The Stars Align against me. . .

[solostand]

So my MM of one year has been in hospital with a serious illness (he almost died).

During his hospital stay, he has been calling me regularly and I have been visiting him regularly. He is much much better.

So yesterday, I had to go to the hospital to get bloodwork done and thought Oh Ill just drop by and see MM for a minute afterward.

As I walked by his room, I could see a woman sitting in a chair, but before I had time to react, he shouted hello and gestured me inside.

It was his wife.

I awkwardly sat down (he directed me to sit down) and made small talk with his wife. I felt horrible. Awful. It was the first time I had ever seen her this close and had a conversation with her.

Soon I came up with an excuse to take my leave. He was cool as a cucumber through the whole deal. I was sick to my stomach.

I havent heard from him since, but I wonder if she is suspicious. I would imagine she is, because the night before, I was visiting him when one of her best friends dropped by.

I have got to end this thing today.

[whichwayisup]

Are you really going to end it?

 

I do hope you do end it, because the reality he's given you, the one you believed for so long about his wife, their marriage and life together is not what it appears to be. She isn't the devil, she loves him and he has tons of support and love in his family.

 

My thought is, this is just an affair to him and yes he has feelings for you but that he really has no plans on leaving his wife for you and starting over. Now if you're fine with this set up, being his OW for many years to come then stay and enjoy the affair for as long as it lasts. Or, you can end it and set yourself free so one day when you're ready you can find a single man who you won't have to share, won't be hidden and a secret, someone you can have a life with, children possibly too. As long as you stay his OW, this IS your life as it is now.

 

Stop visiting him in the hospital. If you are by his bedside and his wife sees you in the future it'll for sure make her stop and think. And all she has to do is ask a nurse who else is visiting her husband and how many times.

 

He's a real shi.t to be doing this to his family, especially right under his wife's nose. To invite you in while she was there and act so cool just shows HOW WELL he can lie, deceive and betray. It's good you feel bad about it, shows you have compassion and also gives you a glimpse of if he can do this to her, the mother of his kids, his wife whom he married in front of friends and family years ago, he is damn well capable of doing all this to you some day IF you two end up together.

[Owl]

Gotta ask...did you follow through and end it?

[JamesM]

Wow. I have been following your story, and I have to say that a MM acting this way is not exactly being respectful of your or his wife.

 

How did he introduce you? As a friend?

 

What was she like?

 

What is your opinion of him now? Has it changed?

 

And as Owl asked, are you really going to break up?

 

Do you want to?

 

I feel for you. As a married man (as in married not as in a MM in an affair), I find it very hard to believe that I could pull of what he did. My guess is that he wanted you to meet her and get your opinion. He will spin this to make himself appear better and her not so good IMO.

 

But this may backfire on him. You now feel that she is no longer an abstract but a real person with feelings and emotions.

 

Good luck on what you decide. This is not easy.

[scatterd]

I am wondering what he told his wife about you. Does she think your a friend co worker or what. If she hassuspected anything threw out your relationship him she will wonder why you matter enough to be there. Ending this now would be best, he sounds too confidentabout not being caught or does not care.

[Snowflower]

I awkwardly sat down (he directed me to sit down) and made small talk with his wife. I felt horrible. Awful. It was the first time I had ever seen her this close and had a conversation with her.

Soon I came up with an excuse to take my leave. He was cool as a cucumber through the whole deal. I was sick to my stomach.

 

He is a mean man. This is so cruel to both you and his wife. Please, please, please end it with him today.

[Spark1111]

This is sooo typical of a MM being the bad boy and feeling a thrill of getting away with it right under Mean Mommy's ( his wife) nose.

 

What's next? She's not home so come over and let's make love in the marital bed?

 

Just yuck.

 

Some affairs are about love; others a punishment for perceiving your spouse doesn't love you enough.

 

You were just used as a tool to punish her, unbeknownst to her.

 

Get out now.

[KathyM]

I'm guessing that your MM is doing damage control, and that is why he invited you in when his wife was there. Maybe she was told something by the friend, or maybe the MM is afraid the friend will say something to her, but it sounds like he wanted to normalize your connection with him and present it as a friendship or acquaintance that he has nothing to hide about, and so he wanted to show his wife that he has nothing to hide, and invited you in to demonstrate that he has nothing to hide. You really should dump this sleezeball. Life is too short to waste it on someone who is not available, not honest, and not able to give you a real relationship.

[Shepp]

I felt horrible. Awful. It was the first time I had ever seen her this close and had a conversation with her.

Soon I came up with an excuse to take my leave. He was cool as a cucumber through the whole deal. I was sick to my stomach..

 

I dunno how you can expect better of a guy who'd betray his wife like that anyway?

 

What difference does it make if she's there or not when your with her husband? Its not like if she's not physically there she doesn't exist, either way I find backstabbing someone you swore to stand by for the rest of your life nauseating.

[solostand]

So heres what happened:

 

I decided to go NC. I didnt speak to him Saturday, but spent the day obsessing and trying to come up with other things I could do to replace the void.

 

We belong to AA, the same group, thus the connection.

 

So Sunday morning I go to the usual morning meeting. Who should stroll in but him - out of hospital on a weekend pass!

 

So he sits beside me and uses his charm and being a complete idiot, I succumb to his charms in the sense that after the meeting I agree to sit in his truck and talk to him.

 

So I asked if she said anything and he said yes, she said that I might be a little more interested in him than just AA. He said he laughed and told her she was nuts, he is old enough to be my father. He said I did okay in front of her.

 

He said it was no big deal that i was there - AA members visit each other. He said he would visit me if I was in hospital et cetera.

 

He said later, she said she could see how him and I were friends, compared to other AA members, we both seemed to have intelligence.

 

What was she like - quiet, friendly, stylish, a little overweight, nice.

[JamesM]

How did that make you feel?

 

How do you feel knowing that he lied so well to her?

 

Do you wonder how well he can lie to you?

 

What are your plans now? You know he will see a breakup as a challenge to get you back. Can you handle that?

[Spark1111]

So heres what happened:

 

I decided to go NC. I didnt speak to him Saturday, but spent the day obsessing and trying to come up with other things I could do to replace the void.

 

We belong to AA, the same group, thus the connection.

 

So Sunday morning I go to the usual morning meeting. Who should stroll in but him - out of hospital on a weekend pass!

 

So he sits beside me and uses his charm and being a complete idiot, I succumb to his charms in the sense that after the meeting I agree to sit in his truck and talk to him.

 

So I asked if she said anything and he said yes, she said that I might be a little more interested in him than just AA. He said he laughed and told her she was nuts, he is old enough to be my father. He said I did okay in front of her.

 

He said it was no big deal that i was there - AA members visit each other. He said he would visit me if I was in hospital et cetera.

 

He said later, she said she could see how him and I were friends, compared to other AA members, we both seemed to have intelligence.

 

What was she like - quiet, friendly, stylish, a little overweight, nice.

 

Wow....not only does he brag about how both you and he got over her, he is so proud of it and complimented you on your deception performance.

 

We fooled her! isn't that wonderful darling?

 

What a prize!

 

And you are carmed by this guy....why exactly?

[Owl]

So heres what happened:

 

I decided to go NC. I didnt speak to him Saturday, but spent the day obsessing and trying to come up with other things I could do to replace the void.

 

We belong to AA, the same group, thus the connection.

 

So Sunday morning I go to the usual morning meeting. Who should stroll in but him - out of hospital on a weekend pass!

 

So he sits beside me and uses his charm and being a complete idiot, I succumb to his charms in the sense that after the meeting I agree to sit in his truck and talk to him.

 

So I asked if she said anything and he said yes, she said that I might be a little more interested in him than just AA. He said he laughed and told her she was nuts, he is old enough to be my father. He said I did okay in front of her.

 

He said it was no big deal that i was there - AA members visit each other. He said he would visit me if I was in hospital et cetera.

 

He said later, she said she could see how him and I were friends, compared to other AA members, we both seemed to have intelligence.

 

What was she like - quiet, friendly, stylish, a little overweight, nice.

 

So I'm assuming that the affair continues on, non-affected?

[Shepp]

He said it was no big deal that i was there.

What like its 'no big deal' to twist the knife in his wifes back?

He sounds like a hell of a catch

 

Guess a sense of loyalty or possessing any kind of moral compass isn't as attractive as it used to be?

 

 

I can respect a guy who punches you between the eyes but not the one who stabs you in the back - cause he's nowt but a coward.

 

What was she like - quiet, friendly, stylish, a little overweight, nice.

Yet what he's happily doing to her doesn't make you want to throw up? It would me!

What technically your helping him do?

 

I just don't get it? I judge people on there actions not on the c--p that comes out of their mouth - his actions portray him as, in my humble opinion quite frankly, spineless and a liar - I don't understand how any apparent 'charm' can change that.

 

But I just don't get it.

[Spark1111]

maybe I missed this in a previous post, but are your AA sponsors aware?

 

because this is NOT working the program....

 

It is not UNCOMMON for someone trying to beat an addiction to substitute another in its place....

 

SURELY you know this. For some it could be gambling, or hoarding, or an affair...to replace those chemical highs formerly supplied by your substance of choice.....

[Cali408]

You went to AA hoping to run into him. Go to church instead. I thought AA people weren't supposed to get involved with one another.

 

You quit the booze now quit him. period.

 

If you need AA go find another chapter.

[solostand]

I absolutely did not expect him to be at that meeting. He was supposed to be in the hospital - he got out on a weekend pass.

 

As for A.A. members not supposed to be involved - that is a myth. Many A.A. members become involved and even get married and live happily ever after.

 

The no-no is an experienced A.A. member preying on a vulnerable newcomer. This doesnt apply to us because we have the same time in.

 

I will say I was very surprised after his death-bed scene in intensive care. He told me his wife was crying and crying and begging him not to die. I fully expected him to have a crisis of conscience and call our affair off. He did not - he changed not one thing. Full steam ahead.

 

When I was sitting there with his wife I of course thought what a good liar he was. But I also thought it of myself. I also thought if there ever is a d-day, she will remember that incident and be enraged.

[underwater2010]

So both of you are "broken" in that you have some sort of addiction issue. And yet you still think it is a good idea to continue on in this relationship. You have seen first hand how much his wife cares for him and yet it is not enough for you to back off.

 

I realize he is a POS. You know realize it and have witnessed it first hand. Why stick around?

 

And if you do your research you will realize why the "13 step" or "no relationship" rule is vague but very necessary, although unwritten. While working on recovery you are supposed to focus on you and you alone. The drama of a new relationship, let alone an affair, hampers that progress regardless if you relapse or not.

 

Just as a question...how long have you been in the program and how long has he?

[waterwoman]

So lover boy should be a little more appreciative that his wife accepts him for what he is and doesn't seek out better (because she could no doubt find it).

 

 

Too f*cking right! What an ungrateful dirtbag

[Spark1111]

I absolutely did not expect him to be at that meeting. He was supposed to be in the hospital - he got out on a weekend pass.

 

As for A.A. members not supposed to be involved - that is a myth. Many A.A. members become involved and even get married and live happily ever after.

 

The no-no is an experienced A.A. member preying on a vulnerable newcomer. This doesnt apply to us because we have the same time in.

 

I will say I was very surprised after his death-bed scene in intensive care. He told me his wife was crying and crying and begging him not to die. I fully expected him to have a crisis of conscience and call our affair off. He did not - he changed not one thing. Full steam ahead.

 

When I was sitting there with his wife I of course thought what a good liar he was. But I also thought it of myself. I also thought if there ever is a d-day, she will remember that incident and be enraged.

 

I beg to differ.....

 

you are talking single, divorced or widowed members.....NOT MARRIED developing a relationship with each other....

 

You have to get your own affairs in order in AA and make amends to all you may have wronged, correct?

 

Do you have a sponsor? Does he? Do they know of the affair?

 

I guarantee NOT.

[jlola]

Honestly? His wife has already settled for less because she's married to a recovering alcoholic. Tough if no one likes that I said that - I'm qualified to make that statement as I was also married to one and would NEVER do it again.

 

So lover boy should be a little more appreciative that his wife accepts him for what he is and doesn't seek out better (because she could no doubt find it).

 

So...what's her thanks for accepting him, warts and all?

 

Cheating. Lying. Maniplating. Gaslighting. And his utter and complete disrespect by dragging his OW into the hospital room so he could get a secret, childish, selfish little thrill by having two women sitting next to each other who both actually think his worthless ass is desirable (apparently love is blind - VERY, VERY blind).

 

Honest to God, this guy just keeps lowering the bar, doesn't he?

 

Solo, here's some advice for you from a woman whose been around a long time. Watch very very carefully how a man treats his mother, his wife, his grandmother, his daughter, etc. etc.

 

If he can sink to this level of despicable disrespect towards his wife, doesn't that teach you ANYTHING about what he's all about? You already KNOW he's a liar and a cheater. And now you know he's also a cruel son of a b*tch who gets his jollies feeding his ego.

 

Aim higher.

Didn't he prove it was all about ego the first round at the hospital where he paraded Solo in front of all the nursing staff and people who knew him . then kissed her in front of everyone? Even that did not make Solo cringe.

 

He is not a good person. He is cruel,selfish,disrespectful and if you are not looking at his character and just get pulled into his superficial charm, you need to truly take time out and work on yourself.

 

This relationship is not healthy, it is toxic. In fact anyone involved with this man is in a toxic relationship. Just sick!