SunsetRed Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Hi, I have been on and off this board for some time now. My initial break up w MM was in 2010 and its been a long, heart aching recovery, w lots of relapse but now Im free. Im now free enough to b seeing a single guy and while things aren't perfect, Ive moved beyond those days where I compared every date to MM. This new guy adds a certain spark to my life. I LOVE that we can go anywhere, do anything and I don't feel devalued by having to hide or pretend that I don't know the person Im sleeping with when Im out in public. So, the mistake I made was not going 100% NC w MM and when I got an email from him out of the blue, I couldn't wait to tell him that I have a bf. I felt triumphant, for all the times he threw me under the bus, for all the times he acted condescending to me and told me he hoped I'd find someone else, I felt proud to tell him that I do have a bf. I had no idea MM was as F'ed up as he is, because now he seems to have some sick need to control me and "win" me as if there's a contest between him and my bf. He started showing up w presents for me and then the kicker, he showed up and proposed. Now mind you, he still has a wife and I have no ring, but he says he's "getting those papers" so we can b together. WTF, Im so angry that he only wants me because he cant have me. He's also crying and saying it hurts him to have lost me. I haven't told my bf about this as Im afraid he'll leave me if he finds I have so much drama in my life. One thing I love about the new bf, is there is no drama, no wife, no future faking. So, I tend to become passive and submissive around MM and its hard to stand up to him. I know what I want to say, but Ive just been shutting down and hoping this will blow over on its own. I truly don't want to lose my bf and end up back on the suck track w MM.
MorbidFever Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 He is an emotional manipulator. Run from him, they are so toxic! I dealt with this too, every time he thought I was involved with someone else, all the I love you's etc started flowing. When I would reassure him it wasn't the case and loved him only and only wanted to be with him, he would start to distance himself again. Emotionally toxic and I believe mine is an extreme sociopath. 7
greenfairie Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So strange… let go of him. You sound like you deserve a lot better!
SoleMate Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Sunset, time to go total NC so this MM can't hurt you anymore or take the chance to disrupt our new r/s. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate. 4
imfine Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 You said you made the mistake of not going NC with your xMM. Why do you continue to make the same mistake? Cut him off. Do not reply to another email, text, phone call, nothing! He'll get the message. If he doesn't, play hard ball. You have a great new life. Why, why, why let the old one mess it up? 3
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Sunset, time to go total NC so this MM can't hurt you anymore or take the chance to disrupt our new r/s. I'm sure he wouldn't hesitate. Yes, you need to focus on your life, on your new boyfriend and forget exMM. Change your email address, make it absolutely impossible for him to contact you on all levels. The only way to gain TOTAL control is to cut him out of your life. 1
veryhappy Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Of course he does... And yet again if you were going to him all willing, available and supportive all you'd get was how committed he is to staying married. Would you want to try? If you do, call him on his bluff. Break up with the bf, give MM a deadline nd go NC until the deadline. He's probably just looking to go back to knowing he could have you, so he can stay happily married.
Spark1111 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Some people only want what they perceive they CANNOT have AND love the fantasy of you home alone pining away for your one true love.....sigh. what an ego boost! But your passivity around him allows it. Why continue this way? Return the gifts, block the emails and TELL him his continued contact is SOOO disrespectful to the new man in your life and IT STOPS TODAY. have a nice life MM. Buh-bye. Don't just wriggle off his hook.....CUT the line for good. 4
Artie Lang Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 you might want to tell your BF about this before it gets out in the open, and misinterpreted. if you guys are serious, he should be told of this since your ex-MM is now intruding on your new relationship. call me crazy, but it sounds like you still have feelings for this man. 3
2sure Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Not being very nice or honest with the new BF. 2
CrystalCastles Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Maybe you should tell MM's W. That way she can keep her trash in her yard, not in yours. MM's leash has gotten too long. 1
Eggplant Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 call me crazy, but it sounds like you still have feelings for this man. Dead on OP -- you need to be loyal and give her heart 100% to your BF. If you cannot, you aren't ready to date yet. Don't date again until you have the courage to block the MM completely. It sucks. You'll need to basically surgically remove the weak part of your heart. Think of the future only.
Author SunsetRed Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 Well, I wrote this post mainly to help others and of course, to help myself. So many of these MM stories are exactly the same and I do recall reading other posts where the OW moved on, got a new bf and suddenly, the MM who had get her in the shadows and even thrown her under the bus, came charging back, professing love and commitment, when there was another man around. I realize that MM's current desire for me isn't love. He'll burn me the second I give myself to him. He has obvious control issues and needs to be in charge and has some sick desire to "cock block" my bf. That's all it is...just a game. My new bf, is a regular normal guy. There's no fantasy, no future faking. Our relationship lacks that fake specialness that MM and I have. All of this is a good thing. Well, the holidays are nearly upon us, so I am going to do things w my bf and tell MM to go enjoy his time w his family, as he did every year when we were together. Im hoping the holidays will occupy MM enough that he leaves me alone, as in addition to the holidays, its his wifes B day and their anniversary. I never saw him between T'giving and New years when we were together so I'll be damned if he's gonna see me now that I have someone. Well, just wanted to update my story. I do know im not the only one who's MM came back after the OW found someone else.
SoleMate Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Well, the holidays are nearly upon us, so I am going to do things w my bf and tell MM to go enjoy his time w his family, as he did every year when we were together.... DON'T contact MM to tell him ANYTHING. And if MM contacts YOU, keep it simple and just tell him to go to hell. Then redouble your NC technology/logistics because they obviously weren't working. Anything more counts as engaging and that is the very last thing you want to do. 2
CrystalCastles Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Well, I wrote this post mainly to help others and of course, to help myself. So many of these MM stories are exactly the same and I do recall reading other posts where the OW moved on, got a new bf and suddenly, the MM who had get her in the shadows and even thrown her under the bus, came charging back, professing love and commitment, when there was another man around. I realize that MM's current desire for me isn't love. He'll burn me the second I give myself to him. He has obvious control issues and needs to be in charge and has some sick desire to "cock block" my bf. That's all it is...just a game. My new bf, is a regular normal guy. There's no fantasy, no future faking. Our relationship lacks that fake specialness that MM and I have. All of this is a good thing. Well, the holidays are nearly upon us, so I am going to do things w my bf and tell MM to go enjoy his time w his family, as he did every year when we were together. Im hoping the holidays will occupy MM enough that he leaves me alone, as in addition to the holidays, its his wifes B day and their anniversary. I never saw him between T'giving and New years when we were together so I'll be damned if he's gonna see me now that I have someone. Well, just wanted to update my story. I do know im not the only one who's MM came back after the OW found someone else. Stop communicating with him, stop talking to him, stop everything. He doesn't deserve any explanations. He threw you under the bus. Wake up! Who cares what's up with his life. He can do whatever he wants. You have your own life which doesn't involve him. Live it that way. It seems to me like you care about what MM does. If you are truly over him, live life like he doesn't exist.
Artie Lang Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 although i applaud your efforts concerning "moving on," i just can't help but feel that you still hold a torch for this ex-MM. if you truly want to move on you won't contact him again: just go crickets. do you ever plan on telling your BF about your past, especially now that your past indescretion has come back to haunt you?
dichotomy Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) WTF, 1) I am so angry that he only wants me because he cant have me. He's also crying and saying it hurts him to have lost me. I haven't told my bf about this as Im afraid he'll leave me if he finds I have so much drama in my life. 2) One thing I love about the new bf, is there is no drama, no wife, no future faking. So, I tend to become passive and submissive around MM 3) and its hard to stand up to him. I know what I want to say, but Ive just been shutting down and hoping this will blow over on its own. 4) I truly don't want to lose my bf and end up back on the suck track w MM. 1) Yes - thats true 2) Aren't you faking/lying to BF - did you tell him you were involved with a MM before you met him - AND - now he is back in your life? If not - your lying and your BF is not in love with who he thinks he is. 3) Maybe because your feelings for BF are not what they should be. True love would not allow this ...it protects true love. 4) All due respect - I have been though something very similar - you will loose you BF (or a major part of his respect and love) unless you are completely honest with him and then and standup and kick your MM in the nuts and tell him what a looser he is and how you found a real man. If BF is "the one" then you better standup quick. If he is not move on. Edited November 11, 2013 by dichotomy 1
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