What I Did for Love and How I Ended Up Still Losing

[Dumper2Dumpee]

I am currently in a no contact situation and have found the posts on this forum especially helpful. But I am struggling and so I am posting to tell the story of how I got her, get some ideas as to what to do now that I am, and hopefully help others not make the same mistakes.

 

This all started 1 year and 8 months ago. I had long been in a very unsatisfying marriage in every respect. The one bright light was that my wife had become pregnant – this after two miscarriages and after we had basically given up. We rarely were having sex but as they say, all it takes is once. Then, I met someone. I fell hard for her. We were on a group adventure vacation where the same people are together for a week. She fell just as hard for me too. I wasn’t looking for anyone, given my circumstances. This just happened and it happened hard! Nothing physical happened between us, but we left that week with an intense emotional bond.

 

The catch is that I didn’t tell her my circumstances during that week – deceptive and an obvious mistake. Instead, I met up with her weeks later during a business trip and told her my situation. By this time, I had come home, told my wife that I could not be with her - that I wanted to be with someone else, that we could not be married. I started staying on other people’s couches and began planning to establish separate residences.

 

I figured that the women I met would send me packing when I told her the truth of me – unhappily married and about to be a father. But she did not. Despite the initial lies and deception, she pursued me strongly. By the time my child was born, we were in deep. I had given my wife divorce papers and was officially separated.

 

Through all this I never faltered on my commitment to fatherhood. I went with my wife to all her pre-birth check-ups. I was with her every minute of our daughter’s labor and I stayed with her for the weeks following the birth. I visited every day and once my daughter got old enough I would take her for an afternoon or day.

 

But at the same time I continued with the other woman (OW). We became physical. Through her insistence, she even came to visit for nearly a month just six weeks after the birth. At the time, I was torn – I wanted to tell her “no don’t come here yet”, but hell, I didn’t.

 

In short order, she had picked up and we moved in together. My divorce hearing was literally the day we moved in together. I remained torn – I wanted her but I didn’t want the complex situation that living with my new love while co-parenting an infant with a very angry, hurt, crushed (fill in the blank!) ex-wife would bring. But I didn’t stop it. And even though the situation was difficult, I fell deeper and deeper in love. I made the co-parenting work. As my daughter grew older she started spending nights with us. My girlfriend embraced her role as a “step-parent”. She accepted me as a father.

 

On the other hand, she began to struggle. She had to travel for work, not finding anything locally. To a degree, she was shunned in the small rural community we live in as the other woman (OW). She endured a handful of confrontations with my ex. And so after only a year, she found work elsewhere and left. She now lives 8 hours away.

 

Now for the reason I have finally entered no contact. When she got the new job, there was serious desire on both our parts to still make things work. But then while away for work, she “officially” broke up with me in late August (albeit via an email that very much left the door open for us to be together after some “time off. I fought it. We had emotionally wrenching phone conversations for days following that email. Her signals and communication were VERY mixed – hot and cold. So, I continued to chase and at times beg for our break-up not to happen. All the stuff you aren’t supposed to do.

 

I told her I wanted us to stay together long distance and work in time to be together in a different place and under different circumstances. After all, this is what I believed we should have done in the first place!! I made it clear that I would move where she is. It’s an urban area with more resources, more jobs and an area where my ex has considered moving because of these resources. So it could all work – I could still co-parent, my ex would have more opportunity and I could be with the one I love free from the magnifying glass of a small town.

 

She returned to initiate her move and we had long talks. She backed off her “taking a break” stand (we both agreed that was BS) and talked about truly parting ways. I told her I accepted things. Although deep down I didn’t. I don’t think she did either. In the weeks before the move we were loving and kind to one another and occasionally intimate. I helped her move. I held her in my arms when she would become scared about the future and would sob. When we parted following the move, she was an emotional wreck. I’ve visited her twice in the month since then. During the visits, she has been loving and acts like I am her boyfriend. I don’t think she has told her new co-workers (who I met when we were together), that we are done. Conversely, she has barely been in contact and emotionally distant when we have been apart. She’s expressed anger at my inability to let go.

 

And so I’ve tried to start no contact on two occasions since the break up. Both followed blow-ups on phone calls – her angry because my pain makes her feel guilty and me losing it because of my pain. Both times following those calls, she has initiated contact and both times I’ve eventually broke. The last occasion resulted in my last visit – I had resolved not to go unless she made contact and indeed she did. I can’t say that her attitude on the phone was bubbling with enthusiasm, but I still went. But by the time I got there, she was clearly happy to see me and we had a great few days together.

 

Then I came home. She stayed in touch for one day after – fully engaged, calling me and leaving messages, texting, etc. Then a week ago today she went silent. Our last communication was a benign text from me. She replied with a query, I answered and that has been it. At that point I resolved to truly enter no contact. It has been 7 days. And this time unlike the others, there have been no breadcrumbs. Maybe she has met someone. So, I’ve spent the last week trying to stay busy, being a Dad, exercising and voraciously reading the NC posts on this forum.

 

I am posting here for help on two fronts. I need support in maintaining no contact. The mixed signals have been maddening, confusing. It is a huge struggle, every moment I come up with dozens of reasons to reach out. And I need feedback on how I got here. When I wrote out my story I realize how crazy this all has been. I don’t want people to hold back. If you think I am a s**thead for what I did to my ex wife then say so. I now have full perspective on the pain I caused her. What comes around goes around. I dumped my 7-month pregnant wife for another and now I am dumped. Two failed relationships in a year. I live alone in my little house that is only brightened on the days my daughter stays here. The other good is that my ex-wife and I co-parent well – our daughter is happy and loved. Beyond that, I am left yearning for someone I believed was the love of my life. In fairness to myself, she pursued me like I was the love of her life. She endured the worse and just when things had a chance to get better, she gave up and left. Had we never met I might be still unhappily married. But at least I would see my daughter every day. I’m in a very bad place. That’s my story. Have at it, y’all.

[TylerDurdenn]

You're a dick for leaving your pregnant wife.

[headinthecloud]

Nothing alters the course of our life like a broken heart.

 

It sounds like too much happened between you and your ex-GF and she needed to move. The fact you left your wife for another person (GIGS) and it didn't workout is unfortunate, for both you and your ex-wife.

 

You said you were unhappy in your marriage - did you ever communicate that to your ex-wife at the time? If not, then you never gave your marriage a chance. The key here is that now you have created a situation where 3 hearts are broken: your ex-wife, your ex-GF, and your own. In essence, you have to start rebuilding your emotional foundation from ground zero. The guilt you carry from the BU of your marriage is also something you have to overcome, while mending a broken heart.

 

I would sugest seeing a counsellor to help design your path of healing. And I would just let the ex-GF go completely. Too much has happened there.

Edited November 8, 2013 by headinthecloud

[Dumper2Dumpee]

To be very clear - I tried for years in my marriage. The situation was ultimately toxic - I was subjected to emotional abuse and my wife was a miserable person. I know that I should have had the guts to end it and that I was weak to need meeting another to make it happen, especially during a pregnancy. Yeah, I made a mess. But I wanted to come out of all this with the love I thought I had found, but I lost that too.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Dumper2Dumpee

[lindsay1990]

Well, it takes two to tango a marriage into the ground.

 

What you are going through are just the consequences of your short-sightedness and selfishness in decision making. Yes, you have a right to be happy. If your marriage wasn't all it could be then according to your vows you should tried harder to make it work. And try isn't just sticking it out silently and wait to see if it gets better.

 

TBH, you deserve what you got. Maybe now you can realize that every action carries consequences and you can't just put your immediate pleasure first in life because it almost always ends poorly with the things that matter.

 

I don't know what your question is exactly but yes, you sound selfish, immature and more clueless than entitled and my advice would be to go get yourself in therapy, LAY OFF THE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE DATING and see why you made these decisions, and what possibly made you take the risk of leaving you family for a woman you hardly knew and ended up in this, because this whole seems to have happened like whirlwind and you should explore your impulsiveness and lack of plain watching out for yourself, forget your wife and daughter then, but it looks like you totally sabotaged yourself to get out of an unhappy situation and this is what you should look into.

 

You need to sort yourself out, pal.

Edited November 8, 2013 by lindsay1990

[strive]

If you think I am a s**thead for what I did to my ex wife then say so. I now have full perspective on the pain I caused her. What comes around goes around. I dumped my 7-month pregnant wife for another and now I am dumped.

 

Full? No, you have very little perspective of what your wife went through. You only lost a 'love' but she lost her 'love' and husband, the father of her child, a chance at being a whole family, and top that off with ridiculous hormones during pregnancy.

 

You can't even begin to imagine a quarter of what she went through.

[lindsay1990]

I said you hardly know this woman, fine. Let's say you just loved her at first sight then. But she wasn't on the same wave-length as you, clearly yet you put everything on the line and seem willing to uproot everything again for the sake of her accommodation. If you wanted away from your wife, cool, but you need to set your priorities straight: your mental and emotional stability, stability for your daughter, your ex's and your ability to provide for the child, etc.... ..... ...... ..... ..... then your love-life.

[Criticality]

You're a dick for leaving your pregnant wife.

 

Yes he sure is... How dares he leave his wife, when he could have pretended he still loves her, and live with her day by excruciating day.

 

And keeping up with his parental responsibilities, and try to be present in the child's life??! Outrageous!

 

And to add insult to injury, he dares having another girlfriend after the initial separation! Just like all the other separated posters on loveshack. While its just... It just...

 

A guy who tries to be as decent as possible in an overall tricky and ****ty situation.

 

That's what it is.

 

OP, I'm sorry for ya... You tried to do the right thing to everybody, and it didnt work out. That's how it goes sometimes.

 

Maybe you're hurting so much because you believe that you and her never had a real chance to work it out. If only circumstances were different you think, then you could have had a happy ending.

 

But they aren't. And maybe the real reason why she seemed like the love of your life was, that you were still in the honeymoon phase.

 

Who knows.

 

The only thing I do know, is that if you'll ever have another chance at love, wether with her or with someone else,mis to keep doing what you're doing. Take it day by day, work on yourself, see your daughter, and obviously: Keep no contact.

 

Good luck!

[Criticality]

Full? No, you have very little perspective of what your wife went through. You only lost a 'love' but she lost her 'love' and husband, the father of her child, a chance at being a whole family, and top that off with ridiculous hormones during pregnancy.

 

You can't even begin to imagine a quarter of what she went through.

 

Ehh, he also lost the mother of his child and a chance at being a whole family...

Besides the hormones, your reply comes across as mighty sexist.

 

Why do I have the feeling that if the situation was reversed, and it was OPs wife who left him, whether while pregnant or after the birth, and came here and posted a similar story, you'd be all encouraging, drying her tears and patting her back?

[strive]

Ehh, he also lost the mother of his child and a chance at being a whole family...

Besides the hormones, your reply comes across as mighty sexist.

 

Why do I have the feeling that if the situation was reversed, and it was OPs wife who left him, whether while pregnant or after the birth, and came here and posted a similar story, you'd be all encouraging, drying her tears and patting her back?

Because it was his choice to leave her. He had time to think about it, prepare for it and strengthen his resolve to go through it. The wife is most likely blindsided. During pregnancy. Something that men will never understand maybe. I'm surprised she didn't miscarry having a history of it.

 

Add to that emotional cheating.

 

If the roles were reversed, I'd ask the OP's wife "Then why the **** did you leave?"

[Dumper2Dumpee]

I knew I would get flamed for posting my entire story here. That's okay. But I must counter the notion that I was somehow a silent sufferer in my marriage. I actively expressed my discontent, I challenged the emotional abuse. We went to counseling - three different therapists. I went to counseling with my girlfriend as well. And I've sought counseling on my own through all this.

 

My ex-wife suffered a traumatic brain injury six years ago. The following year and a half I spent caring for her as a parent cares for a child, until she eventually recovered to an independent state. She came out the other side of this devastating injury as a very different person, full of anger and extreme emotion. Fortunately, motherhood has been a blessing for her. Despite my dragging her through the dirt, she is much happier than before and a great mother.

 

In addition to counseling, I reached out to family and friends but the feedback was largely to stick it out. Combined with how I was raised and my own personal ethics I stuck it out. I do not say this not to justify the actions I ultimately took, I say it because it is part of the story.

 

As much as I know how screwed up my ultimate choices were, I also know that I did everything I could to make my marriage work, to the point of not getting out when I should have and instead doing one of the s**ttiest things possible.

 

So why am I here? To hear the raw feedback on how I got here from anonymous people. Friends won't say stuff like this to your face. And because I fell in love after not feeling love for years. And because that love now has me in a place where I will only get hurt more if I break no contact.

[Mariposa10]

I knew I would get flamed for posting my entire story here. That's okay. But I must counter the notion that I was somehow a silent sufferer in my marriage. I actively expressed my discontent, I challenged the emotional abuse. We went to counseling - three different therapists. I went to counseling with my girlfriend as well. And I've sought counseling on my own through all this.

 

My ex-wife suffered a traumatic brain injury six years ago. The following year and a half I spent caring for her as a parent cares for a child, until she eventually recovered to an independent state. She came out the other side of this devastating injury as a very different person, full of anger and extreme emotion. Fortunately, motherhood has been a blessing for her. Despite my dragging her through the dirt, she is much happier than before and a great mother.

 

In addition to counseling, I reached out to family and friends but the feedback was largely to stick it out. Combined with how I was raised and my own personal ethics I stuck it out. I do not say this not to justify the actions I ultimately took, I say it because it is part of the story.

 

As much as I know how screwed up my ultimate choices were, I also know that I did everything I could to make my marriage work, to the point of not getting out when I should have and instead doing one of the s**ttiest things possible.

 

So why am I here? To hear the raw feedback on how I got here from anonymous people. Friends won't say stuff like this to your face. And because I fell in love after not feeling love for years. And because that love now has me in a place where I will only get hurt more if I break no contact.

 

 

Next time, LEAVE the relationship before you find someone else. You should've left your marriage long time ago for your own sake and your wife's.

 

Anyway, I think you relationship was doomed to fail because of how it started. I know that if I had been your ex girlfriend, first of all, I would've been super turned off by you lying maybe I wouldn't have talk to you anymore. But let's say that I forgave you for that, I think there will always be lack of trust, why? because of how it started... That's just me.

 

Right now, you just have to accept it, she's not your girlfriend anymore. She's your ex. Start healing. Who knows, you two might get a chance in the future (don't wait for it though). It's ok, to feel the way you're feeling. Things do get better. This will be a long ride, get ready for it.

[TylerDurdenn]

Yes he sure is... How dares he leave his wife, when he could have pretended he still loves her, and live with her day by excruciating day.

 

And keeping up with his parental responsibilities, and try to be present in the child's life??! Outrageous!

 

And to add insult to injury, he dares having another girlfriend after the initial separation! Just like all the other separated posters on loveshack. While its just... It just...

 

A guy who tries to be as decent as possible in an overall tricky and ****ty situation.

 

That's what it is.

 

OP, I'm sorry for ya... You tried to do the right thing to everybody, and it didnt work out. That's how it goes sometimes.

 

Maybe you're hurting so much because you believe that you and her never had a real chance to work it out. If only circumstances were different you think, then you could have had a happy ending.

 

But they aren't. And maybe the real reason why she seemed like the love of your life was, that you were still in the honeymoon phase.

 

Who knows.

 

The only thing I do know, is that if you'll ever have another chance at love, wether with her or with someone else,mis to keep doing what you're doing. Take it day by day, work on yourself, see your daughter, and obviously: Keep no contact.

 

Good luck!

 

He didn't have to get her pregnant though did he? He even mentioned that he wasn't happy!

 

Why is this world so ****ed up.

[inaya42]

your ex-gf likely felt burdened by all this. the relationship started as a lie. then you leave your wife while she is in her third trimester of her pregnancy. you divorce your wife, and now your ex is helping to take care of the child in your new home. she freed you to live the life you created for yourself, and she went off to find a life not burdened by your choices. if you love her, let her go find her bliss. your life and family are yours to deal with. (if i were her, i would have been so guilt-ridden taking care of your baby, terrified of when karma was gonna come eat me up.)