The realization that MY BF is Emotionally Abusive

[Malia25]

I met my boyfriend 7 months ago and in the beginning, it was amazing. He was everything I wanted and waited so long for. Feelings escalated quickly and in just 3 weeks time, we had professed our love for one another. But it wasn't long before he began to show the signs of emotional abuse, with things like...

 

- He doesn't support my talents: I was a journalism major and recently got one of my stories published in the local newspaper. All day, I got compliments and congratulatory messages from friends (and complete strangers) telling me how much they loved my story and were inspired by it. The only person who had anything negative to say was him. In fact he said he could probably write a similar story and make people cry. *_* The night before, I asked him to be supportive and buy a copy of the newspaper. He never did. He said he didn't have time....

 

- He belittles me: I admit, I can be pretty ditzy and say some pretty ridiculous things, but I'm not stupid. But he never fails to make himself seem smarter than me, especially in front of others. He loves to point out the dumb things I say or do. He tells me that I'm stupid or "so dumb" - even after I've told him repeatedly how small and ****ty it makes me feel. He'll stop for a month or so and then start right back up again. His new thing now is to make a mockery of the way I moan (in bed). Honestly, that's the last straw for me. Who does that?

 

- He's selfish: In bed. /end.

 

- He has one foot out the door: He always says "you're gonna miss me when I'm gone" in a joking (but serious) way. He doesn't have much faith in the longevity of our relationship and always thinks of the negatives instead of the positives. He hates taking pictures because "it'll be so sad to delete them when we break up..."

 

- He doesn't value me: He constantly talks about how amazing his sisters are and talks highly of his female friends. He never speaks this way of me...at least not to me. I have no idea how he describes me to his friends, but I can't imagine he speaks as highly of me as he does with the other females in his life. It saddens me to know/think I am not special or talented in his eyes.

 

- He pretends to abuse me: He thinks it's so hilarious to pretend that he's gonna punch or hit me, or say "I'm going to beat you" as he breaks into stupid laughter. He does this in front of other people and it is so embarrassing to see the deer in the headlights look on their faces because they think he's serious. This is another thing that I've told him repeatedly to stop doing because it is pathetic and immature. He thinks it's hilarious.

 

- He never compliments me: He says that if he doesn't say anything, then that itself is a compliment. If he critiques my hair or outfit, it's because he cares. He thinks he looks better than me, too. He hella does not (and I hate to use the word 'hella', but it sounds about right). I know I'm attractive, but he never lets me know it, even when he knows that I've spent hours getting ready. I would have to fish for a compliment, when in reality, I can see heads turn when I walk by. I mean that in the least narcissistic way. ;]

 

....so why the hell am I still with him, right? No, I don't think he's going to change. No, I don't think he'll ever see the wrong of his ways. Yes, I do believe he really does love me deep down. He's been damaged by his previous relationship and no, that is not an excuse for his behavior. He was actually supposed to be out of town this week for work, but when he told me he wasn't going anymore, I was actually annoyed. I wanted him to leave! What's wrong with me (for feeling this way, for staying, for accepting his behavior) and what the hell is wrong with him to act and say the crap he does??

 

I recognize his behavior as emotional abuse and in the beginning, it really began to tear down my own self-esteem and confidence. Before I met him, I actually thought that I was amazing and intelligent and he broke all that confidence from me. Even though we are still together, I've rebuilt my confidence on my own and I think that is why I can move forward without looking back. I know I've done nothing wrong and I know I'm still the greatest.....moreso w/o him. A part of me wants to stay and work on this with him (together), but another part of me says I'll be happier if I go. Right now would not be the best time to leave. His sister was just diagnosed with cancer, so I know this will only burden him more...and I care too much for him to leave him in his time of need. I truly am a little lost (but found) if that makes sense. Thank you for reading. I'm not sure what I wanted when writing this, but I actually feel a little better getting that off my chest. I've only told one close friend the truth about him, so I guess the honesty and anonymity of members here makes me feel a little more...free.

 

PS> Those are all signs of an emotional abuser...rrright?

[FitChick]

So when are you dumping him? We teach people how to treat us.

[soccerrprp]

You have all the answers you need. Leave him before it becomes too difficult or near impossible to do so.

[KatZee]

Yep, that would do it. He's definitely emotionally abusive. My ex gradually became emotionally abusive towards me as well. Get out now while you're still a human being.

 

I stayed with my ex for close to 3 years and at the end of those three years I had no idea who I was anymore. I was a shell. No confidence, no voice. No passions. He broke me down and beat me down to nothing.

 

I was always walking on eggshells around him. He would gaslight me, if I tried to communicate with him about an issue (not even yelling or fighting, just TALKING) he would tell me I just loved to start drama and he didn't want to deal with me, and then he'd ignore me for 2-3 days, basically to "punish" me.

 

If I did something he didn't like, he'd ice me out. Get rude and nasty. I basically had to always watch what I was doing or saying around him for fear of setting him off and causing him to ice me out again.

 

He wasn't supportive of me at all. I kissed his a.ss for the whole relationship but all he had to say to me was, "why are you still at the job you're at?" "how are you your age and still living at home with your parents?" (meanwhile HE WAS too).

 

He never particularly gave a crap about me, everything always revolved around him. What he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. We never did anything I WANTED to do. Very selfish and self absorbed individual.

 

He was selfish in bed too. Refused to ever do oral because he had been "traumatized" by it in the past. He had no problem laying back and asking ME to do it for him though.

 

He would control the relationship by saying things like, "I'm not sure we're right together. I'm not sure I want to be with you. I want to be single. I'm not happy. You put a bad taste in my mouth. I can't handle how you act." And after he verbally vomited all over me he would say, "Oh but I love you and don't want to lose you."

 

He blatantly allowed his friends to disrespect me and abuse me right to my face and never stood up for me or defended me. He actually once told me, "You don't bend over backwards far enough for my friends. They're allowed to treat you that way, they've been around longer than you have."

 

I feel like dating my ex was like living on a whole other planet. Trust me. Leave. Leave before you turn into a pile of nothing like I did.

[Grumpybutfun]

Mali25:

Yes, it is considered emotional abuse and is a category of Domestic Violence. You are very lucky that you are recognizing the signs so early into your relationship. Leaving now will be painful, but not as much as later when you are married or have children.

If you cannot imagine a quality of life that is peaceful, happy and healthy, then you must leave right now....or ten minutes ago. Emotional abuse only gets worse in time, as he is now just setting up the conditioning so you lose your self-respect/ self-esteem.

Contact an abuse hotline if you need to speak to someone as this can be very traumatic. Scars on our bodies heal, but the internal scars from words stay long after and affect how we perceive the world around us and ourselves. You do not want the father of your children behaving like this, do you?

In Support,

Grumps

[happywithlife]

It will be hard but it would be in your best interest to leave now. Not only is he emotionally abusive but most likel he has a personality disorder. He will not change b/c he does not view his actions as wrong. The longer you stay the more he will wear down your confidence and selfwoth.

 

If and when you leav go no contact and stick to it. Best of luck!

[Malia25]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, advice and personal (shared) stories. It really means a lot to me and has helped me further put things into perspective. When I initially wrote that post, I had never actually taken the time to research "signs of an emotional abuser". After writing that post, I looked up the signs and was honestly heartbroken to see how those signs perfectly aligned with his behaviors. I only came to the true realization that he was abusive yesterday, after a conversation with my friend. And it was something that I had known and seen for a while, but to express it to another is the admittance that I've become that woman. I never thought I would be in this situation and it has left me feeling so stupid, embarrassed and ashamed.

 

I grew up with a mom that was physically and emotionally abused, and she always feared and thought it would someday happen to me too. I remember at the beginning of our relationship, I told that to him - how my mom always thought I would end up abused too - and he laughed hysterically and said my mom was right, and he could so see that happening to me too. =/ There's so many little signs that I didn't see before that have become so clear to me...and it's so sad. I actually find myself missing my last long term relationship - not because I miss my ex- but because of the way he treated me, with respect, admiration...and dignity. Something that is lacking in this relationship. I know I need to leave, and I will...

[Malia25]

Thank you for sharing your story Katzee. I'm sorry you had to go through almost 3 years of that disrespect, but I believe we all meet certain people and go through situations for a reason.

 

 

I was always walking on eggshells around him. He would gaslight me, if I tried to communicate with him about an issue (not even yelling or fighting, just TALKING) he would tell me I just loved to start drama and he didn't want to deal with me, and then he'd ignore me for 2-3 days, basically to "punish" me.

 

I'm in that situation now. I drove to his softball game 4 days ago, which was way out in the middle of nowhere (think pitch black cornfields). It was one of the coldest nights of the week and I sat there for an hour and a half, waiting for him. When the game was over, he was on his phone the whole time, didn't even acknowledge me and started speedwalking back to his car w/o me. He finally said something to me when he was already across the street (and I was still on the other side), yelling at me to meet him at his house in 20 minutes. Meanwhile, I walked back to my car by myself in the dark. I was so embarrassed and pissed off. He called 2x in a row, that I didn't answer. I didn't hear from him since that day, so I texted him to ask how his sister was doing. I was worried that maybe something had happened to her (she has cancer)...and he said she was rushed to the ER that night, which is why he left so fast. That doesn't excuse his behavior. He could have told me still. I let him know this through text, and he has been ignoring me ever since...I feel as punishment (and also because I'm sure he's preoccupied). It pisses me off that he doesn't see he was in the wrong.

 

He would control the relationship by saying things like, "I'm not sure we're right together. I'm not sure I want to be with you. I want to be single. I'm not happy. You put a bad taste in my mouth. I can't handle how you act." And after he verbally vomited all over me he would say, "Oh but I love you and don't want to lose you."

 

I know this feeling exactly. After saying something hurtful to me, he would say (in the most saccharine and fakest of ways) "...but I LOVE you baby." He's said the same way in that same manner so much that the words have become immune and empty to me. And when I let him know how non-genuine his words sounded, he would laugh in return, like he knew something I didn't.

 

He blatantly allowed his friends to disrespect me and abuse me right to my face and never stood up for me or defended me. He actually once told me, "You don't bend over backwards far enough for my friends. They're allowed to treat you that way, they've been around longer than you have."

 

One of our first fights ever was because of something HIS stupid friend said about me. His friend commented on my outfit (which was "unfashionable" in his eyes), and this left my bf so embarrassed that he chastised me for not making a good first impression. And then went on to tell me how his ex always looked good and on point. After that, I changed the way I dressed to please him - and even then, he still would never compliment me. I hate that I changed for him in a way that didn't benefit me. So pathetic.

 

Thank you Katzee. I know millions of men and women go through this feeling, but it's nice to hear your perspective. I'm glad you were strong enough to leave.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for sharing your story Katzee.....I'm glad you were strong enough to leave.

 

The thing is - are you?

And if not - why not?

[jba10582]

Unfortunately, I feel like early life experiences have large influences on a person's behavior and over a long-term relationship, issues are brought from deep in a person's subconcious to the surface. In some cases this can be postive and part of the healing process if that person becomes aware at the right time. Otherwise they continue to do damage as it takes it effect and is directed at you. It will take effort on his part to do his own healing and change, yet it can happen. You cannot change someone else. Only they can change themselves with the right motivation and with time and awareness. That is largely out of your control. You'll reach your own conclusion and resolve in a matter of time.

[Algon]

I don't want to act a psychologist when I am not one, but I suggest that you read Whose Face Is in the Mirror? by Dianne Schwartz.

PS> Those are all signs of an emotional abuser...rrright?

Yes. Signs of emotional abuser. And he could turn the 'I will beat you' part into reality, one day. And won't say sorry.

 

Run while you can.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Algon

[Uwaae]

The Poster does sound like she has depression issues.

 

The guy sounds like he's not the greatest guy in the world, but pretty soon you have to look at yourself and say "Do I deserve this?"

 

You dont tell us how you act towards the guy either, so, I'll reserve judgement on this guy

[Larry Walker]

More proof right here that women love jerks. Why else would she be with this loser?

 

If he was a supplicating nice guy she would have dumped him long ago.

[KatZee]

More proof right here that women love jerks. Why else would she be with this loser?

 

If he was a supplicating nice guy she would have dumped him long ago.

 

No, women don't "love" jerks. Guys like this are a.ssholes. They put on this whole facade, pretend to be the most amazing people on earth, they lure you, get you to fall in love and then that's when they shift. That's how it happened with me, and my ex's abuse wasn't like a switch that was off and then on. It was slight. Very subtle. It happened over time.

 

He would do something one day, and then nothing, and so I'd chalk it up to a "bad day" or whatever else. Then something else would happen, but he'd apologize and say he didn't want to lose me. It's a whole game they play. It's all manipulation and toxic behavior.

 

Before you even realize it, you're someone you don't even recognize anymore. But you're in love. And they've beaten you down so far that you start to believe that YOU'RE the problem. That's what my ex did to me. I was so convinced it was all my fault we weren't working out. It was because of me that he was always upset with me. It was my fault his friends were disrespectful. Everything was always me, and I always promised I'd change and do better.

 

Once you're that brainwashed, it's very hard to walk away.

[Phantom888]

By staying with him, you are reinforcing his behavior, making him think he can treat you badly. Why would you encourage that? If you don't like his ways, tell him to stop or LEAVE. He is abusive to you because you LET HIM!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

No, women don't "love" jerks. Guys like this are a.ssholes. They put on this whole facade, pretend to be the most amazing people on earth, they lure you, get you to fall in love and then that's when they shift. That's how it happened with me, and my ex's abuse wasn't like a switch that was off and then on. It was slight. Very subtle. It happened over time.

 

He would do something one day, and then nothing, and so I'd chalk it up to a "bad day" or whatever else. Then something else would happen, but he'd apologize and say he didn't want to lose me. It's a whole game they play. It's all manipulation and toxic behavior.

 

Before you even realize it, you're someone you don't even recognize anymore. But you're in love. And they've beaten you down so far that you start to believe that YOU'RE the problem. That's what my ex did to me. I was so convinced it was all my fault we weren't working out. It was because of me that he was always upset with me. It was my fault his friends were disrespectful. Everything was always me, and I always promised I'd change and do better.

 

Once you're that brainwashed, it's very hard to walk away.

 

Yep, that was the way it happened with me too.

 

We were married for three years and then when I got pregnant this crap surfaced and got out of control.

 

Eventually my husband had to take a domestic violence course to be able to see his daughter. (Although I will say in his defense that there were only two instances of physical abuse, one from me after I caught him cheating and one from him about a month later, somewhat in retaliation for that. Both incidents were not while our daughter was present nor did those particular instances play a told in him having to go to the DV course. Not have there been any instances since.)

 

He learned a lot about his own personal responsibility and how to respond to stress.

 

He wasn't a "inherently bad" person but in a lot of ways still doesn't "get it." If someone is so damaged to be so emotionally withholding at this pint in a relationship it is SO important to get out of it. And if you aren't in physical danger, but very blunt about why you are leaving (if you want to do him a favor which by no means are you required to do. Maybe write a letter or something. Or email a link to this thread.)

 

The reason I say that is: these issues often hàve a deep root that the abuser doesn't recognize AND these things can take YEARS to sort out, if EVER.

 

I take it you probably will want to have a long-term relationship etc. and msybe in the future have kids. If that's the case.... LEAVE NOW. This guy won't get a clue with you staying with him and there are many other candidates who will form a much better match.

 

DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ABUSING YOU.

 

Making fun of the way you are in bed is just pathetically tasteless.

 

How immature. Seriously. My husband has gas that would shake the foundations of Rome he has no issue producing in front of me, but he would NEVER have done that.ugh.

[wavejumper]

 

 

DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ABUSING YOU.

.

 

and I'll add- trying to use logic with him will be a waste of time.

 

seriously, I get you love him, but he is toxic. you have to decide if you love yourself enough to take a stand and sever him from your life. explaining why to him at this point is useless (and is probably a attempt to get him to change). it ain't gonna happen, dear. the sooner you realize this and move on, the sooner you can start building your self esteem, which right now sounds pretty low.

 

good luck

[dreamingoftigers]

and I'll add- trying to use logic with him will be a waste of time.

 

seriously, I get you love him, but he is toxic. you have to decide if you love yourself enough to take a stand and sever him from your life. explaining why to him at this point is useless (and is probably a attempt to get him to change). it ain't gonna happen, dear. the sooner you realize this and move on, the sooner you can start building your self esteem, which right now sounds pretty low.

 

good luck

 

I only meant as a final courtesy.

 

That's all. And I also think you DO NOT OWE IT TO HIM.

 

It was only if you wanted to. BUT NOT SO YOU LISTEN TO HIS PROMISES OF "I'll change this/that/other thing." Or have to listen to garbage about how you were abusive because of that time you forgot the milk at the grocery store you had a Frustrated look on your face.

 

I kind of meant like write it out on Facebook and then block him from all of your social media and specifically request "no contact" or the like.

 

Not about changing him for you at all.

 

My husband once before we really got together called me a name and I left him on the side of a highway. (He was fine he used to hitchhike for ten years).

 

I just wouldn't have accepted that in a relationship at your stage at all.

 

Granted, we shouldn't have gotten together after that. But truth be told I didn't have anything compared to this behaviour prior to three years after we were married. I just think OP, what would your boyfriend treat you like AFTER three years of marriage if he has no qualms about treating you this way now? Scary thought.....

 

I am NOT advocating that you try to change or explain yourself to this guy as a way to defend leaving him. AT ALL.

 

I am NOT recommending you stay either.

 

There were three reasons I chose to stay with my husband given the circumstances. NEITHER apply to you:

 

1. We had a fairly lengthily history before these issues came up that did not involve abuse. I have one friend who is going through similar issues to what I had in my marriage and she HAS NOT had a decent history with the man in question. However she fights and fights and fights to save it. While he treats her like a built-in babysitter he can freak out on when he's stoned or drunk. What's she saving? They had like one good month before she moved in with this guy and he was creepy even then. Not worth it at all IMHO.

 

2. When he went ape, I chucked him out and we separated. I refused to have my daughter exposed to that level of stupidity and I knew that as long as I didn't tolerate that, I would be fine. How did he respond? HE GOT HELP. We also attended marital counseling during that time.

 

3. We have a child together whom he does not abuse. In fact, he is GREAT with her. A very very loving Dad. Right from Day One.

 

4. (Bonus reason) he took FULL RESPONSIBILTY through ACTION AND WORD regarding his treatment of me. Plus there have been NO FURTHER INCIDENTS of DV.

 

But HE STILL HAS WORK TO DO. To be fair, we both do. As long as we are working toward resolving our personal and marital issues in a non-toxic way, that is completely different than a bf at the dating stage who is already devaluing and belittling you.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER OP!

[FitChick]

Luckily for the OP, she isn't married and doesn't have kids. Then she'd really be screwed.

 

People are afraid of change, even if it means they will be happier. They like the familiar, even if they are miserable.

[dreamingoftigers]

Luckily for the OP, she isn't married and doesn't have kids. Then she'd really be screwed.

 

People are afraid of change, even if it means they will be happier. They like the familiar, even if they are miserable.

 

She could still leave if that was the case though. And should leave any situation of active abuse.

 

The following factors would've applied to me:

 

1) had not had a good, long-term relationship previous to the abuses we never would have married anyhow but if (just for the sake of argument) we had got married etc out of that circumstance, I would've just divorced.

 

2) had not gone through the DV course and marital counseling, we would have divorced.

 

3) he hadn't had a mental health diagnosis that he began treating we would've divorced.

 

4) if my husband EVER called my child name, got physical with her or very put-downish, screamed at her etc. EVER. I would've divorced him. And if it wasn't a form of domestic violence I probably would have castrated him. But he's not like that at all (thank God).

 

5) if there had been any recurring or relapsing incidents anything at all like whàt I dealt with before we would've divorced as well.

 

It's a pretty basic thing.

He also has the same rights/views. If I hit him or called him a bunch or names or screamed in his face it would be a done deal.