Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 You're making the right choices but there's still some wayward thinking that's concerning. The most notable are your reasons for staying. You listed finances and kids. How about your wife? She is being remarkably understanding and remarkably tolerant. She must love you immensely (even after being betrayed). Do you really need more than that? She also sounds like she's a fairly wise woman. If she's not going to be #1 in your life, she'd rather let you go (for the sake of both of you). If you can't get into this marriage with both feet, she may make the choice for you. She's a wise woman... I guess when one has one set of qualities in someone and are missing others, you tend to think of what you want, and what is immediately apparent. She's been a good person to me. But I guess I've not rated as highly as I should have, considering that I took her 'letting go' as meaning she didn't care much for the marriage. I've been clobbered on here - and I voluntarily painted as accurate a picture as what I'm living - for not cutting her enough slack. I know I'll have to be a lot more supportive. And I'll do it. I remember what it used to be, and if we could get that back, it would be good for all of us. I now need to muster the courage to let my friend know... It should be easy, but I admit it's not. But I'll do it...
Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Oh brother. You know how many men would kill for a good faithful woman and mother to their children? Just ask a few of the betrayed men on this board what those traits would mean to them. I understand that, and I appreciate it. Thanks for reminding me... I know this - but when you have to carry someone emotionally (or so it seemed for me), a lot of what is good in a person starts getting lost on you... But thanks for reminding me... Oh brother. Oh, and by the way. LOTS of men love extra cushion for the pushin'. If you don't like it honey someone will. That's a fact. On this one, I can't explain it, that's not what we had in the beginning. Or in the middle. So is there no room on here for saying that I too have expectations? That something was not working for me? I know I can't justify my action... I know...
Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 You can't honestly work on your marriage unless you eliminate the OW completely. Have you ended all contact with her yet? I now need to muster the courage to let my friend know... It should be easy, but I admit it's not. But I'll do it this week...
Journee Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I understand that, and I appreciate it. Thanks for reminding me... I know this - but when you have to carry someone emotionally (or so it seemed for me), a lot of what is good in a person starts getting lost on you... But thanks for reminding me... On this one, I can't explain it, that's not what we had in the beginning. Or in the middle. So is there no room on here for saying that I too have expectations? That something was not working for me? I know I can't justify my action... I know... I understand where you are coming from I guess it just comes off like you are excusing your betrayal because of her weight. It can be lost. I understand that certain things can affect your attraction for someone. I really cannot speak on that asI have not been through that with a partner. I guess I see things kind of big picture sometimes. I'm sure there it's much more to your dynamic with your wife but the things you presented can made better I feel. Just jumping ship for what seems better in the moment just sounds cruel but so does your wife being made to feel not good enough for you. It's a tough situation and I do not envy your position. I was a bit blunt in my response to you but I think people take for granted their spouse's so often. Like children wanting more of their meal before they have even finished the first helping.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 how much weight did she put on? Before you married did she know how much attractiveness, goals and drive meant and what you wanted for your future? I'll be blunt. Obviously you are fairly successful (as you've stated you could support two houses). Was this important to her when you married? If you were successful and had a career arch and then crashed and now were earning minimum wage and struggling with supporting the family, all the while she knows you could achieve so much more (or at least approach where you were prior), would she not have every right to look elsewhere or prepare an exit strategy? Comparing this to your comments about her disinterest in losing weight..... It's like men (and I'll use them for now) who want a sexual marriage and then they go sexless..... There's a breaking point. Yes sex will wane and there may be ebbs and flows, but using my example (and comparing it to weight) if you go from 4-6X/wk to 1-2X/wk after kids, I'd say suck it up and quit complaining (and I'll equate that to a 20% increase in weight). Now if you go sexless (or the spouse puts on 80+ lbs), I'd say there's an issue.....
Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 ... but using my example (and comparing it to weight) if you go from 4-6X/wk to 1-2X/wk after kids, I'd say suck it up and quit complaining (and I'll equate that to a 20% increase in weight). Now if you go sexless (or the spouse puts on 80+ lbs), I'd say there's an issue..... Well, I've been clobbered for giving her weight gain too much weight, but its currently at 230 lbs from somewhere in the 150s before... It has affected intimacy in a lot of ways... And I don't understand your comment about going sexless, but it has impacted my desire quite a bit...
Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 I've been reading a number of stories on the forum and one thing that seems to be consistent (and yes, I'm learning, and its different hearing from people who've been on a certain path and know what they're talking about than reading books or 'just knowing') is that there needs to be a clear break for a while (time), between one relationship and another. I've already committed to start working on my marriage - and have told my wife. Like I said, my conversation this morning was quite humbling to hear all that she knew (which as I said, I admitted to having an A - was always told to deny it, but I never felt that I was wasting my friend's time or that I was being duplicitous with her - I always said I'd own up when found out, and I did that today). And the next tough thing is to tell my friend... I may be over-thinking it, but I hope it will go well... I can't get out scott-free, never intended to, so I'll take whatever I get, because on my part, she is someone I truly imagined I could move forward with, else I'd not have come on here asking for help from you all... But what I'm learning is that even if I was choosing not to work on my marriage, I'd still have to tell my friend, in order to situate myself. I had said earlier that my brother had told me that, but it's been reinforced on here and I'm glad to have read that recurring theme. My wife went to the gym today to sign up and get a personal trainer. And she's working on getting herself back on her feet career-wise. I have my own work cut out for me - and I first of all hope and will work hard to follow-through with my decision today to give it a chance, and I hope to work on my own attitude and expectations...
Author Wak80 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 It's a tough situation and I do not envy your position. Thank you... It's a situation I've been in for a long time and used work and other exits to divert attention from. We've been to counselling and sought help a number of times, but this is the first time we've gone this far - and even I knew I had gone far... I hope my decision is the right one - to work on the marriage and give it another chance. At this point, especially have confessed about it fully when confronted, I have every reason to not be here or have the luxury of making that decision. But given the effort my W is willing to make, I believe I owe her and my family a chance...
jnj express Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Just a couple of things ---if in the future, you start thinking about straying again---or you may decide you wanna go back to your present friend (lover)---go and get a D, before you start to cheat You need to MAKE your wife follow thru on her weight reduction---she is just gonna mess herself up physically for her future, if she doesn't get the weight off----her spinal chord, and back, are not meant to carry that kind of weight on the frame she was given One last thing--if you ever get into this kind of situation again---do not ever move out or leave the home---in a D action, you will be nailed for AMANDONMENT
Spark1111 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Thank you... It's a situation I've been in for a long time and used work and other exits to divert attention from. We've been to counselling and sought help a number of times, but this is the first time we've gone this far - and even I knew I had gone far... I hope my decision is the right one - to work on the marriage and give it another chance. At this point, especially have confessed about it fully when confronted, I have every reason to not be here or have the luxury of making that decision. But given the effort my W is willing to make, I believe I owe her and my family a chance... I'm trying to figure out what you bring to the table. How specifically do you intend to support her and rebuild the relationship? let me get this straight....you travel all the time for work, seem to be very self-focused on externals, yet had your third child less than 3 years ago? So your wife wasn't too fat to be intmate with then? yet you belabored her weight, her appearance, her lack of career, and EXACTLY encouraged her how???? You gave her more of your time, attention, appreciation and helped with the housework and children more often? You bumped into your D OW, developed a friendship which turned into an affair. she thinks your wonderful and doesn't place too many demands on you. Do YOU think she'd give you 5 minutes of her time and attention if you were dead azz broke? raise your children? keep your home? Maybe your wife is depressed because, no offense, you sound like a typically successful, emotionally absent critical, non-supportive husband who is easily flattered by a pretty, driven, equally ambitious OW....and I AM NOT talking about her career. 2
Spark1111 Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 PS: You are too good to even tell your counselor you are having an affair! Do you go and whine about your BS every week? You sir can NEVER be perceived as the bad guy or someone in the wrong. Everything you write sounds poor me, I've tried so hard, blah, blah, blah...but even your therapist has not been told the truth. YOU have a LONG way to go to be a man capable of true intimacy in any relationship, whether with your BS OR your OW. 1
ZombieEye Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 As a betrayed spouse, coming up on a year that I found out about his betrayal, I am just not seeing the kind of commitment in you to your wife that is needed to reconcile. You ready for a really rough time ahead as the numbness and shock wears off and the reality of it sets in? You can handle tears, anger, rage, depths of despair as she fully understands that problems in the marriage and weight gain not withstanding, the one person in the world who took vows to be only with her had thrown all that away? It's going to be tougher than you think. Right now it's early days, and it looks maybe doable. It's going to get worse before it gets better. How's your lukewarm commitment going to be then when she will need more of you than you have EVER given her? Sorry to be so harsh, but you're going to need more compassion for her and lose all of that poor me attitude. 1
Renewed308 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 This is my first post, but I feel compelled to respond. You seem way more worried and concerned for the OW's reaction to being told it's over than you have feelings/concerns about your wife. You have totally beaten down (not physically) your wife and, yet, you're more concerned about the OW's feelings? Absolutely unreal. You married your wife FOR BETTER OR WORSE. You have children with this woman. You are supposed to love and protect her NO MATTER WHAT. You have seriously betrayed her beyond comprehension and she still wants to stay in your marriage. You do not deserve her. If she were smart, she would kick your unfaithful butt to the curb and be done with you. It is so cowardly for a person -- man or woman -- to try to justify their infidelity by finding fault in their spouse. If you were that seriously unhappy, then ask for a divorce before making your spouse look like a fool while you go get your jollies somewhere else. You checked out of your marriage and want others to help you feel justified in your infidelity? Now you say you're going to work on your marriage because of financial reasons and for your kids? No mention of your wife -- other than the fact that you are no longer in love with her. Do your WIFE a favor. Let her go. Be a man and just let her go. Then she will be able to love herself without you trying to be "encouraging." What a joke you've made of your marriage. What a joke you are.
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