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Why do some people get so angry when A BXW doesnt cope well with an affair?

SoAlone88

By SoAlone88
in Infidelity

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SoAlone88 Member

SoAlone88

Posted
Posted (edited)

Bear with me, because my thoughts are all over the place now.

 

On here, and other places I often see people telling BXWs to "get over it" or stop to playing the victim/bitter. But they are the victim, are they not? How can a woman not be bitter after the love of their life has left them to be with another woman? Why does it seem that some people enjoy rubbing the fact in BXWs faces? Some XWS & OW seem to feel astonished if the XBW isn't congratulating them on their happiness.

 

When someone you love decides they no longer feel the same, it causes unbearable pain. If they leave you because they love someone else more than you well... It damages your self esteem horribly. It also causes you to lose faith in any future man. Because if the last one did it, who is to say the next one won't? It's not like you can look in to the future to see if a prospective partner will cheat or not. This can make someone jaded.

 

Even if she does manage to learn to trust again, if she has children, it's not likely she will be able to find love again. As someone else pointed out in another thread, few ''good" men are willing to date someone with kids. And we see it all the time. Single/divorced moms never finding real love again and growing old alone. nOt to mention, she might have kids that have would have trouble accepting another man in their life.

 

So not does she only have to deal with someone she loves being happy with someone else ( and often times also dealing with the fact that person and their new love don't really Care about their pain ), they also have to deal with the fact they might end up alone for the rest of their life. This is especially true if they are older.

 

It just seems to me that people expect the most out of the BS in many situations.

Edited by SoAlone88
  • Like 7
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

maybe because the exBS is now interfering w/"their" happily ever after?? I don't know. But I Do pray for peace of spirit for those who don't have it*

  • Like 2
Raena Established Member

Raena

Posted
Posted

Guess what...

 

You just described me.

 

I'm older (43), I have a child and my SO decided he didn't love me enough to be faithful so he found a younger twat who seems to really enjoy going on an on about how happy she is that she is going to be with him now.

 

The only thing you didn't mention was... not only do I get to watch him be happy with her... but now I may also have to send my son to be with a woman who despises me while I get to sit at home alone, heartbroken and jaded.

 

My ex can't figure out why I am still upset about this all. I'm having daily anxiety attacks about what's about to happen to me and what the future holds and he just doesn't get it. According to him... I should just "get over it". 11 years together and I'm supposed to be "over it" in 3 weeks time.

 

Yeah. I don't get why anyone would think it is ok to tell me to "just get over it" and "stop playing the victim"

 

I did nothing wrong.

 

All I did was love a man who I thought loved me too.

 

He ripped my heart to shreds and then let his white trash whore rub it in my face.

  • Like 12
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
On here, and other places I often see people telling BXWs to "get over it" or stop to playing the victim/bitter. But they are the victim, are they not? How can a woman not be bitter after the love of their life has left them to be with another woman? Why does it seem that some people enjoy rubbing the fact in BXWs faces? Some XWS & OW seem to feel astonished if the XBW isn't congratulating them on their happiness.

No one has the right to tell you to "get over it". You feel what you feel and moving through those stages is part of the process. Many of those feelings are healthy outlets for the pain involved.

 

But at some point - when you're ready - you have ask yourself hard questions. How long do you want to be a victim? Life goes on, how will you move on? And once you're done grieving the past, what does the future hold?

 

It's possible that some of the people you describe, rather than minimizing your feelings, are trying to gently nudge you in a more positive direction. Only you can decide if you're ready to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted
Guess what...

 

You just described me.

 

I'm older (43), I have a child and my SO decided he didn't love me enough to be faithful so he found a younger twat who seems to really enjoy going on an on about how happy she is that she is going to be with him now.

 

The only thing you didn't mention was... not only do I get to watch him be happy with her... but now I may also have to send my son to be with a woman who despises me while I get to sit at home alone, heartbroken and jaded.

 

My ex can't figure out why I am still upset about this all. I'm having daily anxiety attacks about what's about to happen to me and what the future holds and he just doesn't get it. According to him... I should just "get over it". 11 years together and I'm supposed to be "over it" in 3 weeks time.

 

Yeah. I don't get why anyone would think it is ok to tell me to "just get over it" and "stop playing the victim"

 

I did nothing wrong.

 

All I did was love a man who I thought loved me too.

 

He ripped my heart to shreds and then let his white trash whore rub it in my face.

 

Sorry that you are having this horrible experience. Some never get over it and it takes time to deal with the betrayal.

 

The next time someone suggests that you should be over this, how would they feel if you do this to him?

 

I hope you are in counseling. For yourself, do the 180 and cut him out of your life.

 

Shouldn't he be paying child support and alimony or something under the separation agreement?

 

Tell him it takes time to heal when someone rips your heart out of your chest and throws it into the fire.

  • Like 3
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

Soalone, just reading again and thought, as much as this sucks rocks for you right now, you DON'T have to "watch him go be happy with her..." as Raena wrote (not a diss Raena. A Very good point actually*).

I am well aware you will be forced to glimpse whatever happiness they choose to show you/rub in your face, and it will sting worse than the bitter bite of death for a while (I'm getting to my point here, sorry) BUT you DON'T have to "watch". As a matter of fact, I would encourage you to Not watch or look or listen or dwell on Any happiness they portray to you or online or to people whom they know might "share" with you.

 

-Don't engage in conversation with him or her (especially her)

-Keep the talks short & ONLY regarding your child

-Don't linger after child drop off or pick up "watching" them drive away (they'll probably hope you Are watching to give you an extra special display of affection from what she sounds like)

-DO allow yourself to find your own happiness!

-DO allow exH & OW to "watch" You go and be Happy!

-DO allow your son to see how the Right way to behave is done through your own actions

 

I rooting for you SoAlone*

  • Like 5
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

As a reminder, there shall be no disparaging comments about fellow members without sanctions attached. This is a forum to post about one's real life issues with infidelity, not to bash other members who post here. If people in real life are getting angry when a BW doesn't cope well with an affair, discuss that. Thank you!

scatterd Established Member

scatterd

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think some have not experienced the pain, have no compassion, and are even the OP their selfs, ext. It is unrealistic to think a victim should be the better person when they were to begin with. Being hurt in that way is hard and takes some time to heal. When the person that cheats on you says it they had their time to get over it and the OP to ease the break up .Its rude and UN compassionate to say that to someone grieving.You will get all kinds of opinions on here take the ones that are useful and don't let the others get to you.If it is the ex that cheated I would not expect them to care anymore then they did. Remember also that some may mean the comment as they care and want you to continue to be the better person.

Edited by scatterd
  • Like 1
Raena Established Member

Raena

Posted
Posted

Soalone... I think you and I... and every other woman that is in this same boat... need to take back the reigns so to speak.

 

I can't let his actions define my life and neither can you. No matter what anyone else says, you have a right to feel upset. You have a right to question what will happen in the future and how it will affect your relationships. They are all very valid points.

 

In the end, I hope that we can both find some solace in the fact that while yes, the road will be tough, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will make it.

 

Finding someone else to trust and love may not be what you need for awhile. Focus on you and what your needs are and then make that happen. Spoil yourself, take time for fun, make new friends, reconnect with old ones. Ignore the SOB who broke your heart and focus on making your own future what YOU want it to be.

 

At least, this is what I keep telling myself and asking my best friend to repeatedly tell me over and over so that I get it. Life isn't over yet. I may be older but I'm not dead yet. I still have plenty life to live.

  • Like 1
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

William the Moderator, I hope your comment wasn't to me?? If so please pm me & let me know how cause I don't want to do it again*

  • Like 1
seren Established Member

seren

Posted
Posted

One of the things I learned about being a BS was that everything I thought I knew about infidelity was wrong. From how I imagined A's to be, to how I would deal with my H being the the person who would hurt me so badly. Everything I thought I would do wasn't what I actually did.

 

I found myself saying to people that none knew how they would react until they had to. I have said and heard people say they would leave, no question and then when it happens find themselves reconciling. Everyone does what they need to, I have read and heard people say that a Bs should be over it by now and think, who

decides when now is.

  • Like 4
jnj express Established Member

jnj express

Posted
Posted

things may seem pretty crappy to you now---but in time, you will get over it, and in time you will start a new life---even if you are at an age 40 yrs and beyond

 

Life goes on, and you have to make yourself move on with it---if for no other reason, then you have kids to raise and protect

 

As to anyone else writing or telling you their opinions of what you need/should do---pay attention to what the have to say, or ignore them---if the tone of what is before you, I something you do not like---ignore it

 

As to your X and his new friend---I have one stat for you ---97% of relationships that started with an A---FAIL

  • Like 3
Shocked Suzie Established Member

Shocked Suzie

Posted
Posted

I can relate to this too, I felt that all eyes were on me, how I was gonna act and deal with the situation...I felt very judged, while I struggled to pick up the pieces and create stability for my shattered children... while me ex was off having fun in his new life, with what it seemed without a care in the world

 

I often wondered how a relationship built on such foundations seem to work out... Thing is you don't truly know if they are happy, I also believe that you only live once and that you should live it how n whoever you choose 'there are just kinder was of doing this'.

 

I decided in the early stages to take the higher ground, cut off all kinds of contact, draw positives out of the negatives, learn about myself again, cut off friends that are connected and stop looking at social media... I've been told I've been too soft on him and made it all so easy...

 

I on the other hand feel that ive saved myself from a lot of hear ache, stress

and draining 'my' needed energy at a very difficult time.

 

Think over all we just need to focus on self love/happiness and the rest 'whatever path' single or not will fall into place. When finding yourself you then see what you want, values and will then be able to trust again.

 

Rather than life is at a dead end, life has a new chapter... Some people speak without thinking and have no idea of the shock, sorrow and rejection.

 

SS x

  • Like 3
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted
William the Moderator, I hope your comment wasn't to me?? If so please pm me & let me know how cause I don't want to do it again*

Steering statements are a general advisory to any member reading the thread. If you had been specifically in violation warranting an infraction, that would have been your constructive notice. I don't see any such notice, so I guess everything worked out. Please continue the discussion. Thanks!

jnel921 Established Member

jnel921

Posted
Posted
Bear with me, because my thoughts are all over the place now.

 

On here, and other places I often see people telling BXWs to "get over it" or stop to playing the victim/bitter. But they are the victim, are they not? How can a woman not be bitter after the love of their life has left them to be with another woman? Why does it seem that some people enjoy rubbing the fact in BXWs faces? Some XWS & OW seem to feel astonished if the XBW isn't congratulating them on their happiness.

 

When someone you love decides they no longer feel the same, it causes unbearable pain. If they leave you because they love someone else more than you well... It damages your self esteem horribly. It also causes you to lose faith in any future man. Because if the last one did it, who is to say the next one won't? It's not like you can look in to the future to see if a prospective partner will cheat or not. This can make someone jaded.

 

Even if she does manage to learn to trust again, if she has children, it's not likely she will be able to find love again. As someone else pointed out in another thread, few ''good" men are willing to date someone with kids. And we see it all the time. Single/divorced moms never finding real love again and growing old alone. nOt to mention, she might have kids that have would have trouble accepting another man in their life.

 

So not does she only have to deal with someone she loves being happy with someone else ( and often times also dealing with the fact that person and their new love don't really Care about their pain ), they also have to deal with the fact they might end up alone for the rest of their life. This is especially true if they are older.

 

It just seems to me that people expect the most out of the BS in many situations.

 

SoAlone88,

 

I've been there and done that. My first M ended in D and I had a 1 year old son and was pregnant with our daughter. My biggest mistake then was to tell my family, friends and think that I would have their full support. I didn't. My self esteem and ego was bruised. But I went to IC for a few years and it helped greatly. I too at first gaged all men according to my xH. Then I learned to let go of that and trust again.

 

Not all men you meet understand single parenting, but there are men out there who may have kids of their own who understand that its the whole package they need to fall in love with. I did find new love 6 years after my D. I married him and he has helped me raise my kids. He by no means is perfect as he too hurt me and cheated just last year after 10 years of being together.

 

The difference this time around was that it was now my business and I didn't share it with anyone. I now had the tools to handle it and the support from people here at LS when I needed to talk.

 

My H was remorseful, wanted to work on us. So I decided to give it a chance. We are R and it has been over a year and things are better than ever.

 

No one has a right to tell you when or how you should get over it. In truth, you never do. Those choices will affect your life always as it did mine. My kids didn't grow up with their dad. They now know him for the lying cheat he is as he has done it many times to the women he was with after me. He re-married and D because of his serial cheating. They have never seen a loving relationship between us. There are deeper issues than outside the surface that some people don't get. Which is why if you don't have a true support system then don't share it all. Get counseling, build up your self esteem and realize that you are not alone, but with yourself. And you should be the one you love most!

  • Like 5
  • 3 weeks later...
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SoAlone88 Member

SoAlone88

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I know. I am just tired of people telling me and other BS that the way we feel is wrong. Yes I am bitter and lonely. I think most people who have been left for OW/OM feel that way and I think its our right.

 

So many people feel that someone who has been burned to immediately move on and get over the negative feeling left over. One person even told me I am sad about my ex leaving me because I have no self esteem. My self esteem is extremely damaged yes, but I am sad because I love him. You just don't get rid of that overnight.

 

It will take me years to recover, If I ever do.

  • Like 1
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
I know. I am just tired of people telling me and other BS that the way we feel is wrong. Yes I am bitter and lonely. I think most people who have been left for OW/OM feel that way and I think its our right.

 

So many people feel that someone who has been burned to immediately move on and get over the negative feeling left over. One person even told me I am sad about my ex leaving me because I have no self esteem. My self esteem is extremely damaged yes, but I am sad because I love him. You just don't get rid of that overnight.

 

It will take me years to recover, If I ever do.

 

oh just tell that person to just bugger off.....

 

if you haven't walked a mile in my shoes....just shut up.

 

You can tell me you would NEVER stay after an affair ( although 95% do), tell me it would be over for you....and I will smile, knowing what I know, and nod my head and seek honest advice elsewhere....

  • Like 5
crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

Well OP, as far as this board goes, I find it to generally be very sympathetic toward BS's. The only people that seem to have the attitude you describe are known WS's.

 

People that have never been cheated on will never know the kind of mental and emotional anguish it can cause a person. Anyone that ever tells a BS to "get over it" either never experienced it or are emotionally stone cold.

  • Like 5
peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

Posted
Posted
I know. I am just tired of people telling me and other BS that the way we feel is wrong. Yes I am bitter and lonely. I think most people who have been left for OW/OM feel that way and I think its our right.

 

So many people feel that someone who has been burned to immediately move on and get over the negative feeling left over. One person even told me I am sad about my ex leaving me because I have no self esteem. My self esteem is extremely damaged yes, but I am sad because I love him. You just don't get rid of that overnight.

 

It will take me years to recover, If I ever do.

 

 

It is clear that you do love him. No you do not get rid of that overnight. You SHOULD feel anything that you need to feel for as long as you need to feel it.

  • Like 2
Raena Established Member

Raena

Posted
Posted
William the Moderator, I hope your comment wasn't to me?? If so please pm me & let me know how cause I don't want to do it again*

 

I hope it wasn't directed at you either... I get what you meant when you commented on what I wrote. I didn't take it as a diss.

  • 4 weeks later...
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

The worst thing for me was the sense of abandonment I felt.

 

My BS's work colleagues took his side (they had been covering up and enabling his A anyway, so that was no surprise).

 

But some of my married work colleagues also started to distance themselves from me. It seems that some married women think that just because someone has "stolen"* your husband that the first thing you want to do is go out and "steal" someone else's.

 

You certainly find out who your real friends are at a time like this.

 

* I used the words "steal" & "stolen" in a tongue-in-cheek way. I know that no-one can be "stolen" that doesn't want to be taken.

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Tt seems that some married women think that just because someone has "stolen"* your husband that the first thing you want to do is go out and "steal" someone else's.

 

 

That's pretty insecure on their part!

 

One thing I have noticed is that "happy" couples don't like to be reminded - through someone else's brush with infidelity - that their M may be similarly vulnerable. Especially if the couple affected by infidelity had previously seemed "happy" to them. Perhaps they think it may be "contagious" in some way.

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