I'm married but have been in a relationship with a lady that got divorced

[Wak80]

Thanks all for all the responses on here. I came on here wanting to create a new post, but after reading Sofie's story, I've learned a lot already..

 

I'm married but have been in a relationship with a lady that got divorced. I fell for her and though we tried to keep to ourselves, we eventually started a relationship. My wife recently found out through my phone records. And it's been devastating for her.

 

My wife and I have been growing apart for many years. I take responsibility for my part of the breakdown in that she says I was not supportive enough over the years, emotionally. On my part, and before I get totally hammered, it became a case of I love her, but I was falling out of love with her. And again, very respectfully and honestly, my wife let herself go physically and seemed to lose the spark for life. She was a great mom, but I felt like I'd lost a partner. I grew resentful, angry and cheated of a good life. We would avoid going out together because she'd come up with excuses (and she recently admitted to deliberately not wanting to go out because I was resentful and she didn't want to be with me in that state). On my part, I should have been more supportive, and I thought I was by buying all kinds of equipment, encouraging her to measure and set goals so she knows she's getting somewhere. Two years ago, she told me she was done trying to please anyone else with procedures or things that might jeopardize her health... And just to add, my wife has wanted to be intimate recently and in general, but for a long time, it's been difficult and gotten more difficult for me to overcome myself and enjoy physical intimacy with her. I respect my wife a lot but I'll simply say that I've been turned off by weight gain in particular parts of the body that have truly affected intimacy.

 

Apart from intimacy, my wife has not seemed to want to become all she can be. She has let opportunities to further herself as a professional slip by. Though she's been at home and has been a wonderful mom to our kids, her attitude towards life has been a killer for me. It has brought contempt and really caused me to wonder why what it is that she does or does not want to do. Recently because of our issues, she has hit the books again to get certified and has been going to the gym regularly.

 

I can't justify what I did. I can't. I admit it was wrong. And I don't think I fully looked into the mirror to understand the magnitude of what I was/am doing. I'm getting it now, with the prospect of divorce, which is something I wanted for a long time. But now, I'm wondering that the alternative might be better, considering all the concessions my wife is trying to make - and how she's taking this. I know I'm wrong. She wanted to move out with the kids. I proposed I move out instead, because I didn't want to overly and unnecessarily stress the kids (we have 2, 11 and 9). But she's been good to me - more than I deserve I know. Because I know I wronged her. But she says she's praying about what to do... And I am too...

 

I know I should man up and just do what I need to do. But I have to admit that I'm a bit confused. I have feelings for someone else that I have seen has so many qualities that I admire. That shares a similar perspective on life as I. That has been good to me too. She has 2 kids and is a working professional.

 

I want to do the right thing. I have been selfish in some ways, but I fear about my resentment toward my wife and having to overcome myself with my feeling of attractiveness towards her. At the same time, I feel ****ty about the lady I've been seeing, because I do care about her. I've done things for her that I've not done for other women I've ever known. I'm attracted to her (obviously) and I've told her I love her - many times. I've been told not to factor her in my decision making at all - but my emotions and my dreams are dictating otherwise. I've been told this is not wise, it's is selfish because I'm not considering everyone involved (the kids). As much as I want to move forward with a divorce - I know I don't even have the luxury of making this decision because I'm the party at fault here - my wife is considering other options for us to work through. My request for time to sort myself out have been met with impatience and anger and I understand. After about a week, she told me she'd forgiven and was praying about it all. I had expected that I'd be the one to leave, however, my wife said she'd not stay in our house if things didn't go well, and she'd be moving out. She's not worked for many years, and though we can support two homes, I really don't know what's ahead for me. My brother has repeatedly said not to factor my friend into my plans - but I'm torn...

 

I should embrace a divorce since I recently started talking about it to my friend and ha been thinking about it for a while. But now I'm scared of everything... My kids - I cringe when I see them playing blissfully in their room. My friend who has been through a divorce tells me the kids will be fine - that they'll adjust... But I'm scared, and I know my hesitation to make a bold move is hurting everyone. I should just jump off the cliff here with one decision and face all the consequences... Stay with my wife and know I'll have to unconditionally accept her and work with her to get better; or leave and start a new life and live up to my desire and want to be with my friend and look forward to a new life. I have a feeling with this friend that I'll be content in a relationship, that we'll be supportive and understanding of one another - and that there'll be physical passion which has not been in mine recently... At the same time, I feel a sense of betrayal if I don't move forward with my friend... I know I need to really grow up and get a move move on - because anyone else in my position really doesn't get to chose what happens to them...

 

Walt

[BetrayedH]

I've asked the mods to start a new thread for you. You're gonna need it.

 

My short advice...fix your marriage or leave it. Frankly, you're lucky you even have a chance to fix it considering your blameshifting and cowardly fence-sitting.

 

Your bro is right. You should be deciding about your marriage without the third party involved. Amazing that you still don't get that.

[harrybrown]

The grass is not always greener.

 

Go NC and stop the affair. Do not cheat. If you can not help your wife heal from this, and be supportive, then file for divorce.

 

But do not jump from the frying pan into the fire.

 

Wake up out of the affair fog.

[Wak80]

Thank you, BetrayedH for responding. I've been reading up a bit about you, and I'm humbled...

 

Thanks for dumping that bucket of cold water on me... That's what it felt like. I needed a new perspective because I know I've been stuck.

[whatatangledweb]

It sounds like your wife is doing everything she can to fix herself. Marriage takes two to work. You can not try to fix things with your wife when you have an OW. You need to end the affair and see if you can fix things. If you can not then divorce. You can not keep two women hanging on like this, it is cruel and unfair.

 

You fall in and out of love many times in a long time marriage. Meaning you don't feel that I'm so in love feeling forever. You always love but it changes over time to a deeper love. You are comparing the love you feel for your wife with that lusty I'm so in love I can't breathe. That does not last. It either changes to a deeper love or it changes and you realize that you had lust but not love for that person.

 

Resentments can be overcome with communication and working together. Your OW should not be a part of your decision. If she were not in the picture and your wife was doing all these things...would you leave or try to work it out?

[dichotomy]

Much of your post seems like justification but others have hit you with this.

 

I might have missed this - but was your "lady" divorced from the first time you got involved - or did she get divorced after you? If she was already divorced how long.

 

The grass is not always greener. Get a divorce, you going to go marry the OW and be a stepdad? The realtionship might not seem as sweet once you try to become a second family/marriage situation. Affairs don't come with alot of hard work and compromise and unsexy things - like marriage does.

[Journee]

I think you should strongly consider divorce. You feel you deserve a more professional and attractive partner and your wife certainly deserves someone that will not be with her just to " work with her to get better". Yes, I think she deserves unconditional love especially when the only sins against you that you list are her weight gain and mothering your children instead of making the career choices you would had respected.

 

Maybe your wife's goals for herself are not what you would want but she certainly managed to do a good job with your children by your own admission. If she had been all she could be professionally it may had distracted from the things she wanted to do as a mother. Then would you be resentful for her not sacrificing a little career progression for the family?

 

I don't blame your wife for not wanting to go out with a man that looks down his nose at her. Your really feel like the victim here? You admit to being emotionally unavailable to your wife. Openly resenting her. You have betrayed her. You are the perpetrator. Weight can be lost and if your wife was content in her career it really is only your issue.

 

Divorce and you both can be free to move through life as you please. I'm sure you will both get what you deserve in time.

[Wak80]

dichotomy - My friend has been divorced for a year, and I met her after her divorce.

 

Thank you all... For your advice. My wife and I had been to counseling twice over the past 3 years, but things were not changing. I felt bad for her the second time we went because the counselor told her to change her perspective or attitude to life and try to take ownership and try to make herself a better person for herself. Obviously, I got my own homework - which was to be more supportive, which I've tried to do. Unfortunately, when I try to address particular issues, its taken as an attack on her person.

 

I recently went for counseling just by myself, but was not courageous to own up to my other relationship (been going on for 3 months). That's why I came here... I may be somewhat anonymous on here, but it stings to hear what I'm hearing, but I need it - and I thank you all. It would seem to be a no-brainer, especially considering that I'm considered the perpetrator and the bad person.

 

I'll not try to defend myself too much, but I got to a point where I thought I was carrying my wife emotionally because she seemed incapable of overcoming her own self. I suggested alternatives, but I guess I'll be told that I didn't try hard enough. In my way, I thought I was doing my best and wondering how come other women out there do it - other Moms who worked in the home did it - and looked good. I came to think my marriage was not that important to her, because I seemed to be one raising concern at various points. It seems as though if I didn't complain, then everything would be good. For quite a while, I had to give excuses for her missing company events where spouses show up. I felt like my life was being cheated of experiences that I wanted but that I didn't have control to do... This is aside the point - I know - and I recognize that I have two separate issues here... Getting clearer for me...

Edited November 8, 2013 by Wak80

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, BetrayedH for responding. I've been reading up a bit about you, and I'm humbled...

 

Thanks for dumping that bucket of cold water on me... That's what it felt like. I needed a new perspective because I know I've been stuck.

 

I really recommend you make decisions of which you can be proud. No one is saying you have to stay in a miserable marriage forever. But you have a lot of alternatives before divorce. Marriage IS tough. But it was supposed to be a lifetime commitment, not just until she got fat or something more exciting came along.

 

My POV is that your wife is making an effort (even after a betrayal) and is trying to forgive you. I would get a divorce if you had tried everything and she refused.

 

Get this other woman out of your life. Make a legit effort to save your marriage. If it fails, divorce and then date.

 

As for the OW, unless you lied about being married, she knew what she getting into dating a MM. You can let her down kindly but do it firmly and finally.

 

I'm no angel, believe me. But the right thing to do is usually pretty obvious; it's just takes courage.

[Journee]

OP there is no question in my mind that you both may have issues that need work. No one is perfect. If you are that exhausted with trying to mold your wife into being a better and different woman then let go. Your admit some of your faults in your marriage. Your wife didn't choose to be friend another man. She is doing some of the things that YOU want for her to do. You have made some poor choices also. You are not a bad guy I'm sure. You have got to see how your reasons for all of this are so flimsy.... but they are your reasons and do matter to you. That is understandable.

 

If you are going to counseling and not sharing the details of the true dynamic of your life , you are missing out. What is the point?

[Wak80]

Thank you, Journee / BetrayedH...

 

My friend knows I'm married... And there goes a lot of my guilt - which I'm sure you know a lot about - I've been reading on this forum all day. Previously, I'd written down the many reasons why staying married would be good vs not. And I admit to be totally naive to what may be ahead of me should I go down that path.

 

As much as my friend knew I am married, I have guilt for pulling from the relationship because I was expectant of a divorce in the near future. Especially with my wife wanting to work things out, I've been thinking (for many of the reasons I'd written before) that it's the right thing to do. I need to deal with my guilt of letting my friend down, because naturally, I do like her a lot.

 

As many of you on here have said - and which I know is the case - I need a reality check - and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

 

I've always known that it would boil down to my personal decision - though personal can be considered selfish since other lives are involved - but I appreciate the candid feedback I'm getting.

[BetrayedH]

You fell into a pretty ordinary trap. Tried not to nag, tried to be supportive, avoided conflict - and built up resentment over it. It happens. Unfortunately, unresolved resentment will kill a relationship. The resentment comes out eventually, and usually it comes out in a much less controlled fashion than if you'd just dealt with it directly. In your case, an affair was your coping mechanism. That's the trap of conflict avoidance.

 

But you've got a decision before you. I'm with one of the previous posters that pointed out that your wife is doing her part now. Sometimes an affair is a hell of a wake up call for both spouses. I see little justification for you to divorce. If you do, I suspect the motivation will be this other woman.

 

As for the grass being greener, it's probably sitting on a septic tank.

[Wak80]

Journee - at the time I started counseling, I went up in my history to right before the relationship with my friend. I was told by friends not to talk about the relationship there or with anyone because it would or could be used against me. But that bothered me, because it had become my reality.

 

So yes, I know that I was cheating myself of the value of the therapy sessions. In a few hours, you guys/gals on here have crystallized a number of things for me. It's different when it comes from someone who has no skin in the game - and someone who's not trying to not hurt my feelings.

 

I'm hearing all you're saying... I need to muster the courage to do what's right... My friend had actually cut off the relationship a month into, and it jarred me. And I was the one who made it possible to continue...

Edited November 8, 2013 by Wak80

[whatatangledweb]

You feel guilt if you drop her.... A relationship of three months does not compare to years with someone. When you feel like that then think about how your wife feels knowing you are cheating and that you find her unattractive . Your wife sounds to me as though she has suffered depression for years. You told her she was fat so she hid from people and wouldn't go out. I can see that she also added to the problems in the marriage, it wasn't just you.

 

We had a couple we were very close with. He was turned off by her weight and talked about it all the time. She tried different ways to lose weight but it didn't happen. She told us she liked her weight. He cheated on her off and on before we met them . She knew but overlooked it. He told us she was his best friend but he wasn't in love with her. Well he met another woman and within a few months he was flaunting her everywheres where the others had been hidden. His kids knew, friends, family..and everyone was pissed at him. He was like a kid thinking people were saying he was so lucky to be with someone slim and attractive(they weren't) . It was cruel and disrespectful. He ends up leaving for this woman. Our friends divorce after 24 years of marriage. His OW got sick of him within a year and left. My friend (the wife) is out enjoying her life with out him though she will always love him. He is alone and his children lost all respect for him. They visit him because she asks them to. He thought the grass was greener and lost a wonderful woman. He would do anything to get her back but she will not take him.

[ChooseTruth]

Whatever you do, you should know that your chances with the OW are very low. Relationships born from affairs rarely make it very far.

 

I agree that you should get rid of her either way. At least then if you divorce you will have some respect, that you did it because of a failed relationship and not because you were chasing a fantasy. You don't know what it's like to live the boring honest mundane life with the OW yet.

 

I love to see families stay together, but if you are damaging the children by staying together, then yes divorce. That was my criteria as a BS. If you know you will continue to be unfaithful, then that's a deal breaker too.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you should strongly consider divorce. You feel you deserve a more professional and attractive partner and your wife certainly deserves someone that will not be with her just to " work with her to get better". Yes, I think she deserves unconditional love especially when the only sins against you that you list are her weight gain and mothering your children instead of making the career choices you would had respected.

Like so many that have strayed, you have two separate issues:

 

1). The circumstances of your marriage

2). The damaging choices you've made

 

I feel you've discredited your wife in 1). so you could engage in 2)., a typically passive/aggressive strategy many cheaters use.

 

I''l just say neither path you're on strikes me as one that leads to happiness for you and whomever you choose. Lots to think about ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jnel921]

You keep listening to your "friend" who knows nothing about your family and who tells you your kids will be fine if you leave them for her. famous selfish words.

 

Maybe you should leave your wife... and like me I am sure she will bounce back, show you that she is stronger and more beautiful than you could have ever imagined you thought she could be. At that point she will be enjoying the attention of many gentleman callers and I say good for her.

 

My exH would have given his left arm to have what he once walked out on many years ago... But I say Tough S***!

 

I hope the sex is worth it.

[Yesterday]

dichotomy - My friend has been divorced for a year, and I met her after her divorce.

 

Thank you all... For your advice. My wife and I had been to counseling twice over the past 3 years, but things were not changing. I felt bad for her the second time we went because the counselor told her to change her perspective or attitude to life and try to take ownership and try to make herself a better person for herself. Obviously, I got my own homework - which was to be more supportive, which I've tried to do. Unfortunately, when I try to address particular issues, its taken as an attack on her person.

 

I recently went for counseling just by myself, but was not courageous to own up to my other relationship (been going on for 3 months). That's why I came here... I may be somewhat anonymous on here, but it stings to hear what I'm hearing, but I need it - and I thank you all. It would seem to be a no-brainer, especially considering that I'm considered the perpetrator and the bad person.

 

I'll not try to defend myself too much, but I got to a point where I thought I was carrying my wife emotionally because she seemed incapable of overcoming her own self. I suggested alternatives, but I guess I'll be told that I didn't try hard enough. In my way, I thought I was doing my best and wondering how come other women out there do it - other Moms who worked in the home did it - and looked good. I came to think my marriage was not that important to her, because I seemed to be one raising concern at various points. It seems as though if I didn't complain, then everything would be good. For quite a while, I had to give excuses for her missing company events where spouses show up. I felt like my life was being cheated of experiences that I wanted but that I didn't have control to do... This is aside the point - I know - and I recognize that I have two separate issues here... Getting clearer for me...

 

Wak80,

Why is your AP divorced? Was she in an affair, or was it her husband cheating? Either way, she knows she should not be in a relationship with a married man. You already know her integrity, her boundaries and the trust you can expect from her. You will find many faults with her too over time, her looks will change etc., good luck if that route becomes your choice.

 

Your wifes' depression, her low esteem and weight gain have been magnified by your browbeating over the past years. The councilor gave you homework to support your wife, again you blame your wife rather than find a way to support her in a fashion that she could accept other than perceive it as more criticism from you.

 

You are putting your marriage, your kids and friends at risk with your affair. Accept how much this really falls on you, stop blaming your wife. Yes, she has faults, but they can only be minimal compared to the ones I read of your post.

 

Stop the affair, go NC, it is clouding your judgement. Work on your marriage first, give it an honest chance, spend time with your family and wife. Truly support her, before it is too late.

[MovingPast]

I thought I was by buying all kinds of equipment, encouraging her to measure and set goals

 

 

That isn't being supportive of an overweight mom who obviously lacks in self esteem. It feels controlling and like you're only after your own agenda, to change how your wife looks. How about loving your wife enough that physical appearance doesn't matter and making her feel that way? What if she had been disfigured in an accident instead of gained weight?

 

Get your head out of your hiney! Don't kid yourself thinking divorce doesn't affect the children. Try looking into a few "children of divorce" forums. This woman carried, delivered and raised your children and has been, from what I understand a good mother and faithful and loyal wife.

 

IF she gives you another chance, you should count your lucky stars.

[scatterd]

You say that your wifes weight is the problem but she was a good mother.Her weight and self esteem went down because of you expecting her to look like you wanted her to rather then loving her for herself and thanking her for giving so much to the family. She probably has put all her beauty time into her kids and taking care of everybody else which was being unselfish. You have no idea on how much beauty comes from a woman that gets attention from a man admiring her. Nothing in life looks good when not nurtured and treated with love and support. Look around see what plants, animals and even a home looks like with out attention, time, love and nurturing. Your wife is no different and the way you love and treat her will not give her reason and worth. She gave so much of her love to your children and everyone else and you reward her with finding someone else to nurture and love. You are lucky she still wants to try. If you do not wake up then someone else will take her and you will look at how much better she looks in love and how happy some one else will be to have a good woman. You may want to look in the mirror before putting her weight down beauty starts from with in. Marriage is hard work and if you think about it you

will realize you have been selfish and soaked up all the praise and attention you could get from OW and gave her what your wife needed and deserved.I hope by being here and reading everybody's opinions and story's that

you will grow and find love and peace.

[Wak80]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom... That's why I came here only yesterday. You are all individuals scattered around the globe, but you all sound like a council of elders - and I appreciate you reading my story and sharing all.

 

Obviously there are details that I didn't enter here, but I think I put the gyst of it all. I've taken in all the hard words about leaving my friend, and I'm making that commitment within me to do so.

 

Last night or early this morning, my wife and I had a talk. She told me details about my friend that shocked me. I sat quietly. She told me she knew I liked this person a lot, and that I was probably if not in love. She told me why she thinks so - that from what she found out - where my friend is from and a few other bits of information she discovered - she thought that may be she would be a better match for me. She found out because she knew my friend's first name (from my phone records) and I figured she used social media to find out more considering she knew what circle I met her in. I was stunned when she said these things, because they were true - and they were compelling reasons why I was thinking the way I was. My W said she knew she'd not been the person she needed to be for a long time (my brother told her recently that he'd observed that I'd not been happy for a while, and my W as well). My W said she knew I was torn because she believes I'm not trying to be mean to her or to carelessly destroy my life and our family. At that point, I responded with that I had been thinking - and I really had been, after reading all your comments on here last night (I normally work remotely on the weekend, but I immersed myself on every line every on wrote on here and spent some time by myself - my W was out, I was with the kids)), I told her I wanted to start working on our relationship and our marriage.

 

She told me she could consider working on things, but she'd have to try hard. She said she'd not want to be in a relationship where there's a risk such as I now have, with someone she knows I connect with. She knows that I don't connect with people easily - and for me to have gone this far with this friend, she knows I was really invested and torn.

 

Anyway, that's the update for now. I want to make this commitment to repair things and work on my marriage. There are many reasons I need to do this. I know a divorce would take financial strains on me. It would strain the kids. And my work schedule, which occasionally requires travel out of town. I actually started thinking about looking for a local job because of what I knew this would do to my schedule.

 

As for my friend, I have to be honest with you all that I have deep feelings for her. I've read all what you've all said, and for those of you that have walked down this road and know better, I have heard all you said - that she'll wonder about me too if I become her husband, that it might get boring after a while when life gets normal, that its not right at all to do things in this sequence. I'm mustering the courage to let her know. And I pray that she'll be OK, despite how invested I believe we both have been. If I know she'll be OK soon, I'll be Ok. I sound naive and immature, but this is where I am.

 

And I thank you all for your time...

Edited November 9, 2013 by Wak80

[BetrayedH]

You're making the right choices but there's still some wayward thinking that's concerning.

 

The most notable are your reasons for staying. You listed finances and kids. How about your wife? She is being remarkably understanding and remarkably tolerant. She must love you immensely (even after being betrayed). Do you really need more than that?

 

She also sounds like she's a fairly wise woman. If she's not going to be #1 in your life, she'd rather let you go (for the sake of both of you).

 

If you can't get into this marriage with both feet, she may make the choice for you.

[beach]

You can't honestly work on your marriage unless you eliminate the OW completely.

 

Have you ended all contact with her yet?

[Journee]

Oh brother.

 

I still think you should consider divorce as you sound like a real piece of work that feels he is doing his wife a favor. You do realize that there are billions of people on this planet and that it's not as extraordinary as cheaters make it out to be, to connect with someone? You give enough time and eenergy into a relationship lots of things are possible. People fall in and out of love. If this is so all encompassing please ACTUALLY do your wife a favor and let her find a partner that will reciprocate her love and admiration. Not be in a constant state of disapproval because she didn't manage to do it all and do it all with a smile and a svelte frame. Ugh.

 

If you feel you are so resentful of your wife just wait until this all sinks in to her. Talk about resentment. Loving a man that looks at her like a pet that didn't learn how to heel fast enough. What a big fat disappointment she is in life. Give me a break. You know how many men would kill for a good faithful woman and mother to their children? Just ask a few of the betrayed men on this board what those traits would mean to them. Oh, and by the way. LOTS of men love extra cushion for the pushin'. If you don't like it honey someone will. That's a fact.

 

Go on and see where this connection with your buddy will take you. It might be everything that you deserve and think you want.

[Wak80]

Wak80,

Why is your AP divorced? Was she in an affair, or was it her husband cheating?

 

Her husband had, then she did after many years then ended the marriage...