Big Time Trust Issues

[Downtown]

I wonder if I may have all of a sudden stumbled on a "Trigger" I could use to get her to treat me right or "Split me white"....Do you kind of catch what I am saying?

Yes, I understand what you're asking. The problem -- if your GF is a BPDer -- is that she is very emotionally unstable. This means that her behavior is volatile and unpredictable. The result is that you can tell her a joke or tease her about something and -- nine times in a row -- she will think it is hilariously funny. On the tenth time, however, she will take great offense and start chastising you.

 

Hence, whatever triggers her on one day does not necessarily work a day later. And whatever comment soothes her on one day she may find to condescending and offensive on another. The reason, of course, is that her intense feelings distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations.

 

Another result of this instability is that, like smokers who are always "quitting," BPDers are always "improving" -- dramatically so -- every few weeks. Yet, unless they work hard for years in therapy, what you are seeing is not real improvement but, rather, just the upside of another cycle. Hence, distinguishing real progress from the roller coaster ride is very hard to do.

 

This is why spouses like me will foolishly spend 15 years living with a BPDer. We mistakenly believe that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our spouses to those wonderful people we saw at the beginning. Likewise, you are searching for a "trigger" or magical phrase you "can use to get her to treat me right."

[niceguy31]

Yes, I understand what you're asking. The problem -- if your GF is a BPDer -- is that she is very emotionally unstable. This means that her behavior is volatile and unpredictable. The result is that you can tell her a joke or tease her about something and -- nine times in a row -- she will think it is hilariously funny. On the tenth time, however, she will take great offense and start chastising you.

 

Hence, whatever triggers her on one day does not necessarily work a day later. And whatever comment soothes her on one day she may find to condescending and offensive on another. The reason, of course, is that her intense feelings distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations.

 

Another result of this instability is that, like smokers who are always "quitting," BPDers are always "improving" -- dramatically so -- every few weeks. Yet, unless they work hard for years in therapy, what you are seeing is not real improvement but, rather, just the upside of another cycle. Hence, distinguishing real progress from the roller coaster ride is very hard to do.

 

This is why spouses like me will foolishly spend 15 years living with a BPDer. We mistakenly believe that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our spouses to those wonderful people we saw at the beginning. Likewise, you are searching for a "trigger" or magical phrase you "can use to get her to treat me right."

 

Yeah I was kind of going for a attempt to use it as a tool to demonstrate to her that the behaviors she exhibits when she "Splits me black" are unacceptable,and that if I were to attempt to use this phrase more intentionally instead of degressing into a arguement with her that only creates heartache and strife,that it might come around to her that even though I don't actually abandon her,the greatest threat of me doing so is not through cheating,but through the fact that her behavior is hurting me instead,and I know for a fact cause she has told me before she never wants to intentionally hurt me.

 

The reason I kind of came to this thought was because I have seen where you have stated that someone with BPD exhibits behaviors that mirror that of a child,and her going and splitting me black at times reminds me of someone who's got a habit,and when you think about it,you can equate it to a child like behavior because a child has habits,some of which are not good ones until they are taught that those habits are wrong or out of bounds,and that's when you teach that child that they need to break that habit or change that incorrect behavior. See what I'm getting at?

[Downtown]

A child has habits,some of which are not good ones until they are taught that those habits are wrong or out of bounds,and that's when you teach that child that they need to break that habit or change that incorrect behavior. See what I'm getting at?

Yes. There are excellent treatment programs designed to do exactly that: to teach BPDers the skills they never learned in early childhood. These skills include how to control their own emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to trust, how to do self soothing, and how to intellectually challenge their intense feelings (instead of accepting them as truths). Yet, if your GF has strong traits, you are in way over your head trying to be her therapist as well as her BF.

 

Even the professionals usually have little success with BPDers. Although the treatment programs work as advertised, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to take advantage of such programs, which require years of hard work. Retraining one's own mind after a lifetime of disordered thinking is not easy and it takes a long time.

 

That said, if your GF only has mild to moderate BPD traits -- not strong traits -- you likely can improve your relationship by learning your own set of skills: validation techniques. They are described in the book I mentioned earlier.

 

They also are described at two online resources. One is a psychiatric nurse's blog providing 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing. The other resource is BPDfamily's list of tools for reducing conflict with a BPDer family member. Those tools are described at Decision Making Guidelines.

 

I caution, however, that those tools likely will not make a dent in her dysfunctional behavior if she has strong traits. Her two fears will be so strong that they will color and distort her perceptions of your intentions. Moreover, she will be unable to believe you or trust you. Significantly, TRUST is the foundation on which all LTRs must be built if they are to be successful. Sadly, when a woman is unable to trust YOU, you will never be able to trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time. And she eventually will.

[niceguy31]

Yes. There are excellent treatment programs designed to do exactly that: to teach BPDers the skills they never learned in early childhood. These skills include how to control their own emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking, how to trust, how to do self soothing, and how to intellectually challenge their intense feelings (instead of accepting them as truths). Yet, if your GF has strong traits, you are in way over your head trying to be her therapist as well as her BF.

 

Even the professionals usually have little success with BPDers. Although the treatment programs work as advertised, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to take advantage of such programs, which require years of hard work. Retraining one's own mind after a lifetime of disordered thinking is not easy and it takes a long time.

 

That said, if your GF only has mild to moderate BPD traits -- not strong traits -- you likely can improve your relationship by learning your own set of skills: validation techniques. They are described in the book I mentioned earlier.

 

They also are described at two online resources. One is a psychiatric nurse's blog providing 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing. The other resource is BPDfamily's list of tools for reducing conflict with a BPDer family member. Those tools are described at Decision Making Guidelines.

 

I caution, however, that those tools likely will not make a dent in her dysfunctional behavior if she has strong traits. Her two fears will be so strong that they will color and distort her perceptions of your intentions. Moreover, she will be unable to believe you or trust you. Significantly, TRUST is the foundation on which all LTRs must be built if they are to be successful. Sadly, when a woman is unable to trust YOU, you will never be able to trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time. And she eventually will.

 

Thanks,I will look at those links you just gave me because i'm not even sure how strong her BPD traits are,it's obvious they are there but how strong and how correctable they are I am unsure of.

 

I was also basing my thought off of something you had said to someone else on these forums about how important it is to set boundaries for what behavior is acceptable and what isn't,and I previously wanted to try this with her after having read a article on trust issues alone that suggested this technique,and I discussed the idea with her,and she shot me down saying that it sound more like I wanted to control her and she didn't want that,and I'm thinking maybe more what I should have done was to attempt to apply the technique without discussing it first,to just go ahead and try it.

[Downtown]

I was also basing my thought off of something you had said to someone else on these forums about how important it is to set boundaries for what behavior is acceptable and what isn't.

Yes, it is important to establish strong personal boundaries and to enforce them. In contrast, a person with strong BPD traits has very low personal boundaries, not knowing where she leaves off and you begin. If she has mild to moderate traits, your establishing strong boundaries may greatly improve your relationship.

 

If she has strong traits, however, she will not tolerate such a relationship because she needs frequent validation of her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." As I explain at links you've already read, the only way you can validate that false self image -- and thus be allowed to continue the R/S -- is to play one of two roles.

 

One role is your being "The Savior," which implies she must be "The Victim" because you're always trying to save her from something. Never mind that, every time you pull her from the raging seas, she jumps right back into the water (thus validating her role as eternal victim). The other role is to be "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her every misfortune and unhappiness (again validating her role as victim). This is why a BPDer will alternately put you on a pedestal (as her savior) and knock you off, devaluing or demonizing you.

 

I mention this to emphasize that, when you enforce strong personal boundaries, it may help a lot if her traits are moderate but will destroy the R/S if those traits are strong. That destruction is a good thing, however, because -- when traits are strong -- the R/S is toxic to both of you and likely is harming both of you. So, yes, build strong personal boundaries no matter what her issues are.

I previously wanted to try this with her after having read a article on trust issues ...and I'm thinking maybe more what I should have done was to attempt to apply the technique without discussing it first,to just go ahead and try it.

Yes, if you are still not ready to breakup, it seems prudent to try it. In that case, limit your discussion to simply announcing -- when a boundary has been violated -- that in the future you will not tolerate it and will respond by doing xyz. This all seems like quite a bit of work, however, for a R/S with a woman you've not yet met in the flesh.

 

If it were me, I would simply end the R/S after having been treated the way she's treated you. But that's just me. I'm on weak ground to be judgmental, however, because I'm the one who foolishly spent a small fortune taking a BPDer exW to six different psychologists for 15 years -- only to end up in jail for three days, LOL.

[niceguy31]

Yes, it is important to establish strong personal boundaries and to enforce them. In contrast, a person with strong BPD traits has very low personal boundaries, not knowing where she leaves off and you begin. If she has mild to moderate traits, your establishing strong boundaries may greatly improve your relationship.

 

If she has strong traits, however, she will not tolerate such a relationship because she needs frequent validation of her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." As I explain at links you've already read, the only way you can validate that false self image -- and thus be allowed to continue the R/S -- is to play one of two roles.

 

One role is your being "The Savior," which implies she must be "The Victim" because you're always trying to save her from something. Never mind that, every time you pull her from the raging seas, she jumps right back into the water (thus validating her role as eternal victim). The other role is to be "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her every misfortune and unhappiness (again validating her role as victim). This is why a BPDer will alternately put you on a pedestal (as her savior) and knock you off, devaluing or demonizing you.

 

I mention this to emphasize that, when you enforce strong personal boundaries, it may help a lot if her traits are moderate but will destroy the R/S if those traits are strong. That destruction is a good thing, however, because -- when traits are strong -- the R/S is toxic to both of you and likely is harming both of you. So, yes, build strong personal boundaries no matter what her issues are.Yes, if you are still not ready to breakup, it seems prudent to try it. In that case, limit your discussion to simply announcing -- when a boundary has been violated -- that in the future you will not tolerate it and will respond by doing xyz. This all seems like quite a bit of work, however, for a R/S with a woman you've not yet met in the flesh.

 

If it were me, I would simply end the R/S after having been treated the way she's treated you. But that's just me. I'm on weak ground to be judgmental, however, because I'm the one who foolishly spent a small fortune taking a BPDer exW to six different psychologists for 15 years -- only to end up in jail for three days, LOL.

 

I appreciate your advice I really do. This is all definatley a education for me as BPD is something I never really was aware of.

 

I was reading a little bit of the workshop thread on validating techniques that you gave me the link for and I must admit that there are times where I get upset because of this way that she expresses her feelings,but I also saw there where someone mentioned that you can't validate the invalid,and that makes me think that using validation techniques when she calls me a liar,or a cheater,and makes accusations like that,really doesn't work because since her accusations towards me are not true,or valid,validation techniques could only go so far I think. About the only thing I could say in response would be "I Understand why you may think this way. We don't see each other face to face,and don't know what each other is doing". So I don't know if trying that statement would do any good or not.

[Downtown]

Using validation techniques when she calls me a liar,or a cheater,and makes accusations like that,really doesn't work because since her accusations towards me are not true,or valid,validation techniques could only go so far I think.

I agree. If her traits are moderate, it may help to acknowledge that her feelings are valid. That is, her feelings are very real and she must deal with them. This is important because BPDers typically (but not always) grew up in an invalidating environment, where there was little or no recognition that her feelings were real. She was told, e.g., to just get over it or she was being silly.

 

Validation is of little help, however, when the BPDer's trust level is so low she is incapable of believing anything you say -- and when her self loathing is so great that she is incapable of believing you could ever truly love her.

[niceguy31]

I agree. If her traits are moderate, it may help to acknowledge that her feelings are valid. That is, her feelings are very real and she must deal with them. This is important because BPDers typically (but not always) grew up in an invalidating environment, where there was little or no recognition that her feelings were real. She was told, e.g., to just get over it or she was being silly.

 

Validation is of little help, however, when the BPDer's trust level is so low she is incapable of believing anything you say -- and when her self loathing is so great that she is incapable of believing you could ever truly love her.

 

Do you think that statement might be worth a shot the next time she does make those accusations,to see how she responds to it and that might give us a sense of how strong her traits are?

[Downtown]

Do you think that statement might be worth a shot the next time she does make those accusations,to see how she responds to it and that might give us a sense of how strong her traits are?

It doesn't matter what I think on this matter. We both know that, with you being an excessive caregiver like me, there is no way you are going to walk away from a sick loved one as long as there is one stone left unturned. So go ahead and turn that last stone -- even without my blessing.

 

Not that it matters, I will answer your question -- if only to clarify my views. If you were in your tenth year of marriage to a woman as controlling, clinging, and verbally abusive as you describe, I would suggest you divorce her if she is not willing to acknowledge her issues and EAGER to work hard on them in a therapy program for many years. Specifically, I would suggest you hire an attorney, file for D, split up your joint savings and equity, sell the house, pack up your half of the belongings, rent an apartment, and hire a moving company to relocate you.

 

Yet, because you are not married to the woman, you don't have to endure that painful, arduous, and expensive process of disentangling your life from hers. You're not even living with her. Indeed, you've not even met this woman and thus have yet to go on a single date with her.

 

Hence, if I thought there was a prayer's chance of affecting your decision, I would have already joined all the other respondents in suggesting that you stop corresponding with this woman. But, of course, there is that one stone yet unturned. And you are going to turn it. That, at least, is what I chose to do for 15 years.

[niceguy31]

It doesn't matter what I think on this matter. We both know that, with you being an excessive caregiver like me, there is no way you are going to walk away from a sick loved one as long as there is one stone left unturned. So go ahead and turn that last stone -- even without my blessing.

 

Not that it matters, I will answer your question -- if only to clarify my views. If you were in your tenth year of marriage to a woman as controlling, clinging, and verbally abusive as you describe, I would suggest you divorce her if she is not willing to acknowledge her issues and EAGER to work hard on them in a therapy program for many years. Specifically, I would suggest you hire an attorney, file for D, split up your joint savings and equity, sell the house, pack up your half of the belongings, rent an apartment, and hire a moving company to relocate you.

 

Yet, because you are not married to the woman, you don't have to endure that painful, arduous, and expensive process of disentangling your life from hers. You're not even living with her. Indeed, you've not even met this woman and thus have yet to go on a single date with her.

 

Hence, if I thought there was a prayer's chance of affecting your decision, I would have already joined all the other respondents in suggesting that you stop corresponding with this woman. But, of course, there is that one stone yet unturned. And you are going to turn it. That, at least, is what I chose to do for 15 years.

 

Sorry I'm just now replying to this but I appreciate your thoughts and input. I just don't know if it is cruel of me to just walk away from her simply because she isn't well. If I were to do so do you think it would show that I don't care about her then? Obviously this is not a easy thing to deal with or even treat. It would be hard to have to break up with her.

[headinthecloud]

Without trust you have nothing but a toxic relationship. You should have a talk with her and tell her that she either decides that your trustworthy and she trusts you (stops being insecure) or you have to both move on because her insecurities are unhealthy to both her and you. Good luck....that's a tough situation.

[headinthecloud]

Sorry I'm just now replying to this but I appreciate your thoughts and input. I just don't know if it is cruel of me to just walk away from her simply because she isn't well. If I were to do so do you think it would show that I don't care about her then? Obviously this is not a easy thing to deal with or even treat. It would be hard to have to break up with her.

 

She's not your responsibility. We are responsible for our own happiness. You're not responsible for her health, only your own. You're not married and you should be having fun, not worrying how not to offend your GF.

[niceguy31]

She's not your responsibility. We are responsible for our own happiness. You're not responsible for her health, only your own. You're not married and you should be having fun, not worrying how not to offend your GF.

 

This is true! I am more than likely going to have to end this relationship. It's the "how to do it" and the dealing with more potential threats of suicide from her,and not knowing if she is going to act on those threats and if she does,how I might be blamed then for "leaving her and causing her to go that far"

[Downtown]

I just don't know if it is cruel of me to just walk away from her simply because she isn't well.

No. You aren't walking away because she isn't well. Rather, you're leaving because she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions and do something to fix herself. If she has strong BPD traits, the issues are very fixable.

 

There are only two ways to go here, as I see it. One is to continue being an enabler who allows her to keep throwing little temper tantrums -- like a spoiled child -- and keep GETTING AWAY WITH IT. If you continue to take that path, you will be harming her by destroying her opportunities to have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

The other path is to treat her in the same way that every good parent treats a young child: to allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own actions. Instead of giving her a free pass to be abusive and controlling, you establish strong personal boundaries that do not allow her to treat you abusively and disrespectfully. The logical consequences of that bad behavior is that you -- like her other partners before you -- will walk away. To do otherwise is to harm her with your own enabling behavior.

If I were to do so do you think it would show that I don't care about her then?

No, your reluctance to do so shows, instead, that you don't care enough about YOURSELF. Just stop and think about it: do you see any healthy guys with good self esteem remaining in a toxic relationship with that abusive, controlling, volatile young woman? Of course not. Those guys are running in the opposite direction. It is the excessive caregivers like you and me who are attracted to the women that healthy men are fleeing from.

 

IMO, the primary reason you are so attracted to her is that, like me, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). This is why guys like us will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find a woman who desperately needs us.

 

That vulnerability -- which BPDers have in spades -- is "catnip" to us caregivers. The risk, then, is that even after you break up with this woman you will run right into the arms of another woman just like her. Importantly, the BPDers generally don't go hunting for guys like us. Instead, we go searching for them -- and we can spot one of them across a crowded room. Specifically, we can spot their vulnerability. It is because of your being at great risk of repeating your mistake (i.e., searching for someone who desperately needs you) that I've been encouraging you to learn how to spot the nine warning signs of BPD.

 

Please remember that a toxic relationship is NOT something that a BPDer does to you. Rather, it is something you both do to each other. That is, it takes two willing partners to sustain a toxic relationship. Once you realize that your role -- i.e., your contribution to the toxicity -- is your harmful enabling behavior, you will be able to free yourself from the terrible, unwarranted guilt that is keeping you mired in an unhealthy relationship.

[niceguy31]

No. You aren't walking away because she isn't well. Rather, you're leaving because she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions and do something to fix herself. If she has strong BPD traits, the issues are very fixable.

 

There are only two ways to go here, as I see it. One is to continue being an enabler who allows her to keep throwing little temper tantrums -- like a spoiled child -- and keep GETTING AWAY WITH IT. If you continue to take that path, you will be harming her by destroying her opportunities to have to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

The other path is to treat her in the same way that every good parent treats a young child: to allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own actions. Instead of giving her a free pass to be abusive and controlling, you establish strong personal boundaries that do not allow her to treat you abusively and disrespectfully. The logical consequences of that bad behavior is that you -- like her other partners before you -- will walk away. To do otherwise is to harm her with your own enabling behavior.No, your reluctance to do so shows, instead, that you don't care enough about YOURSELF. Just stop and think about it: do you see any healthy guys with good self esteem remaining in a toxic relationship with that abusive, controlling, volatile young woman? Of course not. Those guys are running in the opposite direction. It is the excessive caregivers like you and me who are attracted to the women that healthy men are fleeing from.

 

IMO, the primary reason you are so attracted to her is that, like me, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). This is why guys like us will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find a woman who desperately needs us.

 

That vulnerability -- which BPDers have in spades -- is "catnip" to us caregivers. The risk, then, is that even after you break up with this woman you will run right into the arms of another woman just like her. Importantly, the BPDers generally don't go hunting for guys like us. Instead, we go searching for them -- and we can spot one of them across a crowded room. Specifically, we can spot their vulnerability. It is because of your being at great risk of repeating your mistake (i.e., searching for someone who desperately needs you) that I've been encouraging you to learn how to spot the nine warning signs of BPD.

 

Please remember that a toxic relationship is NOT something that a BPDer does to you. Rather, it is something you both do to each other. That is, it takes two willing partners to sustain a toxic relationship. Once you realize that your role -- i.e., your contribution to the toxicity -- is your harmful enabling behavior, you will be able to free yourself from the terrible, unwarranted guilt that is keeping you mired in an unhealthy relationship.

 

Thanks Downtown. The big question now is how to end it. What needs to be said,what to do if she starts with more suicide threats (Which understandbly is a little scary to me since I live so far from her that I don't know for sure if the threats are empty or not). Is there maybe a way to talk the situation down to a level where a mutual agreement that the relationship isn't working out can be reached? Things like this,I feel like I want to go about this "The right way" and not just willy nilly end it like people do to normal relationships. Do you catch on to what I'm saying?

[Downtown]

It's...dealing with more potential threats of suicide from her,and not knowing if she is going to act on those threats....

I know how scary those threats can be. It is common for a high functioning BPDer to use suicide threats and other self-harm threats as a way of controlling her loved one -- to prevent abandonment. My BPDer exW, for example, would walk to a nearby pedestrian bridge, knowing that I was following protectively behind her. When I stopped following her, she stopped going to the bridge.

 

Instead, she started going down to the nearest subway platform, where she would call me, tell me she was going to jump in front of the next train, and then hang up. Of course, I frantically ran down to the subway station on two occasions. And, when I stopped going down there, she stopped going to the subway station altogether. But, of course, I sweated bullets when I stopped following her to the bridge and to the station because I never knew for sure that she was bluffing.

 

Likewise, you will suspect your GF is playing you for a sucker but you will never know for certain. My advice, then, is to immediately call 911 and report her the very next time she mentions such a threat. They will send someone by her home to check on her. Once she realizes that the threat means an embarassing visit from the police, she likely will stop making idle threats.

[niceguy31]

I know how scary those threats can be. It is common for a high functioning BPDer to use suicide threats and other self-harm threats as a way of controlling her loved one -- to prevent abandonment. My BPDer exW, for example, would walk to a nearby pedestrian bridge, knowing that I was following protectively behind her. When I stopped following her, she stopped going to the bridge.

 

Instead, she started going down to the nearest subway platform, where she would call me, tell me she was going to jump in front of the next train, and then hang up. Of course, I frantically ran down to the subway station on two occasions. And, when I stopped going down there, she stopped going to the subway station altogether. But, of course, I sweated bullets when I stopped following her to the bridge and to the station because I never knew for sure that she was bluffing.

 

Likewise, you will suspect your GF is playing you for a sucker but you will never know for certain. My advice, then, is to immediately call 911 and report her the very next time she mentions such a threat. They will send someone by her home to check on her. Once she realizes that the threat means an embarassing visit from the police, she likely will stop making idle threats.

 

Yeah or I could even just say I will call 911 if that is truly how you feel cause allthough I don't want to be with you anymore I don't want to see you hurt yourself,remember this is a LDR and actually calling 911 would be about as productive as....well nothing since I have never met her in person and thus would not be able to provide the 911 operator with her address.

[niceguy31]

One thing I do want to mention was that I did interact with my GF's (soon to be my Ex GF's) sister and I think this might be almost textbook BPD encouragement on her sister's part because her sister told me that if I don't shape up and change and if I hurt her again,that I would lose her,and for good this time,and I wonder if this is kind of a warning by her that if I even try to not give in,that my GF will "Split me black" on a more permanent basis then.

[Downtown]

Her sister told me that if I don't shape up and change and if I hurt her again,that I would lose her,and for good this time.

Sounds like good news to me, Niceguy. Will the sister put it in writing, LOL?

[niceguy31]

Sounds like good news to me, Niceguy. Will the sister put it in writing, LOL?

 

LOL I don't know downtown,but I do wonder if that could just be another "threat" to maybe this time split me black for a longer period of time,maybe indefinatley.

 

I'd still be concerned about those suicide threats from my borderline even if she were to initiate the breakup,cause she has made threats before and I admit that they have me so scared that I walk right back into things,but the big problem is I just don't know for sure if she is bluffing the threats or if she would really do it,and I don't have the advantage you had with yours. I don't live close enough to her to be able to check up on her like you did,and having never met this girl. I would not be able to give the police a address of residence for her.

[Downtown]

I would not be able to give the police a address of residence for her.

Why don't you simply ask her to tell you her address?

[niceguy31]

Why don't you simply ask her to tell you her address?

 

I may not need to,this might go a lot easier than projected!

 

We just had another fight,I went out to do errands today and doing so triggered the Split me black side of her again,and she made another false accusation of me cheating.

 

This time,I did not let her try to make me feel guilty for it. I told her that she is the one that hurt me with her accusation,period,end of story.

 

When that did not work and she started saying that I never will change,I told her I'm not going to be the one to apologize this time cause she is the one that hurt me with her accusation.

 

I continued to just sound like a robot and put the responsibility back on her,and she just kept up the hurtful remarks and accusations each time.

 

And now she is the one wanting to seperate from me and dump me,all because I don't give in to her and make this my responsibility and be the one to apologize for her accusations that are not my fault.

 

So this might be easier than I thought cause she seems to want to do the hard work for me here.

[Downtown]

Niceguy, she almost certainly will return. And, when she does, she will turn on the charm and love bombing -- trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship. Indeed, the suction will be so powerful that we "Nons" refer to it as "Hoovering" -- naming it after the popular vacuum cleaner. I therefore suggest you go full NC and resist the temptation to respond to her messages.

[niceguy31]

Niceguy, she almost certainly will return. And, when she does, she will turn on the charm and love bombing -- trying to suck you back into the toxic relationship. Indeed, the suction will be so powerful that we "Nons" refer to it as "Hoovering" -- naming it after the popular vacuum cleaner. I therefore suggest you go full NC and resist the temptation to respond to her messages.

 

Agreed! she is already to this method now after I called a suicide threat as well as a couple of other threats to have her family sue me if she kills herself,and to have a friend of her's thats a PI look me up and find me,and I told her if any of those things happen I will call the cops or counter sue,and that I will have my family protect me every way possible.

 

Now I have every reason to walk away. I don't feel safe anymore.

[niceguy31]

It is finished Downtown, NC started just a few minutes ago.

 

She way overplayed her anger side with her threats to where there was no hope for her "hoovering" technique. No matter what she said after those threats there was no way I could ever take her back because she made me feel unsafe.

 

Part of me still can't believe it is over.