alazlam Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So...I live with my fiancee. But I think I want to call it off... Thing is, he's great most of the time. He makes me laugh, he's charming, I'm still attracted to him (though we never have sex anymore), he says he loves me, usually kind of affectionate, etc etc I know I still love him, or at least care very deeply for him. That being said, there are two issues that keep creeping back up for me. Firstly, I'm kind of young still (26) and I just feel like there are still some things I'd like to do...I thought he was on the same page when we first started together because he seemed supportive. For example, I told him I wanted to go back to school for pharmacy and he was all like "that's great, I'll help with whatever you need." Now he tells me it's a waste of time, that I shouldn't worry about it, and so on. Support gone. In short, issue #1 is, and I feel really selfish for saying this, but I feel like he's holding me back...I mean, I want to share all these things with him, but I'm not sure he's into it. Not anymore, at least... Issue #2 is he's done and said things in the past that I can't really seem to get over. Like we're on good terms 95% of the time, but he's said things like, "Your feelings are wrong and need to be corrected." And he just like...retaliates whenever I make a mistake. I don't think that's normal behavior, really..? Anyway, I just don't know if I'm being too selfish, too childish about everything and need to grow up or...if I need to move on. When I've brought things up before he says I need to just be happy where I am, that I'm lucky, and doing all those things shouldn't matter, etc. I don't even know how to handle breaking up with him. I think it would be somewhat of a blind side for him, which I hate. Just not sure what the best thing to do would be...or how I should move out if it comes to that, etc... Anyway, thanks for your time...I appreciate any insights.
Philosoraptor Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Sounds like he has some control issues. You can't let any relationship hold you back though. I'd start with a blunt conversation letting him know how he's making you feel. If he's unwilling to change his tune you need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Let him know your plans for the future and that they are important to you. If he gives you pushback then let him know you will be fulfilling your dreams with or without him. But if you want to share these things with him, as you say, then give conversation a chance first. But make sure you are strong and let him know that these dreams will come true.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Do it sooner than later. The closer to your wedding date, the less money you will get back on your deposits. Feelings are never wrong. 1
dichotomy Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So...I live with my fiancee. But I think I want to call it off... Thing is, he's great most of the time. He makes me laugh, he's charming, I'm still attracted to him (though we never have sex anymore), he says he loves me, usually kind of affectionate, etc etc I know I still love him, or at least care very deeply for him. That being said, there are two issues that keep creeping back up for me. Firstly, I'm kind of young still (26) and I just feel like there are still some things I'd like to do...I thought he was on the same page when we first started together because he seemed supportive. For example, I told him I wanted to go back to school for pharmacy and he was all like "that's great, I'll help with whatever you need." Now he tells me it's a waste of time, that I shouldn't worry about it, and so on. Support gone. In short, issue #1 is, and I feel really selfish for saying this, but I feel like he's holding me back...I mean, I want to share all these things with him, but I'm not sure he's into it. Not anymore, at least... Issue #2 is he's done and said things in the past that I can't really seem to get over. Like we're on good terms 95% of the time, but he's said things like, "Your feelings are wrong and need to be corrected." And he just like...retaliates whenever I make a mistake. I don't think that's normal behavior, really..? Anyway, I just don't know if I'm being too selfish, too childish about everything and need to grow up or...if I need to move on. When I've brought things up before he says I need to just be happy where I am, that I'm lucky, and doing all those things shouldn't matter, etc. I don't even know how to handle breaking up with him. I think it would be somewhat of a blind side for him, which I hate. Just not sure what the best thing to do would be...or how I should move out if it comes to that, etc... Anyway, thanks for your time...I appreciate any insights. Screeeeechhhh......beep...beep....beep... (backing up). What was this first part again? When, what , why on this.... 1
Confused48 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'm still attracted to him (though we never have sex anymore), I'm with dichotomy. Ding Ding Ding... we have a winner. You are not married yet, no kids and have this problem? Run! Run for your life. 1
Author alazlam Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Screeeeechhhh......beep...beep....beep... (backing up). What was this first part again? When, what , why on this.... Haha, touche. Not really sure why it happened, but our sex life just kind of died over the past year. I've brought it up a couple times, and he said I needed to initiate it more. So, I tried doing that, but he turned me down every time, and I eventually gave up. I haven't brought it up again, as he gets kind of upset and says there shouldn't be any pressure. Sooo, now I'm self conscious about pressuring him.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So stop presuring him, walk away. What is working in your engagement? You don't have sex. He won't support your desire to go back to school. If you get a prestigious career, he probably won't support that either. He invalidates your feelings. Why are you still here besides the fact that you used to love him? 1
dichotomy Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So first he stopped wanting to have sex with you.....then later.. he stopped supporting you and started demeaning your other wants and needs. In that order? Sounds like he checked out a while ago, either is cheating, or simply not into you anymore and is to lazy to breakup or it is to his benefit to drag it out. Please it is a million times harder to deal with this kind of stuff after you get married, let alone before hand. Leave.
Clay Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I am kind of with the others here to tell you to leave and all these things are huge red flags and should be dealt with. It sounds like there is something wrong and he is not sharing this with you. I am sure in the honeymoon phase he told you anything you wanted to hear but he sounds insecure. The sex stopping is a clear sign something happened. Its either with him or you that is freaking him out. Make him a great dinner. Sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. It might not do any good but at least you both know where you stand. Maybe even write him a small letter he can read about your concerns. It will give you a chance to get it all layed out. Clay
maznblu16 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Yes. It will likely be blind side, BUT, in this situation, with his complete disregard for your feelings and desires (including intimate needs) I think what he needs more than anything is to be blind-sided!!! You have to break off the engagement, and maybe then he'll change?? I doubt it, but you wil only be able to tell how he truly feels and the distance he is willing to go, by saying peace out and telling him....oh by the way, Im using our rental hall money for my books and the photographer money is paying my tuition. Boom!! Now you're the one with the power, and your feelings are validated. Good Luck girl!
Author alazlam Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Thanks, everyone. Stuff's hit home. The only thing is, I've tried snooping a bit, but haven't found anything. Plus we've moved to a completely new area of the country, and we spend pretty much all our time together, so I don't think he's cheating on me at the moment. Either way, I have walked away in that respect, and just kind of stopped thinking about it and busied myself with other things. I suppose my mind is made up a bit, but I'm not sure how to handle the logistics of the break up. Something tells me he won't take it too well, and I've never been in this type of situation before.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I suppose my mind is made up a bit, but I'm not sure how to handle the logistics of the break up. Something tells me he won't take it too well, and I've never been in this type of situation before. My fallback position in tough situations like this is to ask myself how I like to be treated. So alazlam, were the shoe on the other foot, how would you hope he'd deal with you? Most people would ask for an equal mix of honesty, consideration and empathy... Mr. Lucky
shimmychanga Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I broke off an engagement when I was 24 and I have never regretted it. Listen to the part of you that wants to be free.
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