Bunny Boiler MM style.

[CantgetoveritNY]

He's Back!!

 

I'm back (at LS.)

 

My fWW’s MM is back. He is stalking her. My WW and I shop at the same grocery store as a family (elementary age children) every weekend. He knows that. He suddenly appeared in his car, convertible, in front of us at a stop light as we left the store. It was at least a half hour from anywhere he would otherwise need to be. My WW freaked. I assumed she was paranoid at the time. I did not recognize any of the signs that, only her as the fAP, knew. Such as the make and model of the car, the plate, the hat, etc. Later she told me these details and I realized she knew that what she was fearing, was true. He is stalking her.

 

That was just the first incident. There have been more. He is careful not to do anything illegal so..…

 

If you know my story you know I was very surprised, like many BS, that my WS was capable of such betrayal. I had no idea that my WW was not anything but a very spoiled, yet semi-discontent but faithful wife. Normal ups and downs aside.

 

I feel grossed out that she did that. She admits there was no reason for it. I also had no idea that if she cheated I would give her anything but the door in her face. When Dday came I discovered otherwise. To my great surprise and sometimes lingering regret, I found/find that I want to give her a second chance.

 

At some point in the process, soon after Dday, I posted that I would divorce her and yet still let her have a chance to reconcile with me. I did it. We are D. It is final. But she is still with me and now faithful and NC with the serial cheating loser she affaired down with. As long as she is faithful I won't throw her out.

 

We got together in the first place bc we were so compatible in bed. Her AP was not at all her type in that way. Not just that he is grossly out of shape and is prematurely aging. Bad enough. But he also has performance issues and deformed genitalia. So wtf?

 

Anyway. Starting at Dday, June of 2012, she has been pulling out all the stops in sexual ways to reassure me that I was not wrong about that physical connection between us. I would not call it hysterical bonding. Maybe it was just HB for a few months post Dday. Since then it has been very much more full on three dimensional romantic.

 

Since he started stalking her, she has doubled down on making me feel like I'm her #1. Lucky me, right? You would think.

 

I understand that like anyone that had an A, she misses the attention. Like Busdriver, CD, Coolit and other repentant WS say, it is inevitable that there are feelings. I don’t feel threatened though b/c if she wants him, I don’t care. She can have him and b/c of the D we now have our agreement settled as to how we will separate. No worries for either of us about how it would go, financially or with the kids, if she decides to leave.

 

So why does it bother me that he is doing this. I feel strongly like I need to punish him. Even before the stalking I felt that way. Now the deformed predator pervert is stalking my WW. Do I just hire a hit a hit man and be done with it? No, wait, that is too impersonal. I've got a gun myself! lol.

 

Just kidding. No woman is worth a life sentence. Let alone a woman that fell for the bull ***** lines of a predatory serial cheater. I will let her handle the freak show bunny boiler she brought into her life any way she wants. If she wants him, then as Spark, Furious, and others here have said, I'll pack her bags and show her the door. Until then I’ll laugh at his pathetic attempts to get her attention.

[dichotomy]

He's Back!!

 

I'm back (at LS.)

 

My fWW’s MM is back. He is stalking her.

 

I understand that like anyone that had an A, she misses the attention. Like Busdriver, CD, Coolit and other repentant WS say, it is inevitable that there are feelings..

 

Couple of thoughts/questions

 

Do you think he is stalking her specifically - or you both as a couple and even as a family. I am just thinking this is about some sick obession on his part with all or both of you. He wants to make you all sick/hurt like he is and its not about getting her back. He is messed up and simply sick now - its not about her or an affair.

 

Do you really understand or think - she misses OMs attention? Does not sound like it to me from the rest of your post. Are you projecting his stalking mind/emotions into her mind and emotions?

 

 

Lastly - unrelated to the matter a hand - I had never heard of a person divorcing and than reconciling and staying together. Interesting, maybe it makes her work harder for your relationship?.... but in any case... do your kids, schools, know you are officially divorced ? or for all intents and puposes do you maintain the marriage view?

Edited November 8, 2013 by dichotomy

[whichwayisup]

You two are officially divorced (papers signed, sealed and delivered) and living together still as a couple?

 

Okay well her actions and her words match now. She doesn't want him and his stalking behaviour is freaking her out. IF there are any feelings left it isn't based on a real love or affection, it's just the addictiveness of the affair dynamic itself and who she made him to be in her own mind. But I'm sure his behaviour has put her off and made her see him for who he is.

 

The A is over and there's NC in place, he is out of line by stalking and following you two. There are different ways in handling it, ignoring completely and don't let on at all that you are aware and go about your day (aka don't give him any power over you two) or you can confront him and tell him to F off and get a life. You can call his wife and tell her what he's been doing.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Couple of thoughts/questions

 

Do you think he is stalking her specifically - or you both as a couple and even as a family. I am just thinking this is about some sick obession on his part with all or both of you. He wants to make you all sick/hurt like he is and its not about getting her back. He is messed up and simply sick now - its not about her or an affair.

 

I had not thought of that. It could be. His own family life is pretty messed up I hear, due to being caught cheating multiple times. So it could be the whole family is of interest to him. Even me, like how do I make this work when he can't. Interesting. Makes me feel a tiny bit of empathy for the poor bastard.

 

Do you really understand or think - she misses OMs attention? Does not sound like it to me from the rest of your post. Are you projecting his stalking mind/emotions into her mind and emotions?

 

I think anyone would miss the over the top attention and affection that takes place in a new relationship and which is magnified by the secrecy and forbidden nature of an A. I have yet to see a repentant WS say otherwise.

 

 

Lastly - unrelated to the matter a hand - I had never heard of a person divorcing and than reconciling and staying together. Interesting, maybe it makes her work harder for your relationship?.... but in any case... do your kids, schools, know you are officially divorced ? or for all intents and purposes do you maintain the marriage view?

 

It is totally a secret. I don't want my fWW to be publicly humiliated. She is sorry. She is paying a steep price in other ways. Perhaps the most difficult for her is how she views herself after this.

 

If she does figure out what was wrong with her that got her in this situation, I will want to remarry her. I know that, while she is sorry and feels like she can't believe she did that, she still is vulnerable to doing it again unless she figures out why she did it in the first place and fixes those things. That has not happened yet. I can tell.

 

She says she is not sure she wants to stay with me either. Good sex is not the be all and end all of course. So it is mutual. But until we figure out what we want to do, no one needs to know our legal status. I just wanted to sort out things like spousal support and custody in a less heated manner than would be possible if she were to take up with another OM.

[Realist3]

You live in Manhattan, right? That sure is a lot of effort by MM to stalk someone there. Don't be predictable. Change up your schedules slightly. Best of luck.

[Realist3]

Another thing. Have you considered that he may have put a keylogger on her phone with GPS tracking when they were in the A?

[dichotomy]

She says she is not sure she wants to stay with me either.

 

 

wow. I am sorry, i guess I infered from the effort on her part she did know. She does not even know why she needed to get with some slug, or if she wants to stay? I guess you have handled this just right then.

[CantgetoveritNY]

You live in Manhattan, right? That sure is a lot of effort by MM to stalk someone there. Don't be predictable. Change up your schedules slightly. Best of luck.

 

Even if he has a GPS on her phone, it would take considerable effort to do what he has done.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I had not thought of that. It could be. His own family life is pretty messed up I hear, due to being caught cheating multiple times. So it could be the whole family is of interest to him. Even me, like how do I make this work when he can't. Interesting. Makes me feel a tiny bit of empathy for the poor bastard.

 

 

 

I think anyone would miss the over the top attention and affection that takes place in a new relationship and which is magnified by the secrecy and forbidden nature of an A. I have yet to see a repentant WS say otherwise.

 

 

 

 

It is totally a secret. I don't want my fWW to be publicly humiliated. She is sorry. She is paying a steep price in other ways. Perhaps the most difficult for her is how she views herself after this.

 

If she does figure out what was wrong with her that got her in this situation, I will want to remarry her. I know that, while she is sorry and feels like she can't believe she did that, she still is vulnerable to doing it again unless she figures out why she did it in the first place and fixes those things. That has not happened yet. I can tell.

 

She says she is not sure she wants to stay with me either. Good sex is not the be all and end all of course. So it is mutual. But until we figure out what we want to do, no one needs to know our legal status. I just wanted to sort out things like spousal support and custody in a less heated manner than would be possible if she were to take up with another OM.

 

 

A WS who has processed the affair dynamics would most certainly say they do not miss ANY of it. They would look at it and see that the AP thought so little of them, that they got them to sell out: Self Respect, Integrity, Self Worth. They would see how the AP played a huge role in their self destruction. They would associate that time/feelings/person with hurting their spouse/children and most importantly of having hurt them personally.

 

Miss it??? They wouldnt go near it with a 100 foot pole.

 

Your wife's reaction seems to point to what I have said. If I read your story correctly she had a negative visceral reaction to seeing him and told you immediately. Hardly sounds like someone that is pining for the old days.

[Realist3]

Even if he has a GPS on her phone, it would take considerable effort to do what he has done.

 

I can only imagine, but it seems like the easiest way to be able to even remotely accomplish any form of stalking there.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In regard to both of you not being sure that your new relationship will work in the long run.

 

Sounds right to me.

 

You both, are very different people now. You both, need to be in this new YOU for a bit to see what it feels like, how you want to live, what has changed inside of you now, how do you love now, what does love mean to the new you, etc etc.

 

I think divorcing the old marriage can be very symbolic. Also, waiting to see how you both end up after such trauma before recommitting is very wise as well.

[CantgetoveritNY]

A WS who has processed the affair dynamics would most certainly say they do not miss ANY of it. They would look at it and see that the AP thought so little of them, that they got them to sell out: Self Respect, Integrity, Self Worth. They would see how the AP played a huge role in their self destruction. They would associate that time/feelings/person with hurting their spouse/children and most importantly of having hurt them personally.

 

Miss it??? They wouldnt go near it with a 100 foot pole.

 

Your wife's reaction seems to point to what I have said. If I read your story correctly she had a negative visceral reaction to seeing him and told you immediately. Hardly sounds like someone that is pining for the old days.

 

No, not at all pining. That is not what I meant. Compulsive Dancer and Coolit have recently posted about this far better than I could being a BS. They and my fWW feel repulsed by the OM. But at the same time they recall that it felt good to be in the fog. Not that they want to go back.

[CantgetoveritNY]

wow. I am sorry, i guess I infered from the effort on her part she did know. She does not even know if she wants to stay?

 

Let me just say, I'm not a choir boy. I've never cheated and only have eyes for my fWW but she has plenty of valid reasons to be one foot out the door. Of course none of them comes close to being an excuse for cheating. And to her credit she understands this.

 

There are a lot of ways we are incompatible. None of these, for me, other than the cheating, comes close to being a reason to go our separate ways. For her though they are enough to consider that. While considering that she fell prey to a predatory serial cheater. Like shooting fish in a barrel for him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You stated that anyone would miss it.

 

Missing it, and recalling that during the affair one enjoyed the attention are two very different things.

 

Obviously during the time there had to be some measure of enjoyment, or why do it. Also, at the time, they hadn't PAID for that enjoyment yet. Once they got the bill, it doesn't look like such a good time after all. They gain perspective.

[CantgetoveritNY]

You stated that anyone would miss it.

 

Missing it, and recalling that during the affair one enjoyed the attention are two very different things.

 

Obviously during the time there had to be some measure of enjoyment, or why do it. Also, at the time, they hadn't PAID for that enjoyment yet. Once they got the bill, it doesn't look like such a good time after all. They gain perspective.

 

 

I agree. Missing it was the wrong way to phrase that. Thanks for correcting me.

[Criticality]

Props to both of you for handling both the affair and the divorce like decent, mature individuals. Nice to see a thread about either that isn't chock full of bitterness, hate and dysfunction, like they usually are.

 

And I agree with Whoknows. One incident of the guy being at the same stoplight as you is a little too soon to wonder about possible stalking.

 

But... I have to ask... Deformed genitalia?!? Like what... Does it point downward have lumps or a 60 degree bend or what?!?

[Spark1111]

It's not uncommon for the FAP to stalk the person who returns to the marriage.

 

happens every day around here.

 

Your choices are to ignore him or together with your xW, confront him if it escalates to spooky.

 

I believe in my sitch, my FWH let her down waaaay too gently out of guilt, so she kept showing up obsessed to see the dynamics of our life hoping we would implode and he would return to her.

 

I FINALLY made one phone call when she caught him unawares, alone and he told me immediately.

 

last I heard, she's left the area.

[harrybrown]

She is not sure she wants to be with you even after she cheated? unreal.

 

Good thing you are divorced.

 

However, if he keeps showing up, you may want to get a RO.

 

My roof starting leaking, had to get it repaired. Contractor told me about 2 bullet holes in my roof from the back of the house. Talked to the police, not easy to find the bullets like on tv. The roof was right over my bedroom, but into the attic with blown in insulation.

 

This is in the suburbs, not in a bad area. I still think it was him, but no proof.

 

Get the RO, if you can.

[CantgetoveritNY]

She is not sure she wants to be with you even after she cheated? unreal.

 

I don't think so. Before she cheated she said she wanted a divorce. I just did not believe it bc she did not take action to make it happen. Then the A. That proved to me she was serious about D. So now that she had the A why would that change whether or not she wanted to stay with me? I can see why it would affect my desire to stay with her.

 

She is grateful that I'm being patient and letting us both have time to decide what we want to do. But just b/c I'm giving us time would not, in my opinion, be enough to change her whole attitude about dissatisfaction in the relationship.

 

She is sure she doesn't want to cheat again. That lesson was learned, I believe. But being happy with the relationship is a whole different thing.

[whatatangledweb]

I don't think so. Before she cheated she said she wanted a divorce. I just did not believe it bc she did not take action to make it happen. Then the A. That proved to me she was serious about D. So now that she had the A why would that change whether or not she wanted to stay with me? I can see why it would affect my desire to stay with her.

 

She is grateful that I'm being patient and letting us both have time to decide what we want to do. But just b/c I'm giving us time would not, in my opinion, be enough to change her whole attitude about dissatisfaction in the relationship.

 

She is sure she doesn't want to cheat again. That lesson was learned, I believe. But being happy with the relationship is a whole different thing.

 

She could have changed her mind when she realized just what she had. That she was taking it for granted and she almost lost what she most valued.

[drifter777]

Am I understanding this correctly - you did divorce her? If so then I don't understand why you are putting yourself through all of this drama but it is your choice. At least at this point in time.

 

This isn't about this guy stalking you/WW - seeing OM triggered the betrayal your wife perpetrated and you are reacting to that. In my opinion you have been in denial and not willing to face the emotional damage she has done to you. Even if you divorced it didn't mean anything because you have continued the same relationship without the government-issued paper.

 

This has nothing to do with forgiveness. What you need to figure out is can you accept a wife/SO who had sex with another man after taking a vow to be faithful? Can you accept a forever-tarnished relationship? Trying to reconcile is so hard and painful that you should answer these questions before you continue trying to work things out.

[ChooseTruth]

A WS who has processed the affair dynamics would most certainly say they do not miss ANY of it. They would look at it and see that the AP thought so little of them, that they got them to sell out: Self Respect, Integrity, Self Worth. They would see how the AP played a huge role in their self destruction. They would associate that time/feelings/person with hurting their spouse/children and most importantly of having hurt them personally.

 

Miss it??? They wouldnt go near it with a 100 foot pole.

 

Your wife's reaction seems to point to what I have said. If I read your story correctly she had a negative visceral reaction to seeing him and told you immediately. Hardly sounds like someone that is pining for the old days.

 

AG, this is a really cool post. I hope it's true. Are you a fWS? I'm a divorced BS so I wouldn't know how true it is or not.

[road]

Dr Harley recommends that it is beast to move far away from where the affair took place.

 

It prevents the affair from restarting because it is not practical to drive 500 or 1,000 miles to get laid. When there are plenty of potential new people to have affairs with local for the AP to replace WW with.

 

More important it ensures NC with the AP. Thus a big source of triggers are removed which helps the marriage heal.

Edited November 9, 2013 by road

[CantgetoveritNY]

She could have changed her mind when she realized just what she had. That she was taking it for granted and she almost lost what she most valued.

 

She did a bit. She realized that she wanted me bad enough to beg me for a second chance. Still, that second chance request was for time to decide. Not "please take me back forever." Not at all. And I respect that. Even though she wants time to sort this out and that, after sorting, she may decide I'm not a good match for her. Its her decision. Just as fairly as it is my, as yet unresolved, decision to try to live with the fact she lied and screwed the OM behind my back. Neither one of us has decided what to do long term. I don't think that is a bad thing at this point in time.

[2sunny]

Go to the market at night, late - on a week day.

 

Start changing up your schedule! Being that predictable puts anyone at risk.

 

He shouldn't be able to figure out ANY standard pattern of what you two do. It should always be changing.

 

Your W cheated - yet she has the luxury of deciding if she still wants to be with you? Man, that's a crazy loosely goosey boundary you have for her.

 

Does she earn her own money and completely support herself?