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Confusion of feelings with ex and someone I met while we were apart. ?!

DayAfterDay

By DayAfterDay
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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Hi Everyone!

 

Thanks for listening to my story. Any advice would be greatly appriciated!

 

My dilemma:

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years, we have lived together since May of this year, so only about 6 months or so….

 

First off, i want to say that there is a lot of good in our relationship. I can honestly say there were times in our relationship that we were both really happy. However, our relationships had a fair amount of conflict pretty early on and it was fairly consistent (though not all the time) but it was always resolved eventually. It felt as if there was a fundamental mismatch in communication when we were arguing, but that could be an entire thread it itself. There were some other issues with her family dynamics and her overbearing mother that really bothered me to and we fought plenty about but that isn’t really the issue at hand….

 

We broke up in the middle of October. It was my decision.

 

In summary, I hit rock bottom with everything, the fighting was getting SO BAD. It was becoming destructive because of the frequency of the occurrences as well as the yelling and such. I also was unsure that I wanted her mother as my mother-in-law because of their relationship and how it affected us/me. I had to give her an ultimatum for some behavioral changes with her mother and that was when the **** hit the fan with us i think because I felt as if I had already checked out of the relationship and was done. And I think she saw that too and became super emotional all the time. But after a few meltdowns in our apartment, I finally made the decision. She said that we never really tried and exhausted all of our resources to make the relationship better and that we both got lazy (which is probably partially true) and we need to give it one last chance and put forth an HONEST effort to make it the best we can and be happy again and if it doesn’t work than we’ll know. I said that I needed time.

 

She packed a bag and moved to her parents temporarily until we were going to discuss either moving out or staying together. We met two weeks later, I said I wanted to end it. She got upset but understood.

 

Another week went by….

 

We were meeting to discuss when she was to move her stuff out and long story short we started kissing again and I said that I want to work it out and take things VERY SLOW and talk through everything with her to give it one last chance. And I was honest about this. I missed her.

 

Things have been very great with us so far. Minimal disagreements, make up sex, we’ve had lots of fun together.

 

BUT HERE IS THE COMPLICATED PART

 

Are you ready?!

 

In the time that we were apart I met an extremely attractive, very interesting girl at work. I could tell that when we met she was attracted to me because I would catch her looking at me a lot and she would get really shy and awkward around me. I couldn’t get this girl out of my mind. I still can’t. HOWEVER, I did find out that she is “seeing” another guy who works with us who, to be frank, seems like kind of a d-bag. It doesn’t seem very serious, but they do talk a fair amount at work and she still seems to check me out from time to time. This girl kind of intimidates me a little bit because she is SO interesting and very good looking.

 

I have no idea what to do. I can’t pursue her because a) she (maybe?) is dating this one guy we work with and b) because I’m unofficially back with my ex and she is being SO AMAZING TO ME lately. I’m trying a lot in the relationship too, but I can tell that she really wants this and is making an honest to God effort to keep this going and wants to be with me. Which makes me feel more guilty for having these feelings. On paper it should be working perfectly and she's doing everything right, but I’m still not 100% there and this other girl is absolutely raping my mind every minute.

 

I think she (my ex) is a really great, good hearted person. She’s been very sweet to me, though we’ve had our troubles. But either I can’t completely get the spark that I once had for her back, or it just hasn’t arrived yet….or maybe because I’m already interested in someone else? But she has a boyfriend? But she maybe likes me? Maybe not. This really sucks.

 

Help? Lemme know what you guys think….Thanks!

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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It seems silly to throw away the potential of a good relationship that I have for the potential of a possible relationship that I don't.

 

I'm just so confused. I really like this other girl, but my ex is a good person who I share a lot of history (good and bad) with. But I did break up with her because I wasn't feeling it anymore due to all of our issues and compatibility and fighting. But we're trying and it's going great so far.....

 

I feel like I know what everyone is going to say. You all are about to tell me every which way that I need to figure out what I want and make a decision.

 

Venting helps though, I suppose.

gmsunshine New Member

gmsunshine

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Couple of things. First you keep calling your current gf your ex, is she or she isn't she. You need to make up your mind. Second, you say you really like this other girl. Well, I think you like the IDEA of this other girl, I don't even think you really know her to be able to say you like her. She is a fantasy, and it is nice to be liked. Relationships are work. They don't come easy. Yours seems to be worth the fight. Stop wasting energy on a could be and focus on what is real, a woman who loves you.

  • Like 1
Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

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You sound a little bit like my ex and the relationship we had, some things are similar.

 

I will tell you what happened to my ex. He decided to pursue the other girl. They hung out, got to know each other, kissed had sex, etc. You could say they dated. He said it was not serious but for me it was. Anyway, this is what he said after he got to experience this "it was/is not the same, when I hang out with her, it's not the same like when I hang out with you, I've missed you, I love you. You're the one I want to wake up next to for the rest of my life, blah blah." However, as soon as I found out they had had sex, I asked him to please leave me alone. I knew I wasn't gonna even be able to hold his hand anymore. I felt like throwing up just by thinking about it. I know, I know, he was single, and he was free to do whatever he wanted. He was always very honest, and I will always be grateful for his honesty, but still I couldn't even imagine hanging out as friends.

 

So now the thing with the other girl? Turns out it wasn't what he expected. So he lost me and the other girl.

 

I'm not mad at him anymore. Maybe in a couple of years if our paths cross again and we're both single, maybe in the future it'll work out. But right now, I still can't even stand the thought of being near him.

 

Now, my question for you is this. Were you already attracted to this girl when you decided to get back with your girlfriend?

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

Posted
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Couple of things. First you keep calling your current gf your ex, is she or she isn't she. You need to make up your mind. Second, you say you really like this other girl. Well, I think you like the IDEA of this other girl, I don't even think you really know her to be able to say you like her. She is a fantasy, and it is nice to be liked. Relationships are work. They don't come easy. Yours seems to be worth the fight. Stop wasting energy on a could be and focus on what is real, a woman who loves you.

 

She is NOT my ex, currently. Thank you for calling me out on that.

 

I know I need to make up my mind.

 

Really, the only reason I am questioning this is because there are (at least in my opinion) some compatibility issues that have manifested themselves throughout the relationship that make me question if our compatibility is strong enough to sustain an entire life together. I know every relationship has issues, but these are not small issues...this isn't leaving the cap off the toothpaste or leaving the toilet seat up or not doing the dishes....this is conflict resolution, coexistence of family and perspective of family involvement, as well as other issues. The fact that it has been great for the two weeks we have been back together can say a lot about our efforts and possible renewed appreciation for each other, but I can't help but remember that I was at rock bottom with her a month ago and wanting to break up.

 

This new girl is a nice idea, yes. I will admit that. She's very pretty and very interesting and appears to take a liking to me. But has just been a slew of emotions for me because of my history with my CURRENT girlfriend (there, I said it) and I. But not all of it was good. But that goes with any relationship, right? Or does it? Is this just a period of us being on our "best behavior" before it starts to get bad again and then I wish I had pursued someone else?

 

I know she loves me and I do love her, but this situation just really sucks.

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

Posted
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Now, my question for you is this. Were you already attracted to this girl when you decided to get back with your girlfriend?

 

I can honestly say that this girl did not IN ANY WAY contribute to our breakup, but yes, I had interacted with her, thought she was attractive, and found out that she was seeing someone that works with us as well.

 

It was when I found out that she was seeing someone else that I "backed off" a little and that's when I met my ex again and we decided that we would give it another shot. If she was single at that time I probably would have pursued asking her out but I think she may be seeing this other dude. But I don't know.

 

It has been SINCE THEN that she has still been looking at me at work and I have sensed that her relationship with her and this guy is not that serious. I don't even work with her that often, but when I do. It's nice and we talk for a while.

Edited by DayAfterDay
Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

Posted
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I can honestly say that this girl did not IN ANY WAY contribute to our breakup, but yes, I had interacted with her, thought she was attractive, and found out that she was seeing someone that works with us as well.

 

It was when I found out that she was seeing someone else that I "backed off" a little and that's when I met my ex again and we decided that we would give it another shot. If she was single at that time I probably would have pursued asking her out but I think she may be seeing this other dude. But I don't know.

 

It has been SINCE THEN that she has still been looking at me at work and I have sensed that her relationship with her and this guy is not that serious. I don't even work with her that often, but when I do. It's nice and we talk for a while.

 

 

So what I'm reading here is that you're pretty much waiting to find out whether this girl is serious about this guy or not, which I think it's unfair to your girlfriend. It was a really really bad idea to get back with your girlfriend so soon since it's obvious you had already check out of the relationship awhile ago...

 

Good luck, I hope you get more feedback.

  • Like 1
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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Hmmm im going to get blasted probably. But id probably dump current gf and try with new one. If that doensnt work out then you can date whoever you want.

 

Is it just the new girl your interested in? Or do you sorta like the idea of being back out there and dating? I sorta sense that this might be the case and the your current relationship is just something to keep you occupied for the moment. Im not saying that you dont have feelings for your current gf or that you dont care. Just seems like youve checked out and might not be willing to put in the effort to get that back.

 

No judgement coming from me at all. You need to do whats best for you.

 

Are you afraid to be single if you dump current gf and it doesnt work out with new girl? if the answer is no id go for it especially if you cant see a long term furture with current girl. You only live once bro. Cav

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
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Don't go back with the old GF - she wasn't right then - she won't be right now.

 

If the new gal has a BF don't mess that up.

 

Be on your own and be happy without any gal for a long while.

 

It's not good to date someone at work anyway - if it ends badly - the workplace is tainted.

  • Like 3
cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

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Posted
Don't go back with the old GF - she wasn't right then - she won't be right now.

 

If the new gal has a BF don't mess that up.

 

Be on your own and be happy without any gal for a long while.

 

It's not good to date someone at work anyway - if it ends badly - the workplace is tainted.

 

Good point about the work thing. I personally tend to go for it anyway but it can get messed up! lol

  • Like 1
Mariposa10 Established Member

Mariposa10

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I agree with someone who posted that maybe you should be single. Obviously you're not really to be with your girlfriend yet. And so, let's say that the other girl is single, shouldn't you be over your girlfriend to start dating?

aybc123 Established Member

aybc123

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Dont break up a relationship for what is essentially a workplace crush, especially if the crush is seeing someone else, it's just going to blow up in your face and you'll end up losing both girls and having to change jobs or something stupid, trust me.

 

Give your relationship a shot, and that means actually mentally being in it, you'd be surprised how quickly youll move on from the girl at work once you register it as a non-option and also how quickly it's possible to rekindle a failing relationship (providing you both know what is wrong).

  • Like 2
organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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Work on reconciling. You really don't know if the new girl really wants to date you. You don't know what it'll be like to actually date her. Maybe there won't be a connection. And then yes, bad idea to date a coworker, esp when there's another coworker already in the picture! Talk about a recipient for disaster. Are you prepared to possibly losing your job over her?

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Ansem Member

Ansem

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Dump your current girlfriend, who is obviously making an effort to be with you, and go for the girl that already has a boyfriend. Is that what you want to hear?

  • Like 1
Axee Established Member

Axee

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If your current gf gets to hear this, she wil be crushed and hurt no end,

 

why sail in two boats?

 

You want to date this coworker, go date her but you cant have your cake and eat it too.. Break up with your ex respectfully saying you need to figure out things..

 

You are not doing the right thing right now, trust me on that..

j.gman Member

j.gman

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A wise man once said:

One bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

 

You should stop contacting the attractive, interesting girl at work and work on the relationship with your current gf. There is too much uncertainty and if your gf find out you're through.

 

If you're tactful, you can probably juggle two relationship at once. However, as you can barely keep one girl, I think you should stick to the first plan.

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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If anyone is still interested in my response, I have decided to stick with the current girlfriend and power through it. We're probably going to go to counseling and give it an honest effort.

 

The pros outweigh the cons when all is said and done. Yes, this girl is really attractive and seems interesting but I don't really know her that well and she works with me and she may be seeing someone else. And as someone else stated, I don't know what it would be like to date her, it's possible that we have no connection at all. Or what if she ends up being a huge bitch or something? I think I realized that what I would be losing if that were the case would not be worth the risk.

 

I'd rather work on something I have with someone who loves me than take a complete shot in the dark with someone else that I don't have who could or could not turn out to be someone that I don't connect with.

Edited by DayAfterDay
  • Like 1
aybc123 Established Member

aybc123

Posted
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This is a very wise decision. I wish i'd made the same choice before i had to learn my lesson the hard way.

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