freddie731 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 So, I have been with this guy for 10 months. I generally enjoy my time with him, especially when we're intimate, but I find myself getting more and more bothered by some of the comments that he makes towards others. He has a habit of saying things that make him seem aloof or unempathetic (he himself said to me months ago that he really doesn't have empathy for people, but that I'm an exception). Truth be told, I don't think that he has ever said anything unempathetic to my problems, but he has on occasion said things regarding others, and to others, that make him seem somewhat aloof. Whenever they happen, they stick with me. Here are some: On one of our first dates, we sat down to eat in a restaurant, and he immediately was rude to the waitress. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember being mortified and looking away. I think he was trying to be funny, but it didn't work. More recently, when we were in the parking lot of a store, loading the car, a couple high school-aged girls came up to us and asked us to donate to a summer camp that they were a part of. They had a binder and some trinkets that they were offering; it at least seemed legit. Anyway, we said that we didn't have any money, but then my boyfriend threw in that he "helps the world with science" (he's a chemistry Ph.D. student, I'm a chemical engineering Ph.D. student). I told him after that that he sounded aloof, and he agreed. Yesterday, then, he told me that he was going to start meeting with a student from his class on a regular basis. He has said that he refuses to meet with students outside of regular office hours, but that this girl had issues that made her an exception. The student apparently is not good in science but made the switch because she was inspired by a family member. Anyway, at some point, he referred to the student as an "idiot," which he later rephrased to "ignorant" (of the subject matter of the class). I talked to him about that too, and he said that he is not in graduate school to teach...which I suppose is true, but the word "idiot" stuck with me. There have been other instances. Anyway, when we are romantic, things are good, but when I am not with him, I don't generally miss him a whole heck of a lot, and when I am with him in a non-romantic context, he often bugs me by talking about his chemistry at a high level of detail, to the point of drawing figures on restaurant placemats. I wonder if the things that he says are causing this. He has been good to me and helped me through my problems, but...I don't know. I don't feel like I love him as much as I should, and I don't know if I can see myself staying with him forever. It's weird because it goes from one extreme to the other, but maybe I enjoy being with him sexually because I would enjoy being with a lot of people sexually, regardless of their personalities. This was a rambling post, but my question is this: how do you think it might be best for me to try to forget the things that he says? Should I call him on his aloofness every time it comes up? I know that you can't really change a person, but...if you were in my situation, and you were bothered by some of his remarks, what would you do? Thanks for your advice! In summary: Boyfriend can be admittedly unempathetic or aloof. It often comes out when he talks to others or about others. I am unsure of how to handle it because I feel like I am overly bothered by it.
StanMusial Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I literally LOLed at the "helps the world with science" comment. Would've loved to heard what they said about that to each other later. Some people just don't get on well with other people. You're dating one. Enjoy.
d0nnivain Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Have you ever discussed it with him? He may be a Sheldon Cooper type from the Big Bang Theory TV show & not understand that his behavior is difficult. With respect to the waitress, was he affirmatively rude or more like short tempered & not using please / thank you? I'd gently educate him if you don't think he was being intentionally mean. 1
Cabinet Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 You should look into the definition of a narcissist. He is displaying a lot of those characteristics. They ESPECIALLY are incapable of feeling empathy for others. It isn't that he chooses not to.... he can't. His brain is not wired this way and he never will. It is a very hard road to be with a narcissist. They are often very nice to their partners in the beginning and then it erodes. Be wary.
Author freddie731 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Have you ever discussed it with him? He may be a Sheldon Cooper type from the Big Bang Theory TV show & not understand that his behavior is difficult. With respect to the waitress, was he affirmatively rude or more like short tempered & not using please / thank you? I'd gently educate him if you don't think he was being intentionally mean. It was a while ago, so I don't remember exactly what was said, but I seem to remember it being something along the lines of the waitress offering to get us drinks, and my boyfriend said something like "Well, they do some with the meal" (a special deal that they had). But I think that I am leaving something out because I think that it went on for a few moments. Anyway, I am not really sure it was mean or just short-tempered. I didn't talk to him about that, but I did talk to him about the parking lot incident and the "idiot" incident; he agreed with me about the parking lot, and he said regarding the "idiot" that, if he had an open door policy for office hours, he would never get any work done on research (which is why he is there, according to him, and that is true, but grad students are required to teach). He also said that there is an office somewhere in the building where there is always a grad student on duty, all day every weekday, to help students with questions.
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 It sounds like you aren't so interested in him and that you are not compatible in a non-sexual/romantic setting.
Author freddie731 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 It sounds like you aren't so interested in him and that you are not compatible in a non-sexual/romantic setting. It is a tough call. There are times when we have a good time, like if we go to a museum or a movie or just hang out. That's why I'm conflicted. :-/ He says that he loves me, and I feel like I should love him, but I'm very conflicted.
Uwaae Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 First of all, I dont think youre using the word aloof correctly. Second of all, this guy just sounds like a grumpy guy, and he's not grumpy to you, which means that you have a softening effect on you. You can A. leave him and get with a worse guy that cares nothing about you or B. Try to help him just be a better person in the world
Eivuwan Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 First of all, I dont think youre using the word aloof correctly. Second of all, this guy just sounds like a grumpy guy, and he's not grumpy to you, which means that you have a softening effect on you. You can A. leave him and get with a worse guy that cares nothing about you or B. Try to help him just be a better person in the world Or she can leave him and find a guy who is a better match for her. -_- 2
StanMusial Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Anyway, when we are romantic, things are good, but when I am not with him, I don't generally miss him a whole heck of a lot, and when I am with him in a non-romantic context, he often bugs me by talking about his chemistry at a high level of detail, to the point of drawing figures on restaurant placemats. Does he have any imaginary friends? Like that guy in The Beautiful Mind.
Author freddie731 Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Does he have any imaginary friends? Like that guy in The Beautiful Mind. Haha, not quite. He draws chemical structures to illustrate a reaction that he is working on.
angelcake Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 I was thinking the same thing; maybe a mild/moderate case of Asperger's?
ArcaneLady Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Some people just aren't nice. He may well have some social awkwardness, but intellectuality does not excuse it. Thing is: is it a deal breaker for you? Have you tried saying "well that seemed to be a bit harsh/rude, did you realise that?". If he can't wake up and moderate his behaviour, it's not going to get better - it'll get worse. It may simply be an insurmountable personality trait of his. If you can't deal, then leave and he can be with someone who either can put up with it or help him with it. You're not a bad person if you can't, he's just not the right person for you.
crederer Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Not enough info to go on but it sounds like he may have Aspergers. The examples you gave don't seem that bad, IMO, but they seem to bother you.
GG3 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Funny I was thinking aspergers also. Just doesn't sound like a positive person. I guess the big question is, do you think you can be with someone so negative?
ls32ssibm Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 He also sounds like he may have some delusions of grandeur going on or even narcissism.
Author freddie731 Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Hey everybody, thanks a lot for your input. I am still trying to decide what I think of the situation, but I definitely appreciate what outside observers have to say about it. I just thought that I would add this epilogue to the story. My boyfriend was away in his home state this weekend for his best friend's wedding. He was one of the few non-family members invited, and he toasted the bride and groom, and he said that he really enjoyed it and that everything was very nice. So, we had lunch today, and I was asking him about it. I then asked him about his friend's wife, what she was like. He responded by saying that he had known her for six years, and that she was nice, and had been persistent in her love for her boyfriend-turned-husband. He also said that she was "an idiot." I kept my reaction hidden and asked him why he thought that. He said that she had failed out of community college, which was shy she was "not intelligent," and that she was not a curious person. A little of my internal reaction slipped out at that point, and he responded that it was OK to point out a person's "flaws." :-/
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