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I cheated but believe my husband's infidelity is worse


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Posted

I've been in my childless marriage for 9 years and found out he cheated a couple weeks ago. It's been so hard for us. I'm having a hard time dealing with this and he is expressing remorse. Another issue is I have my guilt he's unaware of (part of the reason I wasn't yelling when confronting him) but I still feel his cheating was worse for the following reason:

 

He wasn't going to stop contact with OW if I wouldn't have found out.

He had sex with OW while I didn't with OM; I think that's worse than what I did.

It really sucks that he would still have cheated even if it weren't for my guilt.

His affair was longer than mine and it also involved emotions.

 

My guilt: During our 2nd year of our marriage, I wondered off and it was with an acquaintance from my former workplace; I quitted out of guilt and ceased contact. However, the only difference is we never had intercourse (we did stuff with our cams, had made out several times and at most he went down on me but no sex) and it only lasted 2 months while my husband's cheating involved everything for nearly 5 months.

 

Part of me wants to tell him what happened but then he's probably going to use that against me and not feel remorse anymore. Should I just let him work it out and just continue keeping my guilt?

Posted
I've been in my childless marriage for 9 years and found out he cheated a couple weeks ago. It's been so hard for us. I'm having a hard time dealing with this and he is expressing remorse. Another issue is I have my guilt he's unaware of (part of the reason I wasn't yelling when confronting him) but I still feel his cheating was worse for the following reason:

 

He wasn't going to stop contact with OW if I wouldn't have found out.

He had sex with OW while I didn't with OM; I think that's worse than what I did.

It really sucks that he would still have cheated even if it weren't for my guilt.

His affair was longer than mine and it also involved emotions.

 

My guilt: During our 2nd year of our marriage, I wondered off and it was with an acquaintance from my former workplace; I quitted out of guilt and ceased contact. However, the only difference is we never had intercourse (we did stuff with our cams, had made out several times and at most he went down on me but no sex) and it only lasted 2 months while my husband's cheating involved everything for nearly 5 months.

 

Part of me wants to tell him what happened but then he's probably going to use that against me and not feel remorse anymore. Should I just let him work it out and just continue keeping my guilt?

 

You both cheated, it's best to take a break from each other to think about what you will do.

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Posted
You both cheated, it's best to take a break from each other to think about what you will do.
Yes, it's true but I've always thought cheating via intercourse was the worst type of infidelity; worse than oral, kissing or other.

 

I can't get over that.

Posted

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know that some other man had his face between your legs (but you didn't have sex).

 

Of course, maybe he'll never know if you just keep lying. He has remorse; you seem to have none.

 

His affair was worse, how exactly?

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Posted
He has remorse; you seem to have none.
I do have it but at the time I just couldn't bring myself to confess. He might have file for divorce right away. Now he might try to excuse his cheating by using mine if I were to tell him. I've been remorseful since. If I weren't then I wouldn't have quitted my former workplace nor ceased contact with OM.

His affair was worse, how exactly?
I feel like he's only sorry because I found out. The messages I found didn't seem like he was going to stop his affair. In fact, he was planning to meet her again. In addition, I didn't fall in love with the OM at the time (I only liked him) while he sure expressed love towards her too. Overall, he not only cheated completely physically with everything involved but emotionally too.
Posted

You don't have remorse if you haven't even come clean with your husband. You're clearly more focused on protecting yourself.

 

Do you really think that you deserve a repentent and remorseful husband while you just keep lying to him?

 

One thing I know for sure, you'll never really reconcile if it's about keeping score.

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Posted

You still refuse to be honest with your husband. There is no way you can justify that. Either from now on you have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. I guess you have made your choice.

 

It is interesting that everything you have been doing is self-serving.

1. You refused to be honest with your husband that you engaged in oral sex (yes it is sex) during the second year of your marriage because you feared he would divorce you which is totally self-serving and rationalized your behavior to not be truthful.

2. You still refuse to be honest with your husband now after his affair because you do not want him to use this as some sort of justification for his behavior. This again is self-serving so you still refuse to be honest and truthful yourself.

 

I guess it is all about you and what serves your best interests and let the truth and honesty be damned. What is wrong with this picture.

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Posted
(we did stuff with our cams, had made out several times and at most he went down on me but no sex)
Its still cheating, Period. Only now your trying to minimize your actions. If he never cheated on you, would you have told him about your "little cheating" incident with CAMERA and all?

 

(IMHO) Any action that has a chance to spread an STD from the sharing of bodily fluids such as kissing and "going down on you" is called sex.

  • Like 3
Posted
You don't have remorse if you haven't even come clean with your husband. You're clearly more focused on protecting yourself.

 

Do you really think that you deserve a repentent and remorseful husband while you just keep lying to him?

 

One thing I know for sure, you'll never really reconcile if it's about keeping score.

 

This ^^^^^^^^^No remorse, keeping score, comparing infidelities, wow, this is toxic and dysfunctional. Perhaps it is best if you end your marriage now because you value nothing about your union with your husband, and he apparently valued sex more than commitment.

 

Honestly, your post makes me want to just squeeze and hug my wife because she is a class act. Thanks for reminding me of how a marriage can turn out if it loses priority in a couple's life.

G

  • Like 7
Posted

I don't see the point in trying to keep the marriage together. Neither of you is committed to the other. You both seem to think so little of your marriage and of each other that you are both willing to lie to and betray each other. What is the point of staying married? Just file for divorce and let it be over. Some people are not meant for marriage, and you seem to be one of them.

Posted

You know that oral sex is......sex. I highly doubt that you would feel much relief to know that she was only giving BJ's. Also there is no such thing as good infidelity it is always bad, so you don't really to have any moral high ground here.

 

However, you have every right to be mad and if you don't feel that this relationship is salvageable, to leave. The fact that you caught him and that he would in all likelihood would still be with her, makes it very troubling. I think that this relationship can be saved, but it will call for complete honesty on both of your parts. I think the two of you have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. You two have to decide if you are both willing to forsake all others and commit yourselves to the hard work that it will take to repair the damage that has been done on both sides of the aisle. If both of you are not committed, it won't work and is a waste of time. Best of luck to you and your family.

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Posted

If the OM went down on you, then you had sex. Come on lady your an adult and yes two wrongs don't make a right but if you think that you didn't have sex just because you didn't return the favor, then you in a huge fog.

 

You also did "stuff" with your cam, sorry that's cheating. Showing your "stuff to another man is cheating.

 

At least he had the backbone to show remorse. maybe you should do the same and stop acting like you walk on water. That's nothing but being a hypocrite.

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Posted

Why are you both together, you don't respect each other, you both brought a third party into your marriage? Your honeymoon was barely over when yours started. How is oral "Sex" not sex? You don't have children together, this would be the easiest time to dissolve the legal part of your marriage since you both did a bang up job of destroying the emotional part of it. Let him be happy with his other woman, go find your former other man(unless he's married), or would that stop you? What are you holding on to, your only married on paper, a lawyer can fix that in no time at all if you don't contest it.

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Posted

Ok I guess I'll confess to him about my cheating and see how it goes from there.

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Posted
At least he had the backbone to show remorse. maybe you should do the same and stop acting like you walk on water. That's nothing but being a hypocrite.
I don't believe him at all. He'll probably create another account and see her if given the chance. I don't trust him. Yeah he is showing remorse, only after finding out when he couldn't deny it anymore.
Posted
I've been in my childless marriage for 9 years and found out he cheated a couple weeks ago. It's been so hard for us. I'm having a hard time dealing with this and he is expressing remorse. Another issue is I have my guilt he's unaware of (part of the reason I wasn't yelling when confronting him) but I still feel his cheating was worse for the following reason:

 

He wasn't going to stop contact with OW if I wouldn't have found out.

He had sex with OW while I didn't with OM; I think that's worse than what I did.

It really sucks that he would still have cheated even if it weren't for my guilt.

His affair was longer than mine and it also involved emotions.

 

I think the part that you are failing to realize is that your cheating opened this door. Not that it makes it right but, once you failed to hold up your end of the vows....they begin to mean nothing to the BS. We always have the thoughts in the back of our head that they meant nothing to you, so why should they mean anything to us. And PS....playing the his/her cheating was/is worse than mine game will get you nowhere.

 

My guilt: During our 2nd year of our marriage, I wondered off and it was with an acquaintance from my former workplace; I quitted out of guilt and ceased contact. However, the only difference is we never had intercourse (we did stuff with our cams, had made out several times and at most he went down on me but no sex) and it only lasted 2 months while my husband's cheating involved everything for nearly 5 months.

 

I am sorry but going down on someone is SEX. That is why it is referred to as ORAL SEX.

 

And some people are capable of stopping the affair and admitting to it, yet some are not. You were in a place of being ready to end it....he wasn't. And really all things considered the length of the affair is not really an issue that should be compared. I think you need to worry as to why you BOTH had one in the first place.

 

Part of me wants to tell him what happened but then he's probably going to use that against me and not feel remorse anymore. Should I just let him work it out and just continue keeping my guilt?

 

I am a little confused....he doesn't know about your affair? If that is the case you can negate the first bolded response. You need to come clean and both of you should start IC and MC in order to figure out why you both went down this path.

 

 

Sorry if my response is a little blunt, but you need to stop comparing the two....especially since you never came clean in the first place. I am sure it is confusing to him why you are remaining so calm.

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Posted

Good luck with your confession. Hopefully it clear the air and that the both of your can truly begin to recovery.

  • Like 5
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Posted
I am sure it is confusing to him why you are remaining so calm.
Yes, he was surprised I wasn't venting out on him.

 

No, underwater2010 he doesn't know about my cheating. I'm going to confess sometime this week.

Posted
However, the only difference is we never had intercourse (we did stuff with our cams, had made out several times and at most he went down on me but no sex)
Going down on you is called oral sex. Notice the word "sex" in oral sex? Oral sex is sex, so stop saying that you never had sex with your other man (OM) because you did.

 

As for you saying his was worse, they were both bad, but if I were to say which was worse it would be your affair. In the first few years of a romantic relationship studies show that the brain release very enjoyable and addictive drugs. As the years go by in a relationship, these drugs get weaker and then stop being produced. This is why the first few years of a marraige are suppose to be the bonding years, that cement the relationship as the years go by. By you cheating so early in the marraige, you cheated your husband out of you both enjoying the brain drug high together as you transferred this high to another man. This negatively impacted how you interacted with your husband ever since your affair. He probably knew that there was something wrong but never figured out what.

 

Tell your husband about your affair and start dealing with each other honestly. If it ends your marraige so be it, but it will at least give you a chance at a good and honest marraige that was sidetracked early on when you cheated.

Posted

You said he went down on you.Sorry to tell you oral is considered sex. Even if there where no penetration you still cheated.

 

Your situation isn't better then your WH/BS because you both cheated

 

you should really tell your husband what you did if you are trying to save this marriage

Posted
Ok I guess I'll confess to him about my cheating and see how it goes from there.

 

You do have to tell him. But this is going to complicate your reconciliation.

 

And don't you DARE say to him you did not have sex - oral sex is sex. In fact to some folks oral sex is more intimate than intercourse.

Posted

If both of you are cheating can you even call it a marriage?

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Posted

Reconciling after both people have cheated is exponentially more difficult. You both must be truly remorseful, suffer your BSs anger, be transparent, be introspective, avoid blameshifting,anticipate triggers, live your life like an open book, etc AND you both have to do it for someone you don't trust. You need to dig deep for patience and buckle in for the long haul.

 

You definitely can't keep lying so I applaud your decision to come clean. You also can't compare affairs. Women (generally) care much more about emotional affairs; men care more about PAs. Who is right? You feel upset that he expressed love for this woman. He'll probably be upset you so easily discarded him and it was for nothing of the sort. Again, who is right? Or maybe yours was with more people and you lied longer. Is yours worse? You will get nowhere with that kind of talk. You each your own affairs. Both people hurt. Both decisions were wrong. Own them.

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Posted

Have you both been tested for stds?

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