Sex Is Boring

[shimmychanga]

I'm engaged, pregnant (15 weeks), and living with my fiance. I'm 30 and he's 44.

 

I find sex boring. It's also very chafey. Yes, we can use lube, but that just makes the intercourse not-painful (until the lube dries, which happens fast, and then everything's kind of sticky); it doesn't magically make it pleasurable. Lube is a band-aid on a broken leg.

 

The problem is that I'm not aroused.

 

Here are things I've tried:

 

--I bought him a book about cunnilingus awhile back (She Comes First), which he read and applied, and after that he was finally able to find my clit. But the sensation of oral sex is not powerful enough to surmount the fact that I am bored during it. I think if he was a robot and could perform oral sex for like four hours, I might eventually come, but as things are, I usually start feeling guilty x amount of minutes into it. And pull him up toward me. And then we have missionary position sex, which does nothing for me, but it's how he comes the quickest. We don't look at each other because I'm not good at faking pleasure and he has to block out the fact that I'm tolerating rather than enjoying the sex.

 

--Another note on oral sex is that it seems to be really hard for him to avoid my urethra. Having my urethra licked is a stinging sensation that sets off an "impending bladder infection" alarm bell in my brain.

 

--I had an orgasm a handful of times, before we were living together, before I was pregnant, from being on top during sex and grinding my clit against his pubic bone. Some of the times I was concentrating really hard on a brand-new fantasy I had never used before (he was in the fantasy); some of the times it was because he bit my nipples really hard. Now that I'm pregnant my nipples are extremely sensitive, and I can barely stand them being touched, much less bitten. In fact, him biting me anywhere is painful and no longer erotic the way it once was.

 

--Using a vibrator during sex doesn't make me come. I can't concentrate hard enough to make it happen with all the movement and distraction of lovemaking. Usually if we bring the vibrator out, we end up doing intercourse long enough for him to come, and then afterward I lie there and use it with my eyes closed while he touches my boobs or my hair and tries to be a part of it somehow.

 

I read in the Hite Report that 70% of women do not have orgasms from intercourse. This makes sense, since a woman's primary sexual organ is the clit and not the vagina. And the clit is only incidentally stimulated during intercourse. It doesn't get the focused, rhythmic, intense stimulation that the penis gets from sex.

 

Our sex life has become a weekly topless handjob for him... and nothing for me. I straddle him and fondle my breasts and use olive oil to give him a handjob, with an aroused expression on his face. He's VERY GRATEFUL for these handjobs, which makes me feel guilty, like he has Stockholm Syndrome since he's pleased with so little.

 

He says sex is not the most important part of a relationship. We are happy together. Both of us truly look forward to seeing each other when we get home from work. We text each other throughout the day. We consider each other best friends. He gushes all the time about how attracted he is to me, and how much he likes the way pregnancy is making my body softer and rounder. I think he's incredibly handsome and I love the way he smells. Cuddling up to him at night releases happy chemicals in my brain.

 

However, I think if we continue this way, the lack of sex will eventually tear us apart.

 

I think I am as deserving of sexual pleasure as he is. I do not think the solution is for me to start faking pleasure and enduring sex as often as he wants; the solution is for me to genuinely enjoy sex, to genuinely feel erotic pleasure, to experience something during lovemaking that I will crave.

 

Does anyone relate to this and/or have advice?

[Els]

Your problem seems to be 1) oral takes too long to get you to O, and 2) vibrators work but they don't work right during intercourse due to all the motion.

 

So... how about he performs oral on you first, then uses the vibrator on you to get you over the edge? THEN do intercourse or whatever else gets him to orgasm?

 

What do you do when you masturbate? What do you think about?

[shimmychanga]

I like that idea, Elswyth. We haven't tried that combination/sequence of events yet.

 

I feel conflicted about using the vibrator. On the one hand, I think it desensitizes the nerves in that area, which means it makes it less likely that I'll have an orgasm purely from human touch, which makes me feel like a failure.

 

On the other hand, who cares how I get there, as long as I do.

 

PS I just realized this board has a forum dedicated to Sex and it might have been more appropriate to post this thread there.

[Els]

Well, the desensitization by vibrators isn't permanent. A couple of weeks without it usually suffice for sensitivity to return to pre-vibrator state. So you can change your mind about how you want to go about things, as and when you like.

 

On the other hand, vibrators were invented by doctors out of need for women who couldn't orgasm any other way - so you're in completely legitimate company. Preferring not to use it is one thing (and totally valid), but feeling like a failure for using it is another entirely. As long as you and your F are happy with your sex life, does it really matter what societal taboo says about your methods of attaining orgasm? As it stands, you're not happy, so you need to do something about it. This may well be what ends up working best for you, and is worth a shot. If it turns out not to be, then you could explore other avenues (sex therapist, etc).

[shimmychanga]

Thank you, Elswyth. That's really good, sensible advice.

[crederer]

He is in his 40's and didn't know about the clit? He also says sex is an important part of the relationship but it doesn't sound like he backs it up.

 

 

At the end of the day it's simply a communication thing. If he doesn't want to put the effort in to please you (albeit, more complicated than pleasing him) then you should reduce his monthly HJ sessions. Only seems fair.