elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Okay, so, silly question. But, I suspect this new guy (that I have gone on like 5 dates with so far) is growing a pretty heavy beard out, which I don't like at all. If he was a boyfriend, I would just tell him "are you growing that out? I like a guy that is clean shaven" or something, but since we don't know each other that well, I'd feel like it's not in my place to say anything. Also, this is going to make me sound like a shallow girl, but he added me on facebook and he used (very recently, this summer he lost it) to be pretty fat. Not obese, but definitely husky. Now, I am not sure what his body looks like now, he's fine looking with clothes, but he might be flabby underneath for all I know. Also, he was fat for a long time, and right now he works out like crazy (which is great) but what if he stops working out? Is he going to gain all of that back? Sorry for the shallowness. He's got a great personality and is very nice.
Philosoraptor Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 If you like him in every other way I would at most bring it up in a joking manner. Something like "Planning to chop down some trees?" then say how good he looked (or would look) clean shaven. Make it a joke and complement, not a nag. 1
soccerrprp Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Tell him you prefer clean-shaven. I had a woman tell me that she didn't like my deodorant. If I wanted to get close to her, I had a choice to make. Easy to buy a less odorous deodorant. As per his weight, have you hugged him? And yes, when and if he stops working out, he may very likely regain his weight, unless his diet has changed to suit his new body type.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) Tell him how sexy you think he'd look clean shaven. He also might be doing it for hunting season. Many men do Edited November 8, 2013 by d0nnivain 1
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Tell him you prefer clean-shaven. I had a woman tell me that she didn't like my deodorant. If I wanted to get close to her, I had a choice to make. Easy to buy a less odorous deodorant. As per his weight, have you hugged him? And yes, when and if he stops working out, he may very likely regain his weight, unless his diet has changed to suit his new body type. Yes, I hugged him. I guess he's not solid, but soft, so I'm not expecting no fat at all, but I don't know how much/how it will look. He's 6'3 and works out a lot, so I don't understand why he's not smaller. It makes me worry it will easily come back. He's 25
MidwestUSA Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Is he participating in No Shave November? (Cancer awareness/fundraising). I'd ask him. Or, could it be he watched the World Series and decided the Red Sox look is the way to go? (Yea, my Cards played like crap, didn't deserve to win, but they looked better!) My hubbie had a thin mustache when we met. I told him he looked like a 70's porn star. He's baby faced now. 1
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I don't want to get attacked here. I myself grew up in a household where my father would say cruel things to us about our weight. So much that both me and one of my brothers developed serious eating disorders in our younger years. Maybe that's why I care about him gaining weight in the future. I don't care if he's not perfect now, but I worry he'll gain it all back once his new found work out routine isn't his priority anymore. The beard isn't a huge deal, but I think it would be weird if he had one. I haven't seen him since Sunday (where it looked like he was starting to let it grow out) and I'll see him tonight so hopefully he shaved lol. He has some great qualities. He is very smart, attractive, fun to be around, a gentleman. I don't think he's something I'll just move on from. I am a grad student in a program with 5 girls. I don't have all the options in the world.
clia Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Is he participating in No Shave November? (Cancer awareness/fundraising). I'd ask him. This is an excellent point. 2
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 The bolded part, is not his fault or his problem to deal with. He should not be changing anything because of your unresolved issues and hangups. First you get your self in the right head space, then start dating. Just because you have no options, does not mean he has to suffer and/or change who he is. Fair enough, but I am in the right "head space" to date. I do not have low self-esteem and am perfectly okay with who I am currently. I'm not asking him to "change" his weight now. I am simply worrying about the future.
veggirl Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Why don't you just date someone you are attracted to? Lots of guys are nice & have good personalities. I mean after only 5 dates, you're already finding flaws. That doesn't bode well. 4
MidwestUSA Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 This is an excellent point. Yea, darling, I've a bit of a five o'clock shadow myself.
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Yea, darling, I've a bit of a five o'clock shadow myself. And that is fine! Just don't get a whole beard going!! I don't know, I think it's worth giving him a chance. I am not a believer in love or anything like that. I'm a logical, judgmental person. I am also very nice *contradictory yes I know*. I think I am shallow with other people's looks (even if they're just fine) because my whole life that's how I was with myself (even though I am just fine). I think it's a personality trait that I will not simply break from when meeting a guy lol.
Keenly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Its November, and you want to tell a guy you've been on 5 dates with how to dress? You are already trying to change him... wow. 2
MidwestUSA Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 And that is fine! Just don't get a whole beard going!! 'Twas a joke, I'm female. Honestly, I wouldn't broach the facial hair subject early on. If a solid relationship develops, there will be room for discussion and compromises later. Maybe you'll learn to love it, or he'll decide he doesn't want to keep it. There are so many other hurdles to jump right now, don't overthink it. Good luck!
Keenly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Your already starting to like him for who you want him to be and not who he is . First its facial hair. Then its the way he dresses. then its his behaviors. Then its his hobbies. 1
Valen Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I have facial hair and I disapprove of this thread. 4
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I enjoy his hobbies and personality. No qualms there. Anyways, I am a nice person. I'm very laid back but I can be judgmental. I think people would describe be as serious but a good, kind person. I'm not a monster for having a preference or two.
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I don't want to change him! I'm just worried about potential things in the future, as Skid Mark graciously said. I'm a worrier, I'm shallow about looks because I'm shallow about my own looks! Now, when you read that you'd probably think I wear tons of makeup and obsess about fashion or something.. but that couldn't be further from the truth. Just because a person has a particular quality, it doesn't mean it translates perfectly into the stereotyped umbrella of that quality. I am a good person, no one would call me cruel because I am not lol. I say some things that people find offensive sometimes but I always have good intentions and am often called very sweet and caring. Anyways, I'll just have fun tonight.. and not worry!
petitefleur Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I don't really approve of wanting to change him but you could say he reminds you of someone else with that beard, lol. If he was overweight maybe he has insecurities, be gentle!
Keenly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 The real question is, when you tell him you don't like facial hair, and his is response is "too bad" what are you going to do then?
bentleychic Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Why people date someone they want to "change" makes no sense to me. Do yourself and him a favor and go find someone that isn't a "fixer upper" for you. EXACTLY! If you've just barely started dating and already want to change him, do HIM a favor and end it now. Also, just so you know, most people change over time. Don't date/marry someone expecting them to always look the same or exactly what you like. For the record, I like facial hair on guys, but just a bit. I don't care for big bushy beards. Sometimes BF grows his out some. He used to grow it out long enough to braid and decorate (before me). I did tell him although that wasn't MY favorite style on him, I love him and he "does it" for me. Ultimately it's him and his body, he can do what he wants and I'm still attracted to him. I'm always sure to complicate him even more when he gets it close shaven like I like it (positive reinforcement! LOL) and he definitely notices and has tended to keep it fairly close shaven mostly since we've been together.
Keenly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 just tell him, I don't see why this is a big deal If a girl I was seeing told me to change my facial hair. It wouldn't be a big deal Welcome to doormat land good sir. 1
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I don't see why that's a big deal. If there is something I can do to make myself more appealing to a girl I'm seeing that's not a big change and not anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I would do it I would expect the same from her. You guys are making a mountain out of a molehill I don't think it's an outrageous change/request either. It's like if a guy told me he preferred my hair down if I always wore it up or something. Not a big deal. He doesn't have a beard ALL the time (at least according to pictures) so it's not like it's apart of HIM as a person. Like if a guy told me he preferred me blonde, I'd be like "are you crazy?" No.
Keenly Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I don't see why that's a big deal. If there is something I can do to make myself more appealing to a girl I'm seeing that's not a big change and not anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I would do it I would expect the same from her. You guys are making a mountain out of a molehill You are living in fantasy land. If you want to go down the road of giving up who YOU are to please a girl you are with, that's your choice. But eventually she will lose respect for you if you just give into things like this. You are establishing a precedent of willing submission. I speak from experience. A few months of being a "yes man" and it will no longer be asked, but expected.
Author elmichi Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 You are living in fantasy land. If you want to go down the road of giving up who YOU are to please a girl you are with, that's your choice. But eventually she will lose respect for you if you just give into things like this. You are establishing a precedent of willing submission. I speak from experience. A few months of being a "yes man" and it will no longer be asked, but expected. He didn't describe himself as being a "yes man." I think his attitude is, oh, this girl I'm into likes me this way? I'd love to make her happy. He isn't being a doormat, he's doing something that indirectly makes him happy by making her happy. As long as she has genuine interest in him, she will not take advantage of his "change." That's how it works, as long as someone is as into you as you are them, nothing is a game. 1
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