Bunny Boiler MM style.

[Confused48]

Deleted. . . .

Edited November 9, 2013 by Confused48

[2sure]

Deleted. . . .

You answered using the wrong user name

[aliveagain]

She hasn't lost you yet, your still together and your still giving her the power by letting the decision be hers, your allowing her to continue to eat cake. She won't know what she lost until she loose's it. It cost's very little to file a restraining order against him, the fact that he is still in the picture is a bigger problem, why is there still doubt, why are you not united on this issue? He would stop his pursuit if he knew he didn't have a chance.

[CantgetoveritNY]

[quote=drifter777;

This isn't about this guy stalking you/WW - seeing OM triggered the betrayal your wife perpetrated and you are reacting to that. In my opinion you have been in denial and not willing to face the emotional damage she has done to you. Even if you divorced it didn't mean anything because you have continued the same relationship without the government-issued paper.

 

Face it? No, I wallow in it. I'm trying to stop.

 

But yes about the relationship without government issued paper. Neither one of us ever thought the paper was important.

 

What you need to figure out is can you accept a wife/SO who had sex with another man after taking a vow to be faithful? Can you accept a forever-tarnished relationship? Trying to reconcile is so hard and painful that ...l

 

Ugh. This is so hard to hear. This is far more important than paper. Thanks for reminding me that this is the primary burden.

 

 

Your W cheated - yet she has the luxury of deciding if she still wants to be with you? Man, that's a crazy loosely goosey boundary you have for

 

Yes, she has the luxury of deciding if she want to be with me. But no, even if she decides that the answer is yes, my answer is unknown. First she decides yes or no. Then I will decide my own answer.

 

As you can see from what I say to Drifter, I do not know what that will be. Yet. Rember, I am the breadwinner and we are D. Already. Is that all that loosy goosey really? My fWW doesn't think so.

 

She hasn't lost you yet, your still together..... He would stop his pursuit if he knew he didn't have a chance.

 

He does think he has a chance. I'm glad. If I stay with this woman I want to know I'm her first choice. Not her soul mate. That's the stupid childish terminology that OM used to hoodwink WW. I want fWW to be tested now by OM and find that she prefers me. Not left with me by default. If OM were to just go away and find another victim, I'd be disappointed.

 

Come on OM, show me my fWW really wants me more than you. Pull out all your best tricks. If they don't work, then I will give WW a chance to see if I can overcome what Drifter pointed out as some pretty disgusting things to have to deal with. A tall order. But I'm wiling to try if fWW can help me.

[2sunny]

I think you need to decide for her - and allow her to see what the real world is like.

 

Allow her to juggle work, your children and budgeting the money she earns and see how she likes it.

 

You've spoiled her - then she cheats!!!????

 

Man, what a way to show she's grateful!

 

Make her earn HER OWN living - then see how she likes living in the world of making it all happen.

 

Meanwhile - you are divorced. You can hire a maid, a cook and date others. You can have quality time with your children without her interrupting it.

 

 

Step into it - see how YOU like it too! You may like it much more than you think!

 

She's had her chance to appreciate you- and all you provide = and she's ruined it! Who's to say she really doesn't think of you as her second choice at this point?

 

I tell you what - anyone I'm with needs to "think about IF they want to be with me?"...they are out within 10 minutes!

 

I'm worth way more than "thinking about it"! That's her slapping you in your face.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I tell you what - anyone I'm with needs to "think about IF they want to be with me?"...they are out within 10 minutes!

 

 

That is a good and powerful place to be. I'm happy for you that this is your position.

 

Me, I've been with her for 15 years. We have young children too.

 

We have huge problems as well. You know my problem with her. You don't know her side of things.

 

Neither of us has decided that we can work this out. Giving ourselves time to think about it seems prudent. Children and 15 years. Might cause you to consider giving it more thought than 10 minutes.

 

.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Interesting story and although I give you lots of credit for being level headed, I do worry if you are giving your ex wife too much power over you. Why do you need to know if she wants to be with you before you can decide if you want to be with her? Do you have your own timeline for your life or are you waiting on her? I am a BS in reconciliation but I have been 100 percent upfront in that I am not yet convinced I can fully reconcile and I have told my husband that he needs to look out for himself as well and make decisions independent of mine. That sounds kinda mixed up, but hopefully you got my point.

 

I think it's obviously to her that if we are D she needs to consider what that means. She knows it is significant. .

 

Your are right though that I've abdicated a lot of power to her. I love her deeply and if there is any way to work this out I want to. She knows that and it gives her power.

 

You are right. I am waiting on her. But if she decides it doesn't work for her then we can go our separate ways with out a custody and property battle. That is settled. It will be quick and easy if either she or I decide we can't make it work.

 

So why is it bad that I first want her to decide and then later I will decide if I accept her offer to return to me? if she does want to. I know I'm flawed and she may not return to me with good reason. If she does then I have to decide if I can live with what she did to us. I reserve my decision for after she gives me hers. Why do you see that as weakness?

 

 

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[tiredofitall2]

That is a good and powerful place to be. I'm happy for you that this is your position.

 

Me, I've been with her for 15 years. We have young children too.

 

We have huge problems as well. You know my problem with her. You don't know her side of things.

 

Neither of us has decided that we can work this out. Giving ourselves time to think about it seems prudent. Children and 15 years. Might cause you to consider giving it more thought than 10 minutes.

 

.

 

 

I think you're doing the right thing. I feel a not of people are so bitter about their own WS they are reflecting their anger and perhaps not giving the best advise.

 

It takes two to tango. Cheating is never condoned, but one must try to keep the family together at all costs. I have been on both sides. I know it is painful, but I think you are doing the right thing for the 15 yrs invested and for your young children.

[lollipopspot]

We have huge problems as well. You know my problem with her. You don't know her side of things.

 

You alluded to this before. What have you done that might make her unsure about being with you?

[CantgetoveritNY]

Not really a weakness, but I do worry about you as person. I worry when anyone gives over so much power of themselves to another, for any reason. Just because you love her deeply does not mean you should lose yourself in the process. Also, what if she decides to return to you and then you decide you can not handle it, she will be pissed for sure. I am unclear why this is not something you are both working on at the same time.

 

Thanks for this. It made me realize that we are working on this simultaneously. The major factor in my decision is whether or not I see change in her. If not, then no, I won't want her back. If yes then it's an easy decision the other way. You are right, we can't really work on this separately.

[2sunny]

So you are working on it double duty - and she's not working on it.

 

That should tell you everything you wonder about.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

I now understand you better and I am happy for you that you are looking our for you too! This is kind of off topic, but what changes are you looking for in her? I ask myself that a lot- what am I looking for in him, when will I know I have made the right choice and I am truly healing and getting over this mess-

 

In my case the A was a result of some typical factors. WW was being selfish, feeling entitled, overly materialistic, needing huge amounts of external validation. So for what you need from your WH I would say is figure out why he strayed and then fix that. Having a truly changed WS may make us feel good about staying and safe but getting over what they did, I'm not sure that will ever happen.

[CantgetoveritNY]

So you are working on it double duty - and she's not working on it.

 

That should tell you everything you wonder about.

 

Why do you say she is not working on it? She has been almost, if not more, traumatized by this as me. We are in MC and both have IC. There have been ups and downs but on the whole, progress over the last 1 1/4 years. From what I read here our progression is following a typical time line and we have a chance to recover.

[2sunny]

That is a good and powerful place to be. I'm happy for you that this is your position.

 

Me, I've been with her for 15 years. We have young children too.

 

We have huge problems as well. You know my problem with her. You don't know her side of things.

 

Neither of us has decided that we can work this out. Giving ourselves time to think about it seems prudent. Children and 15 years. Might cause you to consider giving it more thought than 10 minutes.

 

.

 

I didn't need more than 5 minutes.

 

23 years together. Young kids - he cheated - I knew I deserved better than his betrayal - I ended it.

 

Decide. Make a decision that works for you and go with that.

 

Take action based on your decision.

 

Marriage should be a celebration of love - not a punishment because either one is in fear.

[compulsivedancer]

I think that both people in the couple decide - over and over again - whether to stay together. On DDay, I decided I wanted H. Both times he specifically was deciding whether he wanted to leave, I made plans to camp out on the front lawn if I had to.

 

But from day to day, we both have to make that decision. Oftentimes this is harder under less dramatic circumstances. And there are a lot of issues that come up over time that, as a couple, we weren't necessarily aware of immediately after DDay.

 

For example (and I've considered posting a thread on this, but haven't gotten around to it yet), a week or two ago we were discussing that H is unsure he EVER wants to have kids with me, even though he knows that's something I desperately want (soon, if possible). This was the one thing I told him I could not give up for him.

 

So, effectively, 9 months into reconciliation, he threw the choice at my doorstep once again. We are currently trying to buy a house, so this is important. This is a terrible time to buy a house, from a relationship standpoint, since if things don't work out, it makes everything a lot messier.

 

So even though I had made the choice to be with him, now I have to make that choice again. He says he'll "probably" want to have kids with me some day, but he certainly doesn't feel interested in it now, and he's not sure. So do I give it a few more years (my best child-bearing years) and hope he is ready then, or do we cut our losses and go our separate ways?

 

This isn't a decision I can make in a day or a week, or probably a month. So I have to sign a mortgage and house contract now knowing that we might not make it.

 

What I'm trying to say, NY, is that I think it's okay to let her decide, too, as long as you're making progress. As long as she's making progress.

[compulsivedancer]

As far as this guy, I think it's good that she's upset when she sees him, not longing or wistful. Hopefully some day she could feel indifferent. Everyone says that having the OM around really complicates R and recovery, however. (I wouldn't know, as I haven't faced this issue.) I'd take steps to get him out of your lives, if possible.

[dichotomy]

 

I think that both people in the couple decide - over and over again - whether to stay together.

 

But from day to day, we both have to make that decision.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

I have heard this said or thought in a similar fashion by others - myself included. I think someone here said, I choose to stay and reconcile, but I reserve the right (because of A) to end it at any time later. I am not sure if this is healthy - but it is how some feel. Maybe having that "get out of jail free card" in your back pocket makes it less stressfull to keep working on things? but not if you waive it in front of WS when ever they piss you off later.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I didn't need more than 5 minutes.

 

23 years together. Young kids - he cheated - I knew I deserved better than his betrayal - I ended it.

 

Decide. Make a decision that works for you and go with that.

 

Take action based on your decision.

 

Marriage should be a celebration of love - not a punishment because either one is in fear.

 

Again I applaud your strength. It makes me wonder though, perhaps you were already fed up with the relationship and his cheating was just the last straw? Before Dday I was very much wanting to be with my fWW. I thought she was the best thing that ever happend to me.

 

If I read you right I think you don't take issue with someone reconciling after an A. What you don't like is that I'm indecisive. Right?

[ComingInHot]

Cantgetoverit, there is so much I admire about you and how you have handled everything including sharing it all here. There is also a thing or two I think you should consider, then reconcider, the re-reconsider again.*

-Remember to forgive your... self. What?! You ask. Forgive "myself", wtf. I feel like you get down on yourself sometimes, question yourself, and get upset w/yourself for doing or not doing and take on Something (I don't know what) onto yourself. Blame maybe? Just know, unlike me, nobody (else) is perfect... LMAO. (kidding. Obviously).

Seriously, I have to forgive myself DAILY sometimes for the same things and for the hundreth time.

-Remember it's okay to change your mind as you navigate this thing in the unique way that you have.

 

You are an honorable man. Stay that way!!

[Artie Lang]

Your are right though that I've abdicated a lot of power to her. I love her deeply and if there is any way to work this out I want to. She knows that and it gives her power.

 

You are right. I am waiting on her. But if she decides it doesn't work for her then we can go our separate ways with out a custody and property battle. That is settled. It will be quick and easy if either she or I decide we can't make it work.

 

idk, but it sounds like you are content with the status quo- "as long as she's still here, we have a chance" mentality.

 

if you don't value yourself as being the #1 option in her life(aside from the kids), what are you really fighting for?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But he also has performance issues and deformed genitalia.

 

How do you know this? Were you there?

 

Neither of us has decided that we can work this out. Giving ourselves time to think about it seems prudent. Children and 15 years. Might cause you to consider giving it more thought than 10 minutes..

 

I don't get it. Why did you divorce her if you are still living together and reconciling? Did you want to send her a message by downgrading the relationship from married to common-law marriage?

 

Maybe this OM could be watching you trying to figure out why a divorced couple is still living together.

[2sunny]

Again I applaud your strength. It makes me wonder though, perhaps you were already fed up with the relationship and his cheating was just the last straw? Before Dday I was very much wanting to be with my fWW. I thought she was the best thing that ever happend to me.

 

If I read you right I think you don't take issue with someone reconciling after an A. What you don't like is that I'm indecisive. Right?

 

At the 10 year mark - he cheated. We recovered and had 10 more years together. Amazing years actually.

 

He knew I had one rule - if I found cheating again - it would be over without any hesitation.

 

When I found out - I ended it.

 

I don't see indecisive. You've made the decision to stay. What I find troubling is that she hasn't done the work to understand why she cheated - and how she plans to protect her R with you when the next guy tempts her.

 

The way you've described your motives for staying is troubling too - you say you enjoy her looks and you are afraid you may have a period of no sex if you don't keep her around. So, at this point it looks like she's your arm candy and guarantee for sex. If that's the basis for your relationship - it seems shallow and empty - especially emotionally and mentally/intellectually/spiritually.

[CantgetoveritNY]

What I find troubling is that she hasn't done the work to understand why she cheated - and how she plans to protect her R with you when the next guy tempts her.

 

This bothers me too. A lot. I mean she is doing stuff. Reading some self help stuff and some intermittent IC. I think she needs more. When I brought it up in MC the MC said it was not my business. Fix myself and let her decide what to do. That I was being controlling. I guess I can see that. I can't tell fWW to do it really or it won't be doing it for the right reasons. So I just have to live with the insecurity of the sitch. It is that insecurity of the sitch that made me feel I need the D. I'm sure as can be if it happens again its over. No third chance. If I was more sure it would not happen again, I would not have gotten the D.

 

The way you've described your motives for staying is troubling too - you say you enjoy her looks and you are afraid you may have a period of no sex if you don't keep her around. So, at this point it looks like she's your arm candy and guarantee for sex. If that's the basis for your relationship - it seems shallow and empty - especially emotionally and mentally/intellectually/spiritually.

 

I just said we were initially attracted to each other for physical reasons. I would still maintain that for us, and most couples, having a strong physical attraction and compatibility is very important factor to the longevity of the relationship. That being said it is FAR from the only thing we have holding us together. Aside from the children we have, in my opinion, more good things together in this relationship than I've ever had with anyone else. And I was no stranger to long term serious relationships before I met her.

[CantgetoveritNY]

How do you know this? Were you there?

 

He texted her a picture.

 

 

I don't get it. Why did you divorce her if you are still living together and reconciling? Did you want to send her a message by downgrading the relationship from married to common-law marriage?

 

No, not at all. I very much want her to know I'm willing to work to save our relationship. Since things are still in flux, I just want things to be settled as far as finances and custody. While we can settle them calmly. If she does this again and we were still married the D would be heated and contentious. I could see both of us acting irrationally. I don't trust, yet, that she won't do it again. So even though she thinks I should trust, she was good enough to give me this D calmly and yet still try to work out a way to stay together. It was a lot to ask of her and it speaks volumes to me that she did that for me. I could easily see us getting remarried at some point. I hope for that, that I can be that secure with her once again.

 

 

Maybe this OM could be watching you trying to figure out why a divorced couple is still living together.

 

Yes. It is not common so it could be perplexing to OM. lol! If he knows. We aren't telling anyone but he might have gone to the effort to follow the case on record.