sad_bubble Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I broke up with my ex over a month ago. The relationship has been quite hard, or even "toxic": We've been 18 months together. In order to live together with me he bought a car and was commuting several hours to a different town each day from our house. I am very thankful for his efforts. but he nagged me all the time.. on anything, e.g. "he doesn't like my genuine smile.", "he thinks I am not interesting..", when I asked him "am I beautiful - he said "Accept it, my friend is beautiful to me." so he came back once after holidays, and said "I want to burn this hourse and kill your pets". This broke my heart. I asked him to leave. It was tough. First few weeks especially. Now I would say on most of the time I feel happy. But then he contacts me.. saying that "he hopes we could be one day together", "he needs time to sort out issues and then we will see..", but if I respond anything - he often becomes very angry at me, responds calling me names and etc. So I said to him yesterday - Can you act nice to me? Yes or No. If Yes then we will see if we can make it work, if No I have to leave for good. He said "NO. Go." and then in few hours bombarded me with emails, txts and calls. Once I picked up the call (after several missed calls), he was very sweet to me, and we talked in a friendly way about what we are up to, some issues we had, but suddenly he called me "psychologically ill". Well this one came out of nowhere. Why he has these bursts? Does he want to make me sad? I hang up, and then responded to few txts that "it is all over as I cannot stand the way he treats me." still I am confused. He was precious to me, and I have only good feelings towards him. I do not feel anger or so and no longer think about any future with him. But the thing what still bothers me - why he was wanting to say such words that definitelly would hurt me? I mean, if he feels that in the future we can be together (p.s.this is not what I feel, especially because of his behaviour), why he wants to hurt me? As if I never knew this person.
headinthecloud Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. His actioins and words of anger were inappropriate. It sounds like he was trying to control you. Someone who truly loves you doesn't say those things. I hope you can move on, you deserve better.
Author sad_bubble Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 This is exactly how I felt for quite a long time. not loved. I wonder why he always wanted to create such feeling but still wants to be with me. As if it was or is a game, which cause decent amount of sadness. He asked for being alone. and this is exactly what I give to him and move on. But then he gets in contact and says that he sees me as his future wife. I do not reply or reply saying that "this is how he feels at this moment and in the next hour he may change his thoughts." and this is exactly what happens. and then he calls me all the nasty words :/ ou dear.. how did I end up in this.
ponchsox Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Why are you answering his calls? His emotional issues are not your problem. Do yourself a favor and block his number from texts and calls.
headinthecloud Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 This is exactly how I felt for quite a long time. not loved. I wonder why he always wanted to create such feeling but still wants to be with me. As if it was or is a game, which cause decent amount of sadness. He asked for being alone. and this is exactly what I give to him and move on. But then he gets in contact and says that he sees me as his future wife. I do not reply or reply saying that "this is how he feels at this moment and in the next hour he may change his thoughts." and this is exactly what happens. and then he calls me all the nasty words :/ ou dear.. how did I end up in this. The only thing you can control are your actions and I would suggest going full NC (no contact). Block him out of your life. It's also going to allow him to heal from the BU. It's hard but you'll be happier in the long run.
ponchsox Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 The only thing you can control are your actions and I would suggest going full NC (no contact). Block him out of your life. It's also going to allow him to heal from the BU. It's hard but you'll be happier in the long run. His acting wishy-washy means he is hurt from the breakup and while he wanted to be with you, his anger is a defense mechanism to make him feel better about himself. It's like putting aspercreme on a pulled muscle to mask the pain, not take it away. Dumpers who cared about their ex will often reach out to the dumpee to see how they are coping but it only ends up hurting them more when you don't tell them what they want to hear.
Author sad_bubble Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) I loved him and I do believe that somewhere deep in m heart the feeling exists. But I need to lock it until I find a way to let it go completely. To leave him, was never my wish. But it seems that with his behaviour, he didn't leave me with any other option. And thanks for opening my mind, I think he used anger to control me or feel better about himself during the relationship and now this might be even stronger as he is hurt. Should I say sth to him? e.g. apologise, state that I understand that it hurts and if not his behaviour, I would never have left him. and I hope everything will be fine with him.. or should I just leave it, as it is? I don't like hurtful/nasty break ups. Edited November 8, 2013 by sad_bubble
JDPT Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 You indulge mistreatment. Apparently he has overstepped his boundaries and isn't willing to respect you which is something so fundamental and perhaps common sense. And you on the other hand are committing to perpetuate your agony. Take charge of your life.
purplesoccer34 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 First of all, good for you for breaking up with him. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve way better. If I were you, I would cut off contact with him completely. If you keep returning his calls, this may just become a never-ending cycle. It sounds like he's controlling and abusive, and you don't need a guy like that in your life.
Author sad_bubble Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 yes.. it is sad/dissapointing that this relationship moved downwards with such a steep curve and the feelings you treasured have to be let go. Never thought that a person can change this much, or allow his behaviour to grow into such nasty way of dealing with the one who loved/treasured him a lot.
toolforgrowth Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 His acting wishy-washy means he is hurt from the breakup and while he wanted to be with you, his anger is a defense mechanism to make him feel better about himself. It's like putting aspercreme on a pulled muscle to mask the pain, not take it away. Dumpers who cared about their ex will often reach out to the dumpee to see how they are coping but it only ends up hurting them more when you don't tell them what they want to hear. Or when you tell them what they DO want to hear. Or at least, what they think they want to hear. My ex wife was the one who initiated separation so she could have an affair. I resisted it and fought it tooth and nail, which only drove her away further. Once I was on board with it and started living my life for me without caring what she did, she did a complete 180 and all of a sudden started caring about me again. Or at least started caring about what I was doing and wanting to keep me on a string. I let her go because that's what she wanted. Turns out that's not what she wanted after all. She got it anyway. Don't you see? You're not supposed to AGREE with them when they leave you. You're supposed to pine over them, fall apart over them, and absolutely die over them. Didn't you get the standard dumper's memo?
Author sad_bubble Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Or when you tell them what they DO want to hear. Or at least, what they think they want to hear. My ex wife was the one who initiated separation so she could have an affair. I resisted it and fought it tooth and nail, which only drove her away further. Once I was on board with it and started living my life for me without caring what she did, she did a complete 180 and all of a sudden started caring about me again. Or at least started caring about what I was doing and wanting to keep me on a string. I let her go because that's what she wanted. Turns out that's not what she wanted after all. She got it anyway. Don't you see? You're not supposed to AGREE with them when they leave you. You're supposed to pine over them, fall apart over them, and absolutely die over them. Didn't you get the standard dumper's memo? Although I am the dumper, I do not think that I should fall apart over him. Why? In my situation, he was on continuous basis stating that he wants to be alone or to break up, while we were in a relationship. He made me feel that I may lose him any time. Despite the fact that I initiated the actual final break up (see, i didn't have any option, tried talking about his behaviour, but he was still continuing acting nasty to me), I think pining over him would be a terrible option. He has to understand that his nasty behaviour resulted in the end of this relationship
Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 but he nagged me all the time.. on anything, e.g. "he doesn't like my genuine smile.", "he thinks I am not interesting..", when I asked him "am I beautiful - he said "Accept it, my friend is beautiful to me." so he came back once after holidays, and said "I want to burn this hourse and kill your pets". This broke my heart. I asked him to leave. My RS was toxic to but it wasn't until i was out of it for over a month before I realized how much. I mean i knew he was critical of me but didn't realize how much. Nothing i ever did was good enough for him. Seems like it was so much work for me now. He was constantly make little comments, put downs, everything from how i dressed to my personality traits. And he would then complain to anyone who would listen about me - but i only found that out later. I think they do this so you start to feel so bad and insecure about yourself you hang around to put up with their ****. I for one will never let anyone do this to me again - you either think i am awesome and how lucky you are to have me or you can take a hike. Sounds corny i know but we are all special and unique in our own ways and we should have someone who appreciates that.
Waz Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 OP don't even worry. It isn't worth the time. He is narcissistic and (tries at least to be) manipulative. A totally selfish person. I feel that he takes you for granted and takes advantage of your love and kindness you show to him. Don't be his doormat. If you continue he will cheat on you, but all these are just my gut feeling. If i were you, i would run without looking back. I'm sure he will reach out a thousand of times until you get back together but nothing will change. Don't fall, you should have self-respect, especially if there's nothing wrong from your part. Use it and think of it just like an ego-boost for you when you'll be cold enough. Run run run, you are wasting your precious time here.
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