Algon Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 We were sitting in a cozy place with my and her friends. "I have a problem at home", she told me. "What problem, honey?" "Well, my parents, they don't know that I have a boyfriend. And a love life." "Oh gosh. But you're 20 already, how can they wonder about you having your love life? And anyway, they've seen us together when we didn't go out yet and were just a friends, and you told me you never told them about your previous boyfriend, so how did they find out?" "Yes, I have you. But it doesn't matter to them, in our culture it's unacceptable to have a 'boyfriend'. You only have a husband, or you are a virgin. These are the only two options, no 'going-out'. And they found my... 'list'". "Haha, why are you writing a list in your language when you know that your parents don't speak [my country's language]. If they found it, you could've just pretended it's a list of gyus for school project or whatever." Seconds later, I came to realization. "Wait, WHAT LIST?!" She blushed. "The list... of my... boyfriends." Before, I believed I knew everything about her, as she knew everything about me. I was convinced that she's a clean, innocent soul and she always acted like that. She was only telling me she had one boyfriend before me and she's been with him for three years. That's all. Her friend interfered: "Don't worry. I had lists like that as well. Well, now I have nothing to put in as items, since I am happily engaged. But before... That was a lot of adventure.", she giggled. I flipped out:"God... I am just irritated by all these sluts over there! One just DOESN'T find a girl who is not an used-up w*ores like those prostitutes standing along E32." ( a highway famous for a prostitute every several kms, a road around which all the drug dealing and dirt in my country is concentrated, and telling someone 'you are a girl from 32' is a hell of an insult. I just saw that she is in disbelief, and everyone else feeling visibly awkward. "Don't judge a book by its cover... especially when you don't have a full information." I added oil to the fire:"Yeah... But now I am re-assessing the cover design according to the book it contains. And I read a part of it and don't feel like I want to read more." Then she just left without a single word. Seconds later, I understood that this fury was probably undeserved for her. And that a 'slut' as I understand it now means a person who is fundamentally wrong, which is no one. God, I regret it so much. But I am afraid of coming up to her and apologizing, that she will not believe me I am genuine. And the trust will never be restored because... well, she won't be able to tell me everything when she knows that I am so judgemental. I merely believed that I know her history as she knows mine ( I have none - she's my first. She told me she only had one boyfriend - but the truth is different, and if she needs a list... who knows the real number? ) Facebook is probably the last thing one thinks of in their life, and you only demonstratively delete people when you want to show them you don't want to have anything in common with them in reality as well. She didn't delete me. Do I still have a chance to be forgiven? Would you ever forgive such an idiot? Or is it lost? Already five days have gone by, and I still don't have courage to come to her. I am a coward? Probably. But I am just scared of rejection, that all my apologies will be torn into shred.
CherryT Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) You only have a chance to be forgiving if you genuinely apologize. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who know they did something wrong and hope it'll just blow over. Own what you did and that's the best way to get forgiveness. You called her a whore and a slut and you made a comparison of her being a prostitute on a notoriously seedy strip. I would understand why she would not trust YOU. Plus, do you even know the full context of her 'list'. Could it be with guys she's had crushes on? Not actual boyfriends? Was it just some stupid banter between her and her girlfriend, but you just didn't know and jumped to conclusions? If she was in a relationship with someone for 3 years, how could the list be of other serious boyfriends? She's only 20. From what you've written, it looks like there's more to the story and you don't know the real truth. As teenagers, girls always banter about guys they have crushes on. Or whom they've held hands with or even kissed. But you didn't give her a chance to explain and instead you publicly insulted her. You can be afraid of rejection and not apologize for your outburst and surely she won't come back. Why would she want to come back to someone who verbally abused her and called her names in front of other people? Edited November 8, 2013 by CherryT 6
pteromom Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Cherry already said everything I was going to say. Who knows what her "list" referred to or how many guys were on it. Yet you jumped to a conclusion and embarrassed her in front of her friend. You need to go back to her and apologize sincerely. Tell her that you were wrong to freak out like that. She may forgive you or she may not. Then - if she does - have a CALM discussion about this "list". If it turns out the list is 20 guys she's slept with, you can decide whether or not you guys have compatible values. 2
Janesays Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'd never speak to you again. That kind of disrespect is not tolerated by me. 8
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 You should be afraid of rejection. 'Cause if I were in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd tell you to take your apology and stick it where the sun don't shine. 1
2sunny Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 We were sitting in a cozy place with my and her friends. "I have a problem at home", she told me. "What problem, honey?" "Well, my parents, they don't know that I have a boyfriend. And a love life." "Oh gosh. But you're 20 already, how can they wonder about you having your love life? And anyway, they've seen us together when we didn't go out yet and were just a friends, and you told me you never told them about your previous boyfriend, so how did they find out?" "Yes, I have you. But it doesn't matter to them, in our culture it's unacceptable to have a 'boyfriend'. You only have a husband, or you are a virgin. These are the only two options, no 'going-out'. And they found my... 'list'". "Haha, why are you writing a list in your language when you know that your parents don't speak [my country's language]. If they found it, you could've just pretended it's a list of gyus for school project or whatever." Seconds later, I came to realization. "Wait, WHAT LIST?!" She blushed. "The list... of my... boyfriends." Before, I believed I knew everything about her, as she knew everything about me. I was convinced that she's a clean, innocent soul and she always acted like that. She was only telling me she had one boyfriend before me and she's been with him for three years. That's all. Her friend interfered: "Don't worry. I had lists like that as well. Well, now I have nothing to put in as items, since I am happily engaged. But before... That was a lot of adventure.", she giggled. I flipped out:"God... I am just irritated by all these sluts over there! One just DOESN'T find a girl who is not an used-up w*ores like those prostitutes standing along E32." ( a highway famous for a prostitute every several kms, a road around which all the drug dealing and dirt in my country is concentrated, and telling someone 'you are a girl from 32' is a hell of an insult. I just saw that she is in disbelief, and everyone else feeling visibly awkward. "Don't judge a book by its cover... especially when you don't have a full information." I added oil to the fire:"Yeah... But now I am re-assessing the cover design according to the book it contains. And I read a part of it and don't feel like I want to read more." Then she just left without a single word. Seconds later, I understood that this fury was probably undeserved for her. And that a 'slut' as I understand it now means a person who is fundamentally wrong, which is no one. God, I regret it so much. But I am afraid of coming up to her and apologizing, that she will not believe me I am genuine. And the trust will never be restored because... well, she won't be able to tell me everything when she knows that I am so judgemental. I merely believed that I know her history as she knows mine ( I have none - she's my first. She told me she only had one boyfriend - but the truth is different, and if she needs a list... who knows the real number? ) Facebook is probably the last thing one thinks of in their life, and you only demonstratively delete people when you want to show them you don't want to have anything in common with them in reality as well. She didn't delete me. Do I still have a chance to be forgiven? Would you ever forgive such an idiot? Or is it lost? Already five days have gone by, and I still don't have courage to come to her. I am a coward? Probably. But I am just scared of rejection, that all my apologies will be torn into shred. What you said tells everything about you, your attitude, your mindset. It paints any woman in a negative light! I'm left wondering why you have such negative feelings toward women? I think she is smart to never speak to you again. Work on your anger and resentments regarding women. 4
runningfar Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Some women would. There's only one way to find out. I doubt I could because the underlying attitude, not the words itself.... but some would. Not if you don't sincerely apologize though. And even if she doesn't forgive you, she deserves an apology and maybe she won't think so lowly of you in hindsight at least.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Nope, in my world, you'd be gone so fast your head would spin. Grow up. 2
Shepp Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So your happy to blow up at your gf, but scared of putting yourself out there to apologise....sounding like a hell of a catch here mate! You want the girl back? Man up and go get on your knees lad. 3
Phantom888 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 as stated, the list could be anything. Could be a list of boys she went on 1st date with. Could be a list of boys she secretly crushes on. Doesn't mean it's a list of boyfriends or sex partners. I mean, in her culture, holding hands may be a big deal. So that list could very well be benign and innocent. I don't think you quite get her. You want a clean innocent virgin and she might not be as innocent as you imagined. Maybe this is not a good match. Let her go.
jba10582 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 don't call her a slut in that context especially not with her friends around. only time you can call her slut if she is really horny, you and her are alone, and she's already into it. 1
Quiet Storm Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So your happy to blow up at your gf, but scared of putting yourself out there to apologise....sounding like a hell of a catch here mate! You want the girl back? Man up and go get on your knees lad. Hey...I can hear your accent in that post OP I think you need to beg. And be introspective- why do you think you reacted like that? 2
Kate9292 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) That's why I don't keep list of my partners anywhere else than in my head. And I don't share it with anyone, not even my current bf. And I had my share of fun too. But I'm sure he wouldn't have reacted like you should he find out If you really want pure, innocent girl, good luck with that. Maybe go for very religious ones... Why bother? She is "used up" and "damaged goods", as you have said in the OP. Her girly part will never be the same as it was, you can drive a truck through there now.I hope this was sarcasm... Edited November 8, 2013 by Kate9292
Shepp Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Hey...I can hear your accent in that post Hahah you can?
ponchsox Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Calling your current gf a slut is unacceptable. Calling your ex gf a slut is a different story. 1
InnocentMan Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 She does sound a little slutty to be fair. Who on earth makes a list of people that they have been with? It's like it's too long to store in their little brains. I wouldn't apologise, I would go get checked for std's. 1
Eggplant Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 To call what you did disrespectful would be a hilarious understatement. You attacked and abused her in a way that is never to be done to anybody. You may as well have just slugged her. It probably would have hurt less. No, you will never recover -- she will never feel safe again. She knows you're capable of impulsively verbally pulverizing her, whom you're supposed to protect and be sensitive to. It's impossible to feel intimate and open up ever again. 3
Author Algon Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Okay, I will tell you full context of this. She was in France on holidays. When she came, she was happy but also sounded upset at the same time. I was digging into it, and then she admitted she's slept with someone there, some guy she got to know through Facebook. Then she could cry her eyes out, say that 'everyone does stupid things at some point in their life' etc., and I forgave. I linked 'the list' to this.
2sunny Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Okay, I will tell you full context of this. She was in France on holidays. When she came, she was happy but also sounded upset at the same time. I was digging into it, and then she admitted she's slept with someone there, some guy she got to know through Facebook. Then she could cry her eyes out, say that 'everyone does stupid things at some point in their life' etc., and I forgave. I linked 'the list' to this. It doesn't matter! That YOU would think those things about any woman - much less communicate them - tells that you have a horrible attitude towards women in general. A healthy, mature man would say calmly "I don't like/agree with your behavior and I don't wish to be with you because of that behavior". But you didn't. And you typed - do I HAVE to change? No - you don't HAVE to change - just stay far away from women though! 1
Janesays Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Okay, I will tell you full context of this. She was in France on holidays. When she came, she was happy but also sounded upset at the same time. I was digging into it, and then she admitted she's slept with someone there, some guy she got to know through Facebook. Then she could cry her eyes out, say that 'everyone does stupid things at some point in their life' etc., and I forgave. I linked 'the list' to this. Oh, in that case, it is totally acceptable to treat her like garbage! No. I'm being sarcastic. If a woman cheats on you, you are well within your rights to dump her. Kick her to the curb. Show no mercy! But you don't get to pretend to forgive her only to then emotionally degrade her in front of other people whenever it strikes your fancy. Her bad behaviour doesn't excuse your bad behaviour. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Just break up, this will only end in disaster. 2
Author Algon Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 But you don't get to pretend to forgive her only to then emotionally degrade her in front of other people whenever it strikes your fancy. Her bad behaviour doesn't excuse your bad behaviour. I did actually forgave her, at least I believed I did. But it was about concealed information which added to it. But now I am just excusing myself, most likely.
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