I'm in trouble, need to vent

[knihcsn]

Hi, First time on here. I'm the OW and have been seeing MM consistently for 1.5 years. We met at work and there was an immediate connection. We were both freshly married, (within a week of eachother, and 8 months into our respective marriages when we met). So we got to know eachother that way. I began to pick up signals from him about a year later. We went to a work conference, just me and him. He had been promoted to my supervisor. We both vented about really similar problems we were facing in our young marriages. We were like, "woops, probably shouldn't have tied the knot, oh well..."

 

About a month after our trip together, he sent me a flirtatious email and I was shocked by my reaction. I was pleased and turned on. So I flirted back. We started running together as training buddies and just became closer still.

 

His attention was the push I needed to leave my husband. I did not want to cheat or lie, so I left. I moved out and ended it with my husband. MM was supportive and kind. Shortly after I left, MM and I became physical. I was of course psyched to find passion and my head was in a great place. I felt free and self assured and devil-may-care. We began to meet 2-3 times a week consistently, couldnt' get enough.

 

About 6 months in, he found a new job and I thought that would be the end. I was okay. Then he called to ask me to come work for him at the new company, which would offer amazing benefits and a ton more money. I took the bait. It was a stellar job opportunity.

 

We started back in more than ever. He got really intense, and told me he loved me. I almost died of shock and pleasure in equal parts. Things got real at that point. I was finally ready to begin dating, and he'd get so jealous and hurt. There was never any talk of him leaving the wife, of course, even though he sh*t talked how miserable things were, never have sex, blah blah blah...but he started dropping hints. Sayin he was thinking about it.

 

Having just gone through the same situation and being a witness to their relationship over the last couple of years, all I've said to him is, I think that's a good direction to move in for both your sakes, my part in the situation aside.

 

They are young, no kids..He was there for me to see how simple and non-dramatic a break up can be, and he seems to value my feedback. Most of these talks happen in kind of a "friend-zone" running setting. We work together all day and sneak off at lunch to make love, or to just kiss in the hall way. We are madly in love at this point. Seeing him flourish at this new job has completely sealed the deal for me. We laugh, we hang out with work friends, we are a great team at our jobs, we just ran our first 1/2 marathon together. he's brilliant and funny and creative and driven and everything I've always wanted in a partner, including passionate.

 

So I found someone new to date over this last 5 months, casually at first, but it got more serious after a while. It just kind of happened. I decided to continue my affair with MM. It has torn him up. He's in therapy now. Apparently over our situation. He cant stand the thought of another man's hands on me and has said over and over he wants mefor his own. He's lost 20 lbs and signed up for the 1/2 marathon with me to impress me and spend even more time with me. I love it. I'm eating it up. He does make me feel loved, even if I get jealous hearing about his home life.

 

At this point, I have become overwhelmed with the deceit and guilt that goes with having two relationships. My work is suffering and my resentment for his lack of action is mounting.

 

We had a big work related fight yesterday where he was out of line and I think abusing his power over me..we went off privately to yell at eachother and ended up having sex on a desk.

 

Something snapped in me. He just pushed me too far and suddenly I felt pathetic. So I told him I was done. Done being his plaything whenever he fancies and his obedient little work minion. I have never had the guts to say it, even if I've wanted to before. Because I know if we break up, I'll have to leave this job to save face. No way I'll be able to sit next to him and hear about his cushy life while I'm left alone, (me and the other guy recently broke up too). He was shocked and said, "are you dumping me!? Please dont do this, you can't leave!" but it was the end of the day, so we parted and haven't talked.

 

He took a personal day today. My imagination is running wild. What's he thinking?

 

I was up til 4am last night trying to find some clarity, and I came to the conclusion that it's completely unfair for me to have to leave the job I love and my work family when I've already been through divorce. I've worked hard to get back on my feet, and all the while he's been having his cake and eating it too.

 

Isn't it time for him to make a sacrifice and do the right thing? Can I say that to him? His wife is miserable with him anyway, and she is very well equipped to be successful on her own moving forward. I'm his real life now, and have been for a year.

 

I want to express this to him, but I don't want to push him away.

 

Bottom line, I want him. I know I can handle this dirtbag in real life. I'm not afraid of cheating any more, and would be up for an open relationship even, if that's what either of us wanted. We've been pretty brutally honest about each of our own selfish tendancies, needs and desires. We deserve eachother, and would thrive together. We do already, I'm just dead sick of keeping it a secret.

 

Where do I go from here? The last contact we had was me saying I'm done because he pushed me too far. And I'll look for a new job. I love him so much and want to make this work.. I feel like I should regain some of my self assuredness and keep him out of my pants for a while... but I do not want to leave my job. I just don't see another solution. Unless he mans up and leaves his wife. I want to tell him it's so obvious and makes so much more sense than ruining both of our lifes at this point. all three of us could have a chance to be happy if he just made the move.

 

I'd love to hear feedback, sorry so long. I don't have anyone except him to talk to about this, and it's so exhausting keeping it in.

 

Thanks

[Quiet Storm]

I think if he was going to leave his wife for you, he would have done it by now.

 

I think he will always be willing to take what you are offering up, but that's it.

 

You did a lot for him, left your marriage, even changed jobs. I know from your perspective, you want your sacrifices to be worth it. You want to feel appreciated for what you did for him & the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, OW often get burned for dating other men. Regardless of the fact that he's MARRIED, some men feel betrayed if you are with another man. OW may see this jealously as hope that he will leave for her, but often MM see it as a betrayal and lose respect for her.

 

I would try to find another job ASAP. You do not want you livelihood tied to this man. He sounds entitled and he may feel like he owns you just because he got you a better job. The work argument & how it ended up in sex just shows that, IMO, and that's why you felt pathetic.

 

I think you just need to be by yourself for awhile. In a span of two years you were married, divorced, an OW and had a boyfriend. Men aren't supposed to make you happy- they are just supposed to enhance an inner happiness that is already there.

 

His attention was the push I needed to leave my husband

 

He signed up for the 1/2 marathon with me to impress me and spend even more time with me. I love it. I'm eating it up. He does make me feel loved.

 

You need validation from men, so you need to work on that. It's probably a huge part of how you ended up where you are right now. You should not need another man's attention to end a marriage that's not working. You will feel much more content if you learn to validate yourself, love yourself and protect yourself from situations that are not good for you.

 

Bottom line, I want him. I know I can handle this dirtbag in real life.

 

Why do you want a dirtbag? Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Why does the love of a "dirtbag" feel so valuable & special to you? Why are you willing to hurt the new guy, for a dirtbag?

 

These are the questions you should ask yourself.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[hurtnomorerika]

I think if he was going to leave his wife for you, he would have done it by now.

 

I think he will always be willing to take what you are offering up, but that's it.

 

You did a lot for him, left your marriage, even changed jobs. I know from your perspective, you want your sacrifices to be worth it. You want to feel appreciated for what you did for him & the relationship.

 

Unfortunately, OW often get burned for dating other men. Regardless of the fact that he's MARRIED, some men feel betrayed if you are with another man. OW may see this jealously as hope that he will leave for her, but often MM see it as a betrayal and lose respect for her.

 

I would try to find another job ASAP. You do not want you livelihood tied to this man. He sounds entitled and he may feel like he owns you just because he got you a better job. The work argument & how it ended up in sex just shows that, IMO, and that's why you felt pathetic.

 

I think you just need to be by yourself for awhile. In a span of two years you were married, divorced, an OW and had a boyfriend. Men aren't supposed to make you happy- they are just supposed to enhance an inner happiness that is already there.

 

 

 

 

 

You need validation from men, so you need to work on that. It's probably a huge part of how you ended up where you are right now. You should not need another man's attention to end a marriage that's not working. You will feel much more content if you learn to validate yourself, love yourself and protect yourself from situations that are not good for you.

 

 

 

Why do you want a dirtbag? Why don't you think you deserve better than this? Why does the love of a "dirtbag" feel so valuable & special to you? Why are you willing to hurt the new guy, for a dirtbag?

 

These are the questions you should ask yourself.

 

The bolded is so true. My MM got mad when he found text messages from a guy friend, this was when we first started seeing each other. He also said he wanted to be number 1 in my life. How ironic coming from someone who is MM. I sure wasnt number 1 in his life. Tuh!

[pteromom]

You are allowing him to get away with this.

 

What incentive is there for him to leave his wife?

 

You keep sleeping with him no matter if leaves or not, so he is getting what he wants.

 

The only way anything will change is if you STOP. Just stop. Don't sleep with him, and keep everything cool and professional at work.

 

If he really does love you as much as he says, that will be the incentive he needs to end his marriage and come to you a free man.

 

And don't quit your job. If you like your job, there's no reason to let him chase you off.

[ComingInHot]

there are a couple things that you "know" for certain:

-He Is M'd

-YOU are "madly in love with" him

-You BELIEVE That he doesn't love His Wife

-You are willing to sleep w/a MM

-You Don't want to ne a secret so you Want His Wife to know

-You are engaging in a work A w/your Boss (who Is M'd)

-MM is a "dirt bag" but you want a MM anyway

 

Is this who you Really are and if so, Why??

 

I don't even know you and want better for you AND His Wife*

[knihcsn]

I appreciate all of this insight- thank you for taking the time to hear me out.

 

I'm not a passionate person by nature. I fall in love at the pace of a glacier, if at all. and its always been so practical and..boring. It took me a long time to admit what I felt for MM. I'm a thinker, not a feely, emo person, so I talked myself out of it for months. It was easy. Im smarter than this. The chemistry is off the charts though, something else I'd never experienced before, so I kept going back for more, and ooooops. I finally fell. Hard. Which hasn't happened to me ....ever. the thing is, it happened once I got much closer to him as a person and friend. i call him a dirtbag, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I am experiencing "real" love. The kind that keeps you up all night fretting. The reckless kind.

 

And I don't want to give up on it. I don't connect with many people in any aspect of my life. So when it happens, I want to guard it.

 

With regard to needing validation from men etc...I see where you're coming from. Ill work on regaining my sense of self. Im great at being single though, for the record.. ive spent many years living alone and without relationships. Im an introvert and very happy to take myself out to dinner alone.

 

My main concern now is going through this break up at work in a tight knit group without cracking. Maintaining my poise has gotten difficult. I'm an emotional casserole now and have to go to the bathroom and cry and stuff, its pitiful. I can't help it. I'm in love. The real kind. I can't just switch it off, you know?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Real love is none of those adjectives you used....what you described is how an addict feels.

 

Where did you learn that it is okay to use other people (the new guy)?

 

 

I suggest you get yourself into therapy. Like, yesterday.

 

You have much to sort through.

[whichwayisup]

This so called love you talk about reminds me of the movie 9 1/2 weeks. It's fun and exciting but also unhealthy and does damage. Throw in the fact (good for you at least you divorced!) he is still choosing to stay married, so obviously he's not ready to walk away, he still is getting something from his wife, they have no kids so what's his real reason for not divorcing? Something you should think about..

 

Also, take a break from MEN period. You've been bouncing from guy to guy for a while, so maybe being single to let life calm down a bit would be good for you, help you focus on JUST work. There's so much drama and the thing is, I'm sure everybody at work knows about it too. That's the thing about mixing business with romance/pleasure, chances one suffers, if not both and when it all goes south, you lose both.

 

Anyway, I wish you peace and hope you're able to work through this in a healthy way.

[Artie Lang]

you sound very young, naive, and immature.

 

it also sounds like you enjoy all the attention/drama.