InBloom Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) Our 4 year old tends to like me better than Wife. I know all kids kind of go through it but ours tends to be rude and say rude things to Wife when she hasn't done anything. We're working through "Terrible 4's" right now, trying to get our child to mind and be respectful and refrain from being/talking rude to us when we ask to clean up little messes or put on clothes so we can leave the house, etc. I get the rudeness too but my Wife gets it the most, maybe because she's with Jr. more than I am since I have to work. "I don't like you", "You're not a nice Mommy", "I don't want to play with you Mommy ever again" stuff like that and will ignore her and not give her hugs but will give ME hugs; even will wake up like that and totally rush by my Wife to Hug me only. My Wife has done nothing mean and is super attentive and super loving and I see it breaks her down and makes her sad. I know there's nothing bad my Wife is doing on her part. Anyway know how to handle this? Edited November 8, 2013 by InBloom
pteromom Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 When your son says "I hate you, Mommy", give him the words for what he really means. "You don't hate Mommy. Here's what hate means - that you dislike someone so much, you never want to see them again. What you mean is that you are angry because she is asking you to _______. And it's ok to be angry. But it's not ok to hurt Mommy's feelings." BTW - the "I hate you" thing will pass soon if you do this. You also need to step it up in the parenting so you are splitting discipline with your wife. She can't be the bad guy while you get to be lap-sitting guy. Even going as far as her doing the old "wait until your father gets home" thing and letting YOU handle consequences. He has to see you as a united front. 5
Author InBloom Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks Pteromom - I do hope it's a phase. It totally floors me that he can be so insensitive and mean to Wife and totally ignore her. She really does go above and beyond on taking care of and loving him. W He really doesn't like to say I Love You back to her when she says it. Every now and then if he's in a good mood, he will and is affectionate to her. But other times, aloof. There's no good reason for it other than maybe he's spoiled? and doesn't appreciate what he has yet? Because he's an Angel in school, listens really well, isn't rude to anyone else but us, haha. I want to try that 'Wait until your Father gets home' thing. I do definitely get on him pretty good if he acts up or does something disrepectful to Wife and I; but I don't want her to have to be the one "On Him" all the time and we definitely need to be "On Him" a lot lately
pteromom Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Thanks Pteromom - I do hope it's a phase. It totally floors me that he can be so insensitive and mean to Wife and totally ignore her. She really does go above and beyond on taking care of and loving him. W The other thing is she absolutely has to say calm and stone-faced when he does it. She has to keep in mind that your son is still learning to express himself, and that he doesn't understand what he's saying. But if she starts crying every time he acts like that, he will learn to do it on purpose to derail his discipline and gain control. He really doesn't like to say I Love You back to her when she says it. Every now and then if he's in a good mood, he will and is affectionate to her. But other times, aloof. There's no good reason for it other than maybe he's spoiled? and doesn't appreciate what he has yet? Because he's an Angel in school, listens really well, isn't rude to anyone else but us, haha. This is normal too. Kids are inherently self-centered, and haven't yet learned how good it feels to just say "I love you" to someone and see them light up. She just needs to keep MODELING the behavior, and trust me - he'll get it. I want to try that 'Wait until your Father gets home' thing. I do definitely get on him pretty good if he acts up or does something disrepectful to Wife and I; but I don't want her to have to be the one "On Him" all the time and we definitely need to be "On Him" a lot lately Just keep making sure you catch him being good, and really make a big deal out of good behavior. It should be very rewarding for him to be kind, thoughtful, helpful, etc. If he gets more attention by being bad, even negative attention, he will keep doing what brings attention. Maybe make a chart with expected behaviors and chores on it, and give him stickers every day when he completes each item. Like "speaking politely" could be one of the things (and you have to set out clear expectations of what that means), cleaning up after himself, brushing teeth, etc. The chore part of the list should be things that are VERY simple for him, so that he can see the stickers adding up and be more motivated to complete the behavioral items on the list (which is really what you care about - not the chores.)
xxoo Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 "I love Mommy enough for both of us :)" I used to say that to my kids when they were going through the "I hate you!" stage: "I love you enough for both of us." It passes. Model the behavior you want. 3
Silly_Girl Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I quite like the response 'well that's a shame isn't it? Because I REALLY love you!'. With hug. Remove all impact and move on. It becomes tedious for them if it's clear no one cares a fig about their lash-out claims 2
Silly_Girl Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Thanks Pteromom - I do hope it's a phase. It totally floors me that he can be so insensitive and mean to Wife and totally ignore her. She really does go above and beyond on taking care of and loving him. W He really doesn't like to say I Love You back to her when she says it. Every now and then if he's in a good mood, he will and is affectionate to her. But other times, aloof. There's no good reason for it other than maybe he's spoiled? and doesn't appreciate what he has yet? Because he's an Angel in school, listens really well, isn't rude to anyone else but us, haha. I want to try that 'Wait until your Father gets home' thing. I do definitely get on him pretty good if he acts up or does something disrepectful to Wife and I; but I don't want her to have to be the one "On Him" all the time and we definitely need to be "On Him" a lot lately I'm heavily against the 'wait until [other parent] is home'. Using the co-parent as a 'threat' or punishment. And indicating the parent who is present is incapable of dealing with what's going on right now, and is simply care-taking until the important parent returns
lollipopspot Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 He really doesn't like to say I Love You back to her when she says it. Every now and then if he's in a good mood, he will and is affectionate to her. But other times, aloof. There's no good reason for it other than maybe he's spoiled? and doesn't appreciate what he has yet? Unfortunately I see and hear about plenty of guys like this on LS. At least your little guy is a toddler and maybe you can train it out of him... (kidding)
Nyla Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Our 4 year old tends to like me better than Wife. I know all kids kind of go through it but ours tends to be rude and say rude things to Wife when she hasn't done anything. We're working through "Terrible 4's" right now, trying to get our child to mind and be respectful and refrain from being/talking rude to us when we ask to clean up little messes or put on clothes so we can leave the house, etc. I get the rudeness too but my Wife gets it the most, maybe because she's with Jr. more than I am since I have to work. "I don't like you", "You're not a nice Mommy", "I don't want to play with you Mommy ever again" stuff like that and will ignore her and not give her hugs but will give ME hugs; even will wake up like that and totally rush by my Wife to Hug me only. My Wife has done nothing mean and is super attentive and super loving and I see it breaks her down and makes her sad. I know there's nothing bad my Wife is doing on her part. Anyway know how to handle this? I'm not a parent. I can only speak as an adult who always preferred my father much more. He is the loving parent who is never abusive. We have always had a special bond because I am the only daughter and I look just like him. In contrast, my mother was abusive and cruel to me. She also clearly favored my brothers. Not sure why your four year old has been allowed to be this disrespectful. That would not have been tolerated by my parents. Then again, my parents were ridiculously strict. I couldn't even cry if my mom's hurtful words wounded me because she would hit me for it.
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 It's a phase.. the only thing is that they go from one phase to another. My son's phases normally last a couple or few weeks and then onto something else. 1
turnera Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Thanks Pteromom - I do hope it's a phase. It totally floors me that he can be so insensitive and mean to Wife and totally ignore her. She really does go above and beyond on taking care of and loving him. THAT is the problem. She is being TOO loving and attentive. If he is rude to her, he should be receiving a consequence. Period. You may need to take her to a counselor to hear from an expert that being too easy on him is NOT good for him. And by the way, YOU need to be reprimanding him for doing this, too. In the meantime, read all you can about Authoritarian Parenting (not authoritative) and share the articles with her. She needs to learn that her job IS to give him consequences when he deserves them, that that IS part of raising a child. Better yet, start recording SuperNanny episodes and start watching them together.
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Sounds to me like a little less going overboard on the affection and spoiling, and a bit more on the consequences. He is only 4, but he needs to learn NOW, that he is not to be rude to people. My 8 yr old is starting to get mouthy and I am curbing that one as fast as I can. The other day, he told me to shut up and got a spanking for his trouble. I will not be disrespected by a child. You may not spank and that is your business. But do not tolerate this ****.
Mcle Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Little kids can be great manipulators. He may have figured out that treating your wife badly results in more attention and spoiling from her. This is really common if she s at all insecure about her parenting or his feelings about her. It's hard to believe 4 year olds will do this but they will if they can get away with it. Read up on this with your wife. It will really hurt both of them if it is allowed to continue.
tired girl Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 What mcle said. My middle child preferred my H from day one, still does as a matter of fact. Does that break my heart? No. I know he loves me, it is just that he gels with his dad. My sun did not rise and set and the opinion of my child and what he thought of me. He was a child. Now what he thinks of me now that he is an adult is a different matter. Tell her to reign it in, and quit going over board with this kid. My kid used to tell me I was the worst mom he had ever had on a weekly basis. He got over it. Now he tells me what a great job I did.
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