Sweeetie Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I've been with my new boyfriend for about 2 months now. Things are great but there is one important problem and that is the fact that his flatmate (who is also his best friend) just doesn't seem to like me. When I'm around their place he never talks to me, and when he does he talks in a very condescending and rude way. He has always been like this to me, before my boyfriend and I even got together and before my boyfriend and I even became close. I don't know if this might have slightly racial elements since he and my boyfriend are both from a different country to me (the same country as each other). The most extreme example of him being unpleasant to me was a few weeks ago. I was at my boyfriends place and we were having a light argument about something on the couch in the sitting room/kitchen (it's one room). His flatmate came in to have some food and he interfered in our argument, taking my boyfriend's side and speaking to me in a very rude way- I quote "for god sake just get over it!!". I found this to be highly inappropriate because he intervened in a private conversation between me and my boyfriend. I told my boyfriend afterwards that I found this to be very unnecessary but my boyfriend just praised his flatmate saying that he "came to his rescue". I have tried talking to my boyfriend about how his flatmate makes me feel uncomfortable, my boyfriend cares about me and tried speaking to his flatmate but his flatmate just got really surprised. My boyfriend just says it is "all in my head" because he has known this guy for 4 years and knows him to be a "very good person". What he doesn't get is that no matter how good this guy is to *him*, the way he treats me makes me feel really uncomfortable! It's got to the stage now where I feel like not spending much time around their place and if there is a group meetup where this guy will be there I feel like not going to avoid feeling unwelcome by him. What's the best way to tackle this situation?
greenfairie Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 ahh i'm so sorry this is happening. it sucks. i've had to deal with this too with my ex. some of his friends were cryptic *******s. the best thing i could have done then was just ignore it and let the guys be. i wouldn't ask to join along with the guys. the guys together could be a lot, because their energies get all so hyped up and sometimes they say/do things.. not like they're trying to hurt others. it's just a guy thing in my opinion. you could always tell your ex how you feel, that's probably gonna affect their friendship too though… could go good or bad…. like it'd be awkward too because if nothing gets worked out and your bf's aware of it all, he could possibly not want to bring you guys together as much in the future and that would just put a wedge into relationships/ friendships. looking back, i wish i was more assertive and spoke up to my ex's friends. they wouldn't bite me, i looked up to them as brotherly types too. i was just a pussy hahah. you should speak up but talk to your boyfriend about it. see what solutions you guys can come up with. i'm sure he could help you solve this since he knows you and the guy well…. hopefully you guys come to a comfortable resolution! 1
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 You were having an argument with your BF of 2 months? Red flag. Disagreement / debate OK fine. Argument. . . really that soon? It wasn't a private conversation because you were having it in the middle of the other guy's living room. Have you asked the BF why the friend doesn't like you? Could the friend be jealous? Could he just be socially awkward? When I first started dating my husband his roommate was outright weird. I figured out that he was one of those nerdy guys who just never spent time around women. According to my husband I was the 1st pretty girl who ever talked to him & he didn't know how to handle it.
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I find the fact your boyfriend let his flatmate/best friend get into the argument is not cool or not fair at all. Whatever discussion you two were having was between you two and none of the friends business. Also, your boyfriend is allowing him to treat you like crap. Why hasn't he said "hey, this is my girlfriend and as long as she is here you can't be a jerk to her. You two may not be buddies and great friends but have some common respect and courtesy towards her." You tell your bf that he has to talk to him or you will. Stand up to him. Call him on his bullshi.t and tell him your race doesn't matter, who cares if you're not the same race as he and your boyfriend. The flatmate/BF could be jealous too. ? 2
Author Sweeetie Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Also, your boyfriend is allowing him to treat you like crap. Why hasn't he said "hey, this is my girlfriend and as long as she is here you can't be a jerk to her. You two may not be buddies and great friends but have some common respect and courtesy towards her." This is the thing; in the eyes of my boyfriend, his friend is doing nothing wrong. My boyfriend can't see it and says that's just who his friend is. He says that his friend is a good guy on the inside. Very unhelpful of him...
MissBee Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 This is the thing; in the eyes of my boyfriend, his friend is doing nothing wrong. My boyfriend can't see it and says that's just who his friend is. He says that his friend is a good guy on the inside. Very unhelpful of him... I would be worried about this. His friend isn't required to like you, but as your boyfriend he should definitely be the one to put his foot down, stick up for you and tell his friend he won't tolerate him treating you like crap. Even if he didn't readily see it, he should take your feelings seriously and not dismiss it. I think you need to address this with your boyfriend and explain that you feel he is dismissive of your feelings and you'd like him to stick up for you more.
HorseLuck Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 ^ I agree with MissBee. Put this friend in his place. My initial thought was that he may be envious of the relationship. He knew you prior? Do you think maybe he was ever attracted to you? Guys can go about things oddly sometimes.
Author Sweeetie Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 (edited) I would be worried about this. His friend isn't required to like you, but as your boyfriend he should definitely be the one to put his foot down, stick up for you and tell his friend he won't tolerate him treating you like crap. Even if he didn't readily see it, he should take your feelings seriously and not dismiss it. I think you need to address this with your boyfriend and explain that you feel he is dismissive of your feelings and you'd like him to stick up for you more. You are right, but my boyfriend did have a word with his friend as I mentioned- I guess there is nothing else that he can do? I don't like the fact that he just says it is all in my head. ^ I agree with MissBee. Put this friend in his place. My initial thought was that he may be envious of the relationship. He knew you prior? Do you think maybe he was ever attracted to you? Guys can go about things oddly sometimes. Haha not at all, I only met his flatmate a few times (I met him just 2 months before our relationship started) where he didn't even look at me when I said "hi". So he doesn't even know me. I need to talk to my boyfriend about this further but what else can I ask him to do? He has already spoken to his friend about how I feel, even though they both think I am crazy. Edited November 9, 2013 by Sweeetie
TaraMaiden Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 If you hide behind someone and expect them to fight your battles for you, you'll end up with all kinds of problems; You risk dividing people and making enemies. You put your BF in an awkward position of having to take sides: Love interest/developing relationship vs. long-term friendship with 'bosom-buddy'.. you honestly think you'll win? and of course, as they say, if you want something doing well, you have to do it yourself. Your BF will never fight for you, in these circumstances, in the way you'd ideally like. Nope. You have to take the bull by the horns, stand your ground, and confront him: "Look, I really don't understand what your problem with me is, but the fact is and the fact remains, I'm your friend's GF. If you have a problem with that, that's not for me to handle. And you and I both know this isn't all in my head. You're rude, hostile and interfering. If you don't like this situation, say so. But suck it up, because i don't plan on being the timid little wallflower and letting you continue being this rude to me." Or something. 2
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