Why is it so important for the OW to know they are the love of MM's life?

November 10, 2013

Wow where are you getting your info social dude, there were no ddays- mm left, just as we agreed on the date we planned...

He does not love the bs- he doesn't want to be with her, he has told her this in front of me- it was her suicide attempt and pressure from family trying to get him to go back and agree to giving her a chance

Yes our relationship is only 1, year and a week old but mm does love me- sorry our love didn't fit your timescale- even the bs has said mm never loved or treated her the way he has me.

November 10, 2013

Weski she has said it previously many times, she has also said if they were to reconcile she doesn't know how it would work considering she knows he'll always be at my beck and call.

She worries about our love, my body and our connection

But I just don't want it to get minimised into 'mm made a mistake' in time.

Stupid and wierd, I know.

November 10, 2013

Wow where are you getting your info social dude, there were no ddays- mm left, just as we agreed on the date we planned...

He does not love the bs- he doesn't want to be with her, he has told her this in front of me- it was her suicide attempt and pressure from family trying to get him to go back and agree to giving her a chance

Yes our relationship is only 1, year and a week old but mm does love me- sorry our love didn't fit your timescale- even the bs has said mm never loved or treated her the way he has me.

Apparently not enough to marry you or get a divorce though or even stay with you.

You simply can't see through the smoke screen of excuses.

Your MM is a big boy. He can make his own decisions without being guided by family. He's only using that as an excuse. Someday, you'll see the light likely after you move on.

November 10, 2013

Weski she has said it previously many times, she has also said if they were to reconcile she doesn't know how it would work considering she knows he'll always be at my beck and call.

She worries about our love, my body and our connection

But I just don't want it to get minimised into 'mm made a mistake' in time.

Stupid and wierd, I know.

On the large scale of their marriage that's all you will be. Even if he were to divorce, I don't think from how it sounds you'd still be minimized. Seeing that if he were single he'd still break up with you.

You need to get over this seriously.

Why do you need validation from an old man?

Go find a better man that isn't married and cheating.

You likely deserve better.

Once you find a better person. I bet you'll see it as a mistake too.

November 10, 2013

I guess validation is something that does play a factor.

I won't care in time; just with it being raw

Mm did propose to me, it's me moving a miles away that stopped us from being together. Lots of relationships break up over less, I know if I ever want mm back and I'm at a settled point of my life I can have him.

He would always want me, still does even now- who knows if we'll one day get back together but relationships hit rocky patches

November 10, 2013

I think most affairs rely on the idea of being special. This could be for lots of reasons, but one of them is that since it is apparent that the situation is duplicitous, there needs to be a "good reason" for it, which makes it more palatable, and one "good reason" seems to be the idea that this person isn't normally that way but it is something about you and your "connection" why they had to cross the line. That is way more romantic and easier to maneuver than thinking they are some common cheat. There was one OW whose MM had 19 ddays and several OW before her, and after her, maybe even during their A if I recall, and even still she held to the narrative that he never loved any of them but her and also loved her more than his wife. Why does it matter if an obvious serial cheater "loves" you the most of everyone he cheated with esp if he's still married? It seems like it doesn't/shouldn't matter...but I get why it matters. Everyone wants to feel special and not disposable and cheap.

In normal relationships too, sometimes when it ends people are preoccupied with knowing if they mattered or were special or "the most special".

I think eventually you get over it. I think it is part of the shock of it all and in trying to make sense of it you hold on to that need to be special, over time you don't care anymore about it, but certainly during the A many need to believe that and when it's recently over it's also something that people become preoccupied with.

IMO, those are the women who are in doubt. They get too caught in emotions. They can't admit what they're doing because if they did they'd end the relationship. Some women can't cope with that status. Their main object usually is to destroy the family/relationship because they feel like they're special, and therefore, it's worth it.

Never personally experienced the above, my situation I didn't experience love for him. I didn't want him as a bf because he cheated a lot. I saw how that took a toll on my mother's marriage and how it ruined my 4 year relationship. What justified to me was just that I didn't feel like I was ruining his family nor did I want or care. His MW took a blind eye to his cheating so she knew what she was getting and whether I was with him or not he'd be with some girl at work or at a bar. So to me, his family was irrelevant either way. Never had the desire to break up the family therefore never claimed it was anything more than it was.

So basically what I'm trying to say I think it's their way to try and hopefully get the MM to themselves. Which is the goal of many OWs to begin with. I think it's a scheme more than they believe. They want others to believe it.

I think the above poster explained it pretty well.

I can't imagine any OW not wanting to feel like their relationship with the MM is special and that they are loved more than all others. Otherwise, what is the point in having an affair if you aren't all that special?

I have a feeling that it is also a way of justifying why it is ok to be with the man. After all, if he doesn't love you more than anyone else, then what else would the relationship be? Booty call? Just sex? If it isn't "love" then it is not "justifiable"

I do suspect however, that many times, probably not in all cases... but many times the MM tells the OW this just because he knows that what she needs to hear. Even if it isn't true. It might be true in that moment, but he probably said the exact same thing to his wife or previous OW's as well.

I think it matters on the type of relationship it is. Some OWs may not see that they're doing much to cause issue if the relationship is not that serious. Or if the MM is in a very bad relationship anyway.

Edited November 10, 2013 by Socalidude20

November 10, 2013

I guess validation is something that does play a factor.

I won't care in time; just with it being raw

Mm did propose to me, it's me moving a miles away that stopped us from being together. Lots of relationships break up over less, I know if I ever want mm back and I'm at a settled point of my life I can have him.

He would always want me, still does even now- who knows if we'll one day get back together but relationships hit rocky patches

I think this is the best outlook you could have right now.

November 10, 2013

Baby, I have followed your story and I get it.

You have raised a very valid and discussion worthy topic.

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 10, 2013

Thanks waking up- really appreciate it, obviously all is not well with me due to my situation. I hope you are well and everything is okay in your situation.

It has been heartbreaking- but I just hate hearing the generic answers on love shack to every question, everyone is unique.

People on hear seem to think all ow are insecure, all mm are

Monsters and all bs's are victims who the mm really loves

In actually fact, in my situation I really believe the relationship broke up for not affair like issues. And the fact that I'm extremely hard work

November 10, 2013

Thanks waking up- really appreciate it, obviously all is not well with me due to my situation. I hope you are well and everything is okay in your situation.

It has been heartbreaking- but I just hate hearing the generic answers on love shack to every question, everyone is unique.

People on hear seem to think all ow are insecure, all mm are
Monsters and all bs's are victims who the mm really loves

In actually fact, in my situation I really believe the relationship broke up for not affair like issues. And the fact that I'm extremely hard work

But that's KEY Baby. Relationships especially marriages are ALL hard work, how much "fun" that is kept alive within the hard work is up to the individuals and their level of commitment.

So okay you don't want to hear that cheating MM's most certainly DO have issues, that's generic to you. I hear you. But when people love each other they move those proverbial mountains. Up to and including relocating and selling possessions. Taking a loss for that leap of faith.

You want to know that you matter. Okay, so what if he dedicated a room to you and your pictures, mementos. Would that be good or sort of creepy? You cant' control what others will think or how they will remember you. You can only control you by your conscious choices. It does say you need external validation if you really do need to matter to other people that really don't have a stake in your life. Other posters saying that are really trying to help you see that.

No matter in time if you're out of each other's lives your memories will fade into an occasional thought now and then. It's just how life works, not some set agenda that people want to get you to believe. I benefit none for you understanding me or not, it's all your choice. But really the bottom line is people are more concerned with their own lives and people who are in them day to day that really matter.

People don't give people who are not in their lives in a real and tangible way more than passing thoughts. It's can be unhealthy and border on obsessing.

It's natural you are resonating with those responses that echo what you want to hear, but that's not necessarily healthy for you. And in the end YOU need to be healthy for you. Yesterday is gone, Tomorrow is but a plan, you can control your choices today. Dwelling on the past will keep you stuck.

November 10, 2013

While I have not found it important to believe I was or am the love of his life (I have never really understood that phrase, soulmates, etc.) it still didn't/doesn't mean I mean a lot to him.

His ex wife will always hold an important place in his life, she is the mother of his kids. That is huge. But it also hasn't ever threatened me either.

He loves me and I love him. Shoot, we married because of that.

I know that there are many "shades of grey" and roll my eyes at the stance that some take that it is all or nothing. There is a wide spectrum of things and so everything follows into the spectrum but it doesn't mean they are all the same.

November 11, 2013

Sunset, thank you so much for defending me- but more then that- thank you for understanding what I was posting rather then giving me random advice that has little to do with my situation.

The mm has left his bs 10 months ago, and still hasn't started reconciliation- he's not in a rush to go back- I doubt he will

I know he loves me, he doesn't want to anchor my dreams right now and he doesn't want to be a burden to me when he's old- I tried and tried to explain he wouldn't but he doesn't believe that

Mm loves me dearly, does everything he can to please me, and I love him but it's just so damn hard with so many issues and mitgating factors

November 11, 2013

I actually can't believe some of the hurtful responses on this thread - I don't understand the agendas of some posters

November 11, 2013

The mm has left his bs 10 months ago, and still hasn't started reconciliation- he's not in a rush to go back- I doubt he will

I know he loves me, he doesn't want to anchor my dreams right now and he doesn't want to be a burden to me when he's old- I tried and tried to explain he wouldn't but he doesn't believe that

Mm loves me dearly, does everything he can to please me, and I love him but it's just so damn hard with so many issues and mitgating factors

As a mm myself, I should mention that men tend to think separation/divorce as a big failure for them, no matter what the situation is. So probably he is in a bad mood right now.

Assuming you are sure that he still loves you, did you try to contact him? I am new here too and haven't followed your story closely.

November 11, 2013

As a mm myself, I should mention that men tend to think separation/divorce as a big failure for them, no matter what the situation is. So probably he is in a bad mood right now.

Assuming you are sure that he still loves you, did you try to contact him? I am new here too and haven't followed your story closely.

Yes, we are still in contact, we met today- just as friends and he knows I'm feeling down and insecure about the whole thing (initially when mm left I felt very bad for the bs and his family) so sometimes I think 'was it worth it'

I never thought I'd be the 'type' that would be an ow- never handled jelousy well- hence him knowing he had to leave his marriage quickly or I'd leave hin

He gave me his prize possession- worth about 10 grand, and said if he ever hurt me I could sell it

November 11, 2013

I actually can't believe some of the hurtful responses on this thread - I don't understand the agendas of some posters

(((((Baby)))))

My BEST advice, utilize the ignore button and take what you need and leave the rest. You know the saying about opinions and . . . .

No one knows you like you do. No one can no the details, the ins and outs, and the emotions. And no one can tell you how or what you feel and how or what anyone else does.

Trust me, there were times that I am sure if I posted here then that many would have been telling me what a fool I was and how evil my MM/husband was. I am not saying every MP is fantastic, truthful and transparent. And that some don't end up hurting everybody. But what I am saying is that it isn't always true. Most things are somewhere in the middle.

The best advice I can give is be your own best advocate. Make sure you are sticking up for yourself and making sure you don't allow anyone to treat you any differently.

Have you tried counseling? It may help you work through your feelings and thoughts. (((((baby)))))

November 11, 2013

Yes, we are still in contact, we met today- just as friends and he knows I'm feeling down and insecure about the whole thing (initially when mm left I felt very bad for the bs and his family) so sometimes I think 'was it worth it'

I never thought I'd be the 'type' that would be an ow- never handled jelousy well- hence him knowing he had to leave his marriage quickly or I'd leave hin

Each situation/people is different, but if I were him, I would still mourn the failure of the marriage. Furthermore, I would have some resentments against the OW subconsciously, even though it was me who is responsible for ending the marriage. It may sounds unfair, but there is a possibility that he somewhat feels this way. Over time, he will probably grow out of the mourn mood.

Since you mentioned he is old, is he also insecure about the relationship?This could have a feedback on your own insecurity.

November 11, 2013

I think it matters on the type of relationship it is. Some OWs may not see that they're doing much to cause issue if the relationship is not that serious. Or if the MM is in a very bad relationship anyway.

One thing the OW needs to keep in mind here in regards to what you said is that there are times when the MM isn't telling the truth about the state of his relationship with his wife or significant other. Sometime just the fact that he is having an affair is the root cause of the problems in his relationship with his wife. So I wouldn't rely heavily on what any MM has to say. They will tell you it's awful and look to you for solace but the reality is... if it is that awful then just leave already. Don't cheat.

I do see that being "the one" or feeling "loved" wouldn't be all that important if the OW doesn't take the relationship seriously. I'm also guessing that this can't go on for too long. Sooner or later, someone in the affair relationship is going to start taking it more seriously and want more from it. I know that's not always the case, but oftentimes it is.

Either way, serious or not.. the affair itself always causes issues.... whether the OW takes it seriously or not.

November 11, 2013

Saying you weren't trying to put someone down becomes a lot less credible when you follow it up with a back-handed insult of that person.

You're welcome.

What I read earlier seemed like you were in the moving on phase. But you last post I wasn't sure if you're looking to get back together. Where are you at mentally/emotionally right now?

That's untrue. I told her she deserved better than a cheating old MM. And she does. You're putting her down by implying that's what she should pursue. When she can definitely do better. I uplifted her I didn't put her down. Read back my posts. I was simply trying to let her see the light.

November 11, 2013

Didn't realize op is so young and the age gap is 20 yrs.

op, did you have a discussion with your parents? At your age their opinion/advice can be helpful.

November 11, 2013

One thing the OW needs to keep in mind here in regards to what you said is that there are times when the MM isn't telling the truth about the state of his relationship with his wife or significant other. Sometime just the fact that he is having an affair is the root cause of the problems in his relationship with his wife. So I wouldn't rely heavily on what any MM has to say. They will tell you it's awful and look to you for solace but the reality is... if it is that awful then just leave already. Don't cheat.

I do see that being "the one" or feeling "loved" wouldn't be all that important if the OW doesn't take the relationship seriously. I'm also guessing that this can't go on for too long. Sooner or later, someone in the affair relationship is going to start taking it more seriously and want more from it. I know that's not always the case, but oftentimes it is.

Either way, serious or not.. the affair itself always causes issues.... whether the OW takes it seriously or not.

Yeah well you see I was actually referring to my own situation. I knew of his wife and everyone basically knew he was a habitual cheater. I knew she knew but didn't want to admit it. I knew this without MM telling me. So obviously the marriage was so messed nothing I did would ruin it. I also didn't pursue the relationship. I didn't value it either. It started when I had an argument with my then bf and I basically slept with him to I guess get back at him. It was a sexual relationship mainly. Something that was like missing in my own relationship at the time. For me at the beginning I wasn't even thinking about his relationship. I was just thinking about mine and how dissatisfied I felt. He made it ok but I didn't need him really emotionally. It was just a lust thing. When I broke up with my bf I was just like with a lot of guys at the time. None of them meant much I just was tired of being ashamed of holding back all that time in a supposed monogamous relationship. I just let it all go for a little while but he wasn't anymore of meaning than any other guy I was with at the time. That's why I said it matters on the type of relationship many of the times if you have a romantic relationship with an MM that's when people invest too much IMO. And therefore make excuses and need to be told theirs is special.

November 11, 2013

I'm 23, and just got my first 'big time job' do you really think I have time or the inclination to make fake accounts?

FYI sunset and a few other posters are the only thing that made me feel okay yesterday, I felt pretty low after feeling picked apart by posters

I don't know how I'd answer it, I think part it has to do with the intensity of the affair and part to do with trying to justify it...

Thanks got it! I find it hard being able to say that my

Mm has tried to always do right by me...

My mum thinks mm is lovley but just doesn't see how we could make it... She says I'd be making my life very hard by being with

Someone so much older with baggage when in her eyes I can have anyone.!

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

November 11, 2013

Social dude- life isn't all black and white, I'm young and I know that

November 11, 2013

Because the OW/OM wants to feel like more than just a piece of ass.

November 11, 2013

I think it's sad that sunset has been accused of me being a fake account, I mean really? By the looks of things me and sunset aren't even in the same time zone!

I'm 23, and just got my first 'big time job' do you really think I have time or the inclination to make fake accounts?

I am more of a reader than a commenter. I got my first "big time job" at 25. You are 23 and your mum is right. So much is going to change for you. I make no comment on judgement on how you and your partner came to be in a relationship but you are 23 and a very level headed 23. I am much older now at 35 and I look back to 23 and I had a older boyfriend but one who loved adventure and travel. We lived and worked all over the world but ultimately we were equals - not one on the decline or incline.

You have the rest of your life to wait and to be honest, it is a big age gap. Not insurmountable but there would be compromises involved, if you are ok with that. You have the rest of your life to get older - I know you love this guy but maybe now isn't the time.

Sign In

Why is it so important for the OW to know they are the love of MM's life?

Recommended Posts

Baby123

Baby123

Socalidude20

Socalidude20

Baby123

Socalidude20

Socalidude20

WakingUp

Baby123

truthbetold

Got it

Baby123

Baby123

curiousGeorge2

Baby123

Got it

curiousGeorge2

Raena

Socalidude20

curiousGeorge2

Socalidude20

Baby123

Baby123

crederer

ufo8mycat

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...