought you were going to bail on me, etc. And I was sitting here telling my friends that I had this very cute girl coming and I looked stupid because they didn't think you were going to show up."

 

We all kind of laughed it off--but he brought up a couple of other times through-out the night. Anyway his friends were cool, even though I was the only girl there they made me feel welcome. They all had been drinking. And I ordered a couple of drinks and as the night progressed and all of us continued drinking, the bar started to get "live". And everyone started dancing. Including my date. I let them dance while I chilled and drank my drinks.

 

Then this blonde girl kept coming up to my date trying to get him to dance--she really liked him it was obvious. And she could care less that I was there. Because I was trying to play it cool and act like I didn't care, I told him to go dance with her and have fun, I even told him he should hook up with her. He said she wasn't his type. So he then told me what his type was--jet black hair, medium thickness, medium size boobs, and he doesn't care too much about the butt size. So right away I began to wonder if I was even his type. I do have jet black hair, and medium size boobs, but I don't know what constitutes as medium thickness. I have a body similar to Kim K, so my butt is big--I've even complained about it to him, who never comments on it at all. I'm definitely not thin or average. But I'm also not plus-size or anything(I wear a size 6 at NYC, a size 8 at most places, and a size 10 at places where clothes run very small or like "junior" type of clothing. So because of this I've always considered myself to be thick and most guys I've dated in the past have commented on my body(in terms of me having a bigger butt and hips, etc). He never has though. So this made me wonder if I was even his type.

 

 

Anyway as the night progressed, he kept trying to get me to dance but I'm shy and didn't feel comfortable. He kept dancing with the blonde and I admit it irritated me. She was all over him and I just felt uncomfortable. Meanwhile, one of his friends came over to me and was like "Hey you're not from here are you" and I was like "no..." And I told him where I was from. And he was like, "The reason I ask is because I'm surprised to see him here with you. He doesn't really date black women"

 

Now I'm black so I was like "okay"... And he was like "yeah, he usually dates white women" And I was just like "okay". And then he said "But it's good to see you with him, I like to see two educated black people dating each other, etc" (This friend was black)

 

He then went on to say "it's not that he doesn't like black women, but he told me that black women don't like him."

 

And I asked him "Why?" Because I like him and I was curious.

 

And his friends response was "because you know how he is, he is a little weird, etc" I just laughed it off. But I was uncomfortable. Then his friend added "Yeah he's kind of scummy to girls too". And when I tried to ask what he meant, he wouldn't tell me.

 

Then my date(co-worker guy) came over to us and I basically just called him out and told him what his friend said about him. And he was like "It's not like I don't like black women, but I grew up in white areas and I admit because of that I'm partial to white women. But I mean I do find black women attractive. And I did have one black girlfriend in college but she was crazy, etc But I mean yeah I do tend to date white girls and I admit I'm attracted to white women, but half of the celebrity women I like are black, etc." So at this point I'm just feeling plain uncomfortable and wondering why he invited me in the first place.

 

Then he asked me to dance again and started dancing all up on me. And I was just like "no I'm good." Because I was feeling uncomfortable and wondering what exactly he wanted with me if he isn't into black women. I went to make a call, then go to the bathroom, then stepped out for some air. And when I came back, his friend(the one who had warned me about him) started hugging all up on me and asking me to dance. Now mind you this friend has a gf. I sort of gave him a polite hug back and then asked him where my date/co-worker was and then he pointed him out and I went over to co/worker date and told him I was "headed out".

 

He said he wanted to walk me out, so he did. So as he was walking me out, he was just like "I hope you had a good time your first time hanging out with us. I don't know if you did. Since you wouldn't dance with me, like the whole night. Party Pooper" He said it jokingly

 

And I told him I did have a good time, but that he was all over the blonde and I was too shy to dance, etc. And he was like "You wouldn't dance with me, and I kept trying to get you to. She's not even my type. She's not what I'm looking for right now." And once again, I'm thinking in my head(am I even your type???).

 

So I just apologized for not dancing and said I would the next time. He seemed okay with it. When we got to my car and he opened the car door to help me get in I wanted something to make the night feel like it wasn't just a friendly thing so I asked him for a hug. We hugged, and it was very intimate tight hug and at that point I had wanted to kiss him. I mean 4 weeks of dating/talking and I felt like it was time to at least attempt to kiss.

 

So I told him I wanted to kiss him and he was like "I don't like to kiss when I'm drunk. I'd rather kiss you when we're both sober". And I'm like WTF. So I said "seriously?" And he said "yes." But he had a smile on his face and he gave me another tight hug so as we were hugging, in my drunk stupor I kept kissing him lightly on the neck, and layed my head on his chest and he just laughed softly and said "I didn't think you were even going to come because you took so long to get here, etc. I thought you were trying to bail out on me, etc"

 

So I assured him that I wasn't going to bail out on him, and apologized once again for being late.

 

I then brought up the kissing thing again--because the way that we were hugging was making me a bit horny and he was just like "I'm going to probably ask you out 1000 more times over the next couple of weeks. I just don't want to kiss while we're drunk."

 

so I just said okay and then he helped me in my car and kept telling me to be safe driving and let him know when I got home.

 

I got home I texted him. I just sent him a few messages--telling him not to hook up with the blonde girl that night because I wanted him to myself , and that I know that his friend said that black women don't like him but that I'm a black woman that likes him, and that I promised I would dance with him next time, I made it safely, etc."

 

Anyway I can't find my phone, because since I was drunk I have no idea where I last put it. So no idea what his thoughts are about last night. But honestly I'm starting to wonder if he friend-zoned me since he didn't want to kiss, etc. On top of that I just wonder why he is talking to me if he doesn't usually like black women and what his friend meant when his friend said that he was "scummy".

[heartshaped]

I'm sorry, but I don't really get what you liked about this guy.

 

Sounds like a terrible date and I wouldn't be interested in seeing him again.

[Claysmommy]

I'm sorry, but I don't really get what you liked about this guy.

 

Sounds like a terrible date and I wouldn't be interested in seeing him again.

 

LOL. It wasn't really supposed to be a date, it was supposed to just be hanging out with him and his friends at a bar. The thing is I thought we would all just be drinking and talking, but around 12:00 AM the bar moved tables out the way and everyone started dancing. It is around that time where things moved from being "ok" to being awkward and weird. I like him because up to this point things had been going good between us. But after that date I feel really weird about it and I'm just wondering if he see's me as a friend and maybe that's why he behaved the way he did dancing with the blonde and whatnot. Then with his friend, with the gf--trying to dance all up on me and hug on me--that's weird right?

 

I don't get him, but maybe this is what friend meant about him being scummy to girls and being weird.

[Uwaae]

You are really insecure, that is one of the most insecure stories ive ever heard. You should definately work on that.

 

Its sad that he had to tell you not to come, for you to hurry your ass up and get over there, which was about the right thing to do.

 

You put so much stock in his friends, so much thinking about crap that is unnecessary.

 

I think you could go out with him, but work on yourself more, try being more of a confident woman, and less insecure

[Claysmommy]

You are really insecure, that is one of the most insecure stories ive ever heard. You should definately work on that.

 

Its sad that he had to tell you not to come, for you to hurry your ass up and get over there, which was about the right thing to do.

 

You put so much stock in his friends, so much thinking about crap that is unnecessary.

 

I think you could go out with him, but work on yourself more, try being more of a confident woman, and less insecure

 

The reason it was taking me so long is that I some personal things I needed to take care of. I wasnt intentionally trying to make him wait. And the reason I hurried over there was not because he told me not to come. Around his eighth call I was on my way out of the door to come to the bar so when he told me not to come I told him I was on my way because I was. And I'm insecure based on this post seriously? After being told by a close friend of his and having him confirm it himself that he doesn't really date black girls, and I'm black and I'm sitting right there. How could that not make someone insecure?

 

And then he didnt even want to kiss so yes it was awkward. Yes I may need to work on my confidence but if he doesn't date my type, is dancing with some other girl all night and then doesn't even want to kiss then yes it's confusing. I have no idea what he really wants from me.

 

I'm just going to fall back. His actions words etc do not match up.

[Uwaae]

The reason it was taking me so long is that I some personal things I needed to take care of. I wasnt intentionally trying to make him wait. And the reason I hurried over there was not because he told me not to come. Around his eighth call I was on my way out of the door to come to the bar so when he told me not to come I told him I was on my way because I was. And I'm insecure based on this post seriously? After being told by a close friend of his and having him confirm it himself that he doesn't really date black girls, and I'm black and I'm sitting right there. How could that not make someone insecure?

 

And then he didnt even want to kiss so yes it was awkward. Yes I may need to work on my confidence but if he doesn't date my type, is dancing with some other girl all night and then doesn't even want to kiss then yes it's confusing. I have no idea what he really wants from me.

 

I'm just going to fall back. His actions words etc do not match up.

 

Yeah, you probably just should fall back. I think he'll dodge a bullet there

[Divasu]

Oh man, if a guy told me to take my time getting ready for our date and then proceeded to called me 8 times and give me flak while I was in the middle of getting ready, I'd be annoyed.

 

I think if you both had agreed on a set time, it would have gone smoother. But sounds like you both were kinda winging it initially.

 

I see where you're coming from though, meeting parents on a first date and/or being the only girl there among all of his male friends would feel a bit overwhelming initially. Doesn't sound ideal for a first date.

 

I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet if you like him. Maybe go out just the two of you one-on-one and see how it goes.

[beyond]

You drove while you were drunk?!

[Shosh]

So he thinks you are too drunk to kiss, but not too drunk to drive a car? Wow.

 

But other than that, I think you gave him signals that you are not interested. Turning him down a few times when he asks you out, taking forever to show up (and why did you say you were on your way when you were still getting ready?), then you did not want to dance with him and even told him to hook up with that other girl??? But afterwards you practically ask/beg him for a kiss and hug?

 

Sweetie, I really think you should back off, make up your mind on what you want from him and also develop some strong boundaries. Just my 2 cents.

[Claysmommy]

Yeah, you probably just should fall back. I think he'll dodge a bullet there

 

 

I don't understand why he would have dodged a bullet. I've talked to 4 different girlfriends about this, and all of them agreed that what happened last night did not make any sense. Matter of fact one of them even asked me, "Does he think you two are friends? Maybes that's why he acted the way he did, he was treating you like one of the guys".

 

You might think I'm insecure but it's weird to hang out with someone who KNOWS that you like him and basically have him and his friends tel you that you aren't his type. To watch as he dances with other women. And then he doesn't even want to kiss you, etc. That isn't normal behavior when a man LIKES a woman. It might be if he SEES her as a friend. And that is what I can only assume.

 

Not to mention the fact that earlier this week we were talking about times when we've drunk and he admitted that there were times when he got drunk and had sex with some of his friends(friends that are girls) and that it would never be a huge deal in the morning. They'd just move on with their lives and everything was cool. So obviously it isn't like he opposed to getting physical with a woman when he is drunk but he didn't try anything with me at all.

 

IDK if you're a guy so maybe that's why you think I'm being insecure but ALL of the girls I've spoken to about this think the same things I do--that he most likely sees me as a friend.

 

Your making it seem like I'm this insecure silly girl and like his behavior is normal. Like I said I admit I'm not the most secure person, but I've dated men and have NEVER had that experience before. Usually if I'm drunk and the guy is too, at the least he'll want to make out. Usually if he is interested in me and is out with me, he would never tell me I was not his type--he'll tell me I am his type, etc. And then dancing with another girl in front of me?

 

I don't understand why you are saying I'm insecure.

[Claysmommy]

You drove while you were drunk?!

 

Yes. I lived like 5 mins away from the bar. All of him and his friends drove home drunk too. It wasn't the smartest, and I would have just rode with him and his friends but I was really uncomfortable watching him dance with the Blonde and then having his friend all up on me(and again his friend had a gf) I was just ready to go it was too awkward.

[Divasu]

OP, this is not how a guy should treat a woman on a first date. C'mon, he invited you to a bar with his buddies and dancing with another woman in front of you.

 

He probably didn't kiss you because he didn't want that other woman to see him kissing you and ended up hooking up with her after you left.

 

Ha! Pleeeeeease.

[beyond]

I'm struggling to see what it is you like about this guy. Him and his friends sound really disrespectful.

 

The whole evening sounds awful.

[todreaminblue]

the friend you were talking to was sabotaging him....be careful with that one.....he has designs that are ulterior.......dont listen to what anyone says about someone you like...you like them because you are meant to like them not because someone else is meant to like them .....judge your own heart because believe it or not ...

 

 

 

your heart knows best not someone elses aesthetic or racial cultural judgements on what is kosher for him or for you any pairing of two people is unique due to the personalities that come together...

 

 

 

especially when i feel that friend who claimed to know exactly the type his friend goes after...not very friendly to sabotage,if he turly wqas a friend he woudl have been supportive and not shared history that was purely for the guy to disclose not him...he had no right or reason to disclose anything.....he wasnt getting to know you as his friends date...hewas on a stealth mission..... the motivation was for his own personal gain..dontcloud your judgement with the white noise of others........best wishes .deb

Edited November 9, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Claysmommy]

So he thinks you are too drunk to kiss, but not too drunk to drive a car? Wow.

 

But other than that, I think you gave him signals that you are not interested. Turning him down a few times when he asks you out, taking forever to show up (and why did you say you were on your way when you were still getting ready?), then you did not want to dance with him and even told him to hook up with that other girl??? But afterwards you practically ask/beg him for a kiss and hug?

 

Sweetie, I really think you should back off, make up your mind on what you want from him and also develop some strong boundaries. Just my 2 cents.

 

He did keep asking me if I was sure I could drive home, and to be safe and then he had me walk on the white line by my car to see if I could walk in a straight line. And I was able to. I mean I wasn't completely wasted. Ususally if I'm wasted I'm looser and fun, I was more mellow and reserved last night I felt high more than I felt drunk.

 

And I told him I was on my way, because I was headed out and I kept changing my mind out my outfit. I mean I was just nervous. Like I said I wasn't intentionally lying to him. I was just trying to look nice and trying to pick the right outfit, etc.

 

I didn't want to dance because I just wasn't feeling like it. Sometimes when I go out I want to dance and I dance, other times I just want to chill. TMI but I had just gotten my cycle and was not feeling good at all, but I still wanted to be there with him. Plus again I'm shy and whenever I've went to clubs, when I have danced it always been with friends that I've known for years. And it's always been when I was pretty wasted. That was not the situation yesterday.

 

Um the reason I give him mixed signals is because he gives me mixed signals as well. So I came out and told him I liked him, a couple of weeks ago, and he will not come out and say it back or say anything that really indicates how he feels about me. So since he won't come out and be direct about his feelings then I've just been playing it cool, and basically treating him like a friend or something along those lines because I don't want to go all out for someone who can't even tell me they are interested in me verbally.

 

And I already said why I turned him down--I felt like it was too early to be meeting family like that and I wasn't comfortable with it.

 

The wanting to kiss him was because at that point I was drunk. I wouldn't have said that if I weren't, TBH. But I was not expecting to be rejected for a kiss. It was just weird.

 

Even if I did give him mixed signals, why wouldn't he want to make out.

 

I do want to stay away from him. The problem is we work together. He comes to my desk all the time. We instant message, text, have lunch and breaks together, etc. My team leader--who happens to be someone he knows outside of work, even asked him what was going on between me and him. Matter of fact his exact words yesterday when we had pizza, was that my team leader said to him "What's up with you and XXX? Do you know she has a kid?" And he told her he knew. And she was like "Can you really handle all that responsibility?" Now this is what he told me yesterday. Which annoyed me because that was unprofessional of my team leader. Since he's always coming to my desk, everyone that's on my team at this point knows that I'm dating him. Which is awkward too.

 

I mean it's just messy. We work together. He knows where I live. His best friend lives down the street from me.

 

If I had known that it would turn out like this I wouldn't have ever attempted to talk to him. I'm used to guys being direct. In the past I tell a guy that I like him, he tells me he likes me back and then things progress. With him I tell him I like him and it's crickets chirping in the background lol. The only reason I even felt like he liked me was because he was always flirting with me, and taking breaks and having lunch with me, he did say a couple of times he thought I was attractive, and he asked me for a pic of me in a bikini/workout pants. Stuff like that. But now I'm just wondering if he's just seen me as a friend.

[Claysmommy]

I'm struggling to see what it is you like about this guy. Him and his friends sound really disrespectful.

 

The whole evening sounds awful.

 

I liked him before this evening. Because I could like tell him anything and he never judged me or anything. I felt like I could be myself. He knew that my mom had passed away last year and he knew about my son and he just seemed like a really nice guy. We always had fun when we interacted together, and I was attracted to him.

 

But last night was weird. I just don't even know how to act when I see him at work on Monday.

[Claysmommy]

OP, this is not how a guy should treat a woman on a first date. C'mon, he invited you to a bar with his buddies and dancing with another woman in front of you.

 

He probably didn't kiss you because he didn't want that other woman to see him kissing you and ended up hooking up with her after you left.

 

Ha! Pleeeeeease.

 

The woman was inside, when we were at my car. And the bar was pretty big so I don't even think it had anything to do with that woman, I just think maybe he isn't attracted to me and that's why he didn't want to kiss me.

 

He told me at work that he wasn't the type of guy to just hook up with girls like that anymore. He said he used to do that when he was younger but not anymore. He did say that the blonde wasn't his type and that she wasn't what he was looking for but like I said he kept dancing with her.

 

Anyway I just found my phone and he sent me messages, basically just saying he's glad I made it home safely. That he doesn't not like black girls, and that we had a convo about it the night before so why am I bringing it up again. He said he didn't hook up with the blonde girl. And he was like that was $40 of alcoholic drinks(he paid for my drinks) were you really drunk? And then asked me if I thought him and his friends were crazy.

 

Like I said I have no idea what he wants from me. And I'm tired of trying to figure out. I haven't came out and asked him because I didn't know how to just come out and ask. But at this point I feel like it's too confusing and since we work together and I don't want it to be awkward, I'm just going to do my best to remove any romantic feelings from him and just be a platonic friend.

[Claysmommy]

the friend you were talking to was sabotaging him....be careful with that one.....he has designs that are ulterior.......dont listen to what anyone says about someone you like...you like them because you are meant to like them not because someone else is meant to like them .....judge your own heart because believe it or not ...

 

 

 

your heart knows best not someone elses aesthetic or racial cultural judgements on what is kosher for him or for you any pairing of two people is unique due to the personalities that come together...

 

 

 

especially when i feel that friend who claimed to know exactly the type his friend goes after...not very friendly to sabotage,if he turly wqas a friend he woudl have been supportive and not shared history that was purely for the guy to disclose not him...he had no right or reason to disclose anything.....he wasnt getting to know you as his friends date...hewas on a stealth mission..... the motivation was for his own personal gain..dontcloud your judgement with the white noise of others........best wishes .deb

 

I thought of that too, but his friend already has a gf. He even told me he did earlier in the evening. Look when I first got there and he introduced to me everybody, the two black guys at the table gave me weird looks, so yes I do really think that they were not used to him dating a black woman.

 

And heck he even admitted it when I asked him about it. I guess I just don't understand why his friend would try to sabotage anything when his friend already has a gf.

[Uwaae]

He didnt want to kiss you, because you were trying to manipulate him into kissing you.

 

You were like, "I wont dance with you and I'll come late, then I'll also kiss you"

He decided that he'll kiss you on his own terms.

 

He's a strong guy and made the right decisions.

 

You seem to put a lot of stock into what other people say, like you cant make your mind up without hearing something from someone. Personally it doesnt matter what your friends told you, because they are most likely trying to feed your ego, and they are wrong. Whats wrong about being treated like a friend?

 

You've given the guy no reason to feel any different about you.

 

If you keep listening to drivel, like, about the guys ""Type"". You'll overthink yourself into oblivion.

As I said before, you should just drop him

[Claysmommy]

He didnt want to kiss you, because you were trying to manipulate him into kissing you.

 

You were like, "I wont dance with you and I'll come late, then I'll also kiss you"

He decided that he'll kiss you on his own terms.

 

He's a strong guy and made the right decisions.

 

You seem to put a lot of stock into what other people say, like you cant make your mind up without hearing something from someone. Personally it doesnt matter what your friends told you, because they are most likely trying to feed your ego, and they are wrong. Whats wrong about being treated like a friend?

 

You've given the guy no reason to feel any different about you.

 

If you keep listening to drivel, like, about the guys ""Type"". You'll overthink yourself into oblivion.

As I said before, you should just drop him

 

I was not trying to manipulate him. i just wanted a freaking kiss. And again I did not come late on purpose or as a trick or game. I came late because something came up and I was trying to get ready quickly and just couldn't get it together in the time frame that he needed me to. I still came and I stayed for 3.5 hours.

 

And again I didn't want to dance because I was shy and uncomfortable. I didn't realize it was a bar where you danced too. Like I said, when I go to clubs I'll dance because I'm already in the mindset where clubs=dance and I need to work my way up to that since I'm shy. So often since I know it's a club I've already established that I'll need to dance. With this situation I had never been to this bar and thought we all just be drinking not drinking AND dancing. I did not want to dance. But I wasn't trying to be mean or hurt him. I just didn't feel comfortable dancing.

 

Me wanting to kiss him was not manipulation and had nothing to do with me trying to get him to like me since I was late and since I didn't dance. I just wanted to kiss him because I am attracted to him and I was drunk. It really is that simple.

 

He turned me down and tried to make it seem like he didn't want to kiss unless we were sober. I mean come on now. If in the past he's hooked up with female friends, while drunk, then why now all the sudden does he have values and morals about making out?

 

I wouldn't say he's a strong guy who makes decisions as much as it is that maybe he really just sees me as a friend and I completely misread him.

 

And I can't stay away from him or be done with him, since we work together. Things are already awkward enough, because I actually just found out last night that my team leader and co-workers think that something is going on between me and him. But if I tell him let's not talk anymore it's going to be even more awkward.

 

I've tried falling back before--and it's like he knew what I was doing. I.e. he instant messaged me and I didn't respond right away or when I did I gave short one word responses. He caught on within minutes and said "You okay. You've never responded with one-word responses before.Are you mad at me, did I upset you?"

 

Or there was one day where I didn't say bye to him, and he texted me that evening like "why didn't you say bye--you mad at me?"

 

Or there was one day where he felt I was mean to him(and I wasn't at all) and the next morning he texted me and was like "are you going to be nice to me today."

 

Yesterday, I'm trying to get ready and he calls me 8 times and then tells me not to come since I obviously don't want to come, etc.

 

I mean all of this^ in my opinion is manipulation more so than me trying to kiss him because I'm attracted to him.

 

It's just difficult to try fall back or cut things off when we work together. The best I can do, is just be a friend, and try not to make it *as* obvious that I'm no longer going to invest myself romantically.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Claysmommy