Not sure where to go from here

[Sunbathe]

Hope this isn't too long to read!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am 20 and he is 19. Our relationship has been very unstable for the last year or so, and he has not been the loving, affectionate guy that I fell in love with for a long time now. Over the last 2 years he has been very close to breaking up with me 3 times. The first time he thought long and hard but decided to give us another try earnestly. The second time he decided he wanted to see how the next few months went with us staying together. The last occurrence was this past spring, I think in March. He had basically broken up with me only to change his mind within a few hours, saying that his final decision is that he wants to stay with me, and that he will stop flip-flopping on his decision.

 

Fast forward to a few months later, the beginning of the summer, and once again he has changed his mind. Now he is fairly certain we are just not compatible but since we are living together until May, he is willing to see if the next year goes really well. He "has his opinion that we are incompatible but does have some hope otherwise he wouldn't exhaust all efforts like this".

 

But all summer long he was very distant and definitely did not give his full effort. He blamed the majority of our relationships problems on me, and was "waiting for me to take responsibility" and take care of his needs. I will fully admit that I have made several mistakes throughout our relationship but nothing that I have not owned up to and worked on in order to improve myself and his happiness. He wanted a ton of space this summer, so that is what I gave him. He spent the majority of his summer with his friends, and the times that we did spend together he was not himself at all. He did not joke around with me or talk to me like he did with everyone else. Because of this I perhaps got a bit too naggy in telling him what needs of mine were not being satisfied (any really) and for that he grew increasingly distant. I tried to make the best of my summer and reconnected with a lot of lost friends as well as made some new ones despite the fact that underneath it all I was miserable. Looking back I am so glad I made that effort to try to expand my social support system because it has helped me grow a lot as an individual.

 

In September we moved back to school (he attends the same college as me) in an off campus apartment. Tensions were running really high at this point as I was seeing him interact with our other roommates all the time and noticing how poorly I was being treated and how insignificant I felt to him. He was literally spending 0 time with me, would not cuddle me in bed, hardly talked to me. I spent many days that month feeling utterly helpless, crying a lot, depressed. We would get into the most awful arguments.

 

We began couples counseling at our school in order to ease the tension, learn how to communicate better, and get both of our needs met. Since we have been going regularly every week, we have been miles better at handling conflict. He has slightly improved his treatment of me... he comes to bed with me a few nights a week and cuddles, initiates hanging out once in a while, and we began to have sex again. Although he still admits he doesn't particularly want to spend time with me, he is still making the effort.

 

A few days ago, in conversation one day during lunch I just asked him how he is feeling about us lately and he responded with that he hadn't thought about it at all. I got frustrated and calmly told him that he needs to start thinking about it. I told him that I am not going to wait until May to hear if he wants to be with me or not, and he needs to seriously start considering it now so I can move on with my life. He agreed that he keeps pushing thinking about it off, and that since I finally bluntly brought it up he will give it thought and stop subconsciously putting it off. Later that night he came to me and sincerely apologized for his treatment of me over the last year and brought up how although I have made mistakes he has been much more at fault for everything than he has let on. He cried with me. He expressed his desire to start treating me as I deserve for as long as we are a couple, whether it be a few months or 80 years. Of course I am reluctant to believe this since he has been so wishy washy but I thanked him for his apology.

 

While talking I learned that it is not just us he is unsure about. He is unsure of himself, of who he is, of what he wants out of life. I had kind of already guessed this but it is the first time he has admitted this out loud. I told him that he needs to figure this all out for himself, and that I cannot keep getting strung along. I told him that I thought I was a real catch, and he completely agreed. He said I have always been a catch, especially more so now as I have grown up a whole lot over the last few months... and that this makes deciding what to do very difficult. I can tell he is being sincere during this conversation.

 

So now here I am. By now I have fully accepted the fact that breaking up is realistic. I have my days where I feel very sad over this fact, but for the most part I am okay. I know I will be okay whether we end up together or not. Of course ideally we would be together, but I will move on if that is not the case. I don't have a whole lot of hope because I can see how confused he is... I would say the odds are 75% we break up, 25% we stay together. I think he may just need to find himself, but that cannot be my decision to make.

 

I am just unsure of where to go from here. Of course I will continue to have honest conversations about this with him no matter how tough it is... but how involved should I be in his life while he tries to figure his crap out? I love the guy and I want to spend time with him, I enjoy helping him out, but I'm not so sure my involvement is appropriate. I don't think he will realize what he is missing unless I am absent, though this is not entirely possibly since we live together. Should I continue to ask for what I need, such as conversation and alone time and affection, or should I just completely let him be and let him initiate all that stuff? Is there a happy medium? I don't know how to proceed.

 

I realize from this post he probably sounds like the world's biggest jerk and I seem like a complete idiot for sticking around, but he is truly a genuine, honest, compassionate guy. He has far more good qualities than bad... he is just very very lost and has been for a while. He is far more introspective and deep thinking than anyone I have ever met (which I think may contribute to his confusion over life as he has to think about everything). I feel for his pain and hurt, but I am emotionally spent and will not wait much longer for this man. But what do I do in the meantime?

 

Thanks for reading <3

[d0nnivain]

College changes people. Since you are roommates, at the end of the semester will somebody be moving out? I don't see how this will work if you are both stuck under the same roof until Spring.

[AllTooWell]

I don't know if this is what you want to hear but

 

I went through something very similar. Ex was, whether he realized it or not, very confused, lost, etc. He really needed time to find himself. He didn't realize it until I said it.

 

 

Sometimes we lose ourselves; in relationships, in school, in work. You guys are both really young and it makes perfect sense for him to want to explore (not necessarily relationships with other girls) but to explore himself - who he really is, what he really wants, how he feels - separate from someone else. It is important to develop that knowledge. Some people are able to do this in a relationship; and some people aren't.

 

It's obvious you love this guy and really care for him - you've literally stuck with him and kept trying when other people would walk away. Been there.

 

I can't say what will happen in your situation but this is what I can tell you: I was there too. And every day was different; some days were so good, some were so painful I was depressed and crying and in so much emotional and mental pain. I was getting dragged around and experimented with while he tried to figure himself out. I genuinely believe he wasn't trying to hurt me, but he did. And like you, I tried to stick it out, and I did for a long time. But the thing about self-development is that it is "self" - not "us" not "relationship" just self. I left because I did not think he could ever do it with me there, and it was hurting me, and in turn him, to try and balance both.

 

 

I don't think it's a good idea to live together. One of you needs to move out to get space and perspective. If you're both on the lease, talk to the landlord and see if he/she will let you out of the lease, or let you find a sublet. You need the space to think. It shouldn't be all about him. You have needs that deserve to be filled.

[Sunbathe]

I don't think it's a good idea to live together. One of you needs to move out to get space and perspective. If you're both on the lease, talk to the landlord and see if he/she will let you out of the lease, or let you find a sublet. You need the space to think. It shouldn't be all about him. You have needs that deserve to be filled.

 

The problem is that I don't think we have any other option but to live together until May (this is when the lease is up). Most of our friends still live in dorms, and since we decided to commute to school this year, neither of us have on-campus housing. Home is too far away for either of us to move back to as well. I am literally stuck in this situation.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm pretty sure I know in my heart he does need time apart from me to explore, but some days it is very hard to accept this. I think he wants to be able to explore with little commitment for a while, but still keep me around for when he finally decides he can commit, because we truly are a good match. I have made it very clear that any break-up between us is permanent and that we would not be able to be friends for a very long time... he understood this, but did not seem to like that answer very much.