I called my girlfriend a s*ut, do I have a chance to be forgiven?

[Kate9292]

So stop excusing yourself and get real.

 

Have you forgiven her or not?

 

Can you just be with her and love her regardless of what she did in France without bringing it up everytime you have an argument to belittle her?

 

Can you accept that she (most likely) has had sexual past before you without need to insult her?

 

If answer to either is no, leave her alone.

[Algon]

I am gonna cry.

[Algon]

But when you open by saying you called her a slut, most women will read that and continue to view you with an angry lens.

 

Btw, how good does a pussy have to be to forgive her for cheating?

 

No pussy is that good.

 

Yes, I did notice that most people who excuse the fact she had this 'list' she didn't even tell me about and pretended being an 'innocent pure girl' ( btw. she did complain about being called a slut previously in her life, but I believed that it was merely because others were jealous of her as she is the type that, well, always gets attention.

 

And not because of acting horny and 'available', but it is indeed something in her personality what attracts people of all kinds. It's kindness and loveliness, ambitions, ability to really help people and listen to their problems, keep secrets. etc.

I really don't know what to think now. It feels like I 'have' two people in her: one defined by how she acts and what she says to be her opinions, and the other one that conceals her 'dark' past.

 

But you yourself sound like you have been hurt, if you are asking 'which "pussy" is that good?'. I don't know. Her, probably.

[Kate9292]

Yes, I did notice that most people who excuse the fact she had this 'list' she didn't even tell me about and pretended being an 'innocent pure girl' ( btw. she did complain about being called a slut previously in her life, but I believed that it was merely because others were jealous of her as she is the type that, well, always gets attention.

 

And not because of acting horny and 'available', but it is indeed something in her personality what attracts people of all kinds. It's kindness and loveliness, ambitions, ability to really help people and listen to their problems, keep secrets. etc.

I really don't know what to think now. It feels like I 'have' two people in her: one defined by how she acts and what she says to be her opinions, and the other one that conceals her 'dark' past.

 

But you yourself sound like you have been hurt, if you are asking 'which "pussy" is that good?'. I don't know. Her, probably.

 

She only pretended because she liked you and sensed you were this judgemental (and aren't you?). So she knew she couldn't be honest with you but still wanted to be with you. And your judgementality could drive her to cheating if this other guy had none of it. So he was a breath of fresh air so to speak.

 

Ohhhh people are giving you a hard time because you initially told people that you called her a slut, and only later explained that you once forgave her for cheating.

 

It doesn't matter if she cheated, especially that he was supposed to forgive her, calling her "slut" was still wrong.

[Algon]

Clearly youre not going to talk about girls you boned in front of your gf and guy friends.

 

She's my first one. This is probably why people on here ( and also my friends, including girl-friends ) tell me that I am so naive and 'clueless' to believe that people I am with have no secret history they won't share even with me.

 

Probably, this is something what is simply common in today's world. But it feels like I would associate with her culture of origin more than she does. It feels like I desire this purity and honesty in my world, while she 'rebels' against it.

[Algon]

She only pretended because she liked you and sensed you were this judgemental (and aren't you?). And your judgementality could drive her to cheating if this other guy had none of it. So he was a breath of fresh air so to speak.

 

Yes, I am very judgemental person and I must admit that it often shocks other people, that this is the way I am.

But there is a difference between being judgemental when it's something what doesn't matter and when it's basically betrayal and lack of self-control. This is merely something I could never accept, I never understood 'one-night stands', it feels extremely disgusting to me.

 

Well, she began the speech about the France affair by telling that I have to promise I won't judge her in advance. I said it depended on what she was going to say, and prepared for the worst.

She said she went to HIV tests and then happily exclaimed it was negative, which gave me relief, and I was laughing that she thought it would be something I would be upset about - it's healthcare, and everyone should care about their health.

 

But then: "And why would you even think you'd have it?"

And then she told me.

 

Yes, you're probably right. But would you say that a guy who cheats on his girlfriend, if he was, let's say, your boyfriend, would be a breath of freash air? And you would say: "It's ok, she needed a breath of freash air, so it's okay."

 

Would forgive or think of him as a 'guy sl*t'? It's easy to speak if you don't have personal experience. ( If you have and still say that, I admire you )

[InnocentMan]

It doesn't matter!

 

That YOU would think those things about any woman - much less communicate them - tells that you have a horrible attitude towards women in general.

 

A healthy, mature man would say calmly "I don't like/agree with your behavior and I don't wish to be with you because of that behavior".

But you didn't.

 

And you typed - do I HAVE to change?

 

No - you don't HAVE to change - just stay far away from women though!

Lolwut? I doubt any man has ever said that in the history of being cheated on. He has a right to be angry if she has cheated. He also has a right to call her whatever he wants. The same way his gf has the right to be upset about it.

 

What he called her is a perfectly normal, healthy reaction.

[Algon]

 

And its not that i have been hurt, i just cant contemplate how a man can forgive a woman for cheating unless its because you want to continue to have sex with her. The emotional connection must have already been destroyed.

 

Yeah, I would think this to myself, too, just some weeks ago. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You hurt me once, you crossed the borderline, and I won't believe you.

 

In my case, it's feeling of disgust by being with her physically ( for now ), but it's the emotional connection that just won't disappear. Honestly, I've been interested in many girls in my life. Many times not seriously, I just wanted a girlfriend like 'everyone' had, I simply felt 'falling behind' other guys.

 

Then I told myself that love is not a competition and it's not time what really matters but quality and real connection. I felt that we should be together since the first time I've met her. And it wasn't a sexual attraction, but personal.

[Kate9292]

Look, I'm not saying she did good by cheating on you.

 

I'm saying she knew you were judgemental. And she obviously has some past and is not as pure and innocent as you thought. I'm saying all this pretending to be pure and innocent to avoid your judgement and fear of how would you lash out if truth came out sounds very exhausting. I don't know this other guy. I don't know what he said to her and how he treated her. But if she sensed he was not as judgemental as you, she would probably feel like it was breath of fresh air and a getaway from judgement and fear of lashing out. And you proved that it was not unfounded fear.

 

Point is. She has a past you don't accept. I'm not saying you have to change way you look at this past, but if you don't, this is clearly not girl for you. You should look for less experienced girls like yourself. What's the point of being with someone if you just can't love them for who they are and lash out at them for choices they made even before they met you?

 

Regardless, you still owe her an apology for insulting her.

 

And I had sort of similar issue with my second bf. It was not about past though, more about my party lifestyle in general. I felt judged by him and it didn't make me feel good. I honestly felt like I wanted to get away from him. He was also a *** hypocrite, since he met me at a party himself.

[Algon]

Regardless, you still owe her an apology for insulting her.

 

Yes, I know. I will do it, and hope she will understand me. Problem is that when you're telling someone 'I don't like your behavior' is that you're saying what you're saying: You don't like what the person did, not that they're bad people.

 

But when you call someone a name like that, it implies that the person is fundamentally bad, and there is no way that they could be any different. While the first option describes dissatisfaction, the second one depicts a fundamentally twisted personality.

 

I hope she is insulted by the word itself, and not by its implication. Because the implication is something not to ever be forgiven.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Algon
*Not to be ever => Not to ever be, misspelling

[Janesays]

Lolwut? I doubt any man has ever said that in the history of being cheated on. He has a right to be angry if she has cheated. He also has a right to call her whatever he wants. The same way his gf has the right to be upset about it.

 

What he called her is a perfectly normal, healthy reaction.

 

If said in the heat of the moment, it still wouldn't be the RIGHT things to say (And I've been cheated on, so I know the ropes), but I'd probably give it a pass because emotions are running high upon first discovery.

 

But this isn't how it went down. He FORGAVE her. They were supposed to be PAST this thing. And then, WHILE HER FRIEND WATCHED, he suddenly explodes. Not acceptable. Not even a little.

 

That's a serious level of disrespect. As I said, I wouldn't tolerate it. Then again, I wouldn't have tolerated her cheating either. Generally, when I'm not being treated well, I LEAVE. I don't stick around and lower myself by rolling around in the mud with them.

[Algon]

He FORGAVE her. They were supposed to be PAST this thing. And then, WHILE HER FRIEND WATCHED, he suddenly explodes. Not acceptable. Not even a little.

 

I did not explode, I said it in a very calm tone, actually. That's what made it even worse, because it sounded as a coldly calculated response.

[Janesays]

I did not explode, I said it in a very calm tone, actually. That's what made it even worse, because it sounded as a coldly calculated response.

 

What you said was a nasty explosion. I dont care if you sung it to the tune of 'Mary had a little lamb.' It was what it was. I suggest you man up to what you did and quit trying to make excuses for yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

I did actually forgave her, at least I believed I did. But it was about concealed information which added to it. But now I am just excusing myself, most likely.

 

The anger from being cheated on hits at odd times and in odd ways.

 

I get that it was totally wrong to call her out publicly like that. But I also get that having been cheated on makes you feel like everytime she goes to the restroom if feels like she might be meeting someone there.

 

You aren't married, you don't have kids. I personally vote that you send her to dumpsville.

 

This incident was a sign that you can't handle what's she's done to you (nor should you!). The relationship has been toxified by her actions first but its obvious that you are going to react to that toxicity. There are other women out there that won't cheat like she did.

[Algon]

What you said was a nasty explosion. I dont care if you sung it to the tune of 'Mary had a little lamb.' It was what it was. I suggest you man up to what you did and quit trying to make excuses for yourself.

 

This was not an excuse. I know what I did, I wouldn't write it on here otherwise. I just said that it sounded more hurtful because of the tone I said it in, not that it wasn't an emotional explosion. It was, but more like underwater.

[Algon]

It does matter that she cheated. Cheating = sl*t. He has every right to say that, in that case.

 

That's exactly what I thought, but when overthink it, it's just the first time EVER in my life I've used this word.

Bascially, her friend told me 'you just don't say this to a girl'. Yes, it is insulting, but every word has a meaning, so why on Earth should you just cover the nature of it in something else?

It feels like some kind of 'insurance', a girl can do anything but you just DON'T call her by the word describing her behavior.

 

If someone says I have 'major issues', I am just playing with theories now. Why should you tabuize certain words?

[Algon]

This thread is a perfect example of how women excuse each other's behaviors.

 

If the guy cheated and the girlfriend said these things, every woman here would support it.

 

LOL talk about double standards.

 

Haha, I was writing exactly the same thing when you wrote it.

[Algon]

Lol. I like how you came here originally to see if forgiveness was in the cards for you, just to turn around and pull the "Nevermind she's a slut" card again the moment some (seemingly) angry misogynist pops in and tells you you're right.

 

Actually, this is a thought which I didn't come with now, I just thought about it in the moment when her friend told me that 'you never tell this to a girl'.

 

Have you considered just splitting and going on that quest to find your spotless white flower?

 

Yes, but I find it hard at this moment.

[Algon]

Boy, well I'd say snap to it. Clearly you don't care for her much, and she admittedly made enough of a mistake to cause an irreparable rift in the relationship. Why drag it out? There are some women out there you can see as plastic wrapped and new, and plenty of men out there who won't see her as used goods.

 

Yes. I just have to deal with it, and should have thought before talking. What causes fear for me is that this proved I lack control over myself. I am scared of doing something like this again if something like that happens. With another person, but the same story...

[Eggplant]

Okay, I will tell you full context of this.

She was in France on holidays. When she came, she was happy but also sounded upset at the same time.

I was digging into it, and then she admitted she's slept with someone there, some guy she got to know through Facebook. Then she could cry her eyes out, say that 'everyone does stupid things at some point in their life' etc., and I forgave.

 

I linked 'the list' to this.

 

So you forgave her, but as you now see, the trust was permanently broken when she cheated. Similarly, the damage done is permanent from your excruciating words. You two can try all you want, but you will always fear pain and betrayal from each other. Better start over with somebody else.

[Algon]

In terms of women, it's a bigger insult because women are still under lots of social stigma.That's an unending discussion so I'm not getting into it, but I guess my point is that for a woman to have her boyfriend call her a slut, it hits a lot harder.

 

I agree. Girls generally call the ones who are a competition to them, if they're shallow in personality, sluts. Among girls, it's something what is forgiven and not really paid attention to, but it should in no way happen among friends. And boyfriend is, as you can see, a completely different story.

 

It's a betrayal of trust.

 

As for social stigma, an old saying says: A right man always has to try, and a right woman should always try to resist.

[Toddbt12y1]

I will admit. I was cheated on and o blew up and called her a slut, and etc. After finding out. I felt bad for doing so. However, I never apologized. Why?

 

She was heartless in her approach and there where no signs of forgiveness in her. Nor she was sorry over the event. We parted ways anyway, and I haven't bothered to contact her.

 

Howbeit, if you forgive someone, strides should be made to work past silly anger and emotions...thus, burying any further ill-will.

 

It's best you just break it all off. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. She was wrong to cheat, and you are wrong in doing this after forgiving her.

 

Emotions are too high. You haven't truly forgiven her...

[Algon]

If you'd like to date such a fine human being as OP's girlfriend, have at it. All you man. I'm sure you'll be extremely happy when your goddess cheats on you too.

 

I still believe words I used were too strong, but yes, that's what I think too. But I'll apologize anyway.

[Kate9292]

I still believe words I used were too strong, but yes, that's what I think too. But I'll apologize anyway.

 

Good.

 

Don't apologize to take her back (it is already settled you don't want her back, right? And if she has any self-respect, she won't want to either way), just as a basic human decency thing.

[JokerManDan]

I don't think it is "unforgiveable" but than again I'm not her let alone a woman. I think if you are at least genuine and if you truly do feel sorry for what you said than I don't know she "might" forgive you.

 

I have an intense fear of rejection. and most of my problem stems from me not willing to give getting rejected a try. You won't know if she is going to accept your apology unless you try to apologize. Good luck man!